Japanese Banks A Joke

Protesters (?) outside Ashikaga Bank's Ohtawara branch.

With hard times ahead for most of the world economies, it should come as no surprise that Japan's many banks have been hit almost as hard as the U.S. banks. 



Here's a short run-down on what is going on with Japan's banks: 

• The Origami Bank of Japan folded on August 3, 2011;


• Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife has heard that the Bank of Sumo has gone belly up, too, on August 4, 2011; 


• The Nippon Bank of Bonsai has faced some hard times and has been forced to cut some of its branches in July of 2011; 


• The Gaijin Karaoke Bank is up for sale and reportedly going for a song; 


• Staff at the Karate Bank of Tochigi got chopped last week; 


• Analysts are reporting something fishy at the Ichiban Sushi Bank, where workers are going on strike over the raw deal of no new raises. 

Personally, I think Japan's citizens need to get their money out of the US dollars and out of the Japanese banks, and instead invest it all into the my favourite bank, The Bailey Building & Loan. 

Cheers

Andrew Joseph

PS: The Bailey Building & Loan is the bank mentioned in my favourite movie: It's A Wonderful Life, which liked this blog so much that they almost used the same title. Or something like that.

Car Crashes into Tochigi Police Station

On April 27, 2011, a man drove his car into a police station in Oyama-shi (Oyama City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture) - but died hours later during questioning.

Okunuki Takafumi (surname first), 32, was shirtless and screaming as he drove his car (probably white) through the g;ass front door of the police station at 1:25PM. While the automatic front doors at the station's entrance were badly damaged, police said only a 77-year-old man was hurt with a cut finger from falling glass. 

Tochigi Police quickly arrested Okunuki at the scene,  and were questioning him when he collapsed into consciousness. Okunuki was taken to hospital and pronounced dead at 5:35PM.

While an autopsy will be performed to determine the exact cause of death, Tochigi police are adamant that there were no irregularities or problems during their questioning of Okukini and that at no time was he ever put at risk.

Andrew Joseph
(Blog Note: Now... I'm not an expert, but I do I play one in this blog, but I'm guessing that if some shirtless guy is screaming ('Banzai' or 'Tora-tora-tora' perhaps?) and drives into a police station in the middle of the day... I'm guessing there is something wrong.
Even if we were to discount any possible mental anguish suffered by Okunuki caused by some chemical imbalance, grief, drug or alcohol, the guy did drive through a building. Perhaps he hit his head on the steering wheel. It's possible he had a hidden injury... he should still have been taken to a hospital as a precaution.
Now... another factor to consider... if I'm a police officer and someone may have shown disdain for my job and my building - I'm going to be quite angry. Is it possible that someone bounced his head off a table once or twice? Could he have been given any stomach punches with the old-telephone book in the way to avoid bruising. Could the police have roughed him up despite saying they didn't do anything?  Sure. We're not naive enough to think that's not a possibility.
Isn't Japan the 'polite' country? Yes. But this was an assault on a police station. No police officer anywhere likes being attacked - if that's what it was. Perhaps in whatever state the victim was, it caused him to lose control and plow into a police station by accident.
It's possible he lost control while trying to remove his shirt. He could have been screaming as he plowed into the building. Who hasn't done that?
Does anyone think there will be any follow-up data on this one? Nope. Unless we find out Okunuki's anguish is caused by something to do with the tsunami, earthquake or the radiation fallout.
PS: Banzai = Japanese war cry meaning: 10,000 years. Bonsai  = tree dwarfing through bondage.
 You can read about my exploits with tree bondage HERE.
PPS: Tora-tora-tora = attack-attack-attack! It actually means 'tiger' a code name for the torpedo attack on Pearl Harbor.

