Step By Step

It's Saturday, July 13, 1991. Ohtawara City, Tochigi Prefecture, Japan.
I've had a pretty good week. I'll be going on vacation soon having earned some well-deserved time-off from my job with the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) as an assistant English teacher (AET) on the Japan Exchange & Teaching (JET) Programme.

I'm awake at 9AM, but lie in bed fantasizing about my ex-girlfriend Ashley (another AET) who lives one town over. We've been apart for about a month now, and while I can get over not having her as a girlfriend, I just don't care for rejection. At all. It's a personal affront to my mental health. Like... what the hell is wrong with me? Nothing! Of course it's ego. I'm not stupid.
I don't think of myself as God's gift to women - far from it. But, I do want people to like me. And being rejected... well, I suppose it makes me a little squirrelly (nuts, that is).
With Ashley, I am at least trying to have her be a friend with benefits. A non-girlfriend with whom I can have sex with. Whatever our personality differences ( I have a personality), we still enjoyed each others physical company.
I finish up at 9:30AM and wash up before heading out to the bank to get some money for Dan and the motorcycle I'm going to purchase tomorrow. Yes... you heard right.
I do a quick shop for food and then purchase a small 2,000 piece puzzle. Over Christmas, I put together a 5,000 piece puzzle of the Universe. It was black with a lot of white specks. I didn't sleep for two days while I went crazy trying to put it together. Then I realized I was crazy and went to sleep, got some sleep and then assembled it rather quickly.
At home, I tidy up. Put clean sheets on my bed and start doing the border of the puzzle (It's a puzzle of a Japanese ukiyo-e... of a kimono-clad woman).
Putting it away, I watch a few videos until the doorbell rings at 4PM.
It's Ashley, right on time for our dinner here at my place. Step 1 - Complete
She looks great. Still a bit over-weight after breaking up with me, but she's a sight for these sore eyes.
We watch McGyver, go out on our bicycles and rent a couple more movies and then cook a dinner of Tacos.
While I cook, Ashley sits in the kitchen on a chair with wheels. Every now and then I push her all around the apartment to much amusement.
I also notice when I'm standing close to her that she doesn't shy away when my leg touches her. Step 2 - Complete
We drink a lot of beer (Step 3 - Complete) and begin watching the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Despite it being a kid's movie, it's one of my favourites—but just know that it was written by Ian Fleming who also created James Bond. Ever wonder where the tricked out cars came from? Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Ashley's movie choice was Nightmare on Elm Street. How can you not like a woman who likes horror movies?   
To continue the plan of seduction, I offered a back rub. She readily accepted. Step 4 - Complete
After a few moments of a real massage, I kiss the back of her neck. She doesn't flinch. Step 5 - Complete
So... forgetting the massage aspect, I keep kissing and licking her neck. As soon as I notice her close her eyes, I knew I had her. Step 6 - Complete
I pulled her around and kissed her hard. She responded the same. It was like we had never stopped being together.
We roll around the living room and knock over some beer. She wants to stop and help me clean it up, but I'm in the process of removing my pants, so screw that. Yes, I know what I wrote.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is now on permanent pause, though the Bang Bang begins in earnest now.
Step 7 - 71 - Complete. Yes, we even completed Step 69. D'uh.
I do notice, that the first time she straddled me, she didn't ask about a condom... which I have always worn.
Hunh. I guess she's feeling like she can trust me. That's a lot of pressure on a guy who wants to pop his cork. As I enter her, that first time ever bare feeling... I think I had an orgasm without the ejaculation.
Not wanting to take a chance, I pop a condom on and get to work, finishing up about 5 hours later at 2AM.
Now that was intense.
We exit my bedroom and pretend like we are interested in watching the rest of the movie. That lasts five minutes before we start again.
Finished, and sucking back a bottle of Coca-Cola apiece, we go back to the movie. She jumps me like 10 seconds later. Whoa! Where the hell was this when we were dating?! We're at it again... but then I tell her I think I'm dry.
I guess I shouldn't have masturbated twice earlier today.
We are both exhausted and sweaty with each other's scent all over us. We spoon and fall asleep... just like old times.
No mention of love was made. It was just pure, impure, raw animal sex.
I even sleep in the wet spot.

