Dr. Feelgood Redux

Reprinted by popular demand--because I accidentally posted a story for this morning (my time) yesterday evening--is my first experience at a Japanese hospital.

Cue ominous music.

Duhn-duhn-duhnnnnn.

It's not for the weak of heart or stomach.

Originally written for your perusal back in December of 2009 when this blog was getting about 400 hits a month... I repeat it again today considering I get well over that in a single day now... so some of you may have missed it the first time. Count yourselves lucky.

Regardless... for all of your new readers who accidentally stumble across this blog searching for data and photos on Miss Universe or information on soccer, thanks for sticking around... it makes me feel good.

Enjoy my blast from the past HERE.

Somewhere trying to tie up my hospital gown
(but secretly enjoying showing off my butt),
Andrew Joseph
Enjoy some Motley Crue while you are at it: DRUGS

Big In Japan

Today is Tuesday, October 8, 1991.



I'm an assistant English teacher (AET) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme living in the sleepy city of Ohtawara (about 200 kilometres north of Tokyo) in the prefecture of Tochigi, Japan.



It's my last day of work at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School), as I have permission to attend a team-teaching demonstration put on by my friend Matthew tomorrow, and then on Thursday, I'm on a short vacation to Sendai with my ex-girlfriend, but current friend-with-benefits, Ashley.



I have no idea why we are going away on a vacation together. It was her idea. As mentioned, while I can have a dominant personality and can get lots of people to do what I want, I prefer that they decide what they want to do, and if I agree, then I can get everyone else to do it. Control without being the known leader, I suppose. God I hate being introspective, sometimes.



Or, in this case... Ashley asked, I, like a good little puppy dog who is still in love or lust or severe like with her, readily agrees. I assume there will be sex. After all... we're friends - with benefits... and the only important benefit I know of from being anywhere with one's ex-girlfriend, is sex.



Going on a vacation together with someone who is your ex... well, isn't that what couples do... or just friends... not friends-with-benefits!



If I still had any blood left in my brain, I would have not gone with Ashley tomorrow... but I'm thinking about sex, and I'm thinking that her asking me to accompany her means she wants to get back together. Right? Am I right? I'm not sure...



It's still raining today.   Like yesterday, I help the kids with some English listening comprehension tests to help them prepare for a big exam. It's still fun, and it's still very much interesting to me.



However, lunch is quiet as the class I eat with lacks the guts or gumption to talk to me... although one young boy (this is a 3rd year class - Grade 9's), Suzuki-san is always peppering me with interesting questions. He's always a pleasure to talk to at this school...



Kanemaru-san and Hanazaki-san drop by the school while Suzuki-san and I are talking (that's lucky... show's I can talk to the kids!). Those two old guys (who are about as old as I am now in 2011 - 46), are my bosses/supervisors with the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education). Two nicer men I have yet to meet on this planet.



They bring along (from the teacher's lounge), Shibata-sensei, the young, hip, good-looking English teacher  who has all the female students swooning after him. Along with being brilliant and charming and funny, Shibata-sensei is also one heck of a good English speaker and very quick translator.



I'm telling... I got very lucky to be posted - or chosen - in this city. Actually... I think the Board offices get a say on who they want. I think Hanazaki-san once told me that they liked the fact I was a journalist with the Toronto Star newspaper... one of North America's best newspapers. I'll admit it was a selling point.



The three of them tell me that I have to pay a personal and city tax. Nertz.



On the plus side, the OBOE says they will cover that for me. They will put the money directly into my bank account (The Ashikaga Ginko (Ashikaga Bank), Ohtawara Branch) for me. That money will then be withdrawn by them to pay the two tax bills.



That is so cool of the OBOE. I also like how they came in person to tell me, rather than just calling up Shibata-sensei to tell me.



I go home, write a letter and relax. It's still bloody raining. I hope it won't tomorrow when a score of other AETs will be coming here to Ohtawara to watch Matthew do his team-teaching demonstration. Cripes... I hope my OBOE doesn't see too much of a disparity between what he does and what I does... otherwise they might actually make me do real work!



I watch some television and crash to bed at 12AM.



Oh... Karen Irwin called. She's a new AET (high school AET like Ashley - so she won't be there at Matthews demo) living in Yaita-shi (City of Yaita), 10 kiometers to the south. She's originally from North Bay, Ont... and arrived here two months ago. In that time she has made it clear that she would like us to slow down (IE no sex!), became buddy-buddy with my visiting mother going on little trips together, and even went on a 3-day trip to Nikko-shi (Nikko City) with Ashley.



I don't know what they talked about... the ex, and the girl who would eventually be my ex, if I let her (all women everywhere could eventually be my ex-girlfriend if they try hard enough).... but this evening... it is apparent that they talked.



Karen seemed to know a little too much about me. My mother - while she did like Karen very much - was no dummy, and I know she would never tell anyone anything about me. Ashley... she might, seeing as who we weren't together anymore... I expect that Karen would want to know the ugly stuff. Me being moody and crap like that. Truth is... I was only moody after Ashley caused me to be moody. But Ashley doesn't know that... and neither does Karen.



Karen attempts to psychoanalyse me. Really? This chick is going to try and get inside MY head? I'm already onto her clumsy attempts about 15 seconds into our telephone conversation! For me... this is like a battle of wits against an unarmed opponent.



Because I know what she's doing - and why (she wants to know what makes me tick, and why Ashley and I broke up - perhaps so she can avoid the same mistakes), she pisses me off.



You know what led to Ashley and I breaking up? It was her pissing me off. Congratulations Karen. You've managed to piss me off even before we've become boyfriend/girlfriend. I guess there'll be no sex, now. Crap.



Regardless of the tempest raging inside my skull... I play it cagey and play it cool. She has no idea just how angry I am.



It's the real reason why I go to bed early today. I lie there and wonder...



Okay... Ashley came back from her trip to Nikko with Karen in a bitchy mood. Karen is acting inquisitive towards me. That means that Ashley knows Karen and I made out. It also means she knows Karen wants to go out with me... and if I know Karen, she probably asked Ashley if that was okay.



That probably put Ashley in a bad mood. It could also explain why Ashley suddenly asked me if I wanted to accompany her to Sendai... it's a little jealous revenge thing against Karen... who I don't think knows that Ashley and I are still sleeping together on occasion.



Great... all I need now are more women to start talking with each other about. That could never happen, right? Am I right? Even I don't want to think about the real answer.



Somewhere thinking about tomorrow and tomorrow,

Andrew Joseph

Today's blog title is by Alphaville: BIG  Lyrics are right below the video.