Trees

It's Tuesday, June 23, 1991.
This is going to be a great day.
I'm teaching at Wakakusa Chu Gakko (Wakakusa Junior High School) this week. I'm an assistant English teacher (AET) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme living in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan.
Yesterday I volunteered to purchase a bunch of goldfish for an aquarium that was being set up for a class of special education kids. It's my way of making the kids feel good about their local gaijin (foreigner - me!), and I suppose it's a way to make myself look good in the eyes of the local Japanese. It's not that I need to make myself look good - the folks here already think I'm a nice guy - and I am... but perhaps it's more to make myself feel good about myself.
I've not been all that happy lately. I've been quite lecherous. Aside from hitting on anything in a skirt, I broke up with my girlfriend Ashley Benning of Augusta, Georgia a couple of weeks ago. To get over that, I flirted with a Japanese university student who was at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School) last week who was there on a week-long internship. It was an amazing week of sexual depravity that ended with the beautiful Junko (pronounced Junn-co) falling hard for me. So much so that she stalked me - following me first to Tochigi's capital city of Utsunomiya, and then down to Tokyo Disneyland. While she was all up for dropping out of school and having my children (really), I couldn't let her do that after only knowing her for less than a week. It ended badly down in the Fantasyland section of Disneyland.
I was down there with my flaky ex-girlfriend Ashley and a couple of other AETs - and I suppose Junko was jealous. She had every right to be jealous, because my plan was to get Ashley back to have sex with - not to have her be my girlfriend. I guess I wanted to have my flake and to eat it too.
Add in a fair amount of drinking that had been going on for a few months topped with a lack of sleep, and I wasn't exactly the person I used to be when I first arrived in this country. Besides... while all of this was going on, I think I still had a major crush on Kristine South... a beautiful American woman of Japanese descent who lived 500 kilometres away from me. I was actually too afraid to tell her I liked her, as after nearly one year here, all of the women I have slept with or been out with have asked me out. I suppose I can wait until Kristine asks me out for a visit. It's only a matter of time, right?
All I could think of was myself. But... I was too full of myself to see that. Hindsight of 20 years is far clearer, however.

Early in the morning, I catch all of the goldfish I had in my own aquarium and place them in a container to take with me to Wakakusa. I take them to school, and after saying ohaiyo gozaimasu (good morning) to the principal and vice-principal (and showing them my present to the kids), I march over to the special education room to present them with my great gift.
The kid's teacher takes the bag of fish and dumps them into the aquarium.
There's no fanfare. No thank-you's. No gathering of the kids to stare at the fish. Nothing. I'm so completely surprised that all I can do is smile, bow and take my leave back to the teacher's office.
I have to teach four classes of English today. Each class is long and I'm exhausted by the end of the day. Oh well... at least I have my dinner date with Ashley to look forward to tonight.
I arrive back home at 5PM, with Ashley arriving at my door an hour later. She looks pretty nice to these horny eyes.
We head out to a local restaurant called Tsubahachi - at least that's what I think it's called. I can't read my writing in my diary!
We eat, but talk very little. There's no drinking either except for the complimentary water. I pay for dinner. We come back to my apartment. Watch an episode of Designing Woman I have on tape. And then she leaves.
There was no small talk at my place. No hug or a kiss good night. No thank-you for dinner. Nothing. She rode home back to Nishinasuno-machi (Nishinasuno Town) where she lives about 25 minutes away to the northwest.
When we were dating I always rode back with her to her place to make sure she was safe, but tonight she wanted no such help from me.
What a piece of crap day. I'm also out of booze at my place. So I go downstairs to the local liquor store located directly below my third-floor apartment and pick up a large bottle of sake (Japanese rice wine).
While watching more videos of Western television sent to me from back in Toronto, I finish the bottle. I clean up my apartment but am so drunk I think I make more of a mess. Naturally, now that I'm drunk, I figure it's time I gave my bonsai - a Japanese Maple tree - a trim. I accidentally cut off a limb that may have been growing for 70 years.
The phone rings at 10PM, but when I answer it, there's no one there.
I'm in bed by 12 midnight wondering why everything sucked today.

Somewhere a tree is falling in a forest,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Canada's Rush!: OPPRESSION. I think the lyrics fit.

PS: Your author seems to be having a pity party and no one showed up except himself.
PPS: Yes, that's my photo of a raindrop hitting a barrel of water containing some downed Japanese red maple leaves in it. It seems to fit the mood of today's blog.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

It's was around this time in 1990 when I felt pretty darn low.

This was my first Christmas away from my Canadian family and friends, as I was now living in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan

Because of major blow-ups with Ashley (my on-again, off-again girlfriend for the first two years of Japan rife), whatever plans we had made to go traveling together to Thailand were in pieces.