Somewhere unable to find a dry spot,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog is by:  New Kids On The Block. Hey... the lyrics fit the blog. HAIRGEL
PS: Tomorrow, I buy a motorcycle and some different type of riding. I'm already chaffing at the bit, so to speak.

Rubber Ball

When it rains, it pours. And it does in Japan.

And despite Japan's insistence on being known as a decent society (which it is), there is also a hidden underground of sex - everybody does it, but no one talks about it. From prostitution, Love Hotels, trying to hook up with rhyming gaijins (foreigners), sex in anime (cartoons) and manga (comic books) sex is part of the way of life in Japan. Hell, they even have phallic symbols all over the place that they like to sight see or parade around in. Hmm... that will be a blog topic very soon.

In this case, our topic is about condoms - the recent theft of some 700,000 condoms (aka rubbers or add your own favourite term here). And I am here to add to my condom-nation of this event.

The condoms were stolen en route between Malaysia and Japan. The ship, while loaded with preventative measures (the condoms) failed to adequately protect itself even though the cargo was placed into a shipping container and locked while in northern Malaysia. Forced entry is suspected, as the container was empty when it arrived in Tokyo, though the locks had all been replaced by the cunning ballsy thieves.

The police are baffled as to why the locks were replaced, though your humble author suspects it was to prevent the customer from knowing it had been violated and thus provide a longer amount of time to pass for the crime of raping the ship of its precious cargo to be discovered. If one doesn't suspect there is anything wrong, then there is nothing wrong.

“We are unhappy over the incident. This is the first time such a thing has happened since our Malaysian production started in 1997,” said Sato Koji, manager of the Sagami Rubber Factory.

Sagami officials claim that the condoms are unlike others of their ilk as they are 14 per cent thinner than conventional ones (not necessarily larger, however), and on the Japanese market retail for $1.5 million or about $2.25 a toss. As I've always suspected, sex sells.

“There are locks, seals and checklists provided by freight forwarders and shipping lines for every part of the journey from factory to destination, so it is very easy to find out where and when they were tampered with or changed,” said Walter Cullas, president of the Air Freight Forwarders Association of Malaysia.

The Malaysian police are doing their best to uncover the condom culprits and are quite aware that goods shipped out of Malaysia often go missing. It is suspected, however that if they do find the culprits, rubber bullets will be used in the apprehension of the criminals.

Unfortunately, the police don't really have any suspects, but your It's A Wonderful Rife correspondent suggests they search Malaysian teenagers with extra wide grins on their faces. No gaijin are considered suspects - even to purchase in the underground market - as, in this case, one size will not indeed fit all.

There is no word yet as to how Japan will react to the condom shortage.

Somewhere, glad I don't fit the profile,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Bobby Vee - I used to like this one when I was a kid, and played my K-Tel record over and over again: BOUNCYBOUNCY.
PS: Click HERE to try the condom selector tool. Those are their words, not mine.

Welcome To The Machine

Originally entitled: How To Have A Wonderful Rife. First - happy birthday to my Emmy award winning little brother Ben!

Just in case you are looking for some advice for your first time in Japan, I've compiled some tips for newcomers. This isn't for 'visitors', it has been designed tongue in cheek for those of you who want to stay, work and live in the Land of the Rising Sun. Read on, and rotsa ruck!

