Pop Goes The World

So... after a late night of binge drinking after I gave my speech to the people of Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan, I am up at 6:30 in the freaking morning and not very happy.



I have to be in Utsunomiya-shi (Utsunomiya is the capital city of Tochigi-ken) by 9AM so that I can participate in some stupid JET international dance festival dreamt up by some tea-totaler with a-way too much free time on their hands.



I'm an assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme, and have been in Japan for 15 months - and to quote Maxwell Smart (of the TV show Get Smart  - here's the opening CREDIT - god help me but I have all 5 seasons on DVD!): "And... loving it!".



Matthew, who is also a junior high school teacher like myself lives in my city, but he teaches all of the schools outside the city limits, while I have the ones inside.

Matthew, is participating... it's odd... Matthew didn't do a whole lot of participating during the first year because he was very busy chasing skirts, but he's making a big effort these past few months, as a leader... trying to help all of the other newly arrived foreigners here in Tochigi adjust. I guess we're both trying to do our part.



Anyhow... that bugger is late arriving at my apartment! He was with me last night and we were neck and neck to see who was going to have the most to drink. No one won.



Since he's late, we have to ride our bicycles like the wind to the eki (train station) in nearby Nishinasuno-machi (Nishinasuno Town). The speed at which we ride is impressive for two people who drained a bar only a few hours ago... and it makes me sweat and my knees hurt.



Just so you know... the actual dance is happening tomorrow. This is our second rehearsal.



We arrive in time for the rehearsal, which goes well. I still don't like the entire set-up. Can-can for the French, Hula for the Americans, and line-dancing for Canadians like me. I hate the dances! I'm only here to meet people.



Afterwards, we have a JET meeting to decide who should be the Tochigi-ken head representative. Susan St. Cyr abdicated last Saturday and told everyone that Gail would take over... but Gail had never even been asked by anyone, nor had she ever expressed any interest in taking over. One last screw up before leaving for Susan.



We elect Jeanne Mance Blanc from Sherbrooke, Quebec works. She is an AET on the JET Programme too, and while she lives in an apartment above Ashley (my ex-girlfriend whom I am still sleeping with. It's not that complex, really, and it something everyone should continue doing with their ex).



Jeanne is a junior high school AET like Matthew & myself, and works at the Tochigi Board of Education (Ohtawara Branch).

Jeanne was elected because nobody else wanted it. She thought I really wanted it and was surprised when I turned the offer down. besides being busy with the editorship of the Tochigi newsletter, The Tatami Times, I'm not technically a member of AJET anymore. Hmmm... I wonder how that would have gone down... me the head of the Tochigi AJET, but not a member of AJET. Hell... I should have accepted just to see what sort of trouble that would have caused... but to be honest... I'm not really an organizer... I'm a participant who takes over as a leader.



I have a couple of beers with Matthew and head for home. Ashley had left earlier so she could take part in a badminton tournament. Good for her. I had no idea she even knew what badminton was, let alone could play. I suppose that's a small reason for us not being a couple anymore... but then... getting information out of her was like pulling teeth. Getting information out of me... well... you're reading this so you know how easy it is to get information out of me.



Back in Ohtawara, Matthew and I ride to the local video store (it's immense... think about the largest video store you have ever seen and then double it in size... unless the largest one you have ever seen is the one in Ohatawara, in which case, don't double it in size).



I call up Ashley at 6PM. Apparently, she's just on her way out to go back down to Utsunomiya for a girl's night out.

Before hanging up, she blurts out that she found out this afternoon that one of her students at Ohtawara Boys High School attempted to kill himself last night after school.



She's very vague on the details (and I never ever found out any more... let's just say this sort of stuff was never discussed at my OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) office. Heck... I asked, but even the effervescent Hanazaki-san was reluctant to tell me anything, except to confirm that the attempt did indeed happen).

Ashley didn't really know the student, but she thinks she may have been the last person to so see him before he made his attempt. She was pretty upset. Poor stupid kid. I hope he gets the help he needs.



Off the phone, I play video games until 12AM and then head out alone to the 4C for a couple of vodka-based drinks... six of them. That's a couple, right?



Somewhere in a haze,

Andrew Joseph

Today's blog title is by: Men Without Hats, a Montreal, Canada group I used to like when I had hair with a a lot of hairspray - POP

Big Bottoms

There's a new study just released by the Japan Youth Research Institute that nearly 3/4's of female Japanese dai gakkusei (high school students) see themselves as being overweight - and this is despite evidence that they are actually thinner than their contemporaries in China, South Korea and the U.S.