To further complicate matters, after she broke... I mean, after I broke up with her, she made arrangements to go to Thailand with three other female AETs. I had tried to do the same, but those girls didn't want me around. Just kidding. Hmmm... probably not kidding. 

Instead of Thailand, I tried to make arrangements to fly out of Japan with Tim Mould - a late arrival in Japan and thus also late in planning a vacation - I wanted to go anywhere. I was desperate. Anywhere but here!

I tried and I tried to get a flight out but they wouldn't let me change my travel locale of Thailand... to be honest, the last thing I wanted to do was to be in Thailand the same time as Ashley - even if we were back together this week. uhhh... hang on... nope... we just broke up again.

Just before Ashley was to leave, we got back together again. Feeling stupid with a lack of blood flow to my brain, I gave her my Donald Duck watch to wear. It was a treasured keepsake that I had bought several months previous in Canada - and is treasured because I love Donald Duck - did you know he doesn't wear any pants? Also... he can't fly... but Daffy Duck can. Just like in real life - white ducks can't fly... eerie, huh?

I used to wear two watches at a time - one on the left arm (the watch I still have on in 2010), and one on the right (Donald). It was a style of fashion in those days - at least it was one I was trying to start. For the records, I also used to roll up one leg of a pair of shorts and keep the other one long. Sadly, the rest of the world wasn't interested in following my lead, but it did make me stand out.

"Hey! There's that idiot Andrew wearing the lopsided shorts and two watches!"

"Yes, but at least he has the legs to pull it off!"

It's true. I still have the legs to pull off wearing two watches.

Anyhow... back to the story. I was sad. Sad for myself that Ashley was going away without me and I wasn't going to get laid for awhile. Sad because I wasn't going away on vacation. Sad because I was away from my Canadian contingent. And sad because I had to stay in boring old Japan.

It's sounds stupid, but that was what I was thinking. I'm thousands of kilometres from Toronto and living in Japan (It's actually 8500 kilometres and about 6500 miles). I'm a stranger in a strange land having the time of my life. I even got laid by three different women in the five months I've been here... those are pretty damn fine numbers considering the previous 25 years had nada!

Realizing how lucky I was, I got off my ass and marched outside and walked the 100 meters or so into the downtown core of Ohtawara-shi. It was starting to snow. And though it was cool, it wasn't Arctic cold. I was home and I might as well act like it. I caught snowflakes on my tongue and got rosy red cheeks. It's Christmas time and home is where the heart is.

I went out and bought a small live coniferous tree from the local Iseya department/grocery store. I brought it back home and decorated it with all sorts of knick-knacks that I had already picked up. That's what the photo is of up above! And by gum, I had a great Christmas. 

Of course the alcohol helped a bit too. Kalula and Rum & Coke and egg nog with... to be honest I ran out of booze when it was egg nog time, but it was still pretty tasty even though it upset the heck outta my weak stomach. I think it's the nut meg. Ugh.

And Matthew. That bugger didn't go anywhere, either. In fact - despite him being my best friend in Japan, he and I never really traveled together outside the city. At least not very far. I think he was busy trying to pick up women. Since he eventually married local babe Takako, it seems like he stuck to his plan until she stopped trying to run away and gave in to his charm.

I spent Christmas in Japan - and after talking to a lot of the other AETs in other towns, it seems like most of them had traveled outside the country and only returned after the new year. Matthew and I - we were in Japan, and we got the whole Japanese experience over most other gaijin who wanted to see other countries. We had a damn fine time on our own and together.

There's nothing wrong with traveling, but when in Japan, you should at least take part in the social customs and holidays. Thanks to a shockingly bad break-up with Ashley for a couple of weeks, I was able to do just that.

Somewhere enjoying Christmas in Japan,

Andrew Joseph

Today's title is performed by Bruce Springsteen: CLARENCE

Thanks Matthew! And Merry Christmas to all! Happy Hannukah! Have a Kwazy Kwanza! And... if I've left anyone out - have a Happy Holiday season!

PS: I'll be back tomorrow!

PPS: And why did he mention that stupid watch?