1. Leave now. It's a mistake for you to be here. But if you must...
2. Remember to always remove your shoes before you enter a home. The same can be said for all schools, dentists, doctors, chiropractors and gynecologist offices. Do not worry - each will provide small, ugly slippers for you to wear while there.
3. Buy foot spray if the itching continues.
4. Also remember to remove the building slippers in favour of the bathroom slippers when you have to use the facilities. These always green slippers do not actually fit a gaijin's (foreigner's) feet, but neither do they seem to fit the average Japanese person's feet.
5. Never answer the telephone or doorbell in Japanese. Despite the level of simplicity you may have chosen, conversing with a native Nihonjin (Japanese person) convinces them that you are fluent, when the odds are extremely good that you are not. Jut trust me on this one.
6. Always remove tissues from your pocket before you wash your clothes. This one is self-evident, and isn't just for the gaijin in Japan. It's just good common sense. I have many black items of clothing speckled with so much white lint that I might as well be wearing white--just make sure you don't wear white after Labour Day.
7. Get drapes/curtains for that rabbit hutch you call a home. The sun rises at 4:30AM - at least it does in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken. The country does not follow daylight savings time.
8. If cigarette smoke bothers you, you might want to reconsider living here. The guys pretty much smoke with impunity, indoors and outdoors. You'll get no relief here.
9. Don't worry if you don't understand the other foreigners who have lived here longer than six months. They often use a lot of Japanese in their English conversations that is meant to amaze and confound you in one fell swoop. Don't be alarmed. At this point in time, you probably speak better English than they do.
10. Japan is an expensive country to live in. See HERE for information about rental housing. However, when it comes to purchasing something frivolous, let me tell you from personal experience - you only live once (maybe), so go out and purchase it. So enjoy, enjoy enjoy!
11. Again, Japan is expensive. If you want to eat every month, budgeting your meagre resources is a must. Remember, you only live once (maybe), so don't make it any more difficult than it already is. So be frugal, frugal, frugal.
12. Boredom is not only a state of mind in Japan, it's a national past time. There are many interesting hobbies you could start while in Japan. One of my personal favourites is collecting looks from the Japanese. Look up a good hobby in your "So Now You've Gone And Done It" Japanese guide book. Hobbies are located under "N" for "Non-Japanese. 
13. After using hot water, always remember to turn off your hot water heater located conveniently in an other part of your apartment or house. You have a house??!!
14. This one is important: always roll up your sleeping futon every single day after use, and air them out on the weekends when it's dry... which means you could be out of luck - because if it's not snowing or raining, the humidity will dampen the heck out of it. So, why do this to the futon? Again, speaking from personal experience, there's nothing worse than growing mushrooms and other fungi under the futon on your tatami (grass mat flooring), only to find that they are inedible.
15. For those of you living in cities not named Tokyo or possibly Osaka, when walking along the streets - be careful. In the smaller cities and towns, the sidewalks are thin slabs of concrete tile that sit atop the flowing sewer lines. Just so you know, the slabs of concrete are not always present. Getting a shoe soaker from a sewer is not very pleasant. 
16. You are in Japan. You have to try the cuisine with an open mind and make up your own opinion on whether or not it should be swallowed. All kidding aside. It's not half bad. It's only about 47% bad. Just kidding.  There was stuff there I'd never eat again unless I had to, but when you are socializing with the Japanese and food comes out, you MUST eat what they eat. It's how you will fit in.
17. Don't go to a Japanese dentist even if you like incompetence. they would probably find a way to mess up being incompetent, too. The fact that most Japanese have teeth that gleam with bands of gold and silver and can pick-up most shortwave radio bands is another good reason to avoid a dentist while here. You've been warned.
18.  According to Buddhist tradition, the Buddha is supposed to come back to Earth reincarnated in the form of a spider - so be careful not to kill any of the revolting creatures in front of the Japanese who might become offended at your barbaric insensitivity. I got around it by saying there was no way the Buddha would come back to the apartment balcony of an unbeliever. My bosses believed that. I said I would get rid of all the false prophets a my gift to the Japanese. My bosses liked that and bought me a can of bug spray.Feel free to use that.
19. It's hotter than Hell in August. But, come September and October, the typhoon season will wash away your heatstroke and a few neighbours to boot. The typhoon season is followed by the cold-dark season (when the sun vacations someplace fit for gaseous matter - like Ottawa, Canada). In April, it begins to get warm again, but it is still cloudy until June when the rainy season starts. This finishes in mid-July when it becomes unbearably hot and humid for exactly 47 days. And then it begins anew.
20. Men: If you are bored while riding the trains, count the number of leg hairs on the Japanese women. Women: Count the number of times you get goosed by a Japanese man.
21.  Men: If you have to wait for someone on a crowded street, count the number of Japanese women who have knock-knees and marvel at why their pantyhose hasn't either worn out from the constant friction, or caught fire. Women: Count the number of times you get goosed by a Japanese man.
22. Japanese condoms will not fit the average foreigner. If they do... bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Okay, that was classless even for me. Still, the initial fact is correct. See HERE.
23. It's still not to late for you to leave.