Can't Explain

Today is Wednesday, September 25, 1991.
I'm living in Ohtawara City, Tochigi-ken, Japan working (sometimes) as an assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme.
My dad calls at exactly 7:10AM just as I asked him to yesterday. Because I have a female student who speaks Spanish, I thought I could get a few lines from my dad to help me look smart and charming.
However, my dad says that rather than just tell me a few phrases, he'll send me a book.
I'd have preferred the quick fix because I'm only at Wakakusa Chu Gakko (Wakakusa Junior High School) until the end of this week and won't be back for a month or more, but still... it's better than nothing.
I have three classes today. As usual, they all involve me reading from the English text book and having the class and then individual students repeat it.
I'm really tired today, but I survive because really, what other option do I have?
At lunch, I play with the mentally challenged kids (I always eat lunch with them when I visit this school... I have to admit, despite their learning disabilities, these kids are so much fun and lively, and are always playing practical jokes on myself and the other kids and teachers... it warms my heart!).
Because they have to do some chore or something, I find some first-year students to play with. It's raining, so all of our activities are indoors.
I then look out for and find the Peruvian girl. She nearly dies laughing after I say that one of the boys is "loco de la cabeza" (in Japanese it's 'Atama no kurutta')", which if I recall my Speedy Gonzales cartoons, it means 'crazy in the head'.
Ahh... it's good to be the king!
After school, I ride over to my back doctor for an adjustment, though I still feel tense when he's finished. Oh well, at least I no longer ned to wear the back brace I had brought with me 14 months ago.
Next, it's over to my kyudo (Japanese archery) club with my ex-girlfriend Ashley (who now better serves me or us as a friend-with-benefits), and one of my Ohtawara Board of Education (OBOE) supervisors, Kanemaru-san, who is teaching both of us archery. We both suck... or rather I do. Ashley's not so bad at it. She's a lot better than I am and it pisses the hell out of me considering I bragged to the Japanese about my sports dominance back in Canada.
Oh well... if the Japanese are smart (and they are), they simply have to look at the sports dominance of the USA versus Canada and know that the Yankees are a whole lot better than us Canuckleheads. Of course, Ashley isn't a damn Yankee... she's a southerner from Augusta, Georgia.
Having said all that, I hit a bullseye on my first shot.
Then, because form and technique are everything in Japanese society, Kanemaru-san begins to teach me the proper way to hold an arrow in my bow. Damn, but that feels a lot better! My finger no longer hurts!
Of course, I don't hit the target again for the next hour, but at least my form is good.
That's kind of what gets me about Japan. I finally succeed in shooting an arrow and hitting the target dead-on, but because it doesn't conform to the Japanese way, I am deconstructed.
Fortunately, my other supervisor Hanazaki-san, did not attempt to change the way I hold my chopsticks. Round about my first week in Japan - certainly the second day I ever spent at the OBOE office, Hanazaki-san took a pair of pencils and taught me the correct way to hold them as through they were chopsticks.
Now... perhaps because my hands were a little wider or longer, I couldn't grip those pencils the same way as he, and therefore had to create a different grip for myself. I showed it to him - and he said if it works for you, then maybe Japan could learn from Canada.
My test with the chopsticks involved me having to pick up slick, raw shelled beans with them.... if I could do it quickly by picking them up from one bowl and then into another, then my style was golden.
I'm still awaiting my royalty cheque from having taught the world a different chopstick grip. Excluding my pinkie finger and index finger, I use the two middle ones and my thumb to grab food as fast or faster than the Japanese.
Back to the point - kyudo: Because I am tired, my eyes are, too... or maybe it's the other way around.
When we finish, and Kanemaru-san drives Ashley back to my place. She hangs around and watches a couple of Mission Impossible episodes (original series) and one of McGyver.
I figure she's hanging around for a reason, so I sit beside her on my couch and cop a feel. My grip must be good because I feel no pain, though there is the odd moan evoked.
She doesn't seem to mind (or say a word) as I unbutton her blouse and move her bra out of the way... as I time it perfectly for the end of McGyver, because as soon as it's over she jumps me!
We head for the bedroom and without going into details (which I have actually written down here in my diary), we come out gasping for air 90 minutes later marveling at how good that felt.
Not an idiot, despite what I have written under the name of the whole blog, I suggest that maybe we can do it more often.
She smiles, and in her usual understated way simply says, "maybe." No capital 'M' either. Now that's understated.
It's also so friggin' Japanese. The Japanese have a hundred different ways of saying maybe, including the infamous sucking of air through the teeth... which is all done rather than saying 'no" and possibly disappointing someone. Is Ashley turning Japanese?
If not, at least it wasn't a 'no'. But if the endorphins weren't kicking in, perhaps it would have been. Who the hell knows what she is thinking? Probably that we are just friends-with-benefits. But I want more. The king wants more!
I ride my bicycle back to her place. Tell her I enjoyed the evening, and ride home floating on a cloud.
Oh yeah... while I was making the moves on Ashley, Kevin called wanting to talk with me about last Saturday night. That was when he kept trying to poach the Japanese woman I was chatting up - and doing quite well with - until he butted in and started speaking his fluent Japanese drawing her out of our broken English/Japanese chat. Bastard.
I tell Kevin I have my hands full with some things now (and I do, too, thank you Ashley), so he suggests we chat tomorrow. I say okay.
What the hell is there to talk about? Bastard. Just don't ever get in my way again! Stupid gaijin.

Somewhere riding the high,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is sung by: The Who: MINDMINDMIND

I Was Made For Loving You

It's Friday, September 6, 1991. I'm an assistant English teacher (AET) on the Japan Exchange & Teaching (JET) Programme living in the smallish city of Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan.

I've been here for a little over 13 months and while I've been a happy camper towards the Japanese, women troubles have irked my brain causing me some pretty decent lows. Like today.

It's an office day, meaning I go into the Ohtawara Board of Education (OBOE) offices. Generally speaking, I don't do anything when I'm here. I write letters home and write short stories that no one will ever read except a chosen few, and also put together a newsletter for the Tochigi-ken JET AET's called the Tatami Times.

It's my pride and joy here, as I have full editorial control over what goes in and what stays out. Pretty much everything I get from other AETs goes in. And, when it's not enough to my satisfaction, I add in stuff of my own. Since I hardly ever get enough stuff, I usually add about four or five "articles" a month from the depths of my mind. Don't ask me how I am able to create comedy when I'm in a bad mood, but I do.

Do you know what's really cool about my so-called writing style? I never have a clue as to what I am going to write when I sit down at a keyboard or pick up a pen and paper. I just start writing like I'm on automatic pilot. I have no rhyme or reason... it just flows out. As such, I am always pleasantly surprised when I'm finished at what I wrote. I'm not saying everything I write is golden (as evidenced by this blog these past two years), but it's not exactly completely terrible, is it?

Hanazaki-san, one of my two bosses as the OBOE who is responsible for my state of well-being in Japan, he knows I am upset about something. Probably because I was so pissed off yesterday evening that I left my kyudo (Japanese archery) practice with my other boss, Kanemaru-san, in a huff. Since they sit beside each other, I assume they talk.

I was unable to verbalize to Kanemaru-san what was wrong due to the language barrier, but Hanazaki-san posses sublime English skills... or at least his are better than Kanemaru-san's. Both are my boss, but both are my friend.

I feel like crap, and it shows. I explain to Hanazaki-san why I am in a bad mood... offering a one-word answer to his query: Ashley.

Ashley is a young woman from Augusta, Georgia. She is the Ohtawara Boys High School AET, and from the second day of arriving in Japan last July, she was my girlfriend. She is kind, pretty, generous--she helped me with a great problem: losing my virginity at the almost-age of 26--and she is moody, sleepy, and doesn't always keep me in the loop as far as her life goes. Now call me crazy (You're crazy!) (Thank-you), but I think that when you are a couple, suddenly disappearing for a couple of days and not telling anyone where you are going, might actually worry your significant other (that would be me).

That happened too often for my liking. I mean for American Thanksgiving last November, I actually found a restaurant that would cook a turkey for us with all the fixings. It took me two weeks of planning and a hell of a lot of money, plus a lot of help from my OBOE office, as the restaurant wasn't even in my home city. In case you were wondering, getting a turkey here in Japan is a very difficult endeavor. I wanted to surprise her.

It was a Thursday night... and for every day after work, she would drop by my place before heading home... just not on November 22, 1990. She never showed up. I called her place to see if she was all right, but there was no answer. I called an hour later, and an hour later and an hour later, until I decided to make the 20 minute bicycle ride to her place to see if she was still alive.

She wasn't there. In fact, she wasn't there on Friday... I asked Hanazaki-san to call her school, but no one knew where she was except that she had taken the day off. She wasn't home on Saturday, but was back on Sunday when she called me.

She had decided at the last minute to go to a fellow American's place for Thanksgiving and spent a few days. Why would I - a Canadian - ever think that Thanksgiving might be important for an American? Canada does do Thanksgiving - but a month earlier. No one except Matthew or Kristine said anything to me on Canadian Thanksgiving. I should have married Kristine, or at least slept with her when I had the chance. Stupid illness!

So... there I was with a small turkey, scalloped potatoes (try explaining that to someone in Japan!), carrots, parsnips, cranberry sauce and some wine and beer... and no girlfriend to share it with.

Matthew... you'll hate me for this, but I was so despondent by Friday evening when I found out she had booked the day off and hadn't told me anything, that I chucked the whole thing in the garbage, refusing to touch a single thing myself. The whole thing cost me about $400 plus a whole lot of dignity.

I never told her what I did for her that day. But I remembered. As such, every little grievance against myself would piss me off. I don't let anything go. Ever. (Even in 2011 as I write this, I am seething at something I haven't thought about in nearly 20 years.) (Hard to believe I am still married, huh? The way I look at is this: God forgives. I don't. If I forgave, then I would be likening myself unto God, which would be wrong. I know that's all B.S., but I it gives comfort to know I am justified in my anger).

Hanazaki-san understands my anger (recalling the Thanksgiving example), and quickly explains it to Kanemaru-san. Kanemaru-san looks stern and nods his head in understanding. Then he shocks the hell out of me.

