Today in 2010... I stand scratching before you a sober but bitten man. I have bed bugs. I am breakfast, lunch and dinner for this relatively new North American epidemic that was previously only the scourge of the so-called downtrodden, poor masses.
Lucky me, I'm the only one getting eaten right now. I've got a company coming in later this morning (Wednesday) to napalm the heck out of them.
I hate bugs. I hate spiders. I generally have this hate on for anything that has more than six legs - so I can handle ants. I don't care for them in the house, but at least they aren't a pest with eight legs.
I suppose the same holds true for squids and octopi... I hate them, and don't want them in my house.
I will eat them, however. The same will not ever be said by me regarding bugs.
I have, as mentioned in a previous blog, eaten hachi-no-ko, which the Japanese translated into English for me as 'baby bees'... but I believe the correct term would be bee larvae. Now I didn't eat them in their ooey-gooey goodness - NO! - I eat them boiled in a brown sugar goop that would make anything taste good.
As well... I have eaten inago, which the Japanese again were nice enough to translate for me via hand gestures as: "boing-boing-boing" implying something hopping around. I though they meant kangaroo (which according to a Japanese junior high school English text book was what the aborginals of Australia called the critters we know as kangaroos... turns out - according to the book - that the Aussie didn't know what they were called, and when asked by Captain Cook, simply said 'Kangaroo' or 'I don't know'. A nice story. Is it true? Visit here (and come back for the answer: HERE).
Anyhow, inago are grasshoppers. Yup. Boing-boing-boing. Grasshoppers. They are supposed to be a delicasy... and you know what, I think it was cooked in this wonderful sugary sauce again that made the bee larvae taste grrrrr-eat. The inago were less gross in my mind, to eat and I got a perverse satisfaction from popping them in my mouth and having a leg stick out while I grossed out whatever girlfriend I had around me at the time. (I suppose a kiss is out of the question?)
***GROSS WARNING***
As delicious as it was, I can honestly tell you that my stomach couldn't handle the rich cuisine, as I had to poop it out. And I know I shouldn't have looked, but apparently I didn't chew the grasshoppers as well as I should have. Some looked intact. What the hell is wrong with my teeth?
***GROSS WARNING OVER***
The person who cooked them for me (it was given to me in a plastic bad, like a bag of nuts), when she asked if I liked it, I knew it was a test, of sorts, and proudly stated that it was delicious. Well, it was, even if it was too rich for my weak stomach (ruined by too much alcohol and delicious Coke products, perhaps). I told her it was oiishi (delicious)... two days later she presented me with another bag of bugs.
Since I still wasn't going to get kissed (not by her!), I ate them all and had the same evacuation occur. No, it didn't tickle coming out.
Sorry... I forgot the warning... ***GROSS WARNING*** + ***GROSS WARNING OVER***. There you go. Just to show you I care.
Now I guess it's the bugs turn for revenge, as I get eaten by bed bugs. I don't know why they need revenge... I've been bitten by tiny house spiders and have had my fingers swell. I am bug bait for mosquitos and by being bitten in order protect everyone else around me who is never bitten. I really hate bugs. Tomorrow, I may still be itchy, but at least I'll know after the first round of spraying that they'll be dead soon. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Somewhere 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay' so sayeth,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is rockabilly-ed by Wanda Jackson: BUGGERALL
