What I Say

Hai. How y’all doing?
I learned that phrase from my southern belle girlfriend, Ashley. Actually, I learned it from Ellie Mae Clampett, but regardless, I think it amuses us both when I talk like she does. Probably. What, me worry?
(I’ve been here in Ohtawara for about three weeks now and still haven’t done what I wanted to do in the opening line of my very first blog. But rest assured that it happens, and that it was very enjoyable for us. ‘Nuff said).
Almost everyone who has had a chance to visit Japan, has probably been stymied by the dreaded language barrier. Most of the many little problems I have faced in Japan have occurred because I can’t, like, dig the lingo.
In order to make myself be understood—I don’t appear to be trying very hard to learn the language—I tend to speak in broken English.
How stupid is it that I come here to teach English, but because of my own inadequacies, I am unable to do so properly because I talk in incomplete sentences to make myself understood.
It’s reached the point where I now talk to other foreigners using broken English: “Hello. Let’s go restaurant.”
I know it drives everyone crazy, but in my defense, I know what I’m doing and I enjoy ticking people off. It also gives me an excuse not to study Japanese.
Another problem I have encountered is with my telephone. Every night since I arrived in Ohtawara, a Japanese woman calls me and says “Good morning” to me. That’s nice, right? Unfortunately, that’s all she knows how to say in English. Heck, she doesn’t even call me in the mornings. Sometimes, just for laughs, she puts her daughters/girlfriends on to say hello.
Since they only speak Japanese, I am completely at my wits end. I don’t wish to be impolite, but these agonizing “conversations” go on for about 10 minutes, until they pass out from my scintillating conversation.
In order to be amusing, I screwed up. I purchased a small Japanese/English phrase book, of which I would slowly ready a few colloquial lines to my new friend. Even with my horrible enunciation, my attempts at speaking Japanese garnered extensive retorts, so much so that I now made each call last about 30 minutes, now.
Two of the phrases I’ve repeated include: “Boy, am I absolutely knackered” (I guess the book was written by a Brit!), and “Are you single? I am”. Needless to say, after I say these things in Japanese, I get a long, drawn out response, during which all I can do is sit with my phone in my hand, nod my head and say “hai” (yes) a lot.
For the purposes of this blog, it’s a good thing I have always considered myself to be a “weirdness-magnet”. People like to talk to me, for some reason. Here in Japan, it seems more pronounced. If I’m by myself or with a gaggle of other foreigners (I think the correct term is a JET of AETS), I’m the only one who gets spoken to.
It’s great when it’s beautiful Japanese women (though that hasn’t happened yet), but usually it’s just locals who are curious about the stranger within their midst. A short history note will follow in the next blog, okay? It will help explain a bit about why foreigners are actually refereed to as gaijin, a term that actually means “outsider”
Anyhow, after being talked to, becaue I don’t understand anything yet, I just nod my head and say hai a lot it appears that they may have asked me a question. That’s when I tilt my head to the side and repeat the last word they said as if I am confused. Which I am.
It doesn’t matter that the last word in every Japanese question is the word “ka”, which is used to designate that the sentence is now a question.
I smile hopelessly and say one of three words/phrases I have learned to say: wakirimasen (which means, “I don’t know”). The question-maker person always smile at his own stupidity for believing he was talking to someone smart and says “okay” in English. Smiles, says Hello and walks off. Ahhh, isn’t cultural exchange wonderful?
By the way, the other two phrases I have learned are: “Ohio” (‘morning!’, which I learned from WKRP In Cincinnati); and “Tasukete kudasai. Michi ni mayotte shimaimashita.” (Help. I am lost.)

Somewhere still too lazy to learn Japanese,
Andrew Joseph
Title is by Ray Charles.