"Ash-a-ri-sensei biggu (Ashley teacher's big)?" implying that she had put on weight recently.

I nod my head in agreement and smirk.

Point at his belly, he asks: "You-a (your) baby?"

Holy crap! You could have knocked me over with a feather!     

I think I swore out loud in Japanese then! (I have a book called Making Out In Japanese, that teaches me the good stuff). After numerous denials, emphatic denials, and just plain old-fashioned denials, the OBOE office calmed me down.

I sat down and  relaxed and started typing, stopped and said: "Watashi wa jissai ni wa, kentō ga tsukanai. (I have no idea, actually.)"

That sent the whole office into a buzz! I was going to tell Hanazaki-san that I always used a condom, but instead offered that I think she just ate too much home cooking when she went back to the US these past few weeks. That jive turkey got stuffed.

Which brings us back to Do! See... I wasn't going to write about all of that past crap about Ashley... but it just started flowing like a bad case of dysentery (which is what stopped me from making a pass at Kristine when she came to visit me as recounted in a very recent blog). Wow. What a crappy ending.

There's more to this day, however. Like I once told Ashley after a marathon bout of sex... I think you've had enough for one day. I'll continue tomorrow and tell you about my first date with local fox Shoko. You'll be sad if you miss it!

Somewhere realizing I didn't always use a condom,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by KISS.
PS: That ending is true! At that time in 1991, I didn't realize that pre-cum (a lubricant) can contain sperm. We did always finish clad in latex, however. So... I suppose it was a possibility that she was pregnant with my baby (I can still hear Kanemaru-san in my head here in 2011!!)... just not likely. After Ashley and I had broken up for good or better (about three months ago), we decided that we made a better set of friends-with-benefits, as this way she wouldn't feel crowded... you know, obligated to tell me where she was, like I felt (as a good boyfriend) to tell her where I was and what I was doing. We could still have sex, just not any of the obligations of being a couple. I know she wasn't sleeping around with anyone else. She told me that, and no matter how much I might have slagged her here in this blog, Ashley was not a liar. That means I know she didn't cheat on me. I did sleep with other women over the past year - but only after she broke up with me. Kind of a knee-jerk reaction (heavy on the jerk, I suppose), but it was better than going blind... if you know what I mean... having to take matters into my own hand, so to speak.
PPS: I told you all yesterday that I was going to play poker over at James Dalton's house today. I had forgotten I had a date when I accepted, but called him up immediately afterward to back out. There's a guy adage: Bro's before Ho's... but Shoko was neither, so I didn't feel obligated to cancel my date with her. Besides... there is no way James would have let me come over to play poker with the boys when there was a chance I could play poker with Shoko.

My Back Pages

(L-R: Iso-san; Hanazaki-san (standing), pear farmer and wife, my mother Lynda Hyacinth Joseph

It's been an exciting past two days, as the people of Japan have really taken a shine to my mom, Lynda, as she visits Ohtawara-shi (City of Ohtawara), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan from Toronto.

I've been here 13 months already, so perhaps I am old news to the people of Japan... but then being invited to participate in - not just watch - the Sakuyama Obon Matsuri (Sakuyama Festival of the Dead)... well, it's nice to feel good again. I've been on a major downer lately as my girlfriend or woman troubles have really taken their toll on me. I'm not clinically depressed or anything, but I wonder if anyone I know is? Hmm. I'd ask, but I'm too much of a coward.

Yesterday, the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) took my mother and myself all around the outskirts of Ohtawara to see sites I've not even seen before. I'm unsure if that was because my mother was with me or if it was because I brought a large bottle of good Canadian whiskey for the OBOE superintendent.... I'm sure it was my mom!

It's Thursday, August 19, 1991, and I go into the office again in the morning. My vacation is up, so even though there is no school for me to teach due to summer vacation, I am still expected to be at work at the OBOE. That's fair, of course.

At the OBOE, I try to sort out the upcoming issue of the Tochigi JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme newsletter, The Tatami Times. I'm the editor-in-chief, which means I have to put the content together. Because a lot of new people have just arrived in Japan (and Tochigi-ken) one month ago, I need to make sure that I present them with interesting and useful materials along with the usual mindless comedic crap. The magazine is a mess... as I have no idea what to include or where to put it. I actually have too much material.

I head home at lunch and then pick up my film (or rather my mom's film) from the Iseya department store. When you receive your film back (remember, this was 1991!), the clerks open up the film envelope and show you a photo so that you can assure them that it is your film.

At Iseya, the place is essentially run by pretty young Japanese girls in their early 20s. They took great delight in opening up my mom's entire set of photos and placed them out for me—and the other young girls they called over—to see. I am always an object of great amusement for them. I wonder why I've never asked any of them out? I guess I need to gain greater Japanese language skills.

They ask me all about the places in the film, and who is taking photos of me. They giggle with delight as I try to explain that it is my mom's film and that I do not have a girlfriend right now.

I head home totally bedazzled by all of the female attention and chat with my mom a bit before heading back to the OBOE at 1PM. Hanazaki-san asks me with a pained look on his face of I am busy.

"No."
"Then let's leave."

So we do, dropping my my apartment to pick up my mom. I love surprises!

Iso-san, the gentleman who usually drives us around in his white van, joins us, but this time we are in Hanazaki-san's white Jaguar... what he calls his Toyota Camry. I'm telling you, I got lucky! My office crowd has a wonderful sense of humour... I've heard of other offices for AETs (assistant English teachers) are often rather dour.

Oh... and juts so you know, I had already given Iso-san (and Hanzaki-san) a present earlier, to thank him for looking after me here in Japan. It's nothing great, but it's from the heart.

We first go to the Sakuyama district (in Ohtawara) pear farm I visited last year (photo HERE) and get to load up on free pears and grapes. Okay, I do the loading up, as my mom is leaving for Canada tomorrow. Remember mom - don't tell Canadian customs you visited any farms!

Catacombs with 100's of Buddha statues.

Then we drive out to Yawn, sorry, Yaita-shi (Yaita City) to the Sawa Kannon-ji (fountain spring-goddess temple). It's about 400 years old and is in really great shape. We head down into its catacombs where there are hundreds of Buddha statues! Back topside, my mom and I load up on good luck charms (all of which I lost in my house fire three years ago).

It's raining now. What with Ame Otoko (Rain Man = me) and Ame Oka-san (Rain Mother = my mom), how could it not?

Iso-san then takes my mom over to the kimono school across from the Nozaki-eki (Nozaki train station) that is currently the only JR (Japan Rail) station in Ohtawara. To me, it's actually farther away than the one up at Nishinasuno-machi (Nishinasuno Town) to the northwest of Ohtawara.

My mom tries on a kimono... photos galore via her camera, and just to prove that it's not really a mom-thing, but a camera-thing, it runs out of film. I can see now in 2011 why digital cameras are so awesome.

Kimono school teacher and my mom.

My mom bought a kimono - just not this one... hers was purchased while out west. I'll see if it still fits me and take a photo. Not.

The school has a scale there to weigh bolts of cloth, so I get on and weigh myself, coming in at 77 kilograms (which is just under 170 pounds). All right! I've lost 3 kilograms (~6.5 pounds) since arriving. How the heck did I do that considering all of the booze I've been imbibing?!       

We then head back to the office, as I'm supposed to meet the new English teacher taking over for Nozaki Chu Gakko's (Nozaki Junior High School's) Ishihara Norko-chan (surname first), who was a good friend of mine. She introduces herself as Mrs. Hiyama... so I have no idea what her given name is.

Her English is rusty, but she's really nice and we chat for an hour. Why won't she leave and go back to her school?!

Hanazaki-san then drops us off at my apartment, and by US, I mean myself, my mom and Hiyama-sensei (Hiyama teacher). I guess bevause it was raining, I left my bicycle at the office - and it is now, in fact, pouring like someone should be building an ark and gathering the animals.


I was supposed to have dinner in Nishinasuno tonight with all of the other AETs in our northern section - including Karen, the new girl in Yaita who wants to be my girlfriend. I just want to get laid. I don't want a relationship. Anyhow, since it's my mom's last night here, I stay home and eat a burger and fries dinner.

Naoko and Suzuki Tokunori (the gentleman who allowed me to participate in the Sakuyama Obon Matsuri) come over to make their good-byes to my mom. I think she wishes I would have hooked up with Naoko, as she really took a shine to her.

