Last night was the first time since Ashley and I broke up that she actually spent the night. For the past week now, we've been having sex again as part of a friend's with benefits thing. It's good for Ashley and it's good for me. It's also good for the people around me, as my mood has certainly improved.
We get up this morning and have sex for 2-1/2 hours! We then talk about us, and really, it seems to be more about friendship than relationship... which is what Ashley wants. To be honest, you could keep all that... I enjoy the sex.
Ashley was never the most beautiful woman on the planet, but there was something about her I thought was beautiful... and isn't that what counts? Yes, she was also the first woman I had ever had sex with, and I suppose that made her even extra special in my head. I've certainly had a lot of sex with a fair number of women since arriving in Japan almost one year ago. I've been with women that would make the average guy's head spin with jealousy... even I have no idea how or why these women were with me, but why question that? I'm just enjoying the ride(s).
I ask Ashley about the condom thing... specifically why she now lets me in without a condom. She says she trusts me. She trusts me to pull out. It's bizarre. When we were dating she didn't trust me? Cripes... I wanted to date her and have sex with her, but I wasn't interested in being a father to her kids - at least not here in Japan when she's 22 and I'm 26! And now that we're not an official couple, she trusts me enough to take that risk?
I'm not the world's smartest guy, but it still doesn't make sense to me. But since I'm not the world's stupidest guy, I leave it at that. Why rock the boat when I'm having my cake and eating it too, if you know what I mean.
We dress and go to CoCo's for brunch, but she soon has to head down south to Oyama-shi to pick up a microwave oven from Peter, who's leaving the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme in a couple of weeks.
Parting at CoCo's, I go home and relax by watching a few videos. It's a beautiful day today, but I am still mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted by the events of the past 12 months - girlfriend, no girlfriend, stalker girlfriend, various one-night-stand girlfriends, friend's with benefits thing. Forget about Japan being tough to live in as it's my first time away from home. That's freaking easy. The tough part has been dealing with the women coming in and out of my life.
Later that night when Ashley's back, she invites me over to watch Field of Dreams. Damn movie makes me cry every time... especially that part where he plays catch with his dead father. We don't have sex, but we are cozy and pretty relaxed around each other.
I go home at 11PM and start doing my puzzle of The Tower of Babel, with art by Pieter Breugel.
I suddenly fixate. This was something I used to do when I would have sleeping and waking dreams of drowning by falling under ice on a river when I'm 87 years-old. I would just zone out and be carried away by the dream.
In this case, I'm swallowed up and lose control of what I'm doing... by that it feels like there's something short-circuiting in my brain that won't allow me to stop doing what I'm doing until my brain is ready to relinquish control.
This is something that has hit me only three or four times outside of my drowning dream in 46 years, but this is the first time it has happened in the 26 years since my birth. It's kind of freaky... and since I'm not doing anything stupid or nefarious... I let it take over. I still have control over my thoughts. I am aware of what I am doing - it's just that I can't stop. Like I said... at least I'm not doing anything stupid. Every time it's happened, I've been overly tired and it takes over while I do a specific function. In this case, it's putting a jigsaw puzzle together.
I feel pretty stupid telling you all about this. I haven't talked to anyone about it before - if I thought I was hurting myself or others I certainly would, but it always seems to manifest itself to help take chaos and make it into order.
I begin to pull pieces out of the box and slap them down onto the frame. Everything seems to be a perfect fit with every handful of puzzle pieces. It's like being completely in tune with the universe.
I want you to know that I'm not drinking or doing drugs.
I do about 180 pieces and I have no idea how I am doing it, but I am doing it. It's like my brain has taken over and is focusing even while I am trying to snap out of the focus--but I can't. I keep telling myself to stop; to get up; to leave; but I'm not listening to myself. I'm saying out loud "this is crazy", and it is.
I get up to get myself some Coca-Cola, and the feeling of extreme focus seems to dissipate. I actually have no idea when that feeling leaves me, but it does. I stare down at the puzzle and see all that I have done. What's weird(er), is that every single piece I picked up from the box I was able to place down where it needed to go. I did not pick up a single piece and put it back into the box. It was like being a cyborg for awhile. Half-man, half-mazing.
I go and take out my contacts from my tired eyes and put on my glasses--but as I am taking them out, I realize they are already out. Hunh. I must have missed doing that in my focused state.Okay. Now I'm a bit freaked out.
Have I completely zoned out and lost track of time? What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm afraid to lie down because I'm afraid that the dream of me dying willcome back - but this time it will be for real....
... yet, when I do lie down, I pass out immediately... and dream.
I don't recall my dreams very often... and when I do, it's usually, well, this sounds stupid, but it's usually something that comes true in the near future.. or it seems to. It's why I seem to experience deja vu quite often. Okay... that's just a theory. And not a very scientific one at that.
I believe in 'isms': mysticism, occultism, spiritualism... weird stuff... or at least I don't dis-believe it... but I do try and base everything around scientific fact. As a Catholic, do I believe the world was created in seven days? Not literally. I know my science, and I have faith in it.
In my dream, I see how angels travel. They merely open wide their arms and step through into the open space... to any time, to any place. I see ghosts in the video tape I see in my dream. I see the Tower of Babel and angels traveling.
It's a bizarre day to be sure and I have no idea what it means, but I sure hope this one doesn't come true in the near future.
I must be more tired than I thought. Is it possible to hallucinate in one's own dreams?
Somewhere needing to spread my wings and fly by myself,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by King Crimson. I always loved the cover of this album, plus the frenetic musical notes at around the 2 minute mark. FACE.
PS: The image above is of the Tower of Babel puzzle. What do you think... Babel... people speaking different languages and no one understands each other. Confusing. It's me and Japan. It's me and all the different women in Japan. It's me being overly tired. It's me becoming mentally unstable. Let's see what happens over the next few weeks, shall we.
