Japan No Pain For-rrre! Tiger Woods

More power to you Tiger Woods. Okay... the world's best golfer screwed up big time in his personal life, but at least he still has golf. Okay... he's hurt and can't play golf... but at least he still has all of those mega-millions of dollars - and if he converted it to Japanese Yen, it would seem like he'd be a gazzillionaire!

Anyhow... Tiger Woods is rehabbing his knee and other aches and pains, and is not currently playing any golf. Hate him or love him, golf is pretty damn boring without him. Plus, he's colourful (if you know what I mean), in a drab sort of way (if you've ever heard him speak).

He has nothing but time on his hands and a plethora of lost advertising contracts thanks to his messy break-up with his wife and the allegations of him stepping out with umpteen women who look like they could be porn stars, escorts or working at a Hooters restaurant.

Contracts lost include: Accenture, Gillette, PepsiCo and AT&T. But, just last week - July 1, 2011, Tiger appeared in a television commercial in good, ol' Japan.

Getting paid rather than laid, Tiger did a 30-second spot for the Kowa Company Ltd. and its Vantelin Kowa heat rub for aches and pains. Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife only assumes it's not the type of rub he is used to, but we applaud him just the same.

Here... have a LOOK:

Hmmmm... isn't there already a heat rub called Tiger Balm? It's been around since the 1870s? From Singapore? I've used it and might even have a bottle or two around the home. I don't think it ever goes bad, unlike that other Tiger.

Kowa Company really has nothing to lose by using a disgraced athlete like Tiger... I mean - look! It's mentioned here and in other venues, so this company that no one ever heard of outside of Japan has just bought itself some great advertising.

There is no word on how much money Tiger is getting for his sterling work in the commercial, but we assume it is a fair chunk of change.

By the way... this is Tiger's second Japanese commercial, having done one in 1997 for Asahi Soft Drinks for their canned coffee. He got $11-million for that.

Despite not playing much these past 12 months - and certainly not winning anything, Tiger did take in $75-million. ... and this is taking into account he lost $35-million from his lost sponsorships.

Tiger, Tiger burning bright.
In the forests of the night
What immortal hand or eye,
Can frame thy fearful symmetry.

That's part of a poem by William Blake written in 1794 from his Songs Of Experience.    

Apparently that television camera can frame his fearful symmetry.

My only complaint regarding the commercial, however, is that right at the end when Tiger says his line (Cut-to! Take-o Scene-nu 47!), he smiles broadly for a second before it quickly diminishes. Hopefully the cream wasn't burning his back!

Still, good for Tiger. And remember kids: no pain, no gain.

Somewhere wondering if Tiger still has his little black book,
Andrew Joseph
PS, and if you would like me to suggest a song for this, we humbly suggest: Love Me Tender by Elvis Presley. Why Love Me Tender? Gawd... you're going to make me write this aren't you? Okay... you all know I love Japan and the Japanese, right? Well, many times while singing in a Japanese Karaoke Bar, that particular song would come up and would be crooned by hordes of drunken Japanese businessmen. Unfortunately, every time I heard it sung in Japan, it sounded like: Rub Me Tender, as many Japanese have great difficulty in pronouncing the letter "L", as it does not exist in the Japanese alphabets.
PPS: I like William Blake's artwork, having seen many of his traveling exhibits, and own a few books. But that poem... it doesn't rhyme. Sure it does on paper if you were to rhyme eye with symme-try... but it is pronounced symme-tree. I know, poetry lovers will tell you it doesn't need to rhyme. I think it does, otherwise it's just really, really, really, really, really short fiction. Check it out... I'm a poet! No, my words don't rhyme, but in my head they do and you should all respect that. I'm also laughing in my head. Damn echo. cho-cho-co-co-o-.

Step By Step

It's Saturday, July 13, 1991. Ohtawara City, Tochigi Prefecture, Japan.
I've had a pretty good week. I'll be going on vacation soon having earned some well-deserved time-off from my job with the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) as an assistant English teacher (AET) on the Japan Exchange & Teaching (JET) Programme.

