LEGO - Cool For Cats

Nyantomo Happy House.

Okay... about a week ago TV Tokyo presented its results after putting forth a nationwide request for viewers to create toys for cats made from LEGO.

The challenge was just for simple folk like you and I, but rather for the advanced LEGO builder who has a lot of free-time on his or her hands, a plethora of hard-to-find bricks and a plethora of those bricks in the appropriate color scheme... not to mention they also needed to posses an incredible imagination and talent.

I am unsure why challenge was to create toys for cats, but what the heck? The results were awesome, and featured cat cars, cat houses (no, no THAT type), robotic cat toys, and more.

Watch the video HERE.

Wild cats secret hiding place.

And despite the fact that people everywhere are impressed by these LEGO creations, and Japanese cats  got to play with some real neat-o toys, it's obvious that the big winners are TV Tokyo for concocting this bizarre challenge and still providing us with a wow factor along with a television ratings bonanza!

Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife is actually blown away by this concept. I must have around 10,000 LEGO pieces, and I have a cat. Okay... the LEGO is actually my 5-1/2-year-old son's, and the cat came with my wife when we got married 10 years ago this month... but dammit, I play with both.

The shocking thing is, my cat shows absolutely zero interest in LEGO. She can't build anything owing to the absence of thumbs - though to be fair, thumbs are not a necessity to construct LEGO. But really, that darn cat doesn't even try batting around any fallen pieces that hit the wooden floor; she doesn't gnaw on any pieces; she doesn't even try and swat any pieces from my (I mean, my son's) constructs that litter the shelf space in the house (yes, the whole house).

Lego cat car - but does she have a license?

I am reminded of comedian Steve Martin talking about cat toys, and how you can never return them after they get cat spit all over them. Why won't my cat play with LEGO? Is she waiting for me to create something cool like in these photos et al? Until then, apparently I - with my allergies to cats - am her favourite toy.

I hope not. I'm not making any LEGO toys for cats. I'm making a LEGO diorama of old Japan. Or at least that is what I am telling myself I am going to do, which explains my strange purchases from the LEGO store and E-bay.

Somewhere with cat spit on myself,

Andrew Joseph 

PS: regular rife back tomorrow.  

Lego - fishing

Rocket Man

Cripes. It's Sunday, September 1, 1991 - school starts tomorrow. I live in the small city of Ohtawara in Tochigi Prefecture in Japan. I've been here for 13 months, and I have greatly enjoyed my time here in this strange but wonderful country. The only thing that screws me up is the woman situation.

It's true that I came to this country nearly 26-years-old and still more virginal than a Catholic girl's school, but quickly got over that - though I wonder if I could become a born-again virgin, y'know, just for old time's sake. I've already hit double digits, despite having an unsteady relationship with Ashley for 10 months. Every time we were off again, I was on again with some woman who would literally throw herself at me. Crap like that never happened back in Canada. Never... I could have been on fire in my Toronto-area high school cafeteria or university or college, and not one single woman would have even noticed. Sometimes Canada is a really stupid country.

Even now in 2011, how come I never get hit on? Are women that lazy here - sit back and let the men come onto them, shoot them down and choose the one guy who looks super good but knows it? Welcome to Toronto's bar scene.

In Japan, it's a rare event when I don't have some woman try and talk to me at a bar. It's even rarer that I don't have a girlfriend or regular or even semi-regular sexual partner - but that's what is going on in my life here in Ohtawara. As such... I'm moody and agitated.

Up at 10:30AM, my friend Matthew who lives five minutes away comes over to my apartment. We then walk over to his place and get a ride from his girlfriend Takako to the Asian Rural Institute in the north end of town. They are hosting a picnic at Shinoyama Koen (Shinoyama Park). The Institute is a place for farmers from India, China, Pakistan, Indonesia - heck - Asia - to learn Japanese farming techniques so that they can go back home and apply it there.

Ohtawara, despite only having 50,000 people in it, seems to have a plethora of foreigners living in its boundaries. Along with the 12 people at the Institute (I've never seen so many brown people in one area before - I'm actually from white middle-class suburbia in Etobicoke - a city within Metropolitan Toronto and as of 2011 am still pretty much the only visible minority on the block... some 37 years after I first came to the area), there are also a lot of Japanese businesses (technical types) that have a few gaijin (foreigners) working at their plant for short contracts (from Canada and the US mainly). And there's Matthew & myself who live in Ohtawara, a few New Zealand bartenders, and others scattered around... it's no wonder this burg has an Ohtawara International Friendship Association!

And yet... despite the preponderance of foreigners, most of Ohtawara still seems stunned when they see me, as I am still often the first foreigner they have ever seen. I guess I get out a lot. (Matthew, too!).

At the picnic: It's hot out today. Bloody hot. India in August hot. Hovering at around 39 Celsius.As soon as I get there, I go for a beer and relax. It's a good thing I never (ever) get hang-overs, or I'd be a dead man every day in this country!

As I sit by myself, I overhear people from the Institute talking with Business foreigners with some Japanese locals (there are a few in Ohtawara) about me. They talk in Japanese and in English. I can't speak Japanese worth a damn, but it appears as though I understand a heck of a lot more than I should. When the heck did that happen?

These people are gossiping about me with me sitting maybe 15 feet (4.6 meters) away! They are talking about the number of girlfriends I seem to have.

I don't correct them on that, but do state that I currently have no girlfriends, and don't want one.

My friend Naoko.

Naoko, a Japanese lady friend with the Friendship Association, is ever nearby and asks me 'Why?" I tell her it's because people are always spying on me or gossiping about me, and how could I do that to another woman. Naoko quickly runs off and disappears in the crowd. And it seems like there is a crowd of maybe 100 people.

Suddenly the party-goers at the park, part like the Red Sea for Moses, and I see Naoko talking with Shoko, the very pretty, shy and quiet Japanese local who likes me and me her. Shoko is one of the students in my extra-curricular night time English conversation class I teach (and get paid handsomely) for the Friendship Association.

Feeling stupid from the alcohol and the heat, I want to get away from the gossipy gossipers, so I move off and try and hide. But, Matthew, ever-concerned for my mental health, follows me to ensure I am not by myself. Apparently I yelled my responses back to the gossipers.

Then Shoko comes over and quickly asks me out on a date!? God I love this country. I had always been reluctant to go out with her because I was afraif of the language barrier. Shoko was too, or maybe she just always figured I had a girlfriend and didn't want to be part of the revolving sextrade I had going for me in my apartment building.

Cool. Next Friday she and I will go out for drinks over at the 4C, if I am not too tired from my daily routine of working three hours a day team-teaching (with a Japanese teacher of English) at one of my seven junior high schools (chu gakko).

Despite this bit of happiness injected into my bloodstream, I still act and perhaps feel quiet, shy or aloof. I don't mingle much. I guess I'm still upset about people talking about me within earshot expecting that I wouldn't hear or understand them.

Even back in 1990 and 1991, I had always threatened Ashley (and others) by stating: "Never, ever piss off a writer." Twenty years later, I guess I'm proving my point.

After the picnic, Matthew and I head back to my place and watch some Sherlock Holmes episodes I had taped on my bilingual television and VCR (video tape recorder). We then go to some place called the Orient Club to exercise for three hours. I have no idea why Matthew even knows of this place, but he knows a way more about Ohtawara than I do, as he seems to have more of an explorers spirit, and a greater Japanese language ability than I will ever have. I guess that's why he has a Japanese girlfriend, and I only have a first date with a quiet, shy and reserved cutie pie.

The Orient Club has light cycles, treadmills, stair masters and some other stuff. It's a smallish place, but very clean and well run. We go for a swim, a sauna and then an onsen (it's like a hot tub but a bit bigger). I weigh myself when w start. It's 76.45 kilograms (168.45 pounds), and when we are done, I'm down to 75.85 kilograms (167.22 pounds)! My blood pressure seems a little high at 143/80. My body is hurting, but with the weight loss (I'm not fat! Yay!) I feel good.