She shows Naoko some photographs of her trip to western Japan, making sure she sees pictures of a guy she met that she thinks would be perfect for Naoko. Ah... my mom the pimp.

Everyone wants to talk to my mom - including Hiyama-sensei who is still there and joined us for dinner. I have to admit, it was nice to not be--or want to be--the center of attention for once.

Naoko, ever the classy broad, phones for a taxi to come and pick us up tomorrow. Nice.

Somewhere wishing these past three days could have lasted forever,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is originally a Bob Dylan song: This VERSION is sung by Roger McGuinn (The Byrds, whose version of this song I love), Tom Petty (& The Heartbreakers), Neil Young (Buffalo Springfield; Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - he's Canadian),  Eric Clapton (The Yardbirds; John Mayall & The Bluesbreakers; Cream; Blind Faith; Derek & The Dominoes - his dad was Canadian), Bob Dylan, George Harrison (The Beatles). Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.
PS: The photo up above is indeed one from my mom's camera - I took it. Hard to believe my mom is Indian with that complexion, eh? Plus, she's 52 in this photo. I refrained from posting a photo of her until this moment, her last fun day in Japan... she died two years later of a disease you only hear about on the television show House. It breaks my friggin' heart to look at her photo, let alone write about her. I know she would have laughed her head off reading every single one of my Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife adventures. She missed me getting married, having a fantastic son, and would have been there for me when I needed her the most. It hurts everyday knowing that and living in the house where she died. Crap. I'm tearing up now.

Eat It

After the physically tiring and liver-sapping day of yesterday at the Sakuyama Obon Matsuri (Sakuyama festival of the dead), I figured I owed myself a relaxing day off.

It's Wednesday, August 28, 1991 and I'm here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. My mom, Lynda, has flown in from Toronto to visit me, as I am currently in my 13th month of living, loving, screwing, drinking and simply enjoying myself here in Japan. I arrived here an incompetent virgin and along with hitting double digits and simultaneous double female partners, I have learned how to cook, clean, shop, do laundry and iron. I even was taught by a Home Economics teacher at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (one of the seven junior high schools I teach at) how to sew. I'm only so-so at that, however. Sorry for that crappy joke. I usually do better.

So... even though I am on vacation still, I get up early and drag my mom  into work at the Ohtawara Board of Education (which I have dubbed the OBOE... I have no idea why I only did that back in 2009, and not back in 1990-1993!).

I take the Superintendent a large bottle of Canadian whiskey as a present - to thank him for allowing me the honour of working for him these past 13 months, and for another 11 future months, as well as to thank him for looking after my general well-being. To be honest, he had nothing to do with that, though he may have appointed the two men —Kanemaru-san and Hanazaki-san—that job... but, that's Japan. The boss gets the glory and the booze. Not to worry... I'll take in something for those guys later - when I don't have to embarrass the rest of the office when I don't provide presents for everyone.

I really wish I could... but I'm not a rich man—only in the things that count, and I'm pretty pissed off about that—I can only afford a few presents for those that really looked after me... though, to a person, each one in that office played a major role in my survival this past year.
  
As expected (okay, I didn't really expect it), but the whole OBOE goes ga-ga over my mom!

As a special treat (and thanks for the booze), my mom, Hanazaki-san (who speaks much more English than Kanemaru-san) and I are chauffeured around in the Superintendent's air-conditioned limousine. The Superintendent joins us, as we first visit his family home that actually belongs to his older brother now.

Located in Yuzukami-mura (Yuzukami Village), the place is over 200-years-old, is larger than any home I have ever been in here except a castle, is made of solid spruce wood and looks like it was built last week.

His sister-in-law serves us kuri (cucumber) and nasu (egg plant) salted overnight in a brine. It's fantastic, and I can't believe how much I eat considering neither vegetable is amongst my favourites. It's just that tasty!

We next head over to the Tengu Jinja  (Tengu Shrine)... I have no idea where I am... but Tengu is a large-nosed spirit  who can be better described by seeing rather than me writing about it... click on Tengu above for a lookie-loo. Unfortunately the shrine is closed up for repairs, but we can still see through a window.

We then drive out to the small town of Bato! Great! This is the third place I've never been to today - and guess who doesn't have his camera? Yup. Me.

At Bato, to thank him for his even greater generosity, I buy the Superintendent a lovely piece of Bato pottery - a vase. He was going to buy it himself, but I snatched it from his hands and paid for it myself. He seemed completely shocked, but I think he loved the fact that anyone would dare do something so strange and generous.

I don't know if that's what he was thinking, but the strange grin on his face showed ME that I was probably the first person in this country to ever do something like that to and for a boss. I think he originally thought I was going to buy it for myself and wanted it badly enough to rip it from his hands! Fooled you!

In retaliation, he buys my mother a pair of "His & Hers" coffee cups and saucers. I still have those cups - no photo though, as my wife took the camera with her to the cottage just this morning... me? I have to work!) My mom buys herself a large plate to put into her collection back in Toronto.

Next we head over to Ungonji Komekami (Unganji Temple) in Kurobane-machi (Kurobane Town - where Kanemaru-san happens to live). I have been here before, but nestled up against the Nasu mountain range's Higashi Yama (Eastern Mountain), I finally have perfect picture taking weather. mom as is her fashion in Japan, runs out of film... again.

At around 1PM, we stop off at Naka Gawa (Middle River) for an ayu (Japanese sweetfish) and to see the yana (bamboo ramp used to catch the fish).

They drop us off at home at 2PM, but I head out to go shopping while my mom relaxes a bit. My mom is making a tuna casserole.

She had me invite Matthew and Ashley over for dinner, curious to see why I was hung up on this girl. However, since I have kyudo (Japanese archery) tonight, the dinner is at 5PM.

Today I do go to kyudo with Kanemaru-san (my sensei/tecaher). Ashley who does archery with me decides not to go because she is sleepy. If there is one thing that really bothers me about Ashley, it's her inability to stay awake.

She was quiet during dinner, and acted like she didn't want to be there... but she and Matthew are my two best friends here in Japan, and I really wanted them to meet my mom. Screw Ashley - my ex-girlfriend and perhaps still friend-with-benefits... at least Matthew was the life of the party. I couldn't even look at her during dinner.

At kyudo, I hit one target out of four - alright! It's my first successful hit from the proper distance, and my form is perfect! because of that, they make me sign up for a kyudo tournament on September 8. Aaaaarrrggghhh! I have no idea how to say no, I'm a stinking coward in Japanese!

On the plus side, with my hair in a pony-tail, I feel like Robin Hood... if he had a ponytail and was a real person.

However... during archery, my stomach begins to churn and hurt. Everyone thinks its that Thailand dysentery problem I just got over. Me? I think it's either my mom's cooking or nerves hitting about the tournament.

As such, I need to leave early. Kanemaru-san who drove me there says it's okay to leave, and then sits around talking for a while. All I know is that the gurgling in my stomach is a forerunner to my gut exploding all over a toilet... and I've not seen one at the kyudo club!  Someone's going to be sorry!

When he finally does deign to take me home, I rush up to my apartment and barely make it up to my third-floor apartment. Kanemaru-san follows close behind and waits to see if I am alright.

My mom gives him some take-home tuna casserole. I told you someone was going to be sorry.

Matthew was still there when I got home, though Ashley was long gone. My mom was showing him some of my baby pictures.

I survive.

Somewhere wondering why my mom has my baby pictures with her on a trip to Japan,  
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Weird Al Yankovic. BURP
PS: No offense to Ashley in 2011, but my mom did not like her that much. It's probably because she wasn't as effervescent as Karen - the woman who wants to be my girlfriend, and who started sewing stuff for my apartment with my mom. I think Ashley had her baggage, but it still wasn't as heavy as Karen's. I think Ashley was just more shy, and I really did nothing to nurture her breaking out of that - expect to hope that my new-found brashness would rub off on her. I always figured that since I am the life of the party nowadays, that if she hung out with me she would be part of that party life, too. She may not have cared for that. I thought I did, because I had never been popular before thanks to a killer shyness. Regardless, Ashley preferred her own friends, most all of whom I found bitchy and bossy. She could be with her stand-offish crowd, and I could stand with my non-stand-offish crowd. At this time, I am unsure if I need to be with her or not. Same with Karen. Maybe I need someone new. Maybe I need to just freaking relax. I can't do anything with my mom around anyway... and besides... I haven't heard from Karen in a while... I wonder if she is expecting me to call her.  I don't. 
PPS: Okay... I just listened to the words to this parody song Eat It (イート・イット... this reads: ee-to it-to) (it's a parody of Beat It by Michael Jackson)... it mentions starving children in Japan!; and it mentions tuna casserole! Trust me! I had no idea those words were in this song, as I haven't listened to it in maybe 25 years! I love it when a plan comes together!

