This story is his bio. Welcome, welcome to you bet your life. Say the magic word and win a hundred dollars. If you remember where this line is from you may already be dead. DUCK.
Bitten by a radioactive spider, young Ralph Tochigi... no, that's not it. How about: Rocketing to Earth from the dying planet Krypton... no, that's been done, too.
Ummmmm... ummmm... (writer's block)... ummmm... born in Florence, Italy in 1479, Ralph was the first child to be named after noted Renaissance artist Raphael. Unfortunately, his art-loving mother, April, missed the mark a bit, as the painter would not be born until four years later. Also, her spelling was atrocious as she left out an "a" and an "i" out of her son's name. (Editor's note: That should be an "a" and an "e"). Right. Sorry.
Since his father was a Japanese rice farmer and had a helluva commute every day, his family (including Ralph's brother's Mike and Don and his sister Mona Lisa) decided, once and for all, to move to Nippon (that's Japan, you gaijin, you) in the autumn of 1490.
This meant that young Ralph has missed a year and a half of school and would not be allowed to attend until next April (no, not his Mom).
Instead of pining away his day playing non-invented video-games, he decided instead to learn farming techniques from his father Ed (short for Edo), in the town of Sakuyama in Shimotsuke-ken (what is currently known as Tochigi-ken, or the Province of Tochigi).
After 12 hours of intensive studying, he had learned all there was to know. Still, it wasn't enough. He decided to try and make his dad's rice the oishi-est (tastiest) in all of Japan.
By the age of 12, Ralph had discovered that urinating on rice while it was growing made the harvested grain taste better. He then sought to determine which imbibed liquid beverage would add the right "flavour" to his urine. It turned out to be sake (Japanese rice wine), which he accidentally invented when he was 13 years old. (That's another story - maybe).
Young Ralph's fame quickly spread like manure on a rose garden as he decided--for absolutely no reason--to make his father's large square rice field into several smaller squares of rice field.
This was a major break from the conventional techniques of Prairie wheat farmers that would be invented 328-and-a-half years later.
The smaller rice fields were not any easier to work with at first. Then it suddenly dawned on him that it would now be easier to spray an allocation of sake-urine over the smaller rice fields. His discovery revolutionized the face of Japan. Click HERE for some of my awesome photos of rice fields. Makes you hungry, eh?
At the age of 21, Ralph opened up Japan's first 7-11, though it soon folded as his controversial Burrito with corn confused the locals who didn't know what corn was.
One year later he re-opened under the new name of LuLu's. It too failed as the locals could not pronounce the "L's" in the store's name without hurting their tongue--which is apparently needed when eating to avoid choking.
To solve the pronunciation problem, Ralph invented the Katakana alphabet in 1481. However, due to retrograde writing on behalf of the writer (me), the store's copy-writed name had expired.
Y'see, in 1481, Ralph would have only been two-years-old... therefore in order to explain the date, rather than admit to the writer making a mistake, he (me) has chosen to explain it via retrograde writing. Clear? Good. Now someone explain it to the Editor (me).
Later in life, as his powers of genius left him, he moved to the area of Korea now named Utsonomiya (the capital city of Shimotsuke-ken). and opened up the first Pachinko parlour, a game he had devised while asleep. This is what PACHINKO is.
Despite the success of his inventions and discoveries, he did not end up a rich man. He died yen-less after a forced Mafia take-over by the Walt Disney Gang led by hot-tempered Don Aldo.
Although Ralph's ideas are still in use today, he died a broken and bitter man after failing to invent Spam--his favourite food.
Much to his chagrin, a city and prefecture now carry his name. That is, it would have been much to his chagrin if he were still alive and hadn't choked to death on a piece of mochi (Japanese rice cake - Read about it CHOKING) on New Year's Day 1527 at 3:47PM (exactly). It was a Tuesday. This at least, is true.
Somewhere prevaricated by
Andrew Joseph of the Ralph Tochigi Institute of Agriculture and Urology, Ohtawara branch.
PS - Today's title brought to you by the letter P, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the group: (Frank Zappa &) The Mothers of Invention. You won't like it - but I do.
PPS - I guess the writer's block went away.
PPPS - I invented Ralph Tochigi back in 1991 or '92. Check out the guy in the Dos XXs beer commercials for someone who also claims to be the most-interesting man in the world: THIRSTY.
