I'm in Utsunomiya-shi (City of Utsonomiya), the capital of Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture) with my ex-girlfriend Ashley of Augusta, Georgia. We're staying at Susan St. Cyr's place in anticipation of a trip to Tokyo Disneyland today.
Back in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City) where I've been living since August of 1990, I left behind my girlfriend of the week - Junko - whose last name I don't know. We met at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School), one of the seven junior high schools I teach at in Ohtawara-shi. Junko was just there for the week, as she's a university student studying to be a teacher. She's 21, sexy, Japanese and so very much in lust or love with me.
I'm in lust with her - but she has to go back to school on Monday - wherever the heck that is. If she told me, I don't remember.
She begged me to come to Disneyland with me - but I said no. I didn't want to cause any problems between her, myself and Ashley, as I was still trying to get sex from my ex... not get back together as boyfriend and girlfriend.
I have NO idea why. Junko and I did the wild thing so many times between meeting on Monday and the last time on I saw her on Thursday, that would impress a porn star or a hooker.
So why would I want Ashley?
I'm going to keep asking myself that question for a few blogs more, if you all don't mind.
It's raining today - why? Because I'm traveling in Japan. I am already known as Ame Otoko (Rain Man) by the Japanese. Ye-ahhh, definitely going to rain. Definitely rain. Rain. Rain.
I was drunk the night before and in a piss-poor moody toward pretty much all women - still, I drag myself up at 9AMm and we're all out the door at 10AM.
We get on a Shinkansen (bullet train) and travel to Ueno-eki (Ueno station) in Tokyo. We then take a bus to Disneyland.
All the time on the bus, David (another AET = assistant English teacher) and Susan are asking Ashley and I if we really want to go - either because they know we are angry at each other or because they don't want to go either. But... I'm saying "yes". So's Ashley.
Susan and David sit beside each other - leaving Ashely with me. We begin to chat and then start goofing around - like friends.
At Disneyland we get in line to go on Space Mountain. Since it's raining, the line up is only 55 minutes long. That's sarcasm.
Everyone Japanese seems to be wearing plaid. It's funny - and we all start making plaid jokes - none of which I remember. Sorry. I guess you had to be there.
I don't know about you, but I have never been on a roller coaster before - which is what Space Mountain is. Still - since everyone else wants to - I have to pretend to be brave.
And you know what? It was great! Trying to act brave around a woman seemed to actually make me brave! I want to go again.
David, however... it wipes him out and needs to take a break. Wimp.
Susan, Ashley and I head for Alice's Tea Cup ride (from Alice In Wonderland - my favourite book!). You sit in a giant teacup and the cup and the other seven teacups (a platter) all spin round and around... and then I discovered that if you spin the wheel in the middle of the teacup, your teacup will do revolutions independent of the whole spinning platter of cups.
Being a devious bastard, I spin it hard and fast in an effort to make the women tipsy. So Ashley will be forced to use me as a crutch.
I spun it so hard and fast that I was sure they were going to be falling all over the place when we got out. Unfortunately, I did it too much so that it felt like my brain flipped upside down in my skull.
When it stopped... I crawled out. Literally on my hands and knees. Everyone thought the big dumb Andrew was faking because he's a joker.
Nope.
My head pounded like it was being hit by a brick and I felt like throwing up. It was worse because I had already eaten two large hot dogs and had a large Coke - so I had plenty of ammunition in my gut!
Yeah. David's the wimp. I was taken out by Alice in Wonderland's Tea Cup ride. How freaking embarrassing.
While Ashley, Susan and David run off to the nurse's station to get me some help - yes I was that bad - I decide I need to go to the washroom.
I walk around for five minutes and find a men's room - go in, pee, and walk out and...
I am jumped on by Junko!
She has her arms around my neck and her legs wrapped around my waist and is trusting her tongue deep into my mouth.
At first I don't know who the hell is kissing me, but it doesn't stop me from trying to grab her butt. I don't stop kissing either.
Any port in a storm... and it is raining.
I open my eyes and try to focus in on the woman sucking on my tonsils... okay... it is Junko.
I'm not delirious am I? Did Alice's Tea Cup ride push me down the rabbit hole? What is it that the Doormouse said?
"Junko?! What the hell are you doing here?!" I cried in happiness and shock and perhaps a bit from being queasy.
"Hello Andrew! I missed you my one true love," she said.
Uh-oh. I missed her too, but I didn't stalk her. What the hell is she doing in Tokyo Disneyland? And did she just call me her 'one true love'?
I've got to get out of here.
Cripes! Ashley! She'll be back soon and will probably be wondering why I have a Japanese woman stuck to my groin!
Junko is scaring the crap out of me.
But... being a horny guy, I'm obviously excited to see her, if you know what I mean.
To foil that part of my brain... I start to question Junko... but not here in front of the men's room!
I hold onto her butt and start to move with her...
"Are we going in the men's washroom Andrew lover?"
Who taught her to talk like this?!
That person was a very good teacher - but dammit this is bad timing.
I do, however, consider taking her into the men's washroom and having sex with her - after all... Donald Duck is my hero because he doesn't wear pants! But no... there's a lot of pee on the floor.
Men's rooms look, feel and smell like men's rooms all over the world. Pee on the floor. Apparently man DID evolve from the ape!
Instead, I walk her to the back of the building containing the men's room and push her back up against the brick wall. She's excited because she thinks we're going to do it in public - but I'm just not that well at the moment... and I need to put her down. With a tranquilizer if possible... but on the ground to give my arms and back a break.
I ask her if she has been following me?
She says "No!"
But then she added that "the place you stayed in last night was very small." And then she asked "Who is that woman you stayed with last night?"
Holy crap! She is stalking me!
Fatal Attraction! Here in Disneyland. Oh my gawd! She's going to kill Ashley! Who fried Roger Rabbit?* (see the PS for this joke).
Somewhere my shoes smell like pee,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Lionel Ritchie. Have you ever listened to the LYRICS? Ugh!
PS: In the movie Fatal Attraction, the stalker boils a pet rabbit. I'm in Disneyland - the animated flick Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a Disney movie... I made a pun of the Roger Rabbit title. Very funny, indeed.
PPS: Oh, Junko. Please don't kill anybody. My life is never going to be free of insane women, is it? I'm not secretly seeking them out, am I? Oh well... it beats being dull and not having anything to write about in this blog! Tune in tomorrow when I continue the adventure.