It's true. I used to wander around the out fringes of the girl's high school in Ohtawara (I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have let me onto the school grounds because I'm a sukebe (pervert)), and they looked pretty darn fit to be tied, I mean pretty darn fit to me.

The study also noted that both male and female Japanese high schoolers ranked the lowest in self-esteem  amongst the four countries. Hmmmm. That really does suck.

The poll, which queried over 7,000 high school students from the four countries also examined their dietary habits, excercise and other factors to gauge their mental and physical health.

Okay... Japanese kids - especially over their U.S. and Canadian peers, must be in better shape. These kids have phys ed. and club activities all the time. Mentally... well, I'm pretty sure the pressure of having to perform like a trained monkey and having to ace their exams to get into a good university (and thus get a decent job upon graduation that they will hold for the rest of their life) is extremely stressful - and should they fail, I could see many of them becoming disillusioned with themselves.

It's a pity. I know that here in Canada, I never really tried untilI was 23 years old. I had squeaked into university, squeaked by andafter five years got a degree in Political Science, and then got into aJournalism program in college (When I began trying in school). I hadplenty of opportunities to screw up and plenty of opportunities toright my sinking ship. The U.S. has that too - but I'm reasonably surethat Korea, China and Japan do not.


As well, Japanese students saw themselves harshly, with only 7.5agreeing with the statement that they were 'a valuable person.'

Japaneseteens also ranked lowest on questions of whether they evaluatedthemselves positively, were satisfied with themselves and if theyconsidered themselves highly capable.

Somewhere still screwing up,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Spinal Tap: ELEVEN.
PS: The image above is from www.clker.com, and is owned by Brain Waves LLC, a Maryland Limited LiabilityCorporation. Clker and Clker.com are trademarks of Brain Waves LLC.

Walk This Way

I've never actually seen one in person, so I'm not even going to begin to describe what it looks on the inside. Let's just say that on any given evening between 7PM and 10PM, it's packed full with junior high and senior high school students trying to prep themselves to get into the next level of school in the best shape possible. They are known as Yobiko - cram schools.

According to some statistics, about a full one-third of all Japanese students go on to university. It's something that is expected if a young Japanese person is looking to maximize their future earnings and hoping to get in with a good company, or is looking to use to attract a spouse.

Me? I did 14 years of high school (I like Grade 12 so much I did it twice  - and in Ontario at that time, we had Grade 13); I did five years of university goofing around doing Political Science; and two years in College doing journalism, the results of which are on display here. Sorry about that. Perhaps if I had gone to yobiko? 

Just as there is fierce competition for students to get into a good university, so too is there fierce competition to get into a good high school, as entrance exams taken when you are 14 or 15 years old in junior high school can determine your lot in life. 

Now maybe that's the way it is in a lot of countries, but in Canada you can be a screw up for 30 or 40 or 50 years before coming to your senses to head back to school and learn a new occupation.

For those students who fail their entrance exam, they can try again the next year. These students are called 'ronin', which actually means masterless samurai which happens if a samurai fails his master or if the samurai and the family are killed. 

The yobiko is for two types of students - those who are looking for more help to pass the entrance exams, and the ronin students. 

The cram schools are plentiful in Japan. Why, because there is a demand for them as students (that is, their parents) place a high esteem on them. 

Of course, once a junior high school student gets into a good high school and again into a university - that's when the party starts. For maybe four or five years, Japanese university students get to act like little sho-gakkusei (primary school students). It's true. Apparently Japanese universities are notoriously easy (I'd say that is just for the undergraduate programs, and not for those looking for an MBA, MA or PhD).

Friends of mine told me they quickly forgot how to study and learned instead how to imbibe copious amounts of alcohol. Of course, this may also be the first time in their life they are away from their parents, so what the heck?! Japan was my first time away from my parents, and all I did was drink and try to get laid. See - we are so much alike!    

So... anyway... back to cram school. They learn a lot of the same stuff they learn in their regular day school - plus they get to do a lot of mock tests to help them prepare for their entrance exams. They learn tricks and mnemonics and often get ahead of their day school - the result being they actually do better at day school. This promotes a better feeling about school, itself, which makes spending 14 hours of one's day - multiple days a week inside a class room seem like a small price to pay just so you can get laid in university.