Lost Woman

It's Thursday, July 16, 1991. I'm an assistant English (AET) teacher on the Japan Exchange & Teaching (JET) Programme here in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture) in Japan.
It's raining. The alarm goes off at 7:05AM but I don't emerge from my bedroom until 7:30AM. I'm exhausted. It can't be physical. It must be emotional or mental.
I decide to walk to work - why have rain splash up from the rear back tire and hit me on the bum?
My boss, Hanazaki-san, at the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) tells me: "And-ryu- sensei (Andrew teacher), You have many, many holidays. Please take them.
No problem on my part, but I tell him I think I have about five days left. He corrects me saying its 15. Wow. That's a lot.
So... starting tomorrow, I'm on holiday.
Also... the month of August is a total holiday. All paid!! Yay! There is no school in August... Japanese students get one month's summer holidays (In Canada and the U.S., it's two months--three if you are in elementary school).
I have an AET meeting for JET representatives today down in Utsunomiya-shi (Utsunomiya City - the capital of Tochigi-ken)--because I'm the Editor of The Tatami Times newsletter, I have to participate. Apparently the Tochigi-ken JET has gone into the toilet in a the past few months after a new president was elected--Susan St. Cyr.
My other boss, Kanemaru-san, will drive down there and hopefully he'll be able to stop off and see his daughter there in university... I wonder if she knows my stalker, psycho-chick hotstuff ex-girlfriend Junko? It's such a small world, that I bet they are best friends.
I need to find out at this meeting if I can still be the Editor of the newsletter and not be an JET member... if not, I'll probably relinquish the position.
Arriving in Utsunomiya on time at 3:30--thanks to Kanemaru-san--I head over to the meeting place... but no one shows up. I am so pissed off.
I hang around until 4:30PM and then head home.
I call a few other AETs and find out that Susan had canceled the meeting because her office wouldn't give her the day off. She knew this before! Why wasn't I informed?! I am so ticked off! Women!!!
Trying to relax, I wonder if Ashley will come over tonight. She has another enkai (party) tonight.
She does come over, of course. Drunk and horny. And I'm completely sober.
We give each other massages and then I jump her and we go at it like a mongoose and a cobra snake, except instead of death, we are entangled in sex.
At 2AM, we ride our bicycles back to her place--to make sure she gets home safely. She needs to have different clothes for work tomorrow, after all.
She's a little wobbly on her bicycle... either from the enkai or from me.

Somewhere feeling a bit more relaxed,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by the James Gang: RIFF

Laugh, Laugh

(Dictionary: 'san' means: Mister, Monsieur, Miss, Mrs or even Ms. 'sensei' means teacher.) 
I don't want to get up today even though I've set the alarm a half-hour later than usual. Still, I don't leave my bed for another 30 minutes.
It's Friday, July 5, 1991 and I feel emotionally tired. The Junko saga has really wiped me out.
How can I even tell anyone what's gone on? It's going to be 20 years before I'll feel comfortable enough to talk about this with anyone.
Still... when I go into the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) office for my 'office day', everyone treats me likes it's just another day and that they are super glad to see me again. I like that.
Kanemaru-san comes over quickly with his Japanese-English dictionary in hand which prompts to automatically reach for my English-Japanese dictionary. But either he's been practicing English with someone else, or I'm a better English teacher than I realized.
"An-do-ryu sensei want to go to (pause to look up a word) individual kyudo contesto on July 19?"
In two weeks? I choke on some phlegm and laugh because I'm still not good enough. I still haven't hit a target and I need to practice a lot more. Still, my laugh feels good and real. Aside from laughing maniacally to myself at all of the great sex I had been having with Junko, I haven't laughed much in a couple of months. Actually, since I had been having frequent sex with Junko, I guess I had been laughing often.
Hanazaki-san talks to me in English knowing that no one else in the office will understand us.
"An-do-ryu sensei... we took Junko back to her mother's house in Utsunomiya. She told us that you are in love with her and that you made her drop out of university because you said you would marry her."
I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. Actually, I did yell: "She's lying!" and slammed my hand on the desk in front of me."
To their credit, no one looked shocked. In fact... no one looked up from their desk. Crap. They all know what's going on. They just don't want to embarrass me.
Hanazaki-san continued: "Yes. We know. We realized there was something wrong with her on her first day at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School) - that was the day you first met."
We did meet that day - she was a university student on a one-week internship at this school, one of seven I teach at here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken (Ohtawara City, Tochigi Prefecture), Japan.
"How did you know?" I asked slowly.
"At school lunch that day, we know that miso soup was one of the dishes. According to our sources, Junko said she didn't want to use Japanese chopsticks and instead asked for a spoon. Now that's crazy."
I looked at him for about six seconds, opened my mouth to say something. Closed it and then looked at the twinkle in Hanazaki-san's eyes.
"Jodan! (Joke!)," I screamed and laughed in a roar.
And the whole damn OBOE office began laughing with me.

I'll continue this day in another blog. It involves me being followed by a Japanese woman and sleeping with another woman.

Somewhere I love my board of education office,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is inspired by the Beau Brummels: HAHA. The group is American - which surprised me. The song was produced by Sylvester Stewart, who would later grown into mega-fame as Sly Stone: you know, of Sly & The Family Stone back in the 1960s??! Huh? Huh? Ahhh forget it. I must be old.

Free Bird

I'm at Wakakusa Chu Gakko (Wakausa Junior High School) today, Wednesday June 26, 1991. I have another four English classes to team teach - and it's tiring, but at least it beats being back in Toronto having to find honest work during the recession.
Here in Ohtawara-shi (City of Ohtawara) in Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), this school is the only junior high school that has separate classes for the mentally-challenged kids. I eat lunch with them every day - it's fun.
Today I played the piano for them - Bumble Bee Boogie - in their class room.
I notice that some of the kids are playing a joke on their teacher - but I shut up and let them go about their business - because what the heck! I love a good joke, too.
Because Japanese kids serve lunch to their fellow students and teacher in their class - the same holds true here. They pile a lot of cheese onto the plate of one bot who absolutely hates cheese! The look on his face is priceless! As well, they add about 10 chopsticks - of different size - to the plate of their teacher! Riot!
I play with the kids for a bit after eating - and then it's the typical clean-up time when all of the kids clean their class room and hallways before heading out to play.
Because the teacher's have a meeting, I'm taken home early - as the meeting is all in Japanese - and despite being called a teacher, I sure as heck am not one. For one thing, I'm better paid than a veteran 20-year-teacher. Truth. Sad but true, folks. I believe one such teacher - Mr. Inoue over at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School) once confided his salary to me... it was the equivalent of $26,000 a year. I made $36,000 a year as an assistant English teacher (AET) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme.
Back home, I ride out to my back doctor and feel quite good afterward. Back home I eat dinner and go to kyudo (Japanese archery). I haven't played much since being hit by two cars in separate incidents last autumn. Part of it has been a reluctance to participate because I'm not as good as I think I should be - even as a beginner, but also because I did bugger up my shoulder.
Kanemaru-san (Mr. Kanemaru), who is one of my bosses at the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) is the one who got me involved in this sport - and I feel as though I have not only let myself down, but him as well.
Tonight, however, I shoot well . I don't know if this was a bad thing, but I placed the arrow's feather through my lips to smooth them down. I have no idea if it helped or not, bit I did shoot better. Maybe that's my good luck thing. Still, despite the good shooting, I tire easily.
Kanemaru-san has been instructing me on form... and while I do have some strength back, the whole bow and arrow thing scares the heck out of me. He tells me that my form is pretty good - and that's half the battle in kyudo.

