It's drizzling a bit today, but it's still around 36 Celcius. My mom and I do more traveling today, in air-conditioned splendor, as my mom believes, like myself, that a vacation should be relaxing and NOT taxing. I don't see my security blanket, I mean security guard at the entrance to the hotel this morning... maybe I tired her out last night. Or maybe she just has a later shift. Whatever... I'll see her later tonight and see my waitress hook-up after that. I've had more sex in two days than I've had in a month or more, and I feel quite relaxed. I'm pretty sure my mom suspects, but doesn't question me about it. She's probably just glad I've, if you'll pardon the pun, come into my own.
Before arriving in Japan a year ago, I was a 25-1/2 year old virgin with next to zero self-confidence. A year here in Japan has taught me self-confidence, as well as how to cook, clean, do laundry, iron, be a man... etcetera. I might still be an idiot sometimes, but at least I can do more than just whine about it... I can do something about it.
We travel to Wat Pho... the largest temple in Thailand... we were supposed to go yesterday, but we ran out of time. It's fantastic... and really, I need a couple of days to scan in the photos for you. We then traveled an hour north of Bangkok to the famous Water Market--that's a wonderful shot I took up above.
Arriving at the Market, as I step out of the car, a guy drapes a friggin' python snake around my shoulders and a monkey on my now out-stretched arms and then asks if I want a picture. What the heck happens if I say no? To quote Jim Morrison of The Doors: 'The snake... he's cold.'
I don't know about you... but I hate snakes. I hate'em, I hate'em, I hate'em. As much as I hate spiders. I think I prefer animals (not including sealife) that has two to six legs. Anything more or less... ick. Two legs are for things like wallaby's or kangaroos. Six.. ants. Sealife... I don't mind fish or squid or octopi.
I think my mom pays for a photo just so I don't pass out from fright.
The Water Market has sales people in small watercraft selling all sorts of fruits, hats and tourist crap to buy--and to be honest, I have no interest in it. My souvenir is the photo. The water of the river is absolutely filthy. It's a murky brown, and I suppose it's made worse by the rain of the past few days, but our guide, Toki, tells us this brown colour is normal.
We go for a boat ride (motorized) up the river..and I'm constantly hoping none of the water will splash up into my mouth. It's probably the longest I've ever gone without opening my mouth to speak.
I can't believe that people who live in thatch huts up on poles on the river actually bathe in this crappy water... but I guess they are used to it, which is why no one gets sick.
As well, just upstream from where I see some kids having a bath (washing their hair), I see a couple of people using the river as their toilet (crap and pee). Oh well... it's life, isn't it?
Getting off at a small town, we see a few aspects of Thai culture: Kickboxing (my mom run's out of film), a wedding ceremony (still out), Thai dancing, a Thai fashion show--oh my gawd, Magnum, these women are getting more and more gorgeous, a Thai music festival, and learn about Thai history at a small museum.
Later, we see an elephant show. There's a bull elephant pushing a large log into the water and then goes into the water to retrieve it. When he comes out, his weenis (combo of wee-wee and penis... a word invented by my son, Hudson... he also invented poo-nus... a combo of poo and anus... why can't I invent words like this??!! ) is out--long and dragging on the ground. Geez... with a dick like that, how could an elephant ever forget?
All of the women around me begin snapping photographs while giggling out loud. All of the guys are looking sheepishly at their women going crazy, all the while remembering how they all say that size isn't important. Women lie, apparently.
I then get aboard an elephant (no dick on this one), and ride for a couple minutes. it shakes up my gut pretty good, but it was still a lot of fun. They smell.
On the way back, down the river, I'm so relaxed and happy and thinking about the Thai fashion show and the waitress and the security guard that I drag my hand in the river's water. When my mom points that out to me, I can only hope I haven't picked up something that I'll transfer over to one or both of those women.. or three women... hey... you never know in this country!
When I get out of the boat, that guy with the snake and monkey tries to wrap me up again, but my tour guide steps in the way, allowing me the chance to go and wash my hands. Heck... I wouldn't want to make the snake sick... or would I?
Back in the car, we're stuck in a a traffic jam for an hour where we quite literally do not move an inch. Fortunately, there are some snacks and drinks in the car... plus, I did mention it was air-conditioned. Thanks mom... whatever you paid, it was worth it!
In traffic, I see mile after mile of some of the planet's most gorgeous women saunter by. Long black hair. Long legs. Bright eyes. A warm smile when they see me wave enthusiastically at them.
I'm sure my mom and the tour guide are rolling their eyes. Toki says that there are a lot of men who like to dress up as women here in Thailand. I'd heard that, but I haven't seen any evidence of it yet--I think. At least not any first hand or other body part evidence of it.
Giving up on getting back to the hotel by car, we leave our air-conditioned prison and walk back. It's a 30 minute walk through the most disgustingly polluted city I've ever seen, with some of the poorest people I've ever noticed. But... no one is angry. Everyone seems to have a smile on their face for my mom and myself.
At the hotel, we have a spicy fish dinner, and are served by Tookta who is brazen enough to give me a kiss on my lips in front of my mom. Mom is surprised--not by the fact that I got kissed, but by the fact that she did it in front of everyone. Tookta actually comes over a few minutes later to apologize to my mom, saying that she was just overcome by emotion at having seen me. My mother easily accepts her apology, and Tookta flounces away saying she will see me later.
My mom arches an eyebrow as I shrug a shoulder and smile quite smugly.
Back in the hotel, mom is tired and goes to sleep at 9PM, while I watch a bit of Predator II... I'm tired too, but rather than go to sleep like a good son, I make like a teenaged boy and go out to visit Boon-mee the security guard at 10PM (I found out that was when she was getting off work), and then help her get off. I'm a dog, but she seems to like dogs. This time she actually took me back to her place. It was small, well decorated and very clean. I even used the shower when I was ready to leave... my third of the day... so that I would be all nice and fresh for Tookta.
As I was leaving, I got a very good lesson from Boon-mee on women. She told me to say hi to Tookta. I stopped dead in my tracks and slowly turned around, expecting a knife to be pointed at my cowardly yellow dog back. Instead, she had a smile on her face.
She noticed my chagrined look and said: "What? Women do talk, you know! Especially about you."
I stammered out an "oh" and wondered if I could get them both together. Boon-me must have been a mind-reader because she said: "And no, I don't mind sharing you, but only when I get you all to myself for a couple of hours."
She then walked me back to the hotel, grabbed my crotch through my shorts and told me to be as safe with Tookta as she is with her.
"No problem," I smiled. "Are you sure you - "
She laughed, turned and waved as she walked away.
Waitaminute... is this what friends-with-benefits is really like? So, I can still boink my ex-girlfriend Ashley and boink whomever else I want? Dammit. I was hiding that from Ashley. I suppose I can be as open about it as I now am with Tookta and Boon-mee.
I have learned a lot about Thai culture today. I must not forget... like that elephant! Hah! I guess I love Thailand because it's the way I love my women: Open.
Somewhere an old dog can learn a new trick,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by: Jim Stafford. Believe it or not, I saw Jim perform as the opening act of a Joan Rivers (Comedian) concert back in the mid 1980s back in Toronto! IDON'TLIKE.
PS: I should have bought a Thai peasant hat. It's actually not just a Thai peasant hat... it's also seen in China and Japan - I usually saw them worn by the rice farmers, both men and women... who would when the urge hit them, take a bathroom break in their rice field. I wonder if that is what gives Japanese rice its unique flavour?