Matthew and when finished, go over to the fastfood restaurant Mosburger. It's my favourite comfort food, and Matthew seems to know that. Give me convenience or give me death! Of course our supper blows all of our training, but who cares?!

My mom and dad call me at 12:30AM to let me know she arrived home safely in Toronto after mom came out to visit me here in Japan. Despite the lateness of the hours, I don't care - I couldn't sleep anyway... thinking about Karen, Kristine, Ashley, Shoko and my threesome with two hot Thai women a couple of weeks ago. That's why I'm so moody!

For five days in Thailand, I was getting sex four plus times a day for five days. Now I am not. Karen wants to be boyfriend girlfriend (and I just want sex); Ashley offers sex when she wants to as a friend-with-benefits (I also want a relationship); Kristine - I want a relationship, but she lives 500 kilometres away, and I think she's probably too good for me; and Shoko who I assume wants a relationship with me (but I'm unsure what I want with her - sex, yes, but a relationship with a nice Japanese girl would be a step up for me here in Japan - I am concerned about how we are going to communicate with each other when we have a language barrier. A physical relationship is fine, but I do want more.

Hmmm. Karen is offering me that (and my mom likes her; didn't like Ashley; probably would have loved Kristine; and been luke-warm with Shoko due to communication difficulties) but something about Karen is off-putting. Probably my need to have Ashley back as a girlfriend. I am so screwed up in the head still.

Hey Matthew - I don't think there is enough Mosburger in the world to make me feel better.

Somewhere restless,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Elton John: BLAST-OFF!
PS: I don't sleep well again - a recurring event here in Japan... either due to me thinking too much or not enough.

Japan No Pain For-rrre! Tiger Woods

More power to you Tiger Woods. Okay... the world's best golfer screwed up big time in his personal life, but at least he still has golf. Okay... he's hurt and can't play golf... but at least he still has all of those mega-millions of dollars - and if he converted it to Japanese Yen, it would seem like he'd be a gazzillionaire!

Anyhow... Tiger Woods is rehabbing his knee and other aches and pains, and is not currently playing any golf. Hate him or love him, golf is pretty damn boring without him. Plus, he's colourful (if you know what I mean), in a drab sort of way (if you've ever heard him speak).

He has nothing but time on his hands and a plethora of lost advertising contracts thanks to his messy break-up with his wife and the allegations of him stepping out with umpteen women who look like they could be porn stars, escorts or working at a Hooters restaurant.

Contracts lost include: Accenture, Gillette, PepsiCo and AT&T. But, just last week - July 1, 2011, Tiger appeared in a television commercial in good, ol' Japan.

Getting paid rather than laid, Tiger did a 30-second spot for the Kowa Company Ltd. and its Vantelin Kowa heat rub for aches and pains. Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife only assumes it's not the type of rub he is used to, but we applaud him just the same.

Here... have a LOOK:

Hmmmm... isn't there already a heat rub called Tiger Balm? It's been around since the 1870s? From Singapore? I've used it and might even have a bottle or two around the home. I don't think it ever goes bad, unlike that other Tiger.

Kowa Company really has nothing to lose by using a disgraced athlete like Tiger... I mean - look! It's mentioned here and in other venues, so this company that no one ever heard of outside of Japan has just bought itself some great advertising.

There is no word on how much money Tiger is getting for his sterling work in the commercial, but we assume it is a fair chunk of change.

By the way... this is Tiger's second Japanese commercial, having done one in 1997 for Asahi Soft Drinks for their canned coffee. He got $11-million for that.

Despite not playing much these past 12 months - and certainly not winning anything, Tiger did take in $75-million. ... and this is taking into account he lost $35-million from his lost sponsorships.

Tiger, Tiger burning bright.
In the forests of the night
What immortal hand or eye,
Can frame thy fearful symmetry.

That's part of a poem by William Blake written in 1794 from his Songs Of Experience.    

Apparently that television camera can frame his fearful symmetry.

My only complaint regarding the commercial, however, is that right at the end when Tiger says his line (Cut-to! Take-o Scene-nu 47!), he smiles broadly for a second before it quickly diminishes. Hopefully the cream wasn't burning his back!

Still, good for Tiger. And remember kids: no pain, no gain.

Somewhere wondering if Tiger still has his little black book,
Andrew Joseph
PS, and if you would like me to suggest a song for this, we humbly suggest: Love Me Tender by Elvis Presley. Why Love Me Tender? Gawd... you're going to make me write this aren't you? Okay... you all know I love Japan and the Japanese, right? Well, many times while singing in a Japanese Karaoke Bar, that particular song would come up and would be crooned by hordes of drunken Japanese businessmen. Unfortunately, every time I heard it sung in Japan, it sounded like: Rub Me Tender, as many Japanese have great difficulty in pronouncing the letter "L", as it does not exist in the Japanese alphabets.
PPS: I like William Blake's artwork, having seen many of his traveling exhibits, and own a few books. But that poem... it doesn't rhyme. Sure it does on paper if you were to rhyme eye with symme-try... but it is pronounced symme-tree. I know, poetry lovers will tell you it doesn't need to rhyme. I think it does, otherwise it's just really, really, really, really, really short fiction. Check it out... I'm a poet! No, my words don't rhyme, but in my head they do and you should all respect that. I'm also laughing in my head. Damn echo. cho-cho-co-co-o-.

Godzilla

The one and only Godzilla

Japan is home to The Good; The Bad; And The Ugly, and has imported them out to the rest of the world so that we can enjoy what the Nihonjin (Japanese) enjoy.

The Good: the standard Japanese cuisine that you and I could get at a restaurant in our respective countries. Also, automobiles and electronics!  Depending on your point of view, there is also anime (animation) and manga (comic books).

The Bad: things that are so cute that it makes me want to barf. Things like Hello Kitty! I mean, I suppose if I was an eight-year-old girl, that would be cool... or if I was sleeping with a woman who liked it, that would be cool... but I'm not either of the two above mentioned examples.

The Ugly: Monster movies. I guess I love ugly, because I love Japanese monster movies! Did you know that the Japanese word Kaiju (怪獣) means 'strange beast', but when translated to English, it essentially means 'monster'.

Unless you've been living under a rock, the most famous Japanese kaiju is Godzilla. Godzilla is actually spelled and pronounced: Gojira( ゴジラ), with perhaps the next most famous being the classic Mothra (giant moth), Rodan (famous sculptor* or the more famous bird-like critter), Gamera (giant flying turtle) and King Ghidorah (the three-headed monstrosity).There's also Anguirius!

Godzilla has crushed Tokyo and saved Tokyo, and saved the world. Gamera seems to like kids and has saved the planet numerous times.

Here for your viewing pleasure is a list of Japanese monsters from both movie and television. As far as I can tell, I have tried to give you their Japanese name and the year of their birth to the viewing public.

Hey... I had some time today.

