Black Dog

Dog I’m bored.
I wish I had something to do and someone to do it with. I’d even settle for some pesky flies, but no, it’s raining so they’ve all gone inside the house. Lucky them. I hate the rain.
The human who said ‘It’s a dog’s life’ in reference to our Zen-like existence must have had worms, ‘cause it really sucks.
I have no friends. No one plays with me. No one talks to me… well not really. I’m a German Shepard and I don’t understand their Japanese when they do talk.
Nothing to do but try and annoy that foreigner across the street with my… what did he call it? Incessant, bloody barking. Arf.
I just want him to talk with me. It works, too. He screams all sorts of things at me from his balcony. Of course, I don’t understand everything because he doesn’t speak German, and as I said, I’m a German Shepard.
Sometimes he even throws things to me. I caught an egg once. I missed the other 23 times as it often hit me about my head and body, but he was always willing to try again when I barked my encouragement.
I like him. I’d bark to him now, but I saw him leave his apartment. Dog, I’m bored.
I remember a long time ago… yesterday, I think, when he came over to talk with my Master. I guess that makes me his slave. Anyhow, I think they were talking about me. The foreigner was making barking noises like a Rottweiler. I understood him, because those are German dogs. He said he had three of those dogs.
The foreigner said, “My dog has no nose.” Master asked, “How does he smell?” The foreigner said, “Awful.” Master bowed and said, “Mine, too.”
If he doesn’t like it, why doesn’t he give me a bath? If I were his white car, I would get a bath every week. Lazy. I guess that’s why I’m out in the rain now. It really doesn’t do that great a job as anybody who has smelled a wet dog or aardvark will testify. Dog, I’m bored.
Hey! Is Master looking at me? Probably not. I wonder what it’s like in the house? I can’t even begin to imagine what must be in there. Black and white splendour, I suppose. I wonder when they are going to feed me? I hope it isn’t that cold shiokara (squid guts) again. That stuff smells worse than I do! Dog, I’m bored.
Uh oh! I’ve got an itch! Hmmmmmmm. Rrrrrrrrrrr. I can’t scratch it or nip at it. I guess I’ll have to roll on the ground. Verdammen Sie es! (dammit!) I hate that! I guess I’ll have to pick a piece of ground with the fewest number of rocks on it… over there! There’s only eleventeen… Now I’ve got to be careful. I don’t want to strangle myself again with this stupid short chain about my neck. Oh wait! Here comes that foreigner on his over-sized novelty bicycle. I’ll bark at him and say hello… Goody! He’s stopping. He smells funny, too. I guess dogs and aardvarks aren’t the only smelly things in the rain.
Hey! He scratched my itch! Lucky! Now he’s going. Wow! Great!
I think I’ll chase my tail! Bark-ark-ark-ark-arUrrrrrrk! Verdamnt chain.
Somewhere it’s a dog day afternoon for life.
Andrew Fido Joseph
Title by Led Zeppelin