PPPS: And why does he keep mixing up its grammar?
PPPPS: And where did Matthew and Andrew hang out when they weren't drinking and trying to pick up women?
PPPPPS: I've dug up some whimsical writing of Matthew's that I am going to reprint tomorrow - it's witty and funny and emphasizes the Japanese view on Christmas. I know! I can't wait.

Cover Of The Rolling Stone

This story is nothing to sneeze at.

In March of 1991, I had to spend the first four days of my week teaching at Wakakusa Chu Gakko (Wakausa Junior High School) in the small city of Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken in Japan.

I was feeling fine. The weather was warn and sunny. Wakakusa is a very nice school with friendly smart students and equally cool teachers. Tomura-sensei (Mr. Tomura, teacher) was the head English teacher (eigo-no sensei) there, and always came to my apartment at Zuiko Haitsu to pick me up and drive me to school.

Arriving at the school, I went in to the teacher's lounge on the second floor of this modern, and clean institution and made my greetings to the principal and vice-principal, and all of the other teachers there. Almost before I could sit down at my desk, one of the female teachers would always have a piping hot cup of o-cha (green tea) to hand to me, while bowing graciously.

It's always a great time. The weather outside is so nice that all of the windows on the far side of the lounge are wide open letting in the fresh air. It's a nice change of pace considering how cold it had been just a few weeks previous.

Sitting at my desk and examining my teaching schedule, my nose began to get runny. Then my body began to get achy. I felt tired. I had chills. I had a fever.

I was sick, but had never been hit so hard or so hard in my life.

Tomura-sensei was alarmed and quickly drove me back home. I had only been in school for five minutes.

I got into my apartment  - with help from Tomura-sensei - said good-bye and that I'm sure I would be fine tomorrow... and here's the funny thing... within minutes after he left, I was fine.

World's greatest actor? Perhaps. But I wasn't acting. I was genuinely feeling ill. And now I was genuinely feeling better.

Not wanting to be fooled, I took some ibuprofen (Aspirin), drank a bottle of orange juice and went to sleep for a few hours.

I awoke having to pee, but otherwise still feeling great. No runny nose or body ache - nothing. I watched some television, did some laundry and vacuumed the apartment.

The next morning, I'm still feeling fine - but again upon arriving at the teacher's lounge - 2nd floor - at Wakakusa, I began to feel ill again.

Someone - and I'm unsure who - thought it might be an allergy. They asked me if I had any allergies. I told them I had none that I knew off - but that was in Canada. Through frantic translations with Tomura-sensei, it was indeed determined that I was allergic to something at Wakakusa.

That's when it was pointed out that the Japanese Black Spruce tree was in full bloom at this very moment - and with the windows wide open on the second floor, and the trees being at that height and taller - I was getting a real good dose of pollen. Apparently I wasn't the only one suffering, but I was suffering the best, or worst, depending on your own view of these things.

While Monday was indeed the heaviest day of pollen at Wakakusa, it was still heavy enough for me to go home again on Tuesday. As a precaution, Wakakusa had a gaijin-free week until the tree stopped dropping pollen. In fact, the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) over the next three years refused to allow me to teach at Wakakusa during heavy pollen times. Other schools were fine, because none of the others had Japanese Black Spruce all over the yard.

Somewhere my nose is running and my feet smell,

Andrew Joseph
Today's blog was written and performed by: Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show - TAKEALLKINDOFPILLS


PS: Back in Canada, I later found out I was allergic to cats, goldenrod, and molds. I wasn't tested for Japanese Black Spruce, but it's safe to say I can add that to the list.

Welcome To The Machine

Originally entitled: How To Have A Wonderful Rife. First - happy birthday to my Emmy award winning little brother Ben!

Just in case you are looking for some advice for your first time in Japan, I've compiled some tips for newcomers. This isn't for 'visitors', it has been designed tongue in cheek for those of you who want to stay, work and live in the Land of the Rising Sun. Read on, and rotsa ruck!