Monsters: 

Agon (1968);
Akuma-Kun {aka Devil Boy} (1966);
Anguirus (1959);
Appurushîdo (2004);
Baragon (1965);
Barugon (1966);
Biollante (1989);
Dagora, the Space Monster (1965);
Dai Majin {Great Majin} (1966);
Demekingu (2009);Destroyah (1995);
Doreijuu (2000);Ebirah, (1968);
Futo (1977);
Gabara (1959);
Gaira (1966);
Gamera (1965);
Ganime (1970);Gappa (1967);
Gehara (2009);
Gezora (1970);
Ghidrah (1964);
Giant Condor (1968);
Gigan (1972);
Girara( 1967);
Godzilla (1954);
Godzilla Jr. (1967);
Goliath (1972);
Gorosaurus (1968);
Guilala (2007);
Guiron (1969);
Gyaos (1967);
Hedorah {aka Smog Monster}(1971);
Ika resuraa (2004);
Iris (1999);
Juiger (aka Monster X) (1970);
Kairyu Daikessen {Froggo and Droggo}(1966);
Kamacurus (1968);
Kameba (1970);
King Ghidorah (1991);
Kujira gami {aka The Killer Whale} (1962);
Kumonga (1968);
Legion (1996);
Manda (1968);
Megalon (1973);
Mechagodzilla (1974);
Megaguira (2000);
Minilla (1968);
Monster Zero (1970);
Mothra (1964);
Negadon (2005);
Nezulla The Rat Monster (2002);
Ogre of Mount Oe (1960);
Orga (1999);
Raiga (2009);
Reigo (2008);
Rodan (1956);
Sanda (1966);
Space Godzilla (1994);
Sûpâ robot Maha Baron (1975);
Tekkouki Mikazuki (2000);
Varan (1959);
Viras (1968);
Wasei Kingu Kongu {aka Japanese King Kong} (1933);
Zigra (1971);
Zoon (1973);

For those of you who like the pure good guys... here are some space policemen from the Ultraman series... oh, and for the record Ultraman and Urutoraman are the same.... Urutoraman is how the Japanese pronounce Ultraman:
Ultraman (1966);
Urutora Q (1990);
Urutoraman Teiga (1998);
Urutoraman Daina (1998);
Urutoraman Gaia (1999);
Urutoraman Kosumosu (2001);
Ultraman Cosmos (2003);
Ultraman Justice (2003);
Urutoraman Mebiusu (2006);
Urutora kyôdai (Ultra) (2006);
Urutorasebun Ekkusu (2007);
Urutoraman Zero (2010).

Gates of Hell - Rodin

Files compiled by Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title id by the Blue Oyster Cult: OHNO!
PS: * Rodan is the Kaiju (monster); Rodin (Auguste) is the sculptor of classic art like The Thinker and The Kiss and The Gates of Hell (photo below taken by myself in Ueno Park, Tokyo.
PPS: Back to the regular life and times of yer idiotic traveler tomorrow.

Windy

It's 2:49AM, Wednesday June 19, 1991. The sexy Japanese university student named Junko lies naked beside me in bed.
We met on Monday, as she and a bunch of other university studentsvisited Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School - aka Dai Chu)to see what it's like to be a real teacher. 
Despite the awesomeness of the past two nights with this tigress--shekeeps coming back for more--I have no idea what her last name is - andI'm well beyond asking her - especially if I want more.
I think I do.
I was actually asleep and woke up from a dream. A dream I had about Ashley.... which made me horny again.
Now looks-wise, while Ashley was cute, but Junko looked like she could be a lingeriefashion model - but I hardly ever saw her in lingerie. Unfortunately, I knew my relationship (physical) with Junko was going tolast as long as she was in town... she had to be back at her universityby next Monday. Wherever the heck that was.
I was 26-years-old to her 21 - and while writing about having sex with a21-year-old now in 2011 when I'm 46 seems strange, I never even gave it a secondthought back in 1991. I just thanked my lucky stars I didn't have agirlfriend this week.
So... why was I dreaming about Ashley? Looking at what popped up, I'mpretty sure I knew what I wanted from her. Oh well. No sleep for Junko.
No need to wake-up, we roll out of bed at 6:15AM, have separate showers, look at each other and then get dirty again.
I kick her out at 7:30AM - she shouldn't be seen leaving my place - notthat I'm embarrassed - actually, quite the contrary... I just don'twant any students at Dai Chu to see her leave my place... then she'llget talked about, and I don't want her to feel shamed by anyone.Although... I'm pretty sure she doesn't care, as she leaves myapartment wearing one of my dress shirts.
It's so obviously my shirt. Not only is it a man's shirt, It's purple -and no Japanese man would ever wear anything like what I wear.
Shunning Junko's offer of a drive to school (again, people talk in thistown - already my boss Hanazaki-san (Mr. Hanazaki) seems to know I'veslept with this hot tamale. We're not that loud, are we? Besides... we'd probably never even make it to Dai Chu.
At school - considering I've just had sex with a woman who should be afashion model - everything is great! The students are nice to me. Themale teachers are looking at me with awe, while some of the womenteacher's are giving me the squint eye--like they know who I'm sleepingwith and are wondering if I'm the predator or if Junko is. I think theyknow it's Junko, as one of the teachers comments (in English) "NiceShirt-o" to Junko. She says it loudly, glances at me and goes off tomake o-cha (green tea) for all of the male teachers.
I don't get any from her, but that's only because Junko has already brought me a cup, gently blowing on it to cool it down.
I'm pretty sure that blowing on the gaijin's (foreigner's) tea is a Japanese social faux pas - I don't care because Junko doesn't care.
What the hell is her last name?
Man - if only Ashley could see me with her!
During my classes, I talk with the idiot students who weren't nice tome a few days ago - but even their attitude toward me is softened toone of awe and respect as they seem to know I'm boinking the hotuniversity student-teacher, Junko.
At 4PM, I head to my back doctor for some quick adjustments - Junko andthe rest of the teachers have a meeting beginning at that time.
I stop off and get a bottle of Coca-Cola and head back to my place wondering what I'm going to eat for dinner.
As I open the door, step in and close it, a gentle rapping ensues. It's Junko.
Well, I guess I know what's for dinner.
She brought food, too.
When we're done, we eat dinner and tell her that it looks like tonightmight be our last night together. I'm busy tomorrow night, and onFriday I made plans to go to Disneyland with my ex-girlfriend Ashleyand a few other Tochigi-ken JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching)Programme people.
Despite the prospect of not being with Junko this weekend, I'm looking forward to spending it with Ashley.
I am so screwed up in the head.
I tell her what I am doing this weekend and with whom. Even thoughshe's not from Ohtawara, she knows who Ashley is. Junko begs me to lether come with me to Disneyland.
World's are colliding.
In 2011, I look back at this moment and realize this woman would havedone anything for me. Anything... she would have come with me toToronto, we could have started a family and she could have made moneyas a model... Not only is Junko super sexy, sexual and smart - shespeaks English very well. And, she doesn't seem crazy.
I reaffirm the 'no' answer, as I'm afraid she is either falling for me too quickly, or she's a lot more than just crazy in bed.
She is about to leave my place at 9PM so that I can do some laundry and iron some shirts. Junkogave me back my shirt and wore the one she had on from yesterday whichshe had hidden under my bedroom pillows. Oh and when she puts onyesterday's clothing, I notice she didn't wear any form of underwear atschool today... She'll never be a lingerie model with an attitude like this!
I think I'm going to run out of condoms...
She's still at my place when the doorbell rings at 10:30PM and Matthew beginspounding on the door. Junko says she'll answer it for me, but I pushher naked body back into my room and tell her to be quiet.
Matthew just popped over to say hi - use my washroom - and then stagger home after an enkai (party).
I have no idea why I was hiding Junko - perhaps to keep her to myself.
While Junko and I watch a television show about porno stars in thecountry - and why is this only on when Junko is around? And man is there alot of nudity in this program - I have to make a few phone calls.
I don't know about you, but I find talking to other women on the phonedifficult when I'm straddled by a 21-year-old sex goddess. Still, Italk to Melissa and Mari Ann and discuss plans for Canada Day in Tokyo asMari Ann invites me to a celebration at the Canadian embassy -I have no idea how she got that invite. We need to find out if Matthewcan be my guest, and if Melissa can be Mari Ann's, as she and I are thetwo Canadians.
Meanwhile, Junko is being Junko on top of me. She's feeding me food while she rocks my world.
I call Ashley - while Junko is entertaining me - and tell her about the final plans for our trip toDisneyland on Saturday (we're spending the evening at Susan St. Cyr'splace on Friday).
Why am I calling and thinking about Ashley et al when I have a Junko food craving?
Can I have my cake and eat it too?