While I figure I tire easily due to a lack of practice in using certain muscles, the Ohtawara Kyudo Club feels that I should be using a bow that requires less brute strength to pull it.
The ego in me likes having the heaviest bow in the club, but the reality of the situation is that despite being the big, bad gaijin (foreigner), I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I defer to their wishes.
They then try to give me a two-finger archery glove - but I prefer my three-finger glove as it seems to help me keep my face out of the way when I draw the string back.
I shoot well all evening, and remember all of the form techniques one must master to shoot properly.
As such, before I leave for the evening, I tell them I want to shoot at a real target (60 feet away?) in two weeks, rather than the practice one that sits eight feet in front of me. Kanemaru-san says "okay". His English is getting better, as he an I didn't have to use the Japanese to English dictionary all that much today.
I'm psyched at my progress today.
Tim Mould calls me up. He's the Kuroiso-shi (Kuroiso City) Boys High School AET. He asks me to write a letter to the new AET who will be coming to his city to teach junior high in August. What the heck? I like to write. And I seem to know what I'm doing as an AET.
I try to call Susan St. Cyr regarding the last weekend at Disneyland and about life, but she's not home. I call Mary Mueller up - she was the leader of the Tochigi-ken JET AETs - and though she is with a guy named Peter, I still have a major crush on her. I could listen to her talk for hours and hours, and thanks to her ability to carry a conversation, I frequently do listen to her talk for hours and hours.
Oh yeah... before kyudo, I went to the Iseya grocery/department store near my home and ran into some students from Ohtawara Chu Gakko. They followed me from one store to another (Mimasuya) and then back to my apartment. They followed me up the elevator and to my apartment door and then came into visist for a while.
It ticked me off - because despite me telling you readers everythging about my life, I still enjoy my privacy. So I called my other OBOE boss, Mr. Hanazaki.
He immediately called the principal of Ohtawara Chu Gakko, and then called me back to say that it won't ever happen again.

Somewhere again starting to feel like I belong in Japan,
Andrew Joseph 
Today's blog title is by Lynyrd Skynyrd - because I feel uncaged today - plus I'm licking bird feathers on arrows. ICAN'TCHANGE

Lucky Man

Despite the euphoria of having just slept with a gorgeous 21-year-oldJapanese university student, I'm cranky today - Tuesday, June 18, 1991.
It might be a lack of sleep - a thought that makes me smile because of why I had no sleep.
This morning, Junko sees me and coyly smiles at me in the teacher'soffice of Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School - also knownas Dai Chu) here in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (TochigiPreferecture/State/Province) in Japan.
She repeatedly gives me the eye,and once licked her lips at me. Holy smokes! This woman is a tiger! Shedoesn't say too much to me today - a fact that makes a couple of theteachers pay even closer attention to me.
They know something happened between us last night.
They also know it was nothing bad, as she keeps looking at me (andobviously I'm looking at her to have noticed her looking at me).
The teachers - first all of the women - look at Junko, then stare atme. They then go into a huddle and seem to have confirmed that yes, Idid sleep with the university student. They seem concerned that perhapsI will attack the other two female university students doing an internshiphere at this school.
I might. But, it's not often I make the first move... I'm only aggressive after I'm sure I'm not going to be rebuffed.
The men... they just kind of figured out that I probably already sleptwith Junko, and while glad for me, probably hated my guts.
Now... here's an embarrassing thing that I'm truly not very proud off.
I know.. you've read a lot of things in these blogs that I should beashamed of, but this one is up there. Yes, it's worse than trying todeflower the university student. I tried. But someone beat me to it.
Anyhow... the students are all asses today. It's like they too hate me for sleeping with the sexy Junko.
In order to silence one of the 2nd-year students (grade 9's/14-year-olds)--a fatand obnoxious brat--I actually put him in a headlock and squeezed himuntil he changed color.
I'm going to guess this was a bad thing. And probably not something Ishould be admitting (though I did tell a few of my fellow gaijin(foreigners) about it later).
I did it after I repeatedly warned him that flipping the middle finger at an American of Canadian could get him into a fight.
Anyhow... I don't know how long I held him in that headlock... itseemed like a while. It wasn't really a choke hold, as I did squeezehim around the forehead.
What am I doing? I'm a lover, not a fighter! Just ask Junko!
Later on, I offered to shake the kid's hand in apology... but he saidhe wanted to fight some more. This he said in English! I could havecried in happiness!
But, after repeatedly sticking my hand out, he relented and went to grab it... in a judo throw.
Bugger! He didn't toss me, however, as I do know judo. He should haveknown that too, if he had remembered my self-introduction a few monthsback. Instead, I just held and squeezed his hand until he went down onhis knees.
He won't do that again (and truthfully - he didn't. He and I, while never best of friends, were friends after that!).
Obviously, I'm hyper now. So I go out to the front of the school andstare at the pond that is home to countless frogs. Despite beingcountless, I attempt to count them anyway. I get up to 47 beforebecoming bored, and instead wonder why the pond water is rust-coloured.
At lunch, my boss from the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education), Mr.Hanazaki, says he is coming over. I panic for 10 minutes until hearrives - fearing that it just might be wrong to fight a student!Instead, he has me sign my contract for next year, and tells me Ishould take it with me when I go down to the (work) Visa office inTokyo to essentially be allowed to stay in Japan another year.
He walks me around the school pointing out that his father was theprincipal at Dai Chu 15 years ago. He shows me his dad's photo. Youwon't believe this, but the man was smiling in the picture! The exactsame smile my boss has on his face every time I see him! Awesome!
Hanazaki-san (Mister Hanazaki... san also means Miss or Ms.) asks me if I had a nice time with Junko last night. How the hell did he know that?
I smile a crooked smile, raise my right eyebrow and say: "Hai!" (Yes!)He slaps me on the back and asks me about Ashley-sensei (Ashley teacher- my ex). I tell him we broke up. He says "Okay, secret,"  bows andwalks off.
How can he know I've slept with some woman whose last name I don't knowthat I met yesterday - but not know Ashley and I broke up?! I mean,weren't we yelling at each other loudly enough?  
Regardless, after school I arrive back at my apartment to see Ashleysitting on the front steps of the building. She looks pretty good,despite having put on a few pounds these past couple of weeks. She comes in, we chat, watch anepisode of Designing Women on a video tape I have and then walk over to a Chinese restaurantnear the Ashikaga Bank about four minutes away from my place. There'san enkai (a party) for something or another. Whatever. I was invited,and in turn asked Ashley to join me.
Despite being a non-couple, it's still my goal to get her good anddrunk and then... well, do whatever it is you do when you're drunk. Pee, Isuppose.
Matthew is there, and so is French-Canadian Martin and the American Kevin(the last two work for American corporations here in Ohtawara). Takakois there (Matthew's girlfriend), as well as Sugawara-san, and a couple of ladies Irecognize but don't know by name.
The food is not that filling, but the beer and whiskey is. I drink morethan my fair share, as I correctly assume that gaijin drink free. Ashley helps herself to my whiskey.
She and I are pretty chummy - I even let her get in a few good rips atme for old times sake. I dominate the entire conversation because I'm aloudmouth schnook - but no one seems to mind. I  make jokes and mimiceverybody there. I make a total ass of myself - but since we're allhaving a good time and not acting false, no one cares!
At 9PM, the party is over. I know. 9 P.M.! That's when the sidewalks are rolled up in Ohtawara-shi.
Still, the group of us go to a local coffee shop near the Ohtawara BoysHigh School where Ashley teaches. Narita, Brian, Naoko and thebeautiful girl from my evening conversation class--Shoko--are there.Ashley sits beside me. I'm sure Shoko is giving Ashley the evil eye.
We have something called Royal Tea and cheese cake - and I swear, if Ididn't have so much muscle there, it would have gone straight to mythighs. I don't know about anyone else, though.
At 10:30, we leave the shop. Martin drops Ashley and myself off at my apartment and then drives Matthew home.
Ash and I go up to my place take that wonderful pee we've been holdingin for hours and then sit and relax in my place while I make a phonecall to Susan St. Cyr to confirm that Ashley and I do want to go toDisneyland (probably... just not as a couple).
When I talk with Susan, she invites me to stay at her place this Friday night - and when Imention Ashley is coming, she hems for a second before saying Ashleycan stay too.
Cripes. Does everybody love Andrew? Or maybe she just didn't like Ashley.
Even though Ashley didn't ask me to, I rode my bicycle to accompany herback to her place 30 minutes away in Nishinasuno-machi (NishinasunoTown). The ride was nice and relaxed - probably because we were bothhammered.
And, even though we were both drunk - sleeping with her tonight is not part of my plan. Tonight builds trust.
I go into her place for a Coke. I notice my photo is gone and wonder ifshe burned it to exorcise the demons - much like she did the first timewe broke up back in November? Regardless, when I leave at 11:30PM, I geta really long (non-sexy), big hug.
I ride home getting there at about 11:50PM and see Junko leaving my front door.
What the hell. I call to her quietly. She turns, smiles and waits for me to unlock the door.
I still don't have a pair of indoor slippers for her - not that she needs to have anything on.