1. Leave now. It's a mistake for you to be here. But if you must...
2. Remember to always remove your shoes before you enter a home. The same can be said for all schools, dentists, doctors, chiropractors and gynecologist offices. Do not worry - each will provide small, ugly slippers for you to wear while there.
3. Buy foot spray if the itching continues.
4. Also remember to remove the building slippers in favour of the bathroom slippers when you have to use the facilities. These always green slippers do not actually fit a gaijin's (foreigner's) feet, but neither do they seem to fit the average Japanese person's feet.
5. Never answer the telephone or doorbell in Japanese. Despite the level of simplicity you may have chosen, conversing with a native Nihonjin (Japanese person) convinces them that you are fluent, when the odds are extremely good that you are not. Jut trust me on this one.
6. Always remove tissues from your pocket before you wash your clothes. This one is self-evident, and isn't just for the gaijin in Japan. It's just good common sense. I have many black items of clothing speckled with so much white lint that I might as well be wearing white--just make sure you don't wear white after Labour Day.
7. Get drapes/curtains for that rabbit hutch you call a home. The sun rises at 4:30AM - at least it does in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken. The country does not follow daylight savings time.
8. If cigarette smoke bothers you, you might want to reconsider living here. The guys pretty much smoke with impunity, indoors and outdoors. You'll get no relief here.
9. Don't worry if you don't understand the other foreigners who have lived here longer than six months. They often use a lot of Japanese in their English conversations that is meant to amaze and confound you in one fell swoop. Don't be alarmed. At this point in time, you probably speak better English than they do.
10. Japan is an expensive country to live in. See HERE for information about rental housing. However, when it comes to purchasing something frivolous, let me tell you from personal experience - you only live once (maybe), so go out and purchase it. So enjoy, enjoy enjoy!
11. Again, Japan is expensive. If you want to eat every month, budgeting your meagre resources is a must. Remember, you only live once (maybe), so don't make it any more difficult than it already is. So be frugal, frugal, frugal.
12. Boredom is not only a state of mind in Japan, it's a national past time. There are many interesting hobbies you could start while in Japan. One of my personal favourites is collecting looks from the Japanese. Look up a good hobby in your "So Now You've Gone And Done It" Japanese guide book. Hobbies are located under "N" for "Non-Japanese. 
13. After using hot water, always remember to turn off your hot water heater located conveniently in an other part of your apartment or house. You have a house??!!
14. This one is important: always roll up your sleeping futon every single day after use, and air them out on the weekends when it's dry... which means you could be out of luck - because if it's not snowing or raining, the humidity will dampen the heck out of it. So, why do this to the futon? Again, speaking from personal experience, there's nothing worse than growing mushrooms and other fungi under the futon on your tatami (grass mat flooring), only to find that they are inedible.
15. For those of you living in cities not named Tokyo or possibly Osaka, when walking along the streets - be careful. In the smaller cities and towns, the sidewalks are thin slabs of concrete tile that sit atop the flowing sewer lines. Just so you know, the slabs of concrete are not always present. Getting a shoe soaker from a sewer is not very pleasant. 
16. You are in Japan. You have to try the cuisine with an open mind and make up your own opinion on whether or not it should be swallowed. All kidding aside. It's not half bad. It's only about 47% bad. Just kidding.  There was stuff there I'd never eat again unless I had to, but when you are socializing with the Japanese and food comes out, you MUST eat what they eat. It's how you will fit in.
17. Don't go to a Japanese dentist even if you like incompetence. they would probably find a way to mess up being incompetent, too. The fact that most Japanese have teeth that gleam with bands of gold and silver and can pick-up most shortwave radio bands is another good reason to avoid a dentist while here. You've been warned.
18.  According to Buddhist tradition, the Buddha is supposed to come back to Earth reincarnated in the form of a spider - so be careful not to kill any of the revolting creatures in front of the Japanese who might become offended at your barbaric insensitivity. I got around it by saying there was no way the Buddha would come back to the apartment balcony of an unbeliever. My bosses believed that. I said I would get rid of all the false prophets a my gift to the Japanese. My bosses liked that and bought me a can of bug spray.Feel free to use that.
19. It's hotter than Hell in August. But, come September and October, the typhoon season will wash away your heatstroke and a few neighbours to boot. The typhoon season is followed by the cold-dark season (when the sun vacations someplace fit for gaseous matter - like Ottawa, Canada). In April, it begins to get warm again, but it is still cloudy until June when the rainy season starts. This finishes in mid-July when it becomes unbearably hot and humid for exactly 47 days. And then it begins anew.
20. Men: If you are bored while riding the trains, count the number of leg hairs on the Japanese women. Women: Count the number of times you get goosed by a Japanese man.
21.  Men: If you have to wait for someone on a crowded street, count the number of Japanese women who have knock-knees and marvel at why their pantyhose hasn't either worn out from the constant friction, or caught fire. Women: Count the number of times you get goosed by a Japanese man.
22. Japanese condoms will not fit the average foreigner. If they do... bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Okay, that was classless even for me. Still, the initial fact is correct. See HERE.
23. It's still not to late for you to leave.

