Turning Japnese

Any first time visitor to Japan could relate to you how shocked they were at the eating habits of the Japanese. In fact, using Western standards, the Japanese here have a total lack of table manners.Even though Japan is not in the west, nor should it ever be judged by Western standards, I'm going to do so right here.
I ate a lot of my meals around the Japanese... at least one meal a day, seven days a week, for whatever length of time I've been in Japan.
There's the sssslurping of soups and noodles - even dry foods, which takes some doing , let me tell ya; the cramming of more food into their mouth than it is possible to chew (though I did watch one guy actually dislocate his jaw on purpose  - like a snake - to eat); there's also belching and farting as a norm... and I think I've found a new home!
While everything described above is NOT done in the elitist society of pretty much any country I've ever heard of, amongst us common folk, the Japanese manner of eating is, to put it mildly, noisy. But, since it's not considered ill-mannered to the Japanese, it's not to me. I just wanted to raise the point on a cultural difference.
So, I've been here for numerous months now (will it never end?), I am turning Japanese (I really think so).
I've begun to slurp and power chew my food in an attempt to emulate and, dare I hope, surpass the natives. (I've already got that belching/farting thing down pat).
Because I spend my week-days, Monday through Thursday at one of my seven junior high schools in the town of Ohtawara, I partake of my midday meal at a school. The lunches are prepared by lunch ladies, but students bring big steaming pots of whatever is on the menu to the class homeroom where  students distribute it. Teacher and teacher-gaijin - that's me! - get served first... though we still have to wait until everybody else is served and sitting be fore we can say 'itadakimasu' (literally translates into: 'I gratefully receive"), and then we eat.
We actually eat at 12:45PM - with me being served at 12:31PM... I think the honour of receiving my food first is done because usually the food is friggin' hot, and it needs a chance to cool to room temperature, which is a real drag if it's February, like it is now. I can't wait until May when I can eat a hot meal again.
So, basically, we all get 15 minutes to scarf down our meals, before mealtime is over and it's time to go outside and play sports... yay... I get to run around and puke up some barely swallowed lunch. At least it's warm the second-time down.
Now with only 15 minutes to eat this free meal (kami (god) bless the Japanese), I have to eat fast.
When I first arrived in Japan, I could barely finish half my meal in the allotted time - probably because I hadn't earned the respect of my students yet, and always was given the chopsticks that didn't work. So, after become a tad emaciated - I was TOO skinny, once - I learned to eat faster.
The trick I realized was not to taste my food, but to just shovel it in and hope for the best later. I, too learned how to dislocate my lower jaw... it still cracks (ask me to crack it for you). Now, six months later, it was no longer a chore to finish my food - but rather a challenege to see who could finish first.
Now, this was a challenge to eat fast, not to eat as much as possible, like this skinny Japanese kid, who until recently was a world champion competitive food eater: HERE. What is interesting to note was that Kobayashi Takeru-kun would have been a junior high school student while I was in Japan... just not in my town (thank goodness).
Being a guy, and a goof at that, I decided I would challenege all of the top gumslingers at my schools.
That first lunch on the Monday was a surprise at each of my schools - a surprise to them at how fast I could now eat.
I would invariable beat their class champ that day - perhaps because he wasn't aware that there was a race, but we'd have a duel the next day. Why aren't there any fast female eaters?  Anyhow, I ate my food faster than a contented cow, just because I cud, and soon had a reputation as a fast eater that could choke a horse.
Probably that's why you you should never look a gift horse in the mouth.
After conquering six schools, I came at last to lucky number seven, where the fastest eater in all of Ohtawara hung out, as luck would have it. It wasn't a student, but rather the boys Phys Ed teacher.
He had also heard of my growing stomach and reputation.
On that first Monday, we looked at each other, grwoled and snarfed our food. It was a tie. And so it was for Tuesday and Wednesday, as well.
On Thursday, my last at the school (Wakakusa Chu Gakko), we had glorious natto for lunch, which if you'll recall is rotting soy beans we mix with a small package of mustard, stir up the sticky mess and slop onto a bed of rice.
While I was beaten quite handily in the mixing and deployment of the beans onto the rice, I caught up to him and took the lead for good when he choked on a some of the beans. Even after he hawked it up, where it hung in a goopy mess from his quivering lower lip, he continued to bravely finish the contest.
Gracious in defeat, he offered me congratulations and some rice from his shirt.
Somewhere with indigestion,
Andrew Joseph