Somewhere Junko doesn't need sleep when she's with
Andrew Joseph

Today's blog title is by The Association... Junko reminds me of WINDY - breezy and easy.

PS: Wasn't that wicked of me to call Ashley while I was under Junko? It was. Being evil can be fun!

Welcome To The Jungle

Hello Amanda Goodsell!

How are you enjoying your first month here in Japan in the large city of Ashikaga-shi, Tochigi-ken? You're a real pretty woman - I love your long blond wavy hair - okay, okay, I'm backing off. Yeesh.

Okay darlin', you've got the most beautiful mouth I've ever come across (that sounds dirty!), so how about you give me your first impressions of life in Japan as a 5'-8" blond from the U.S. who decided to come here in August 1991 as an Assistant English Teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme?

Thank-you...

• Big bugs
• Small people
• My kitchen sink is at knee level
• Perma-smile (boy, this hurts)
• (What am I doing here) 
• Why is there a sink in my toilet?
• I'm sorry I forgot to take my shoes off.
• How can anyone wear pantyhose in this heat?
• Praise-be for bilingual television!
• (But I never would have been excited about Knight Rider before.)
• Which way does the hanko go?
• (Are those rice fields?)
• I'm so happy my predecessor was perfect.
• Why don't they wear sunglasses?
• More packets of JET information? Why THANK you!!!
• What do you mean, "The directions are in Japanese?"
• I need more omiyage (gifts to give out) Tobu department store to the rescue!
• I come from the galaxy - not Mars, OKAY!?!
• WHAT AM I DOING HERE!!???

Somewhere wondering if I should hit on her,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is rocked out by Guns N Roses: FUN&GAMES
PS: Amanda was quite obviously shell-shocked upon arriving here in Japan. I did not actually try to hit on her. I knew it wouldn't work, as I believe she told me so after first saying hello to me back in Tokyo when I went down to scope out the chicks - I mean welcome the JET newcomers to Japan.
PPS: Amanda recovered quickly enough and soon became a power fixture in our Tochigi-ken, taking over for me as editor of the monthly Tatami Times JET newsletter after I got tired of the politics (and was depressed over the whole girlfriend thing and quit being the Editor). I was getting regular sex from a lot of different women - but I had no girlfriend. I'm sure I'll explain more later.
PPPS: The cover image at the top was from the September 1991 issue of The Tatami Times. I'm unsure now where I got the image from, but I certainly had students who acted like The Three Stooges! This is the cover to the issue Amanda's First Impressions was first printed.

Mr. Cab Driver

Since I'm going to assume I will eventually be forgiven by the Japanese for poking fun at their culture via this blog, it means that, even now, I can insult it all I like.

I do like Japan. I like it a lot. It's just that sometimes I can't help poking fun at it every now and again, because well... it's such an easy target. 

To be fair, all other nations are perfectly okay to poke fun at Canadian culture... that is, if we actually had some of our own. Owtch. Not really true, of course, but Canada is built upon the backs of people who came here from somewhere else. Except for the native Indians and Inuit (what Americans et al call Eskimos - we don't... except for that one stupid football team in the CFL, the Edmonton Eskimos). 

With an introduction like that, it must be pretty obvious what my topic is today. I'm sure you can tell by the headline/title. No? Sorry. I'm sticking to the rock and roll thing. Anyhow, it's about television, obviously.

There are theories (and facts) postulating that the television signals we bounce off up into space will one day be intercepted by alien races, and that television will tell them all they need to know about our Earth culture. I know... scary when you think about stuff like that now, isn't it?

While I am sure that the social repercussions of American television programs like The Arsenio Hall Show and My Mother The Car, and Canadian shows like The Trouble With Tracy have not yet been fully felt by people here, but what about Japan's contributions to a close encounter of the 1st kind (detection. 2nd kind is sight, and 3rd is physical contact)?

A quick perusal of Japanese television will probably leave many an alien scratching their heads (I'm assuming they will have more than one head). There are many samurai dramas (the Japanese equivalent of the long extinct American western), inane quiz shows featuring the same 13 TV tarento (talents) on different programs wearing their silly-looking hats and costumes while hitting each other on the head...       

Have you ever seen one of these shows? Okay... I can't understand Japanese as well as the next guy (who in this case is Japanese), but it seems that the only people who win these quiz shows are the television talents! What about Joe Suzuki?

There are also a heck of a lot of fishing and cooking shows on standard Japanese television... and not to point fingers, because Canada and the U.S. also has a lot of     cooking and fishing shows... but now in 1990, they are only on Saturday mornings after the cartoons - and not on during the so-called prime-time. Who would want to watch television shows about cooking and fishing all day long? (In 2010, I see the irony here‚ as I will watch the 24-hour food network, and while I won't watch a fishing program, I have occasionally stopped by the 24-hour aquarium network to watch some fish swim around (it's for people who want an aquarium but don't really want an aquarium).

So here in the 9th paragraph, I finally have to come up with a topic for this stupid blog.

How about: 'television shows that revolve around food.'

After scanning the TV listings, I noticed a four-day average of 12 cooking programs. Now keep in mind that Japan's standard television only offers about 12 channels in total. These numbers do NOT include the fishing shows where they eat their catch and tell the camera how delicious it is.

Most of the food shows on in Japan are pretty normal, and offer advice on how to cook. I have no problem with this. My beef (no pun intended, because no one in Japan can afford beef) is with tv shows like: The Second Taxi Drivers Food Challenge. 

The concept behind this long television title is: cab drivers challenge each other to try and determine the species of fish while they are blindfolded. Uh... the cab drivers are blindfolded, not the fish... though I would imagine fish bondage might actually have been more interesting.

After the cab drivers stunning demonstration of knowledge of fish through sense of smell and touch (aka inhaling it and then fondling it), the cab drivers show off their superior culinary skills at making sushi - with different seafood critters.

Now, I know that fish species determination and sushi skills are what I look for in a cab driver whenever I'm drunk and need a ride somewhere - in fact, I'm going to suggest you ask for a salmon roll the next time you are in a Japanese cab. It can't be a one off thing - the show's producers obviously know something I don't, because this is the SECOND food challenge! 

Hey... this just hit me... maybe you could also ask a cad driver if they know of any good local restaurants they could suggest!

Another interesting program I like to watch seems to be an on-going one... involving sumo wrestlers. Who doesn't love sumo wrestlers?

In one episode, I watched them eat Chinese food. And, while they always seem to throw a lot of salt on their plate (HERE), they are full of insight on the cuisine. 

When asked for their opinion of a dish, they nod their head in appreciation and say, "Oishii desu (It's delicious). Slurp-slurp-gnaw-chew-slurp."

The sumo response is still infinitely better than that given by the annoying Japanese television talent. For them, it's always "Oishiiiiii!!!!!!" Just once I'd love to see someone eat the food, regurgitate the stuff and say it tastes like crap. 

Why do Japanese people and Canadian writers like to watch television programs about other people eating food? I wish I knew.

Somewhere watching what I eat,

Andrew Joseph

Today's title is sung by Lenny Kravitz: FARE

Give Me Some Money

Guess what I've seen on television here in Japan? American icons in Japanese commercials that may never see the light of day outside of this country.