Somewhere with a wet smelly shoe,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is whined by Pink Floyd. You can listen to it HERE. In this case, the well-oiled machine is Japan.
PS: The facts contained here, are indeed facts. Take my comments with a grain of salt, after all, when in Japan, your mileage may vary. I stayed for three years and never had a dull moment, and always had a great time.
PPS: Re: #12 - I talked to a lot of people regarding hobbies while in Japan, as my hobby is hobbies. The Japanese claim not to have a lot of time for frivolous hobbies. I liked the concept of 'bonsai trees', which involves creating your own miniature tree... but I was told that it was an old man hobby. Ikebana - that's flower arranging - which I did - is considered an older female thing. Origami (paper folding) - that's for kids. I asked them what they liked to do after work, and was told: drinking, smoking and lazing around while the wife gets you dinner so you can watch television in peace.
I did crossword puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, collected matches and postcards and ukiyo-e (woodblock prints), did bonsai (read HERE), ikebana (who cares what people think - you're a gaijin!), collected stamps and coins and girlfriends, did photography and girlfriends, killed many schools of tropical fish and goldfish, did sight-seeing, explored the town I lived in - in fact, I probably knew it better than most of the people born there... but that's not a criticism. Most visitors often know more about a place they visit than the natives, no what what country they are in.
PPPS: You'll notice that I did not place studying the Japanese language down as a hobby.  Since I don't consider it a hobby, I didn't do much studying. However, I did like history and did partake of that hobby.
PPPPS: Photo above is a very small part of a Memory album given to me by Noiriko Ishihara, who used to teach at Nozaki Junior High, but moved to Chikasono Junior High School for the last six months of my stay. I had previously and incorrectly stated she moved to Kaneda Minami Junior High. Noriko's move to a new school  - though a dear friend - opened up a spot at Nozaki for my girl Nobuko - read about her HERE. Anyhow - in the photo, you can tell I had a great time in the machine. Have fun!

Looking For Love

Myth-demeanour or truth?

According to the person who told me this way back in my second year of teaching English in Japan's lush Ohtawara (the name translates into Big-Rice Field-Field), the following short story actually happened. The person who told me wasn't a tall-tale teller like some people, so I'm treating it as the truth... unless someone can show me that it's a rural legend. There's nothing urbane about this blog.

At a unnamed junior high school in an unnamed prefecture (province), an AET (assistant English teacher... IE, a gaijin/foreigner) was asked to patrol the school grounds to make sure the students are kept in line.

He (not a non-descriptive gender) apparently caught a young teen-aged boy and girl in THE act. If you know what I mean. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

When he told them to stop, the boy pointed to his crotch and said: "It sa okay... pro-tect-shun."

Needless to say, the AET walked away and the two amorous teenagers continued to dilly-dally.

After all, the boy said it in English.

Somewhere wondering why I never had to patrol the grounds,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is crooned by Johnny Lee. It's not rock and or roll, but is either country or western. You choose; Y'ALL. 