I'm awake at 9AM, but lie in bed fantasizing about my ex-girlfriend Ashley (another AET) who lives one town over. We've been apart for about a month now, and while I can get over not having her as a girlfriend, I just don't care for rejection. At all. It's a personal affront to my mental health. Like... what the hell is wrong with me? Nothing! Of course it's ego. I'm not stupid.
I don't think of myself as God's gift to women - far from it. But, I do want people to like me. And being rejected... well, I suppose it makes me a little squirrelly (nuts, that is).
With Ashley, I am at least trying to have her be a friend with benefits. A non-girlfriend with whom I can have sex with. Whatever our personality differences ( I have a personality), we still enjoyed each others physical company.
I finish up at 9:30AM and wash up before heading out to the bank to get some money for Dan and the motorcycle I'm going to purchase tomorrow. Yes... you heard right.
I do a quick shop for food and then purchase a small 2,000 piece puzzle. Over Christmas, I put together a 5,000 piece puzzle of the Universe. It was black with a lot of white specks. I didn't sleep for two days while I went crazy trying to put it together. Then I realized I was crazy and went to sleep, got some sleep and then assembled it rather quickly.
At home, I tidy up. Put clean sheets on my bed and start doing the border of the puzzle (It's a puzzle of a Japanese ukiyo-e... of a kimono-clad woman).
Putting it away, I watch a few videos until the doorbell rings at 4PM.
It's Ashley, right on time for our dinner here at my place. Step 1 - Complete
She looks great. Still a bit over-weight after breaking up with me, but she's a sight for these sore eyes.
We watch McGyver, go out on our bicycles and rent a couple more movies and then cook a dinner of Tacos.
While I cook, Ashley sits in the kitchen on a chair with wheels. Every now and then I push her all around the apartment to much amusement.
I also notice when I'm standing close to her that she doesn't shy away when my leg touches her. Step 2 - Complete
We drink a lot of beer (Step 3 - Complete) and begin watching the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Despite it being a kid's movie, it's one of my favourites—but just know that it was written by Ian Fleming who also created James Bond. Ever wonder where the tricked out cars came from? Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Ashley's movie choice was Nightmare on Elm Street. How can you not like a woman who likes horror movies?   
To continue the plan of seduction, I offered a back rub. She readily accepted. Step 4 - Complete
After a few moments of a real massage, I kiss the back of her neck. She doesn't flinch. Step 5 - Complete
So... forgetting the massage aspect, I keep kissing and licking her neck. As soon as I notice her close her eyes, I knew I had her. Step 6 - Complete
I pulled her around and kissed her hard. She responded the same. It was like we had never stopped being together.
We roll around the living room and knock over some beer. She wants to stop and help me clean it up, but I'm in the process of removing my pants, so screw that. Yes, I know what I wrote.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is now on permanent pause, though the Bang Bang begins in earnest now.
Step 7 - 71 - Complete. Yes, we even completed Step 69. D'uh.
I do notice, that the first time she straddled me, she didn't ask about a condom... which I have always worn.
Hunh. I guess she's feeling like she can trust me. That's a lot of pressure on a guy who wants to pop his cork. As I enter her, that first time ever bare feeling... I think I had an orgasm without the ejaculation.
Not wanting to take a chance, I pop a condom on and get to work, finishing up about 5 hours later at 2AM.
Now that was intense.
We exit my bedroom and pretend like we are interested in watching the rest of the movie. That lasts five minutes before we start again.
Finished, and sucking back a bottle of Coca-Cola apiece, we go back to the movie. She jumps me like 10 seconds later. Whoa! Where the hell was this when we were dating?! We're at it again... but then I tell her I think I'm dry.
I guess I shouldn't have masturbated twice earlier today.
We are both exhausted and sweaty with each other's scent all over us. We spoon and fall asleep... just like old times.
No mention of love was made. It was just pure, impure, raw animal sex.
I even sleep in the wet spot.

Somewhere unable to find a dry spot,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog is by:  New Kids On The Block. Hey... the lyrics fit the blog. HAIRGEL
PS: Tomorrow, I buy a motorcycle and some different type of riding. I'm already chaffing at the bit, so to speak.

