I suppose the Japanese Tourist Bill will eventually forgive me, but until then I'll stand by my guns. You see... I don't believe Mount Fuji actually exists. I think it's a big tourist scam on the likes of Capricorn One (involving the mission to our moon, Luna) and possibly the Roswell Crash (involving a government cover-up of a crashed spaceship).
Oh sure, I can hear you all screaming about how good ole Andrew has finally had that mental breakdown we've been expecting for the last... well, just for about ever. But hold on... I have proof. Sort of.
I have lived here in Japan for a couple of years now, and in all that time I have never seen Mount Fuji. Yes, I should probably get off my green couch more often, turn off the crappy food-related television shows and go take a trip to Kamakura-shi in Kanagawa where the 'mountain' is said to reside.
Mount Fuji - or Fuji-san is supposed to be the symbol of Japan. You mean Japan is imaginary?
I have friends like Matthew and Takako who claim they have gone to 'see' Mount Fuji, and have even 'climbed' it, but I think they and everybody else have all been hoodwinked by a greedy Japanese tourism industry. Wait. Don't click away to look for porn. Let me tell you my story first, and then I'll present my pudding... because the proof is always hidden there.
Over these past two years, I have taken the Shinkansen (Japanese bullet train) about seven or nine times (but not eight) past the supposed location of Mount Fuji. In each instance it rained or was cloudy enough to obscure the 'mountain'. As well, I've been on mountains where you are supposed to be able to see Mount Fuji off in the distance... obscured by clouds, snow, rain, fog... Coincidence? I don't think so.
Having finally tired of merely passing by the location of the so-called 'Soul of Japan', I decided that a trip to the scenic Kamakura-shi and the towns around its supposed location was called for. So I went.
Could anyone dare call it a coincidence that for the three days I was in the 'area', that a veil of cloud blanketed everything? By this time, I was starting to get the impression that it was just me and my affection of traveling during the rainy/cloudy season. Pundits will note that said season lasts from May to April.
Anyhow, just last night (or 17 years ago and last night depending on when I actually write this stuff down), I was sitting in my favourite Ohtawara bar, the 4C, with my friends Matthew and Colin, sucking back tequila-sake (sake is Japanese rice wine) shooters, when it all started to come together. It wasn't just me! It was them! The tourism industry!
There is no Mount Fuji! It's a mass hypnosis created by the Japanese tourist industry to make some yen.
Yes, I have said that three times now without offering a shred of evidence. Well, I don't have any physical evidence, as I don't believe Mount Fuji physically exists, but I do have a theory, a hangover, and a theory about my hangover.
Throughout the years, the Japanese have said that when one climbs Mount Fuji, they are given wisdom. To climb it a second time is a fool's folly. A third time up the hill, and you are probably ready for that lobotomy. This is true, except for that part about the lobotomy. I'll explain why in a second.
People who attempt to climb Fuji-san (which sounds a bit dirty to me) in an attempt to gain wisdom arrive at the base of a real mountain. So there is a mountain.
They begin climbing it, and after awhile, they are forced to step into one of the conveniently placed 'shelters'. As soon as they step inside, they are bombarded with a gas assailing their synaptic nerves. The Japanese Tourist Board now controls their mind.
The brain-washed wisdom seekers are then led to another room - a virtual-reality room, where they believe they are completing the rest of their journey. It's made to seem like climbing the mountain is exhausting
After an appreciable amount of time, the victims are then led to a large room that is created to look like the top of what the Tourist Board wants Mount Fuji to look like. There, the 'climbers' take umpteen photographs and are thus sated.
Next, they are led to the "down" part of the virtual-reality room where they are allowed to 'climb back down' the imaginary mountain. The Tourism Board then implants a message of how bone-crushingly weary they are and tells them they shouldn't try to climb it again. Once they reach the so-called 'shelter' again, they are revived from their stupor and walk out to finish their trek down the real mountain.
The tired and disoriented climbers go home and never want to climb it again.
Sometimes that implanted message erodes after time, and people attempt another climb - a fool's folly. But, the synaptic-snapping gas will work its magic again, though this second dose can caused further disorientation and an even greater loss of brain cells. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... the synaptic nerve gas causes brain cell loss.
A third 'climb' up the molehill... well, my friend Jim falls into that category... as he doesn't quite seem himself anymore.
I do believe that Mount Fuji once existed as people think it is nowadays. But I believe it was bombed during WWII, or there was an earthquake or Godzilla stomped on it in during one of his yearly forays into Tokyo--but it was reduced to a mere anthill in size. Fearing that the Japanese people would thus lose faith in the war, their country, their Emperor, and Godzilla, I believe this elaborate hoax was thusly concocted.
And, as for all of you people who believe you have seen Mount Fuji from a distance... well, have you ever hard of a laser hologram?
Think about it... I would, but my brain is screaming out for some Aspirin,
Somewhere in Al Capone's vault with Geraldo Rivera,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is brought to you by the letter See, and is performed by The Beatles. You can listen and think you are seeing a video for it HERE.
PS: Not sure what I mean about Al Capone's vault? HERE.