Communication Breakdown

Here are 10 things everyone should know about Japan:

1. Everyone under 18 has black hair - see class trip to Nikko at right.

2. If there is any space available, they put a rice field or a 7-11 or a pachinko parlour on it.

3. Japan is not infested with evil giant talking robots. Some of them are quite small small and make good students.

4. Japanese condoms will not fit the average Canadian. Thank goodness.

5. They save money by not cooking their food.

6. They think rotting soy beans should be eaten - see Natto.

7. Everyone knows the theme song for the kid's television show Ultraman-7. Why are they singing part of it in English?!

8. They like to smoke and drink and sing and party to the wee hours of the evening.

9. Almost everyone has a radar detector, but can't speed because of the constant gridlock in the big cities or the goat paths cum roads in the small towns.

10. They all speak better English after half a bottle of sake.

Somewhere singing about robotic superheroes,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Led Zeppelin: ROCK ON!

You've Made Me So Very Happy

An interlude from the daily diatribe.

Let's talk about sex baby, or rather protection from sex. Like the Who sang, "I'm t-t-t-talkin' 'bout my c-c-c-contraceptive". Sorry, my keyboard is sticky.

Not sure what the kiddies do nowadays, but I can only hope that when ready to get down and jungle boogie with a significant or non-significant other, that proper precautions are still taken. For you, oh gentile reader, here's something I pulled out for you - HERE. While I'm sure that was amusing for those of you who are still reading, today's topic is about condoms. What the heck did you think that was in the photo to the left? Blown glass? ... No... some jokes are too easy. See below.

As mentioned, prior to arriving in Japan, I had never been with a woman in that, you know, way. And I'd never had sex with a woman before, either, though I did have a lot of practice. Those of you who are able to, may ask me to flex my right forearm - it is incredibly muscular, probably from all those years of playing the accordian. Geez, I seem to have a lack of blood flowing to my brain while I write this with one hand. I hurt the other one playing pool. Chalk up another bizarre accident for Andrew.

Anyhow, in the hopes of finally scoring in Japan, I brought with me three boxes of condoms figuring it would last me the one year I was then planning on staying. However, after finding a girlfriend - Ashley - sleeping with another Japanese girl in Osaka while Ashley and I had broken up for a week (ahhh, you didn't hear that story yet), and a lack of proper coordination in applying said condom to the anatomy resulting in a few unusable prophylactics, the box was becoming empty, so to speak.

Thank goodness dear old mom sent me five more boxes, probably silently praying it would keep her from becoming a grandmother anytime soon. I know... my mom sent me condoms. Although since passed on, my mom, Lynda Hyacinth Joseph was very cool. I'm unsure I could ever do wrong in her eyes, though she'd probably be rolling them at some of the lame-o jokes in this here blog.

So, why would I have to have condoms sent over from Toronto to help sate my urges? Actually, the condoms did nothing to sate my urges... but was merely a means to an end. Huh? Come again? Probably. Y'see, there's a size difference between Japanese men and North American men, even though this Canadian was born in England and is of India-n heritage. That's the dot, not the feather. I'm Canadian now and reaping all the glory that comes with it.

I once read in a Penthouse magazine that the average U.S. man is endowed with between five to seven inches, while the average Canadian had between six and eight inches. Let's just say I'm proud to be an average Canadian. My wife isn't readying this, is she? Didn't think so. Anyhow, the proof, as they say, is in the pudding. Check out the photo above of the two condoms I blew up in three breaths apiece and tied up and placed onto my green velour winter jacket. I didn't realize that there was some spermacide on the damn things, and added an oily stain to the coat, which I hid in this photo. As for the size difference in the balloons, well the difference in condom size may not seem like that great a difference to you, but it was to me. Let me explain by going back in time two weeks before that special delivery from my mom.

Realizing that I was running out of rubbers, I thought maybe I could buy some from a local pharmacy, though someone told me--might have been Matthew, might not have been Matthew--that Japanese contraceptives were smaller than our Western ones. I didn't care about that... I just figured a pharmacy would have condoms - Western ones, too.