I saw Michael Jackson hawking a new Sega video game - Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Yes, that's what I said, too. I asked my students about it - and while the one or two who knew what I was talking about and like the Thriller album, no tone said they wanted to buy or play that particular video game. Strangely enough, they were representative of the rest of the world. See the commercial here: CROTCHGRAB

The commercials over here are bizarre - picture if you will a beautiful  Japanese woman looking intently at a cup of noodles. She picks up her chopsticks with great aplomb and digs in with exuberance. She slurps them up really loudly. Disgustingly so. It kind of takes the sexiness of her right out of the equation. Apparently slurping up noodles loudly is a sign of... something. I have no idea. It's just something that is done by everyone here. Anyhow, I couldn't find that commercial, but here's a BETTER ONE .

I tried to fit in by slurping a bowl of noodles, but all I did was splatter liquid all over my shirts. Maybe I'll learn to slowly slurp and chew my noddles while making a slurping sound - to pretend I'm fitting in?

Or maybe I could just start drinking energy drinks to really be the life of the party. There's a commercial of Arnold Schwarzenegger hawking an energy drink called Alinamin V. He looks like a square at first (AET), is invited to drink, so he has the vitamin drink and turns into a superior drinker called the Terminator. Okay, not really, but check out the hair. It's like Coke in a bottle - cocaine, that is. Check it out: GOVERNOR

And then there's a commercial with Sylvester Stallone! Let me tell ya, no one over here will ever know he can't speak English. Yo! I don't even know what that ham is selling. ADRIAN!

Pierce Brosnan doing a Japanese cigarette commercial, I can understand - he's James friggin' Bond, and Bond at least smokes. SHAKEN

But check out these ads by David Lynch for Georgia Coffee - HERE. Georgia Coffee is owned by the Coca-Cola Company, and Georgia Coffee is a cold coffee with sugar and "cream/milk" in a thin can. I don't drink coffee circa 1990, but it is a fine cuppa joe. David Lynch created Twin Peaks - a very bizarre television show which had some air play in Japan for a few months in 1990.

Not much else to say at this time - just that even though I had previously thought Japan's television shows were warped, but so are its commercials - especially when American actors come over and hawk a product they've never heard of. It's pure Americana. It's also pure Japanese. I love it.

Take a look at this wonderful site for American-Japanese commercials: Blech.
Google for American actors Japanese commercials and see what you come up with.

Somewhere having an Alinamin V,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Spinal Tap - It Goes To 11

Communication Breakdown

Here are 10 things everyone should know about Japan:

1. Everyone under 18 has black hair - see class trip to Nikko at right.

2. If there is any space available, they put a rice field or a 7-11 or a pachinko parlour on it.

3. Japan is not infested with evil giant talking robots. Some of them are quite small small and make good students.

4. Japanese condoms will not fit the average Canadian. Thank goodness.

5. They save money by not cooking their food.

6. They think rotting soy beans should be eaten - see Natto.

7. Everyone knows the theme song for the kid's television show Ultraman-7. Why are they singing part of it in English?!

8. They like to smoke and drink and sing and party to the wee hours of the evening.

9. Almost everyone has a radar detector, but can't speed because of the constant gridlock in the big cities or the goat paths cum roads in the small towns.

10. They all speak better English after half a bottle of sake.

Somewhere singing about robotic superheroes,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Led Zeppelin: ROCK ON!

Comfortably Numb

I've been asked a few times by the locals: "How do you live comfortably in Japanese Society?" It's a strange question... how does on live comfortably or otherwise in any society without simply being yourself? I suppose it's merely a knack some peoplpe have of being able to exist with community standards.
In Japan, we (the foreigner) are often subjected to pointing and rude staring and basic name calling - the dreaded 'gaijin' word. As mentioned many a time previously, gaijin quite literally translates into 'outsider'. To me, being called a gaijin is all in the way the word is said. I've only ever heard the word said to me in a manner that denoted surprise - "Holy crap! A foreigner!" (Hora! Gaijin-da!) It's a common word that the Japanese use, and I think when they use it they aren't necessarily trying to be rude.
Regardless, many of the foreigners in Japan quite simply can't handle being called a gaijin, and opt out of the country the first chance they get. We saw about four people of our 53 Tochigi-ken AETs (Assistant English Teachers) on the JET programme leave after only a couple of months here. 
Others try to understand the reasons for the reactions they garner while walking down the street.
I, myself, have always been a gaijin in every country I've ever lived in. I was born in England, raised in Canada by Indian parents - it's something that perhaps has helped blunt myself to actions others feel is racial ignorance. In Canada, I am a minority. In Japan, I am a foreigner. Which is worse? Well... I'm supposed to be a Canadian, NOT a minority.
When I first arrived here in the somewhat rural city of Ohtawara in Tochigi-ken, I was (past tense??!!) something of a freak. An attraction. A foreigner. I used to get several 'gaijin' shouts a day as I walked downtown or past the local farms. However, perhaps it's because of my high visibility at the local bars (heb-bi du-rin-ka), restaurants, department stores and, of course, schools, people became used to me.
I was no longer a 'gaijin' - I was, and am, merely An-do-ryu sensei (Andrew teacher), a humourous guy from Canada... though that may not be overly obvious from this particular blog.
I read about the 'living comfortably' question in a Japanese English-language daily newspaper (the Daily Yomiuri) and really gave it some thought.
Until that moment, I wasn't really aware at just how comfortable I was in Japanese society. Let's see: I enjoy eating at the fastfood restaurant Mosburger; I really like to watch the comedian Shimura Ken on television even though I don't understand all of what goes on; I like to have a good time with my friends and co-workers and students; I religiously watch sumo wrestling tournaments and baseball; I have an aquarium with goldfish; I have a bonsai tree; I eat Japanese food - I just need to have a full-time Japanese girlfriend, and the way things are goiung with my current American girlfriend, that too shall come to pass.
Some of the locals have assured me that I act like a typical Japanese person.
Interestingly enough, I think I've been acting like a Canadian.
I guess it's difficult to act different for everyone else, when you find that everyone else is basically the same as you. People are people everywhere you go.

Somewhere tearing down walls,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Pink Floyd from their awesome album, The Wall. Even if you aren't interested in Rock and Roll, do yourself a favour and at least read the lyrics. Whew.

Video Killed The Radio Star

Since I 'work' as an Assistant English Teacher (AET) in Japan, I am usually afforded large amounts of free time to take care of pressing personal matters like: "What video should I rent?" or "How many videos should I rent?" or "Which video should I watch first?" I would watch television if there was something half-decent on, but that is an increasingly rare moment.

For those of us foreigners with a bilingual television (Bilingual televisions have three settings: one that can pick up just the Japanese signal; one that can pick up an English signal if available from the Japanese networks; and one that picks up both the Japanese and English signals at the same time and in stereo, which I am unsure why anyone would need), we are given the opportunity to watch classic American television programs or translated news broadcasts for the increasingly inert, or terrible movies that you would never have watched in the movie theatre but desperation caused you to rent just last week. For further clarification, it's mostly movies available on Peachtree TV (formerly Ted Turner's TBS). Bleagh.

I often (offen) wonder if Japanese people ever watch these Yankee shows and believe America to mirror the program. Do the natives know that Little House On The Prairie is supposed to have taken place in the past and is not representative of the current mid-West?

So. Lesson #1 is that Little House On The Prairie took place in America sometime before the Japanese invented the White Car - maybe during the 1950s.

You think I'm joking, right? Well, when I say I'm from Canada, I am always asked back if I know Anne? Anne, who? Oh, Anne of Green flippin' Gables. Do the Japanese think Newfoundland looks like it does in the TV movies. If they do, they are sadly mistaken... Hmm, come to think of it, that was a poor example ... Newfoundland does still look like it did back in the 19th century.

Can you imagine the image conjured up of of the U.S. if the Japanese were exposed to All In The Family and its racist undertones. "See American's hate koko-jin's (Blacks), too!". Or how about M.A.S.H.: "See, we're not the only ones who hate the Koreans!"