Somewhere with a wet smelly shoe,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is whined by Pink Floyd. You can listen to it HERE. In this case, the well-oiled machine is Japan.
PS: The facts contained here, are indeed facts. Take my comments with a grain of salt, after all, when in Japan, your mileage may vary. I stayed for three years and never had a dull moment, and always had a great time.
PPS: Re: #12 - I talked to a lot of people regarding hobbies while in Japan, as my hobby is hobbies. The Japanese claim not to have a lot of time for frivolous hobbies. I liked the concept of 'bonsai trees', which involves creating your own miniature tree... but I was told that it was an old man hobby. Ikebana - that's flower arranging - which I did - is considered an older female thing. Origami (paper folding) - that's for kids. I asked them what they liked to do after work, and was told: drinking, smoking and lazing around while the wife gets you dinner so you can watch television in peace.
I did crossword puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, collected matches and postcards and ukiyo-e (woodblock prints), did bonsai (read HERE), ikebana (who cares what people think - you're a gaijin!), collected stamps and coins and girlfriends, did photography and girlfriends, killed many schools of tropical fish and goldfish, did sight-seeing, explored the town I lived in - in fact, I probably knew it better than most of the people born there... but that's not a criticism. Most visitors often know more about a place they visit than the natives, no what what country they are in.
PPPS: You'll notice that I did not place studying the Japanese language down as a hobby.  Since I don't consider it a hobby, I didn't do much studying. However, I did like history and did partake of that hobby.
PPPPS: Photo above is a very small part of a Memory album given to me by Noiriko Ishihara, who used to teach at Nozaki Junior High, but moved to Chikasono Junior High School for the last six months of my stay. I had previously and incorrectly stated she moved to Kaneda Minami Junior High. Noriko's move to a new school  - though a dear friend - opened up a spot at Nozaki for my girl Nobuko - read about her HERE. Anyhow - in the photo, you can tell I had a great time in the machine. Have fun!

The Trees

In an effort to appear worldly, I have tried to learn as much about Japan as is humanly possible without actually learning the language. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I like to know stuff. I mean, heck - anyone (except me) can learn a language, but how many people know its history (except for the plethora of historians)?

Regardless of my reasons, while here I have picked up interesting facts on: history; sports; mythology; religion; what passes for food; why there is no central heating; bad driving; hospitals; money; art; and katana (Japanese sword). In fact, I like to state that hobbies are my hobby.

So, it was only a matter of time before the next hobby to entertain my fancy would be the prototypical Japanese one--the zen-like art of bonsai trees.

Calming, relaxing, beautiful and hysterical - sorry, historical. Viewing a bonsai tree is like contemplating one's own navel lint - you wonder how it all began. At least that's how I think.

Despite the serenity involved in bonsai-making, it is still an arduous task to create one's own masterpiece. Previous to by sojourn here in Ohtawara, I purchased a bonsai tree for my mother. Her perpetual green thumb soon turned black as the tree withered and died within the week.

Despite my initial experience with the hobby (I watched that tree die), I decided to try again for the first time. At least this time, my dogs wouldn't be around to over-water it.

The OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education), after hearing me casually mention my mom's dead bonsai tree, was thrilled that I was interested in learning about a major Japanese hobby. I am? Okay. They spared no expense to give me the full experience.

They made one of the guys in the office (I don't know his name, but he has a big pile of papers on his desk) drive me to a private farm. I got out of our white car and was face-to-face with literally 100s of bonsai trees strategically placed all over the yard.