Somewhere knowing that seven years of post-secondary education didn't get me laid,

Andrew Joseph  

Today's title is by Aerosmith (though I like the Run DMC version, too): HIGHSCHOOL LOSER

Okay, okay... here's the Run DMC version. They deserve it for their part in resurrecting the career of Aerosmith - plus it's a cool video: SASSY.

I Can't Stand Losing You

Originally entitled: The Girl's High School, there's probably a very good reason why I never published this before. Still, it'll give you a bit of insight into my mind back in there during my third-year in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan.

Geez... when did they develop breasts?

Man... is every girl at the Ohtawara Girl's High School a babe, or what? Why can't I teach at this school? Ashley did for those first two years - including more of a daily thing at the Boys High School... but now that she's gone home, I don't think they have added a replacement. If they did, I don't know about it - and believe you, I would - especially if it was an another female AET (Assistant English Teacher) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme.

Huh... it's probably a good thing I don't teach at the Girl's High School. Half the graduating class would be pregnant.

Naw. That's just guy talk. You'd like to an adll, but I know I shouldn't... I hope.

I'm not like one of those guys on the JET Programme, whom I heard through the grapevine, that was sleeping with one of his female students. Bizarre. It's like they'll let anybody into JET. Maybe they should have a morality check. I mean, what about that new guy - Julius Johnson Magic Irving (obviously not his real name, but I'll tell you more about him in another blog soon). But, I digress.

Whenever I ride my bike past the Girl's High School, I do so with my head down. It's not so much that I don't want to see them or talk to them. It's just that I don't want it to look like I am 'checking out' the babes. I know there's a 10-year age difference, and by the time I get out of jail, they'd be 30 relative to my 40! Just kidding.

Maybe they think I'm a snob. I hope not. I just don't want to... maybe I'm afraid. Afraid of my own moral fiber (do I have one?). Naw. Maybe I'm just shy and don't want to be bugged. But I do like being bugged. It makes me feel needed.

But, I guess being looked upon as a pervert would dissipate my enthusiasm. Best not to look.

They sure do look cute, though.

Somewhere riding my bicycle into the back of a parked white car,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is from the Police - which is what would be involved should I think about dabbling in the female high school population. The reason I chose this title, is a single line contained within: 'You can call it a lack of confidence'. It's not about confidence in getting away with something - it's about a lack of confidence in being that good person that is well liked. It's all I ever want(ed). Still do, and I can't stand losing: CLASS IS IN.

My White Bicycle

Originally entitled: Bicycles Built For Your Tastefully Living, I re-phrased a national Japanese ad for an automobile manufacturer to instead mention bikes. Ah, English. It's a beautiful language.

I suppose I've always (always, in this instance refers to the past nine months) had a mute fascination with the Japanese obsession with the bicycle.

While I had learnt from watching those Japanese television programs depicting 'the wonderful dreamy world' of China (and why is ANY television show in Japan using an English lead-in?!), that the Japanese are a young nation when it comes to the number of bicycles owned, and that it causes me many restless nights sweating between my bedsheets.

It was recently pointed out by my shrink (Matthew Hall, friend and fellow local Ohtawara AET - though he's the tallest shrink I've ever seen - also the only one, believe it or don't) that bicycles are not the cause of my bed sweating. Still, I suppose it's the implied meaning of the metaphor that counts.

(Y'know... it made more sense in my head when I first wrote this. In hindsight, you should forget all of that crap up above).

Over the past few months, I've noticed that in Japan there are many stages of bicycle development and usage.

The primary school kids (Grades 1 - 6) generally ride around on small, knee-high two-wheelers of assorted colours that often have ridiculous English sentences printed on them. Want an example? Okay: "... she said to her mother, "Wh". It was an incomplete sentence taken completely out of whatever context it was in that means nothing to anyone except maybe the author - kind of like my second paragraph.

The primary school bicycles all have a banana seat and Harley-Davidson-like handlebars. They also possess nice quiet handbrakes.

The junior high school student (Grades 7-9, whom I teach) has a more advanced form of locomotion, as gears are present. The bicycles now have a front-placed basket of a colour to match the bike's paint job. Black for the boys and White for the girls. There is no in-between colour. Nobody knows why. The handlebars for both bicycles are low and flat. They too have handbrakes that are nice and quiet. Rear-view mirrors are present for reasons unknown to the rider(s). The same can be said for the bicycle light that works via pedal power. (There are no lights on a primary school kid's bike as they just aren't out that late.) There is usually a broken bell on the handlebar. The bicycle seats are not comfortable, and are now hard uncomfortable and thus considered practical leather triangles. The seats remain this way or the remainder of the rider's life.