In deference to AITF, I realize it poked fun at the stupidity of racism. And M.A.S.H did the same, while taking the monkey out of the glory of war. Both of these shows exhibited classic social commentary on our lifestyles that made a person think through laughter.

But, and there's the big but... the Japanese do NOT have any true television sitcoms, and thus have never been able to laugh at their own misgivings. There are samurai dramas, cooking shows, cooking shows, variety shows and cooking shows.

Perhaps if these classic American programs were shown here the social commentary would be lost.

Ah... but people in glass houses should not throw stones.

In good old America, land of the free if you have the money (and the U.K. and Canada, too!), cartoons are being altered so as to not mentally scar the children. Bugs Bunny and even Disney cartons are routinely pruned of material currently deemed to be offensive before being aired on television.
Bugs Bunny Nips The Nips.
Coal Black And De Sebben Dwarfs.
Donald Duck in Der Fuehrer's Face.
The Smurfs, Care Bears. Ugh.... okay, the only offensive thing about those later two cartoons is that they suck, and the previous three were WWII or previous, back when being racist must have been cool or something - how else to explain this Parker Brother's board game:

As well, some North Americans probably watched AITF and cheered on Archie Bunker.

Why are there no Japanese comedy sitcoms? Why are there so many cowboy serials (Japanese samurai dramas)... the U.S. grew out of that when Gunsmoke died in 1975.

Let's see - how to bring television in Japan into the present... the police drama in Japan... you never hear much about Japan's police like you do in North America... so maybe it's not a hot topic.
The Fujiwara (Brady) Bunch - naw... no one has hair of gold like their mama-san.
Hospital drama... maybe this one would work. Who wouldn't like watching a show about someone sick and then getting a diagnosis that entailed them getting some strange purple powder cure-all? Naw... too obvious, like an episode of House.
(My three visits to the hospital all involved the same purple powder cure, despite it varying from: gastroentroitis; a scratched cornea; and a bad back. This is not a joke).

Actually, I think the television landscape is determined by the work environment. In Japan, the workers do crazy hours, come home, eat and pretty much pass out asleep before getting up to do it again. Who has time to watch some other person's stupid life when they don't have one themselves?  

There have been numerous reports of Japanese workers working themselves to death. As well, in Japan, it's considered bad form for the lowly worker to leave the workplace before his superior does. I did all the time - but then I'm just a stupid gaijin (foreigner), so I had a built-in excuse. Leaving early gave me more free time to watch television... too bad there was nothing on the six national networks or seven regional affiliates out of Tokyo. This was before satellite television.

There was one show I enjoyed, however... the Shimura Ken variety show.
Click HERE to find out a bit about Ken, and click HERE to see a few examples of his physical comedy that is still understandable without knowing Japanese. And yes... I wrote this before seeing what was written on the video site.

On top of my viewing of this weekly show (Wednesday night at 8PM), Matthew, Ashley and I enjoyed the numerous video tapes regularly sent to us by our families. Despite their kindness, I still managed to find the free time to rented over 500 movies in three years. I had a lot of free time.

Somewhere still watching television,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title brought to you by the Buggles, who also happened to have the very first video played on MTV on August 1, 1981. Okay.. HERE it is.

Life Is A Carnival

Saturday, November 3, 1990

I’m up at 7:30AM and I already feel exhausted thanks to the drinks and the panic. I dress in jeans and a t-shirt and head over to the festival located at the Nihon Tobacco Company Grounds, find the stage set up for my big radio interview that will apparently be done live on-stage for the town to see. I see the happy Mayor Sembo who comes over to shake my hand. The radio crew see him talking to me and figure I must be the guy they are going to interview. They are correct.
My first question by the CRT Tochigi radio network is in Japanese. I answer them with a flat “No.” They all look horrified. So, I smile like I’m joking and say I don’t speak Japanese.
The lady disc jockey asking the questions smiles and asks me her question in English – thank goodness it’s the real basic stuff, which she can easily translate back into Japanese for her audience.
"What do you think of Ohtawara?"
"How are the students?"
"Do you like Japanese girls?" She said this and squeezed my left leg just above my knee.
There were a few other questions, but after she squeezed my leg, I don't remember specifics... I'm sure I supplied candid rote answers. When it was over (after five minutes), she squeezed my leg again. She’s cute, but seems kind of old – maybe 40. (I see the irony of writing this out in the blog at the age of 45).
I wander around the festival and meet three girls from New Zealand – 14 and under, named Fiona, Rebecca and Melissa (see photo) who are in Japan because their dad is working for a Japanese company on a six month exchange. The youngest, Fiona, catches a goldfish for me in a game of chance, as I mentioned I have an aquarium.
These young kids like me because I don’t treat them like kids… I treat them like people. Everybody’s happy. And then I run into Ashley. She seems distant and bitchy and is looking for the Ohtawara Friendship Association. I accidentally steer her the wrong way before realizing it’s only about 15 feet from where I’m chatting with the Kiwi’s.
After she tracks them down, Ashley comes back to inform me that they want me to come and play the clarinet. I tell them I forgot mine at home in the rush this morning. She tells me they have one waiting for me. Zoinks!
While trying to tell them my ribs were still hurting from the car-bicycle accidents and it’s difficult to blow, they pretend they don’t understand English. Which they don't, so I'm screwed.
I play something for them – St. Louis Blues – a Dixieland piece (the clickable version is kindda how I played it, but with the clarinet doing the lead) to raucous applause, do some bowing, grab a Coke and leave to go purchase a table with short legs made of some very dark wood. The table sits maybe four inches high. I don’t know what to do with it, but it looks cool.
When I return, I see Ashley. Apparently she’s mad at me and gives me the whole Spanish Inquisition routine as she tortures me about my lack of religious conviction... and nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. I’m not sure where that came from. But I can’t defend myself to someone who knows they are right and that you are wrong.
Why am I even in this relationship? Oh yeah, the convenience of sex.
She heads over to my place later that evening, we have a spaghetti dinner and watch Quantum Leap, Letterman and Saturday Night Live.
She’s probably asking herself why she’s in the relationship. Oh yeah, food and television.
We go to bed and she hits me with the religion stuff again. I walk out into my living room and have half a bottle of Kaluha - the real hard stuff. Ten minutes later she comes out, apologizes, and we go back to my bedroom.
Angry make-up sex is good, or at least I assume it’s good for her. Half a bottle of Kaluha makes things impossible me.
I don't even know what the festival was for.
Somewhere looking for a happy ending,
Andrew Joseph

Birthday

Today, in 2010, November 8 is my birthday.
My first birthday in Japan was spent like this:
I was watching an old television show called THUNDERBIRDS. It was all in Japanese, but I recall watching it in English when I was a wee brat in England.
Yes, they made a crappy live-action movie in the 2000s - but back in the 60s, Gerry Anderson was churning out marionette tv shows - hitting gold with Thunderbirds. How popular were the Thunderbirds? My students thought it was cool - and there was even a Nintendo video game for them - all in Japanese, unfortunately.
I was also able to buy a myself a model kit of the vehicles for  3000 yen ($30) - see above. Yes, it's sad but true - I still have the box.
I suddenly felt a stirring in my brain as I espied a female "puppet" who seemed familiar. A few minutes of patience bore me out - it was Tin-Tin... she was the girlfriend of Alan Tracy (hero), and the daughter of the servant, Kyrano, to the Tracy family - who happened to be the brother of their arch foe, The Hood.
As a child I was so smitten by this charmingly beautiful marionette (CLICK HERE) that in 1967 I named the best present I ever got from my folks after her. She was a Blue Roan English Cocker Spaniel - and she was and is beautiful... the gold standard that every one of my subsequent dogs has had to measured against - and despite all being fantastic creatures in their own right, still managed to pale in comparison.
A phone call home was inevitable.
By the way, Tin-Tin is Malaysian for 'Sweet'... but in Japanese, due to the fact that there is no "Ti" alphabet, they use "Chi"... so we get Chin-Chin - which might be a form of 'cheers' when drinking, but in Japanese it happens to be slang for 'penis'.
I didn't tell my students about my dog's name. 
Somewhere, F.A.B. (Full Acknowledgment of Broadcast)
Andrew Joseph
PS - Thanks to my recent move, I can't find a photo of Tin-Tin. But I have the model kit box. Go figure.
PPS: Title by The Beatles