Somewhere the kami (gods) are smiling this week on,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Emerson, Lake and Palmer: ELP 
PS: There's another blog eight (8) hours from the time this one is published - about something evil in Japan! 

Love Rollercoaster

Because the next two days are kind of dull like my mood, I'm going to combine them. I only include them because I'm setting the mood - as the next couple of months will soon become quite frenetic.

Thursday, June 6, 1991.
At Kaneda Minami Chu Gakko (Kaneda South Junior High School) I only have classes in the 3rd, 4th and 5th period (there are only 5 periods at this school) -  all of which I have to teach by myself as the English teacher Mrs. Yamamoto has to coach a softball tournament.
Before they leave, the girls are out practicing on the field outside, so I go out to watch.
These kids are fantastic! So's the coach. Strong and forceful, but cajoling. An excellent coach.
These girls play better than any of the teams I played on as an adult in my early 20s!
Wishing them good luck, I head back in to prepare for my three classes.
In each of the classes, I show them the first half of the movie Back To The Future - and show the last half after school to 12 very interested - but nerdy - boys. The rest had their own club activities to attend - but 12 is more than I expected, to tell the truth.
When I go home afterward, I call up Rory - Kristine's friend in Tokyo - introduce myself (as a friend of Kristine) and mention that Kristine thought he and I would get along. I then related my girl situation. Rory had no qualms about having me come for a visit to show me around the city to help me get out of my funk (and hopefully my pants! with some lucky woman or three).
It's Thursday. My ex-girlfriend Ashley and I apparently broke up on Monday - even though I'm sure I broke up with her on Saturday. I only mention this because this is the longest I have gone in Japan without having a woman around as my girlfriend or girlfriend as a one-night plaything. That's what Japan was like for me. I spent nearly 26 years being ignored by women back in Toronto, but here in Japan - the whole country was like my own private Plato's Retreat. My own private Disneyland where I don't care how tall you are to ride my roller coaster. 
After talking to Rory, I call up Kristine for a 30-minute sexually-charged one-handed conversation. Just so you all are aware... 20 years later Kristine has no knowledge of these sexually charged conversations, but I still have the right forearm muscles to prove it.
Sated, I call up Tim and Mari Ann before Matthew comes over with his new girlfriend (but mutual friend) Takako. She looks awesome. Matthew's one lucky dog.
I go to bed, but not to sleep. That's Day five, if any one is counting.

Friday June 7, 1991.
Today is an office day where I go to the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) office and write up a few reports for them, write letters and essentially get paid for the day while goofing off.
Kanemaru-san and Hanzaki-san - my two bosses responsible for me while I am in Japan tell me that I'll be getting an air-conditioner in my apartment next Wednesday. Apparently my sweating fish story worked (HOTFISH)!
From the office, I call up the effervescent Melissa - a very sexy blond I really liked but was unable to do anything about while shackled to Ashley since my third day in Japan - and tell her about my situation. Apparently she already knows.
I'm guessing some sort of warning went out to all of the female AETs (assistant English teachers) working in Tochigi-ken on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme to let them know that I was on the prowl. As such - I ain't getting any from her, as she seems to have sided with Ashley on this one. That's just my opinion - she never said anything to indicate that, though.
At home, I decide not to go out to the bars, and instead stay home and further depress myself. Heavily. With booze. I call up a few people: Dan, Matthew, Melissa (again - but she's still not biting, if you know what I mean) and Ashley. We chat for less than a minute. It's not pretty.
And, just to let you know what I was thinking - and have never mentioned this to a single person before - I thought about going up to the roof of my seven-story apartment building and ending it on the pavement below. Stupid. The thought was there long enough to remember it, but short enough to realize I would never do something to hurt myself - especially over a woman. Stupid.
Still, I decide not to even bother going to bed and stay up all night long pacing in my three-bedroom apartment going over the past in my head. I'm just making myself further upset. Stupid.

Somewhere on the prowl,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is ridden by the Ohio Players: TWOTICKETS. There's also a cool version done 20 years later by the Red Hot Chili Peppers: FOURTICKETS (the cost of inflation), but it's well worth the money to have a listen.
PS: The roller coaster goes up and down and side to side - much like the way I was feeling these two days - but you already knew that, didn't you?

One Day

Hi... Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife has had an amazing month of March so far - easily topping over 2200 page hits. Thank you. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear radiation concerns - but I've found that more people are actually reading the funny stuff..
So... I'm going to do that again - with the odd bit of current news from Japan when it happens - or at least when I find out about it.
I'm going to take you back to a very exciting time in my life. Okay, it's one of the many, many exciting times in my life, and it begins on Monday, May 27, 1991... according to whatever calculations I made, this is my 312 journal entry of life in Japan. It's also my 352nd blog today. Yay! Happy birthday or whatever. It's not my birthday.

It's an office day. I am still in my first year here as an assistant English teacher (AET) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme - teaching at seven junior high schools in the city of Ohtawara (Ohtawara-shi) in the Prefecture of Tochigi (Tochigi-ken).
At the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education who pay my salary), I talk to my boss Hanazaki-san (Mister Hanazaki) about me wanting to kill all of the spiders around my apartment. At first he is concerend because all spiders are special to the Japanese.
Apparently - according fact or myth - the Buddha will return reincarnated in the form of a spider. Not wanting to tick off a country by accidentally killing the Buddha, I come to my senses and tell Hanazaki-san that there is no way the Buddha would be reincarnated in the home of a non-believer like me. So, until the real Buddha does show up elsewhere, I'd like to kill all of the imposters, I mean false prophets, for the Japanese people (and myself).
Hanazaki-san is no idiot. He knows I'm a joker and he knows he (and Kanemaru-san) are responsible for my well-being here in Japan. He knows I'm playing him, but gladly accepts my argument for killing spiders. He asks a junior office worker to order some spider spray for me.
Then I tell him that I would like to buy a telescope. Back in Toronto, the city lights at night are too bright and you can only see maybe 20 stars up in the sky... but in Ohtawara-shi after 9PM when the city rolls up its sidewalks - well... there are millions and billions of stars in the sky. Despite getting excellent marks in Astronomy classes in university, and having read every book I could ever get my hands on about astronomy and space since I was six-years-old, I had never actually looked through a telescope.
For some reason, Hanazaki-san has a book handy that shows me differing types of telescopes and their prices. Cool, but weird that he happened to have that book! I know people know everything about me here - but this is ridiculous!
Okay... things are going well... so I tell them I would like a small air-conditioner in my apartment because my goldfish are sweating. Hanazaki-san smiles and says he understands. Nothing else is said.
Apparently, on the JET Programme, host offices responsible for the AET get a fairly large annual budget - I believe it's Y300,000 ($3,000) to spend ( at their discretion) on the AET to make him or her more comfortable.
Who knew?
I did, of course... which was why I was acting the greedy little bastard.
I began studying some Kanji (the Japanese alphabet that looks like symbols and is based on the Chinese pictograph system) ... there are 1,942 Kanji one needs to learn by the end of high school in order to be considered fluent. Anyhow, along with learning how to write the Kanji, I also memorize all of the definitions and words you can use them with when you combine multiple Kanji symbols. Truly humbling.
At home, I receive a letter from my taxi driver friend Doug back in Toronto, who has sent me a 12-page document - hand-written. I write him back describing my theory on the origin of man and life on Earth, and then I create a story about the origin of God and why our universe will die. I think it's funny, and I'll present it to you (both stories) over the next two days before I go back to exciting time.
Anyhow, after I pen my tale, I eat dinner (I didn't write down what it was, but chances are it was take-out... as I didn't have alot of groceries in my fridge as I was going away the next day.
After my meal I ride my bicycle over to my extra-curricular night school gig and teach by myself for 40 minutes to about 20 adults from the city who are interested in learning conversational English but probably enjoy just talking to me more.
I head home at 9PM and iron clothes until 12:30AM.

Somewhere putting an electric fan in my aquarium,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Matisyahu: NOMOREWAR
PS: I need to buy new goldfish.

