Is it cold in Russia? What? You know I’m not from Russia. It doesn’t matter that I’ve not been there... as a foreigner, it’s expected that I be an expert in all things foreign. It was a tough question, but it really came down to what time of the year... I guess it would be cold in the winter, but not in the summer. Giving me an “Ah so ka” (kindda ‘oh, I see’), I apparently dodged the bullet of incompetency.
While one might naturally assume that the Japanese are asking me these questions and more specifically ones about myself, in an effort to get to know myself and Canada better, rest assured that did not enter into the equation.
Questions in Japan are for knowledge, and knowledge is power. But it’s also for prestige. In this case, there’s a certain amount of prestige from learning something about the local gaijin (foreigner), as that knowledge can propel one up (or down) the social ladder—at least that’s how it appeared to me in Ohtawara.
Why down a ladder? Sometimes it depends on which gaijin you talked to. Getting chummy with Andrew, Matthew or Ashley – that’s a move up the ladder. Talking to one of the nice folks visiting from India at the Asian Farm Institute in north Ohtawara, could be considered a bit of a downer—not that the people visiting Japan and learning Japanese farming techniques weren’t fantastic people, because they were—but prestige-wise, they just weren’t Western enough, pardner.
Simply going out to buy film for my camera (yes, I am that old), will inevitably get me stopped by people interested in learning something about me. And that’s cool. I like talking to people – especially when they do so in English. Heck... it’s the point of me being in Japan. Well, that and getting laid. That was always there in the back of the mind.
Back when I was 23 (two years before travelling to Japan), I was incredibly shy. I know you don’t believe that, especially when I’m laying myself open with this blog, but if you think about it, it might explain that whole virginity thing I was afflicted with through high school, five years of university and two years of college. Anyhow, the point is... I’m in Japan not to teach English so much as to teach the Japanese a bit about internationalization. Perhaps Matthew will be kind enough to give me the Japanese equivalent of that phrase in the comment section bellow? He’s a smart one, that Matthew.
Anyhow, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Japanese already know the answer to every question they ask the foreigners, but just get a kick out of hearing us speak English. Remember, just being seen with a foreigner is cool – but having a conversation – wow! You must be super frosty. And dating or more? Woo-hoo! Words describing how cool you are escape me.
Since all of Ohtawara seemed to know I was dating Ashley, I was only allowed to answer questions.
The following are some of the questions I was asked ad infinitum during my first three months here until someone got smart and had it printed up in the local newspaper. This is also true.
Following each question are my answers as they would have been seen if the newspaper had used my computer 19 years later and wrote in English.
- “Why did you come to Japan?” As long as the question is asked nicely, I usually answer: “I don’t know” and blubber for the next four minutes.
- Why aren’t you married?” “Just lucky, I guess.”
- "Do you have a girlfriend?" “I don’t know. What day is it?” (Was I already having problems already with my I-hate-your-guts-today-but-might-not-tomorrow-if-hell-freezes-over-girlfriend?)
- "How many girlfriends do you have?" “I don’t know. What day is it?” (Yes, I guess I was.)
- “How much money do you make?” If a member of the opposite sex asks – be careful. They may be looking for a spouse. I usually turned the question in my favour and asked them: “Japan or Canada?” Because we are dealing with English as a foreign language, I can safely state that most Japanese would only hear the word Canada, and will repeat it. I always made my salary in Canada higher than what I was currently earning in Japan. I found that besides making me look awesome for giving up money to come over and teach English to the youth of Japan, it will also scare away prospecting mates who will be stunned at your fiscal stupidity.
However, because I did have some brain function working, I gave the straight answer: “Enough to live comfortably here.”
As an aside, I made 3.6-million yen a year. A Japanese millionaire, though the US equivalent was $36,000. Not bad for a job right out of school with a recession going on in North America.)
- "Do you know how to cook?” “No, I don’t. I’m very hungry.”
- “How big are you?” Y’know, I was never sure how to answer this one, but I always gave the straight answer less the fact that I had a sense of humour confuse anyone. I told them my height.
- "Can you give us your impression of Japan?”My “Sorry, but I don’t do impressions. Ba-dump-bump” confused the heck outta everyone.
Somewhere a lot of people fell off the social ladder and went ba-dump-bump,
Andrew Joseph
PS: Yes... I really was asked these questions by an Ohtawara newspaper reporter – and yes, those were my answers. I never thought it would see print. Still, after it was printed, my boss Mr. Hanazaki called me a new phrase: odokemono. It means ‘joker’. After this, I was not allowed near the media without Ohtawara Junior High School English teacher Ryoichi Shibata by my side.
PPS: Not everyone is impressed with certain foreigners. See photo above.
PPPS: Today's title brought to you by Janis Joplin.