Paradise By The Dashboard Light

One September night, I took a rare night off. There was no after-school teaching at the Ohtawara Friendship Association, no Ashley or Matthew over, and no phone calls to other AETs (Catherine Komlodi or Kristine South), whom I had huge crushes on.
Heading home on a week-night after a pleasant day of team-teaching at Sakuyama Junior High School in the south end of Ohtawara (a 20-minute car drive away from the downtown core where I lived), I visited a small grocer to see what pre-cooked meals they offered.
Hey… I’m all about convenience. It probably explains why I only had crushes on the two vastly different women mentioned above. Cryptic? Another blog.
Anyhow, I purchased a 2-litre bottle of Coke (my preferred choice of suicide) and a pre-cooked tonkatsu meal – breaded, deep-fried pork on rice with a nice thick Bulldog sauce—(this LINK has it all) that I only had to heat up in my microwave oven.
Yummers. Geez. Did I actually write that word. Sorry.
While this following statement might sound ridiculously inaccurate to my wife, back then I had a dining room table and I actually sat there while eating my dinner. I did have the television on, though.
It was 6:35PM, and a baseball game had just started between the perennial great Toyko Yomiuri Giants of the Central League and the Kintestsu Buffaloes of the Pacific League – both played in the Nippon Professional Baseball (NPB – akin to MLB in North America).
The Giants were/are owned by the Yomiuri newspaper—a daily Japanese paper that offers some national Japanese news, as well as the foreign stuff. There’s even an English version of it that I received at my doorstep every morning. I know I didn’t sign-up for it. I never ever paid a newspaper boy for it, and until this very moment never questioned who was paying for it on my behalf. Probably the OBOE. Thank-you!
Here’s a baseball lesson.
The Kintetsu team (not the pork tonkatsu team) was owned by the Kinki Nippon Railway Co. (later the Kintetsu Corp.), and was known through the years as the Kintetsu Pearls (1950-1958), Kintetsu Buffalo (1959-1961), Kintetsu Buffaloes (1962-1998) and Osaka Kintetsu Buffaloes (1999-2004).
Unbeknownst to me in 1990, in 2004 the team was sold to Orix Group—the owner of the Orix Blue Wave baseball team. The new owner merged the two teams into the Orix Buffaloes.
The Giants? Those guys are the New York Yankees of Japanese baseball. Sadaharu Oh holds the record for most homeruns in a career with 868. The Giants won nine Japanese League titles prior to 1950 when the NPB started and have since won 20 more championships.
These Giants are named after and have uniforms similar to the former New York and now San Francisco Giants—perennial also-rans to the evil empire that is the Yankees.
After finishing my meal, I laid down on my couch and gently rubbed the bruised areas of my body that still hurt a week after being hit by a car or two.
I should note that earlier this week I was hit a second time – this time right in downtown Ohtawara--and when you are hit in the downtown area, it hurts. I flipped over my handle bars and actually landed on the car’s front hood. I was okay – Japanese cars are mostly plastic. He popped his hood opened, pushed up on it from below and snapped it back into shape – none the worse for wear… although it’s possible I did get a concussion—I’m unsure as I did briefly pass-out.
Back to the couch. I curled up with a Japanese comic book purchased last blog while down in Tokyo with Matthew, and only half-glanced at the television while the game went on.
My telephone rang a few times—but since I was getting annoying phone calls from some Japanese woman who couldn’t speak English, I decided to ignore it—even if it was from any of the people mentioned above. Actually, I knew it wasn’t Kristine, as she was long-distance, and the phone rings differently.
By 8:45PM, it was apparent that Japanese comic books are not understandable by someone with zero Japanese language abilities, so I looked closer at the ensuing baseball game.
It was a tight one, with the Giants and Buffaloes tied at 3 in the 8th inning. The Buffaloes had this whiz kid pitcher named Hideo Nomo who had a twisty tornado-style delivery. The kid was a rookie, and was after his 18th win of the season against 8 losses. Instant favourite player as I watched him whiff a couple of Giants while throwing it 153kph (95mph).
With the Buffaloes going 1-2-3 in the top of the ninth, the Giants were up. It was just about to turn 9PM when the television station immediately shifted programming to some inane Japanese western—a samurai drama.
What the fa-?
What happened to the game? Surely it was accidentally switched at the TV station?
I waited a minute… then another… then another. It never came back. The game had gone the way of the samurai (except for this show which was entering its 14 year on tv).
Because the next day was Friday, I went to the OBOE and asked Hanazaki-san what was going on.
He shook his head and said that there is only two-and-a-half hours allotted to the televised baseball games, and if it goes over, too bad for the sports viewer.
I explained how sports in Canada and the U.S. seem to have a precedence over other televised properties, and you could see the tears welling up in Hanazaki-san’s eyes as I described what could only be the promised land for him.
He told me that that is the way things have always been for sports in Japan, and that the Japanese were not likely to change, because change doesn’t necessarily mean change for the better.
I told him it would, in this, be a change for the better. He sharply sucked air between his teeth, and nodded meekly and said that for all things Japanese, change is very difficult.
Ah so-ka (oh, I get it).
I then asked him about Japan inviting all of us foreigner AETs into the country to teach the kids English and internationalization—what about that, then?
He laughed, slapped me on my hurt shoulder (I wish I hadn’t taught them that) and said, “tabun” (maybe).
While I later learned that the Japanese have 47 different ways of saying ‘maybe’ (including sucking air between the teeth) , my ignorance of social custom made me believe I had made them believe that change was possible. Just not likely.
Later that night, the same two teams locked up again and this time made it to extra-innings before the broadcast switched out.
Months later in April of 1991, when Japan came out with its first set of baseball cards, my rookie card of ROY (Rookie-of-the year) Hideo Nomo showed that he had indeed won 18 games. Years later (in 1994)  Nomo-san became the first Japanese-born player to play in the MLB for the Dodgers. At least it wasn’t the Yankees.
Somewhere, this swinger had a miss.
Andrew Joseph

PS: In the photo below the title: that’s my dog Buster wearing my Kintetsu Buffaloes cap with my mint rookie card of Hideo Nomo. Buster later ate the cap believing it to be tonkatsu. He doesn’t like Bulldog sauce. He does like Meatloaf, who also sang today's title song.