In broken English (hey, after nine months here, I've begun to pick-up the nuances of the Broken English language used by most Japanese, which has helped me well, not die), I was introduced to the Ohtawara Bonsai master, who bowed deeply to me and then spat at a cricket near my shoe. I didn't flinch, and bowed deeply in return.

That's all it took. I was now a student.

My new Bonsai Master explained that any plant could conceivably be turned into a bonsai tree. I was stunned. Not only did I just find out that a bonsai tree was not a breed of tree but a type -- but that the Master could speak perfect English!

In anticipation of this meeting, I had brought along with me a supposed 25-year-old Japanese Black Pine (more on this tree in a blog to come!) that I had purchased from a local flower shop for ¥ 8,000 (CDN $92.81). The Master took the beautiful potted tree from hands, shook his head, clucked his tongue and spat on the ground--again missing my foot, but landing on a large rhino beetle. He went to work.

Twenty minutes later, he had finished digging the old dirt away from around the tree's roots, and held it gingerly in his hands. He pulled out a coil of copper wire, and began shaping the tree into an a esthethically
pleasing shape. I can only assume it was a esthethically pleasing to the pine.

Still, this was better than I thought - tree bondage!

The Master showed me how to create an ideal bonsai form; prune the tree and even how to water it. When he finished beautifying it, he held it out to me and said it would cost ¥24 ,000 (CDN $34.84).

I stared at him and stammered: "But I'm with the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme!" He added that it would cost about ¥100,000 (CDN $1,161.67) in Canada.

Turning my back to him, I plucked a hair from my nose. Turning back to face the Master, a tear fell from my right eye. After he picked himself off the ground following his laughing fit, he grinned and promised that if I visited him again, it was free. Although not agreeing with the principal of blackmail, I wholeheartedly accepted.

As I left the Master' school/farm he popped into my arms a new porcelain base for my bonsai tree - AND - in the true spirit of internationalization, a Japanese Red Maple Leaf bonsai tree!

Y'know, the people here in Japan are disgustingly kind and generous. Truly, this is a wonderful rife. Uh, I mean 'rife'. No, I was right before, I think.

Somewhere going to pot,
Andrew Joseph
PS: Today's title is by Toronto's own RUSH - whom I love. I brought along all my RUSH CDs to Japan - one of the Japanese teacher's I lent them to said he loved the music, but (to put it kindly), he wasn't sold on the vocals - sorry Geddy! Don't worry, according to Hit Parader, Geddy is ranked 13th on their list of top 100 greatest heavy metal vocalists of all time. Click HERE to sit in the shade of The Trees.
PPS: I'm ticked off - I seem to have lost all of my photos of me with the Bonsai Master in the house fire a few years ago. The flowering bonsai tree in the photo above is from a flower festival I visited back in 1991.

Fight For Your Right (To Party)