Hot For Teacher

There’s a complete industry devoted to the garb of the female Japanese student. That’s me being polite. In this case, however, I’m not talking about the manufacturing of said clothing, rather the predilection of some people (men) who find the catholic school/naval uniform to be sexy. Here’s an example of a kids cartoon that men seem to like: CLICK
I thought it was a sexy look back in high school, but then again, a girl could have been wearing a garbage bag and I would have found it hot. This is not to demean the clothing worn by any of the women I dated, ‘dated’ or had a crush on while in Japan—though Kristine South recently described my choice of women in Japan as “flaky”. I can’t argue with that, Kristine.
Click HERE for an image of the Japanese school girl uniform. Do you know how difficult it was to find an image on-line that wasn’t overly sexual that would label me a pervert? (Be quiet, Matthew).
There are a plethora of men’s magazine’s in Japan, and in every single one of them you can find an adult female model dressed up (or down) in one of these skirts and blouses. Did you see that skirt? Pretty short, huh? Some of the high school girls—and the junior high school girls—just like the one’s in a school near you, would roll up the elastic waistband to make the skirts shorter.
Make-up and jewelry are strictly forbidden additions for the student while at school.
The Japanese teachers do check out the students—but not in the way you think. They check for shirts not tucked in properly, improper shoes, hair colour (like Henry Ford said: "You can have any color you want, as long as it's black.") and the aforementioned make-up jewelry—that includes watches—and I bet you they sure as heck don’t allow them to have cell phones, I-pods, Blackberry’s or any other handheld device. School is for learning. Socializing—that’s called school club activities (like on the tv show GLEE – watch it!).
While I did not ever see this at any of my seven schools, other AETs (Assistant English Teachers) did—and I even read quite a few news stories on it—but teachers would check female students to ensure that they were wearing the correct coloured panties (white, because white stands for purity… and the Japanese want to be pure. I didn’t make that up. I was told that by quite of few of the native Nihonjin {Japanese}). I believe that the news stories involved male teachers doing the checking, so at least there was some moral outrage.
So, to sum up. School girls wear what some consider to be a very sexy uniform. Girls will be girls and many try to make themselves more attractive to boys by shortening their skirts or wearing non-white underwear.
So… there I sat in the teacher’s room at one of the schools—let’s say, Kaneda Minami—after eating my lunch. I was writing down a few Japanese alphabet characters in a shoddy attempt to memorize them and was hunched over my papers when I suddenly felt two warm and soft hands on my shoulders.
I tensed up, but didn’t look around. Instead, I glanced straight across my desk to see a Japanese teacher sitting there having his back thump-thump-thumped by an attentive, acne-charged student. I wondered if my would-be masseuse was as oily a guy as his was.
Hazarding a glance, I espied a cute, young girl—a first year, Grade 7, 12-year-old—smiling at me asking: “An-do-ryu sensei, okay?” It was mostly English, so I said “hai” (yes), but not really understanding what I was hai-ing to.
That’s when she began lightly thumping me about the neck, back and shoulders with her balled up fists.
Just so we’re on the same page here—my back was and is crappy. I had a herniated disc and a disintegrating one, and sleeping on a wafer thin futon on a tatami (grass) mat really wasn’t doing it for me. I even wore a back-strap (brought with me from Toronto) to hold myself erect (I know there’s a joke there, too). 
Anyhow, I was enjoying the massage, drifting in and out of consciousness, when in a moment of clarity, I realized that the massage was now feeling different, and that something had moved. Fans of Seinfeld will know what I mean – not sure? Click HERE.
Being a decent guy (back then), I grabbed the hands working on me and turned around. Gone was the little girl. In her place was a very tall, well-built phys ed. teacher. And female. Very female. She looked at me and smiled, took her hands out from under mine and continued the massage. Glancing around me, I espied several young students staring at her with arms and faces crossed—like I was spoiling their fun. I noticed many of the other male teachers smirking at me—I caught the odd wink, too, as they shook their head and bellowed for a student to come over and work on their back.
Twenty minutes later, when I figured she had enough, I turned and said “Bikurishita. Domo arigato.” (Smokey Hokes! Thank you very much).
She was gorgeous. About the same age as me, 25, black shoulder length hair, tall – 5’10” or so, slender, but built. I quickly peeked at her left hand, and didn’t see a wedding ring (I know, Matthew). So I asked her: “Anatawa do-desu ka.” (ah-gnat-awa doe des ka means ‘How about you?’ – the word “ka” denotes a question – the Japanese do not use question marks in their written language!).
She leaned close to me and in a hushed, breathy voice answered into my ear: “Atode” (ah-toe-day, which means ‘afterwards’). It moved again, Jerry.
Now some of you might be saying – ‘Hey, you idiot! Don’t you have a girlfriend?’ Well, depending on the day of the week or the phase of the moon, I may or may not be dating my southern belle, Ashley. Unfortunately (or fortunately), we were dating, so I merely filed her response for atode should I ever require options.
After my masseuse departed my shoulders, a gaggle of students rushed over to continue.
Five minutes later when the school klaxon sirened denoting that lunch was over and classes were start about to start, my student masseuse, Kimiko Atsushi (Atsushi is the family name, and here in Japan the surname is said prior to the given name – ergo, Atsushi Kimiko or simply as Atsushi-san – in a more familiar setting, girls might be Kimiko-chan and boys might be YY-kun) bowed to me and left while I stammered my thanks.
She turned, came running back and handed me something. If you check out that photo below the title, you’ll notice that the teddy bear is holding a black, plastic gadget—a paw-held massage device for slapping yourself about the neck and shoulders.
I still use it 19 years-later.
Somewhere, my back still hurts.
Andrew Joseph
Title courtesy of Van Halen - with Dave Lee Roth singing!
PS:  I like how the bear knows where the camera is. Work it, baby. Work it!