Plastic Fantastic Lover

Crayon Shin-chan is a delightful children’s animated program in Japan that highlights gross examples of child abuse and skimpy two-dimensional art. At least it’s better than that standard Japanimation crap featuring characters with overly large round eyes. And don’t even get me started on Japanese manga (comicbook). Okay, maybe later.
As of this writing (19 years later), I have seen exactly two episodes of the show - half of which (50%) feature some violent beatings of a five-year-old boy. I have a boy who’s almost five in another year-and-a-half, so that coupled with my viewing history of the cartoon makes me some sot of expert, and thus I feel qualified to write about it.
In one instance, Shinnosuke (Crayon Shin-chan) Nohara is having a level-headed conversation with his “okaaaaaa-saaaaaan!” (oka-san is Japanese for mother, but the long, drawn out way I have written it is the way all Japanese kids scream it. So I have written it fo-net-ick-ca-lee/phonetically). Anyhow, the next moment, we see his mother’s face contort into an expression of pure loathing. Next we see an image of stars that is used to obstruct the view of the real goings-on.
When the barrier is finally removed, poor Shin-chan has a bump on his head the size of a large rice ball. Remember that he’s only five-years-old, so a throbbing (perhaps oozing) melon-sized mound of flesh on his head is even larger, relatively speaking.
Shin is usually oppressed by his mother, though sometimes Papa likes to get involved in the melee. Now he doesn’t use a belt like our dad used on our behind. Nope. He doesn’t even use an open hand smack like a sumo wrestler might. Rather he uses a closed fist and drives his knuckles down onto the skull of his poor defenseless son – just like in pro-wrestling.
Shin-chan sometimes gets double-teamed by his oka-san and oto-san (father). Hey, shouldn’t he be at work for his 12-hour day, or smoking beside a pachinko machine spending the pittance he earns, or out drinking whiskey with his friends (IE co-workers) while squeezing the breasts of a local bar-fly (also known as a mama-san)?
Unfortunately, the little fellow (Shin-chan ends up with a pair of goose-eggs on his noggin that could fit into a D-cup brassiere (not generally available in Japan) snugly.
With all of the raps to the head, it’s no wonder (in the episode I saw) he was taken for a walk by his inu (dog), Shiro (in English, his name is Whitey). No, this time, it’s not a typo. This is a tpyo. His little friends look on in fright as Shin-chan began barking and sniffing their backsides.
The dog, in typical Japanese fashion, let his pet boy make as much noise as it wanted, seemingly oblivious to the please of the ravaged youngsters to remove the fuzzy little Crayon Shin-chan from their legs.
I’m sure most of you dear readers are as disgusted as I am at what I have just presented to you. Good. Perhaps with your help we can have the little bugger removed from the ‘care’ of his parents and placed into a different time-slot when I am home more often.
So why bring all of this up? No one seems to think that physically abusing a small boy in anger is a bad thing here. While the boy certainly says and does things to tick off his parents, the perceived violence is shocking. That’s just bizarre.
It is a funny show apparently, but it doesn’t quite translate well. You may judge for yourself by clicking HERE to watch a Japanese-language episode--I couldn't find the uber-violent one.
And speaking of bizarre, on a different subject, I once went through a tv listing for the week and found over 40 shows (60%of the total programs) have a food/or cooking related theme. This is years before the specialty channels made their debut.
The weirdest one I saw was the 2nd Taxi Driver Food Challenge where contestants (cabbies, I assume) are blindfolded and have to guess what single item food they are tasting. Yes, it’s the second one of these shows. Iron Chef was on at this time, but without the silly English translations, it wasn’t that interesting a show.
So, why am I talking about food when I started this blog out with cartoon violence? Her's the bridge: my Crayon Shin-chan chopsticks. I figured nearly 20 years ago that I might have kids I'd enjoy beating, I mean feeding.
Somewhere playing with my remote control,
A. Cartoon Joseph
Title is by the Jefferson Airplane - not Jefferson Starship, Starship or The Great Society.

Twist And Shout

Welcome to Day 4 in Ohtawara (one weak in Japan. Yes, the spelling is intentional).
It’s early in August 1990 for those of you ensuring my continuity remains intact.

Like August in Toronto, August in Ohtawara is hot and humid. It was about 34C not including the humidity, and considering my part of the world was considered sub-tropical, I was moist. My apartment lacked air-conditioning, but at least when I opened up the windows and doors I was able to let even more hot, wet air in.
Still, because of the newness of the situation: new country, new friends, my first ever apartment, I wasn’t going to complain. Everything was beautiful.
Heck, even though my 24-inch television only got 12 channels (that’s all there were – remember, this is pretty much before satellite TV and before Bob Dole invented the Internet!), three of the stations played American shows every once in a while: like the aforementioned Incredible Hulk, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and Dynasty. What was particularly cool was that these stations broadcast their signals with a bilingual feed/cut, meaning if you had a bilingual television, you could hit a button and either watch it in English, Japanese or a mish-mash of both.
I had a bilingual television. I also had a built-in VTR (video tape recorder that we used to call a video cassette recorder). I didn’t have anything to watch, however.
Aside from Holmes, I pretty much watched Japanese television – especially the cartoons. I figured if a young Japanese child can understand it, I might be able to. I also like cartoons.
As for food – ah, what’s a guy to do? Because this was my first time away from home – ever – I really had no clue how to cook. Or even how to shop for food. Add to that the fact that I didn’t really know where to shop and I had problem.
Luckily my fridge was pre-filled with foods my Japanese bosses thought the average Canadian might like: daikon radishes, Japanese pears, pineapple, artichoke (it might’ve choked Artie, but it ain’t gonna choke Andrew, and some canned beverages called Pocari Sweat, and Calpis. What the heck is that? For the uninitiated, I personally have kept six Coca-Cola bottling plants in operation thanks to my consumption and subsequent elevated blood-sugar levels (Coke Zero for me, now).
I swear, these guys must be watching me - like I’m part of some television show – but the doorbell rang. There was Hanazaki-san offering to take me out to the local grocery/department store.
He drove me out to a place called Iseya (e-say-ya), about two minutes from my place – it was large and was set up the way most Walmart’s are nowadays… a full grocery store combined with a department store – including a kiosk where I could get film developed (anyone else remember film for camera’s? It’s why I have to scan my thousands of photos first before putting them online!)
Iseya had all of the food types I needed. Bread, luncheon meats, mayo, hamburger, veggies, cup of soups, fruits, milk, juice and gawd-help me, Coke. All of which I bought and paid for myself with the remnants of money I brought with me from Toronto. Despite having been set up with a bank account, I don’t think I was paid yet for only four days of being in Ohtawara – or maybe I was? No one told me.
I tried to take food items that required very little cooking skill, as I had never actually cooked anything before and had little desire to know how quick the fire department could respond.
Satisfied with my purchase, and making Hanazaki-san proud of my purchase of the daikon radish and the Japanese pears, he dropped me off home convinced I might actually survive my time here.
I bought the Calpis, but not the Pocari Sweat, as that was still in my fridge daring me to crack it open. I’m not sure I want to drink sweat – who’s sweat was it? Besides, the humidity was providing me with enough sweat of my own, thank-you.
Realizing that I came to Japan to try new things – and not because I was trying (still) to get laid – I tried the Calpis. Cow-piss is more like it. Ugh. It’s a milky-watery beverage that tastes like bad yogurt, and is full of lactose – or so I learned much to my lactose-intolerant regret.
Twenty minutes later, I was in my library/washroom with my intestinal tract twisting and screaming.
I feared my insides were ripping apart, as the pain was so intense that it felt like the walls to my bathroom were shaking. While my stomach suddenly stopped spasm-ing, I noticed that the walls continued to shake.
I could hear things falling from their perch in my kitchen and living room. I could hear the pipes groaning.
It was an earthquake! My first ever!
And here I was, in the bathroom. It’s strange the thoughts that enter one’s head when you think you are going to die, but I immediately thought about how embarrassed my folks would be when they heard of this indignity.
He died with his pants down around his ankles – but at least he didn’t soil himself.
It was over in about 30 seconds. I sat there for another minute afraid to move.
When I finally did move, I opened up the bathroom door and peeked out. It looked the same. I got up went to the living room and picked up the few items that had fallen during the quake and walked outside onto my balcony to see if my neighbourhood was okay.
People were out of their homes and were laughing and slapping each other on the back and having a smoke. No one showed any sign of panic.
Why were they so calm? Does this happen often? Mom? Dad? Get me the hell out of here!

Somewhere squeezing the Charmin,
Andrew Sensurround Joseph
Musical title by The Isley Brothers (not The Beatles, who also did a fantastic version of the Isley's Bros. hit).