Mr. Maniwa, who owned a popular pharmacy in downtown Ohtawara was whom I visited to purchase said contraceptives. Maniwa-san was a member of the Ohtawara International Friendship Association. He was also a bit of a tippler, a leech who once squeezed Ashley's bum and tried to grab her breast, but was still very kind and generous to a fault to Matthew and myself. He was also a very funny man with a wacky Three Stooges sense of humour - minus the monkey wrench of course.

So... I went up to him and asked him in English if he had any Western-sized condoms. Maniwa-san understood English quite well, and spoke it like he was drunk (which was a possibility). He told me that he didn't have any "Western" condoms, but suggested I try a Japanese condom "ribbed for her pleasure". I figured I could invert it so that it would be ribbed for my pleasure. Why should Ashley or whomever have all the fun? Just kidding, they were plain condoms - i just wanted to do the joke. So I bought a box of 10 Japanese condoms, took them home and waited until Ashley came over. That was three days later, but it did afford me time to practice.

So... raging with lust and armed with a Japanese condom and standing in the kitchen of my apartment, I attempted to place the condom onto myself. No bragging here (at this time), but it was a very tight fit... so much so that I could only unroll it past the head before a twitch sent it flying directly at Ashley's face hitting her smack in the nose. I'm talking about the condom hitting her, okay? Well worth the 3,500 yen (US$35) for the five minute laugh it afforded Ashley and myself, but we were now left unprotected. Thus ended the ball game. Sort of. This isn't porn people. I'm trying to turn a phrase.

So... this is the third paragraph in a row I've begun like this... it's why I called my mom and asked for some help. I also went back to Maniwa-san and told him that the condoms he had sold me were too small, and related the story back to him. Sorry Ashley, I told the lecherous old man about you getting a shot in the nose. Ooops... I did it again. Anyhow, he didn't believe the size of my tale, but still offered me a full refund. I told him to forget it - we're friends - just don't tell anyone about the condom shot heard round the world.

Friendship aside, he didn't believe me. It's why after the package from my mother arrived, I took the photos. See below for the close-up. I'm unsure what that orange junk is on the junk protector - but my Japanese photos did go thru a fire a couple of years ago (real time). Could it be hair dye?

Two more stories... when I went to Iseya to pick up my film, the cute early 20's slender girl with red dye in her hair to indicate she was rebellious and who works there did one of those whistles where you put a couple of fingers in your mouth. Anyhow, that whistle brought five other pretty young 20-something slender girls with red dye in their hair to indicate they are rebellious running over to the photo counter as I arrived simultaneously. The six of them smiled at me in unison (which was a very sexy trick), while the one actual photo counter girl found my envelope of photos. Now, as per Japanese custom, they open up the photos and pull out a photo for you so that you can ensure that it is indeed your set of photographs.

Not missing a beat, she rifled through the deck of 36 photos and pulled out the photo of the two condoms and then looked up at me. I smiled, said 'hai' (yes), she handed the photos to me and said "big-gu, big-gu" and then they all giggled behind hand-covered mouths. I should have taken names and numbers, but I had a feeling they knew where I lived.

In a similar vein, I've had Japanese junior high school boys point to their crotch (wearing pants, okay) and say in English: "smal-lu, smal-lu" then point to me and mine and ask: "An-do-ryu big-gu?" I nod in the affirmative and friendly backslapping ensues, as I now have become cool enough to answer such a stupid question. Hell, I'm a guy... of course I answered their question. We're all egomaniacs who believe that six inches looks a helluva lot like nine inches.

Somewhere, a Sheik(h) and a Trojan walk into a bar...
Andrew Joseph
I wonder what happened to that coat? Oh yeah... the stain.
Today's title brought to you by Blood, Sweat and Tears... which sounds alot like how I lost my virginity. Just kidding.