Monday, November 5, 1990

I’m up at 7:15AM. It’s an office day at the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) offices. I’ve been here for three months and I’ve got a routine going. I don’t have to do any real work at the OBOE, so I prepare all of my writing for the Tatami Times—the monthly newsletter for the Tochigi-ken AETs (Assisitant English Teachers). Hey, where do you think I first got the idea for a It’s A Wonderful Rife column. It was reasonably popular and I know I had it published in three OTHER prefectures (provinces) besides Tochigi-ken—plus in another English-language magazine in Tochigi-ken’s capital city of Utsonomiya. But that’s later.
Back to the now that is then.
At 5PM, I leave work. Did you know that in Japan the average Japanese worker NEVER leaves his place of work until his boss does? To do so shows a lack of commitment and means a loss of face—two no-no’s in Japanese society.
Me, not being Japanese, I leave at 4PM (an hour early), though I usually wait until 5PM or when Hanazaki-san says it’s okay for me to leave. I am in their country… I don’t want to spit on social customs too much.
Leaving the OBOE, I post my Tatami Times stuff to current editor Gasoline (Catherine Komlodi), and then head over to the bank and its ATM machine. Walking past, I notice Mayor Sembo waving at me and I reciprocate. No hangover for us!
At home, there’s a letter for me from Ashley’s sister, Kerry. How special. She sounds like a nice girl. She’s asked me to write back. Do I? How did she get my address?
Am I supposed to go to an enkai (party) tonight. Is Ashley coming over top my place? In my mind, it's "No", to both. I’m going shopping.
I’m home at 5:15PM. Kanemaru-san phones. He wants me at the OBOE enkai. Where is it? Kanemaru-san isn’t able to articulate it in English, so he says good-bye. Five minutes later, Matthew phones to say hi. Five minutes after that, my Nozaki Chu Gakko (Nozaki Jujnior High School) pain calls, drops the phone and accidentally hangs-up. Five minutes later, Hanazaki-san calls and says he’ll be over shortly to take me to the enkai. Five minutes later he’s at my apartment – and we walk over to a small restaurant where we have a large room all to our office-selves.
I’m exhausted. I tell him on the walk over (For the sake of comedy, it’s a five minute walk) about the Nozaki boy’s phone calls and ask him to make it stop. I haven’t even been to Nozaki yet, and I’m dreading it. Hanazaki-san promises to look into it. Unlike a lot of Westerners, when the Japanese say they will do something, they do it. If they say maybe or suck air through their teeth, it means it probably won’t happen. They don’t say no to a request… just a maybe or a yes.
The party is for the 20^th work anniversary of Mrs. Ookubo and Mr. Hashimoto – the car driver (Ookubo-san is to the far right, and Hashimoto-san is to my immediate left). Look at that! It took me three months plus, but I finally know the name of the poor bugger who’s been driving me (and Hanazaki-san and Kanemaru-san) all over the place on work-related business.
Hashimoto-san says he will give me a bonsai tree (bonsai involves tree bondage to shape a full-sized tree into a dwarf version that fits in a pot). He’s drunk, so I don’t hold much stock in his kind offer. Mr. Mori dances with me, which isn’t as gay as you might think. We’re all drunk and having fun!
I sing karaoke – the Beatles Yesterday, which reminds me that I’m homesick a bit. However, I’m very drunk and manage to blurt out that I am ‘thinking’ of staying a second year in Ohtawara. In case you all forgot, we are offered three one-year contracts… though we don’t have to be offered anything, nor do we have to accept it. I've only been here for three months and I'm thinking about a second year?! Am I nuts or drunk?
Anyhow… I get a standing ovation. Not my idea to upstage the two folks who’s party it is.
I’m really tired and drunk, but it doesn’t stop our party from joining the enkai in the restaurant room next door. Apparently the elementary school I visited one afternoon (can’t remember the school) is having a party for the upcoming retirement of its principal Mr. Fukishima (ko-cho sensei or principal). He speaks English and is a real nice guy, so I agree to come and visit him at his school again on December 14.
Party over, Hashimoto-san, Kanemaru-san and Hanzaki-san and I head over to a sushi place near the middle of town that’s about a five-minute walk from our restaurant.
On the way there, the three of them kept staggering out from the sidewalk onto the road, and I had to keep herding them away from the traffic.
The guys order a butt-load of sake, while I try to stick with beer—as I have vague memories of my last encounter with sake back in August. See BLAARRGH for that story.
Kanemaru-san in his infinite wisdom and drunken state confides with Hanazaki-san that Ashley isn’t as smart as me. He says that while he has an arm around me to prop himself up at the table where we are sitting. Apparently he’s noticed that when we’re at kyudo (Japanese archery) and he’s speaking Japanese, I translate what he is saying into English for her. Hunh. I wonder when I started to understand the lingo? Of course, I do spend an inordinate amount of time talking with anyone and everyone. I guess it was bound to rub off.
Still at the restauranr/bar, Hanzaki-san keeps wanting to fall asleep with sushi in his mouth.
Hashimmoto’s wife arrives, bows at us, slaps her husband on the back of the head and drags his staggering form out to their car.
Kanemaru-san’s wife comes to pick up her husband, bows and slaps the back of his head, hands him a cigarette and helps him to their car. She drove from some function about 40 minutes away to pick him up.
Hanazaki-san and I stagger home. I offer to walk with him to his house first, but he insists he escort me back to my place. I pull him out of the way of an oncoming car and reluctantly agree.
I’m home by 10:30PM and in bed spinning by 11:30PM. I am dead tired, but I enjoyed myself thoroughly tonight. The OBOE are pretty cool people – all of them.
Somewhere holding onto the sides of my futon,
Andrew Joseph