Originally entitled: Bicycles Built For Your Tastefully Living, I re-phrased a national Japanese ad for an automobile manufacturer to instead mention bikes. Ah, English. It's a beautiful language.
I suppose I've always (always, in this instance refers to the past nine months) had a mute fascination with the Japanese obsession with the bicycle.
While I had learnt from watching those Japanese television programs depicting 'the wonderful dreamy world' of China (and why is ANY television show in Japan using an English lead-in?!), that the Japanese are a young nation when it comes to the number of bicycles owned, and that it causes me many restless nights sweating between my bedsheets.
It was recently pointed out by my shrink (Matthew Hall, friend and fellow local Ohtawara AET - though he's the tallest shrink I've ever seen - also the only one, believe it or don't) that bicycles are not the cause of my bed sweating. Still, I suppose it's the implied meaning of the metaphor that counts.
(Y'know... it made more sense in my head when I first wrote this. In hindsight, you should forget all of that crap up above).
Over the past few months, I've noticed that in Japan there are many stages of bicycle development and usage.
The primary school kids (Grades 1 - 6) generally ride around on small, knee-high two-wheelers of assorted colours that often have ridiculous English sentences printed on them. Want an example?
Okay: "... she said to her mother, "Wh". It was an incomplete sentence taken completely out of whatever context it was in that means nothing to anyone except maybe the author - kind of like my second paragraph.
The primary school bicycles all have a banana seat and
Harley-Davidson-like handlebars. They also possess nice quiet handbrakes.
The junior high school student (Grades 7-9, whom I teach) has a more advanced form of locomotion, as gears are present. The bicycles now have a front-placed basket of a colour to match the bike's paint job. Black for the boys and White for the girls. There is no in-between colour. Nobody knows why. The handlebars for both bicycles are low and flat. They too have handbrakes that are nice and quiet. Rear-view mirrors are present for reasons unknown to the rider(s). The same can be said for the bicycle light that works via pedal power. (There are no lights on a primary school kid's bike as they just aren't out that late.) There is usually a broken bell on the handlebar. The bicycle seats are not comfortable, and are now hard uncomfortable and thus considered practical leather triangles. The seats remain this way or the remainder of the rider's life.
There is very little English printed on the bikes, except for three or four incomprehensible paragraphs. This, too is a continued feature. Want your example? Okay:
"ere is it then? How can you expect me to set the tableware for nine people when there is only enough for eight? "Relax," said her mother, "simply go next door to Mrs. Filmore's house and ask if you can borrow a set of flatware." "I thought you wanted tableware? What the Hell is fla".
Hmmm... the dialogue seems to have continued from the primary school kid's bicycle. I wonder what will happen next?
Helmets are now required for the chu gakkusai (middle/junior high student). Failure to wear one--along with your school uniform--every day, even when not at school, can cause ridicule and humiliation for the parents.
In senior high school (Grades 10-12), the boys graduate to a different, more cool-looking bicycle in an effort to get girls and to avoid being bullied to death by tough-looking boys from technical schools who weren't smart or lucky enough to be able to cheat on their high school entrance exams. The bicycles are identical to their junior high school versions, except that the handle bars are now vertical, with grips just large enough to contain the handbrakes, which are still very quiet. Helmets are no longer required as there are none that will fit over the average student's 1950's bouffant or 2000's goth hair-do.
The senior high school girls generally have the same style of bicycle they had in junior high school. If they want to look cool they never ride their own bike, instead they stand on the bolts that hold the rear tire of a friend's or better yet a boy's bike. They too wear no helmet for reasons of coolness and hair (often synonymous with each other amongst Japanese people and certain foreign teachers writing blogs).
Writing on the bicycles is non-existent, which now has me wondering what the heck is going on with that story!
Then it all just stops. After high school no one has a bike. Nobody rides a bike. Except for the old folks. There they are: 70-, 80-, 193-years-old, and their out riding a bicycle. Sort of. Can you imagine your grand-parents riding on a bicycle? Okay, even if mine weren't dead it would boggle my mind.
The old men ride a bicycle that is wholly reminiscent of the junior high school version complete with broken bell. They ride with their skinny legs pedaling a bike - just like Kermit The Frog (
FROG LEGS).
As for the old women - it's the same bike as what they used in high school, except the women have now shrunk in stature. They hunch over with their hands thrust into mitts permanently welded to the handlebars. Their bicycles also lack a functioning bell, too. Nobody wears a helmet because the extra weight could cause their heads to snap down into their torso.
There is writing on the bicycles, however! The story continues: "
tware? And Mrs. Filmore died yesterday after thieves broke in and ransacked the place. "They killed her?" asked her mother. "No, but she died of a heart attack when she saw the mess - you know how anal retentive she is about keeping her place spotless." "Oh, yeah," said the mother. "Better ask her husband about borrowing the knives and forks then."
I'm unsure who the writer is on these bicycles, but I like his or her style.
Although the old folks lack a functioning bell, fear not, they have something better. Whenever they slow down or stop their bicycle, they squeeze the handbrake which emits an ear-splitting whine that can shatter a rock. You know they are coming.
All bicycles for the elderly are built in this manner. The people who build bicycles are quite aware that if an old person takes a hand away from the handlebar to attempt to ring the non-functioning bell, they will probably swerve into a rice field where farmers could accidentally urinate on them during planting season. That's why all senior citizen bikes have the safety screech warning system.
I hate the noise. everybody hates the noise. But, it does keep them out of the rice fields.
Just today (before, if you aren't reading this when I wrote this, which was a while ago, even though I am writing it now), I was watching an old lady ride her bicycle agonizingly slow on what the Japanese fondly call a sidewalk (the rest of the world calls them sewer system covers). She was riding in a straight line averaging about nine wicked serves a minute. I heard her apply her brakes as there was a primary school boy a good 100 metres in front of her. The boy jumped in fright at the cacophony and quickly ran to the side (the middle of the road) and waited the two minutes for her to pass.
Then the real fun began. The old lady noticed another old lady riding her bike towards her. Swerving.
Brakes were applied in a friendly warning to the other. The swerving continued. As they approached each other, I could see one of the women squinting around looking for a high level of ground upon which she could step down onto until the trouble passed.
But there was none.
She bravely swerved on.
It took a full four minutes and 47 seconds, but they miraculously swerved around each other while bowing deeply.
I still have nightmares (today, as of your reading this) of the old women and their double-helix bicycle paths. I dread having to ride my bicycle past an old lady or Kermit the Frog on the street (
shudder).
Somewhere bicycle writing,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title from Nazareth:
BICYCLE