Just in case you are looking for some advice for your first time in Japan, I've compiled some tips for newcomers. This isn't for 'visitors', it has been designed tongue in cheek for those of you who want to stay, work and live in the Land of the Rising Sun. Read on, and rotsa ruck!
- Leave now. It's a mistake for you to be here. But if you must...
- Remember to always remove your shoes before you enter a home. The same can be said for all schools, dentists, doctors, chiropractors and gynecologist offices. Do not worry - each will provide small, ugly slippers for you to wear while there.
- Buy foot spray if the itching continues.
- Also remember to remove the building slippers in favour of the bathroom slippers when you have to use the facilities. These always green slippers do not actually fit a gaijin's (foreigner's) feet, but neither do they seem to fit the average Japanese person's feet.
- Never answer the telephone or doorbell in Japanese. Despite the level of simplicity you may have chosen, conversing with a native Nihonjin (Japanese person) convinces them that you are fluent, when the odds are extremely good that you are not. Jut trust me on this one.
- Always remove tissues from your pocket before you wash your clothes. This one is self-evident, and isn't just for the gaijin in Japan. It's just good common sense. I have many black items of clothing speckled with so much white lint that I might as well be wearing white--just make sure you don't wear white after Labour Day.
- Get drapes/curtains for that rabbit hutch you call a home. The sun rises at 4:30AM - at least it does in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken. The country does not follow daylight savings time.
- If cigarette smoke bothers you, you might want to reconsider living here. The guys pretty much smoke with impunity, indoors and outdoors. You'll get no relief here.
- Don't worry if you don't understand the other foreigners who have lived here longer than six months. They often use a lot of Japanese in their English conversations that is meant to amaze and confound you in one fell swoop. Don't be alarmed. At this point in time, you probably speak better English than they do.
- Japan is an expensive country to live in. See HERE for information about rental housing. However, when it comes to purchasing something frivolous, let me tell you from personal experience - you only live once (maybe), so go out and purchase it. So enjoy, enjoy enjoy!
- Again, Japan is expensive. If you want to eat every month, budgeting your meagre resources is a must. Remember, you only live once (maybe), so don't make it any more difficult than it already is. So be frugal, frugal, frugal.
- Boredom is not only a state of mind in Japan, it's a national past time. There are many interesting hobbies you could start while in Japan. One of my personal favourites is collecting looks from the Japanese. Look up a good hobby in your "So Now You've Gone And Done It" Japanese guide book. Hobbies are located under "N" for "Non-Japanese.
- After using hot water, always remember to turn off your hot water heater located conveniently in an other part of your apartment or house. You have a house??!!
- This one is important: always roll up your sleeping futon every single day after use, and air them out on the weekends when it's dry... which means you could be out of luck - because if it's not snowing or raining, the humidity will dampen the heck out of it. So, why do this to the futon? Again, speaking from personal experience, there's nothing worse than growing mushrooms and other fungi under the futon on your tatami (grass mat flooring), only to find that they are inedible.
- For those of you living in cities not named Tokyo or possibly Osaka, when walking along the streets - be careful. In the smaller cities and towns, the sidewalks are thin slabs of concrete tile that sit atop the flowing sewer lines. Just so you know, the slabs of concrete are not always present. Getting a shoe soaker from a sewer is not very pleasant.
- You are in Japan. You have to try the cuisine with an open mind and make up your own opinion on whether or not it should be swallowed. All kidding aside. It's not half bad. It's only about 47% bad. Just kidding. There was stuff there I'd never eat again unless I had to, but when you are socializing with the Japanese and food comes out, you MUST eat what they eat. It's how you will fit in.
- Don't go to a Japanese dentist even if you like incompetence. they would probably find a way to mess up being incompetent, too. The fact that most Japanese have teeth that gleam with bands of gold and silver and can pick-up most shortwave radio bands is another good reason to avoid a dentist while here. You've been warned.
- According to Buddhist tradition, the Buddha is supposed to come back to Earth reincarnated in the form of a spider - so be careful not to kill any of the revolting creatures in front of the Japanese who might become offended at your barbaric insensitivity. I got around it by saying there was no way the Buddha would come back to the apartment balcony of an unbeliever. My bosses believed that. I said I would get rid of all the false prophets a my gift to the Japanese. My bosses liked that and bought me a can of bug spray.Feel free to use that.
- It's hotter than Hell in August. But, come September and October, the typhoon season will wash away your heatstroke and a few neighbours to boot. The typhoon season is followed by the cold-dark season (when the sun vacations someplace fit for gaseous matter - like Ottawa, Canada). In April, it begins to get warm again, but it is still cloudy until June when the rainy season starts. This finishes in mid-July when it becomes unbearably hot and humid for exactly 47 days. And then it begins anew.
- Men: If you are bored while riding the trains, count the number of leg hairs on the Japanese women. Women: Count the number of times you get goosed by a Japanese man.
- Men: If you have to wait for someone on a crowded street, count the number of Japanese women who have knock-knees and marvel at why their pantyhose hasn't either worn out from the constant friction, or caught fire. Women: Count the number of times you get goosed by a Japanese man.
- Japanese condoms will not fit the average foreigner. If they do... bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Okay, that was classless even for me. Still, the initial fact is correct. See HERE.
- It's still not to late for you to leave.
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is whined by Pink Floyd. You can listen to it HERE. In this case, the well-oiled machine is Japan.
PS: The facts contained here, are indeed facts. Take my comments with a grain of salt, after all, when in Japan, your mileage may vary. I stayed for three years and never had a dull moment, and always had a great time.
PPS: Re: #12 - I talked to a lot of people regarding hobbies while in Japan, as my hobby is hobbies. The Japanese claim not to have a lot of time for frivolous hobbies. I liked the concept of 'bonsai trees', which involves creating your own miniature tree... but I was told that it was an old man hobby. Ikebana - that's flower arranging - which I did - is considered an older female thing. Origami (paper folding) - that's for kids. I asked them what they liked to do after work, and was told: drinking, smoking and lazing around while the wife gets you dinner so you can watch television in peace.
I did crossword puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, collected matches and postcards and ukiyo-e (woodblock prints), did bonsai (read HERE), ikebana (who cares what people think - you're a gaijin!), collected stamps and coins and girlfriends, did photography and girlfriends, killed many schools of tropical fish and goldfish, did sight-seeing, explored the town I lived in - in fact, I probably knew it better than most of the people born there... but that's not a criticism. Most visitors often know more about a place they visit than the natives, no what what country they are in.
PPPS: You'll notice that I did not place studying the Japanese language down as a hobby. Since I don't consider it a hobby, I didn't do much studying. However, I did like history and did partake of that hobby.
PPPPS: Photo above is a very small part of a Memory album given to me by Noiriko Ishihara, who used to teach at Nozaki Junior High, but moved to Chikasono Junior High School for the last six months of my stay. I had previously and incorrectly stated she moved to Kaneda Minami Junior High. Noriko's move to a new school - though a dear friend - opened up a spot at Nozaki for my girl Nobuko - read about her HERE. Anyhow - in the photo, you can tell I had a great time in the machine. Have fun!
