Anyhow... Tiger Woods is rehabbing his knee and other aches and pains, and is not currently playing any golf. Hate him or love him, golf is pretty damn boring without him. Plus, he's colourful (if you know what I mean), in a drab sort of way (if you've ever heard him speak).
He has nothing but time on his hands and a plethora of lost advertising contracts thanks to his messy break-up with his wife and the allegations of him stepping out with umpteen women who look like they could be porn stars, escorts or working at a Hooters restaurant.
Contracts lost include: Accenture, Gillette, PepsiCo and AT&T. But, just last week - July 1, 2011, Tiger appeared in a television commercial in good, ol' Japan.
Getting paid rather than laid, Tiger did a 30-second spot for the Kowa Company Ltd. and its Vantelin Kowa heat rub for aches and pains. Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife only assumes it's not the type of rub he is used to, but we applaud him just the same.
Here... have a LOOK:
Hmmmm... isn't there already a heat rub called Tiger Balm? It's been around since the 1870s? From Singapore? I've used it and might even have a bottle or two around the home. I don't think it ever goes bad, unlike that other Tiger.
Kowa Company really has nothing to lose by using a disgraced athlete like Tiger... I mean - look! It's mentioned here and in other venues, so this company that no one ever heard of outside of Japan has just bought itself some great advertising.
There is no word on how much money Tiger is getting for his sterling work in the commercial, but we assume it is a fair chunk of change.
By the way... this is Tiger's second Japanese commercial, having done one in 1997 for Asahi Soft Drinks for their canned coffee. He got $11-million for that.
Despite not playing much these past 12 months - and certainly not winning anything, Tiger did take in $75-million. ... and this is taking into account he lost $35-million from his lost sponsorships.
Tiger, Tiger burning bright.
In the forests of the night
What immortal hand or eye,
Can frame thy fearful symmetry.
That's part of a poem by William Blake written in 1794 from his Songs Of Experience.
Apparently that television camera can frame his fearful symmetry.
My only complaint regarding the commercial, however, is that right at the end when Tiger says his line (Cut-to! Take-o Scene-nu 47!), he smiles broadly for a second before it quickly diminishes. Hopefully the cream wasn't burning his back!
Still, good for Tiger. And remember kids: no pain, no gain.
Somewhere wondering if Tiger still has his little black book,
Andrew Joseph
PS, and if you would like me to suggest a song for this, we humbly suggest: Love Me Tender by Elvis Presley. Why Love Me Tender? Gawd... you're going to make me write this aren't you? Okay... you all know I love Japan and the Japanese, right? Well, many times while singing in a Japanese Karaoke Bar, that particular song would come up and would be crooned by hordes of drunken Japanese businessmen. Unfortunately, every time I heard it sung in Japan, it sounded like: Rub Me Tender, as many Japanese have great difficulty in pronouncing the letter "L", as it does not exist in the Japanese alphabets.
PPS: I like William Blake's artwork, having seen many of his traveling exhibits, and own a few books. But that poem... it doesn't rhyme. Sure it does on paper if you were to rhyme eye with symme-try... but it is pronounced symme-tree. I know, poetry lovers will tell you it doesn't need to rhyme. I think it does, otherwise it's just really, really, really, really, really short fiction. Check it out... I'm a poet! No, my words don't rhyme, but in my head they do and you should all respect that. I'm also laughing in my head. Damn echo. cho-cho-co-co-o-.