There is very little English printed on the bikes, except for three or four incomprehensible paragraphs. This, too is a continued feature. Want your example? Okay: "ere is it then? How can you expect me to set the tableware for nine people when there is only enough for eight? "Relax," said her mother, "simply go next door to Mrs. Filmore's house and ask if you can borrow a set of flatware." "I thought you wanted tableware? What the Hell is fla".

Hmmm... the dialogue seems to have continued from the primary school kid's bicycle. I wonder what will happen next?

Helmets are now required for the chu gakkusai (middle/junior high student). Failure to wear one--along with your school uniform--every day, even when not at school, can cause ridicule and humiliation for the parents.

In senior high school (Grades 10-12), the boys graduate to a different, more cool-looking bicycle in an effort to get girls and to avoid being bullied to death by tough-looking boys from technical schools who weren't smart or lucky enough to be able to cheat on their high school entrance exams. The bicycles are identical to their junior high school versions, except that the handle bars are now vertical, with grips just large enough to contain the handbrakes, which are still very quiet. Helmets are no longer required as there are none that will fit over the average student's 1950's bouffant or 2000's goth hair-do.

The senior high school girls generally have the same style of bicycle they had in junior high school. If they want to look cool they never ride their own bike, instead they stand on the bolts that hold the rear tire of a friend's or better yet a boy's bike. They too wear no helmet for reasons of coolness and hair (often synonymous with each other amongst Japanese people and certain foreign teachers writing blogs).

Writing on the bicycles is non-existent, which now has me wondering what the heck is going on with that story!

Then it all just stops. After high school no one has a bike. Nobody rides a bike. Except for the old folks. There they are: 70-, 80-, 193-years-old, and their out riding a bicycle. Sort of. Can you imagine your grand-parents riding on a bicycle? Okay, even if mine weren't dead it would boggle my mind.

The old men ride a bicycle that is wholly reminiscent of the junior high school version complete with broken bell. They ride with their skinny legs pedaling a bike - just like Kermit The Frog (FROG LEGS).

As for the old women - it's the same bike as what they used in high school, except the women have now shrunk in stature. They hunch over with their hands thrust into mitts permanently welded to the handlebars. Their bicycles also lack a functioning bell, too. Nobody wears a helmet because the extra weight could cause their heads to snap down into their torso.

There is writing on the bicycles, however! The story continues: "tware? And Mrs. Filmore died yesterday after thieves broke in and ransacked the place. "They killed her?" asked her mother. "No, but she died of a heart attack when she saw the mess - you know how anal retentive she is about keeping her place spotless." "Oh, yeah," said the mother. "Better ask her husband about borrowing the knives and forks then."

I'm unsure who the writer is on these bicycles, but I like his or her style.

Although the old folks lack a functioning bell, fear not, they have something better. Whenever they slow down or stop their bicycle, they squeeze the handbrake which emits an ear-splitting whine that can shatter a rock. You know they are coming.

All bicycles for the elderly are built in this manner. The people who build bicycles are quite aware that if an old person takes a hand away from the handlebar to attempt to ring the non-functioning bell, they will probably swerve into a rice field where farmers could accidentally urinate on them during planting season. That's why all senior citizen bikes have the safety screech warning system.

I hate the noise. everybody hates the noise. But, it does keep them out of the rice fields.

Just today (before, if you aren't reading this when I wrote this, which was a while ago, even though I am writing it now), I was watching an old lady ride her bicycle agonizingly slow on what the Japanese fondly call a sidewalk (the rest of the world calls them sewer system covers). She was riding in a straight line averaging about nine wicked serves a minute. I heard her apply her brakes as there was a primary school boy a good 100 metres in front of her. The boy jumped in fright at the cacophony and quickly ran to the side (the middle of the road) and waited the two minutes for her to pass.

Then the real fun began. The old lady noticed another old lady riding her bike towards her. Swerving.

Brakes were applied in a friendly warning to the other. The swerving continued. As they approached each other, I could see one of the women squinting around looking for a high level of ground upon which she could step down onto until the trouble passed.

But there was none.

She bravely swerved on.

It took a full four minutes and 47 seconds, but they miraculously swerved around each other while bowing deeply.

I still have nightmares (today, as of your reading this) of the old women and their double-helix bicycle paths. I dread having to ride my bicycle past an old lady or Kermit the Frog on the street (shudder).

Somewhere bicycle writing,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title from Nazareth: BICYCLE