 


   

Enter Sandman

Something short today... the stories I wrote out this afternoon at lunch, I accidentally left on my computer at work. So... forgive me if this is a bit of filler.
We'll file this under: Did you know?"
Did you know that most Japanese people sleep on futons? A futon is a very thin mattress bereft of any springs. It's akin to a gymnasium mat - but without the hard plastic overlay.
Apparently every morning when you wake up, you are supposed to roll up your futon. Why? Well, truthfully for months I did not do that. And, when I finally decided to figure out where that strange smell was coming from, I discovered that I was growing mushrooms under the futon.
My body heat/sweat and fluids from myself and my girlfriend Ashley had created a primordial soup, if you will, from which life was created. Our ugly baby.
Because futons are always used atop grass tatami mats, the mold and fungus that grew rendered my tatami mats a wet, black spore-riddled mess.
Once mold grows on them, you can't clean them. The tatami mats have to be removed and replaced.
Kanemaru-san and Hanazaki-san of the Ohtawara Board of Education (OBOE) chastised me appropriately for my costly mistake (or ignorance), and said I must roll up my futon every day... and once a week, I should remove the blankets around it and air it out outside - no matter how cold the weather... rain... maybe not, but I should do my best to still remove the blankets from it and make sure everything gets a good cleaning.
Lesson learned by me, I did not have another issue with my futon or my new tatami mats.
Okay, actually the OBOE solved my lessons for me. Because I had some good back pain before I arrived in Japan - and the futon did nothing to alleviate that back pain, they found something that would help. I guess they put a call out to the good people of Ohtawara-shi, Toichigi-ken, Japan, because someone 'donated' a Queen-sized bed for me and my girlfriends.
They even sent along three sets of new sheets and a quilts.
And even though it's not exactly kosher to place a bed on top of the tatami mats, the OBOE did not bat an eye or call me a stupid gaijin (foreigner)... they just placed the bed on the tatami knowing that when it was time for me to leave the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme, it would be time to replace the tatami mats anyways.
With the new bed, my back stopped hurting me, and I stopped getting tatami mat burns on my knees when I had sex.
What a great country!

Somewhere where mushrooms grow,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Metallica - listen here: NAPSTER 
PS: Somewhere where mushrooms grow? In the dark, covered in horse crap.
PPS: In the photo above, that's Ashley taking a nap on my futon that sits atop my tatami mat floor.

The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

The story you are about to read takes place very early in my rife in Japan - about one month in - during September of 1990. 

I have lousy eyes. No... I think they are pretty, but my vision sucks. I have the equivalent of 20/800 vision. I believe that means that whatever a person with perfect vision can see 800 feet away, I have to be 20 feet away to see it.

Obviously, I had to wear glasses - and they were as thick as my baby finger... and those were the ultra-thin glass variety. Combine shyness with glasses that could fry a bug by me looking at it, is there any wonder I never slept with a woman until I was 25?

Okay... when I was 17, I got contact lenses... but in my defense, the Coke-bottle glasses had done their job and had lowered my self esteem.

My glasses were something called photo-grey, meaning the lenses got darker as the light around it got brighter, and vice-versa.

When I got the contacts, my eyes had become accustomed to having a certain amount of darkness... that is, bright lights hurt my eyes. Starting in Grade 12 (age 17), I began wearing sunglasses. I even got sassy and wore them in school, as the teachers knew I had photo grey lenses, and just assumed I had a more cool looking set of glasses. Problem was - everyone in school assumed the same thing. I was wearing sunglasses in school and looking cool, but no one knew it. 

In Japan - a country known as the Land Of The Rising Sun - it can be pretty darn bright. I had a pair of $100 Rayban sunglasses purchased in Toronto that I wore whenever I went outside in the sun. 

Now Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara city), I have joked, is often under cloud. It's on those rare occasions when it's sunny, that I need the sunglasses. I didn't need to wear them all the time in Japan, because, well, the majority of my students already thought I was pretty cool - just because I was a gaijin (foreigner/outsider), or maybe because I didn't treat them like little kids.

One evening in my apartment while doing laundry, I happened to somehow step on my sunglasses. Crunch. 

Unfortunately, the next day was Monday and I was going to be busy every evening until Saturday, so going to a shop to buy sunglasses was going to be impossible. Fortunately, it was cloudy on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. On Wednesday it rained.  

Friday, being an office day at the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) - meaning I don't teach at any of my seven junior high schools and instead got to sit around the office studying, reading or composing letters and stories - I got to see my bosses Kanemaru-san and Hanazaki-san. 

These guys are part psychic or must watch me constantly on some secret closed-circuit television all day long, because they already knew I had broken my sunglasses. Truthfully.

Hanazaki-san asked if I would like to go for a ride at 10AM with himself, Kanemaru-san, and our ever-faithful driver Hashimoto-san (who is not the OBOE chauffer, but merely a guy with a white van).

We piled into his van, and arrived at our destination one minute later. I swear we could have walked there in three minutes.

We were at a shop that sold glasses and sunglasses.

With Hashimoto-san standing outside watching his van, us remaining Three Stooges went in. Hanazaki-san immediately went over and began chatting with the proprietor, while Kanemaru-san watched me pick up a few pairs of sunglasses to try on. He was smoking in the shop - and no one cared. In fact, he offered one to the shop owner who gladly accepted a Golden Bat cigarette.

I listened in a bit as Hanazaki-san talked to the owner - and I only heard the word gaijin-san (Mister Foreigner) said once by the owner before Hanazaki-san cut him off with a "Dame! An-do-ryu-sensi, desu yo! (Nope! It's Andrew teacher!)". 

Cool. I've never spoken to Hanazaki-san or any other Japanese person (Nihonjin) about the term "gaijin", but it was obvious that he already knew that it could be insulting. 

I never thought of the word gaijin as insulting. I'd prefer they not use it though, because using the term focuses on the differences between the Japanese and everyone else, and truthfully, outside of this blog, there's no reason to do that.

Anyhow, Hanazaki-san pointed to the pair of Rayban Wayfarers I had on that were priced at ¥25,000 (about $250 US), said I looked kakkoii in them (handsome, and is = pronounced ka-ko-we) and told me the owner had offered us a special discount in honour of me visiting his store.

Cool. I never thought anything of it then, as I had already found that whenever I have needed something in Japan, the people here have fallen over backwards to give it to me, or help me find it, or like this shop owner, offer me a great deal (see HERE for another example of generosity).

Now... in 2010 as I write this... I wonder if there really was a discount. Instead, perhaps the OBOE covered the discount, as apparently each AET (Assistant English Teacher) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme is alloted ¥100,000 ($10,000 US) a year (it could be less) to look after any special needs we may have.... like a new futon, or a microwave or a bed (nothing frivolous like sunglasses!), or to simply pay for Hashimoto-san's gasoline usage.

Regardless, I paid ¥15,000 ($150 US) for the sunglasses. Which, means I saved $100 dollars. Of course, I know these same glasses only cost $150 (¥15,000) back in Canada. 

Now, here's the interesting thing. There were only 15 varieties of sunglasses in the shop. That's it. Want to know why? Well, apparently the Japanese aren't really the sunglasses wearing type! Back in 1990 - when this story takes place - Japan didn't have a fashionable excuse to wear sunglasses. It had to be practical. Because that's what the Japanese always were. Excluding, of course, things like: pachinko. See HERE.

Fellow AET and good friend Jeff Seaman (yes, he gets the joke about his last name - and to be honest, even I never made a pun about it because I'm sure he had heard it all before), told me a couple of days later that he had heard a reason why the Japanese don't wear sunglasses. 

Truth or fiction? I'm just repeating the story.

He said the Japanese (and other Oriental-type folk - I can't say Asian, because Indians are considered Asian) have something called the epicanthic fold over their eyes and that the more pronounced eyelid covering helps people like Koreans, Japanese, Chinese, Filipino et al function in bright light due to the fold blocking out more of the sun's brightness. It's like a permanent squint, if I may be so bold. Since the eyelid acts in a manner similar to sunglasses, why buy sunglasses?

Makes sense to me.

Somewhere looking cool,

Andrew Joseph  

Today's title is performed by Timbuk3. You may listen to the song HERE, bright eyes.

PS: By the way... the Asian/Oriental thing... Oriental may refer to a race. I'm of Indian background (dot not the feather)... and we are considered to be Caucasian... which people generally assume to mean white, which I am not, despite my love of hockey.
PPS: In the photo above, that's me pretending to be Stevie Wonder. Yeesh.