Red Beans And Rice

This one was originally titled: Of Rice and Yen.
As a foreigner from a country not quite the United States, but often mistaken for the same, I am constantly asked about my feelings about the Japanese-Yankee rice trade. My first reaction  is, of course, who gives a rat's you-know-what, but as an ambassador for Canada (aka U.S.A Jr.), I should perhaps not speak so irrationally. Or maybe not.
Let's see.... Hmm. At every school I visit, I get a school lunch served to me that invariably consists of rice and something else. I always get asked (always!) is Japanese rice is oishii (tasty)? How the heck would I know? It's rice isn't it? It tastes like rice, so how is this rice any more delicious than any other rice?
Now, the taste of chili con carne a la Andrew is oishii, but rice is like o-cha (green tea). To quote my friend and fellow AET Tim Mould; "It's got no taste!"
However, all Japanese people swear that Japanese ri-su tastes better than American rice. How do they know? have they ever sampled California rice? I don't think that Rice-A-Roni or Rice Krispies count. For that matter, how many American's actually know where the rice they rarely eat comes from?
Since I am almost from America, the Japanese are anxious to know of opinion regarding the taste differences. Now while I can tell the difference between new Coke, Classic Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine-free Coke, Diet Caffeine-free Coke, Cherry Coke, Diet Cherry Coke, Taste-free Coke (o-cha), RC Cola, Pepsi Cola, Pepsi Free, Diet Pepsi, Spam Pepsi and several species of bathtub mold (not Tim), I just couldn't explain the nuances between the western and eastern rices.
Then it dawned on me. Since I am of Indian heritage (dot, not the feather), the rice my folks eat must be Indian rice. I never at much rice while growing up until I got to Japan, and that was only so I wouldn't starve to death. I have observed that Indian rice is a long-grained rice that doesn't stick together, while Japanese rice is a long-grained fruit (vegetable - what the hell is it??!!) that sticks together until you pour soyu (soy) sauce on it. And what of American rice?
Is it different from the other two? A long-grained rice that sticks together? It has to stick together or else the Japanese would never buy it - chopsticks, don't you know.
Anyhow, the Japanese won't let the American rice into their country (circa 1992) because according to the Japanese, the U.S. of A. sprays a preservative chemical on its rice so that it can be safely transported abroad.
The Japanese say, between puffs of cigarettes and gulps of whiskey and sake (rice wine), that they are wary of chemicals that might be harmful to themselves.
A word to the wise, people: If Japanese rice IS more tasty than American rice, it may be because of all of the drunk men who routinely relieve themselves in the rice fields. Yum. I'll have bread, please.

Somewhere in a rice field,
Andrew Joseph       
PS: Today's title is by Booker T & The MGs  - GROOVE to their heavy sound. Awesome stuff.
PPS: While the Japanese DO love many things American, they hate it when it threatens their cultural identity... and rice is a cultural identity for the Japanese.