Safety Dance

Despite the complexity of the day, I'm going to make this short - even for me. Here in 2011, I'm on vacation and I'm watching re-runs of Torchwood, the Doctor Who spin-off. It's like the X-files only everyone is bi-sexual. I've never seen the show before, though I have been watching the Doctor for about two years... sorry, current reality intruded.



It's Sunday, October 6, 1991. I'm an assistant English teacher (AET) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme living in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture) in Japan for the past 15 months. I'm like a leader here. Not really, but if there's something stupid you want to do, I'm probably the guy you want to do it with.



I've snuck into museums, broken into a taxidermist exhibit of a forest, slept with more women than you can shake a stick at - most of whom I never learned their name, drunk a lot of booze, slept with my female stalker and done it all without a hang-over. I've been a bit of a bad boy... which is why today it's a bit of weirdness for me.



Today is the International Festival in Utsunomiya-shi (Utsunomiya City is the capital of Tochigi) and I'm participating in a dance festival.



Matthew, my comrade-in-arms, who is an American by trade but is more Japanese than most Japanese, calls me up at 6:10 in the AM. I wake up at 6:30AM, or at least that's when my alarm goes off.

Matthew rides over from his apartment to mine at 7:30AM, and together we bike out to Nishinasuno-eki (Nishinasuno train station) about 25 minutes to the northwest.



My knees are killing me. It's either this bicycle or it's going to rain. Why can't it rain to halt this stupid festival? Why am I doing this? It's not to get laid. And that's why I would do anything, so what the hell am I doing this for?



The dance involves a whole bunch of AETs doing three dances - one to represent France - the Can-Can, one to represent the US of A  - the Hula, and one to represent Canada  - I think it's called line dancing. Dirty dancing I know... Line Dancing - WTF?



The Can-Can goes okay... but when you're knees hurt, you don't really feel like doing any high kicks.



Because Lisa Arnold - the coordinator of this JET dance debacle - is missing, the Line Dance get's screwed up, as we're missing the leader, and we're now one woman short for the guy. Ohhhh, Canada.



The Hula goes well, probably because we have a real Hawaiian - Sienna - leading it.



After some lackluster applause, and every Japanese person in Utsunomiya wanting to shake my hand and talk to me, I have a lackluster lunch and then perform again. This time the whole group manages to screw up the Canadian dance. Not a surprise... it's a stupid dance anyway. But, as the lone Canadian at this event, I am particularly galled and pissed off at everyone.



Do you want a real Canadian dance? Try something the natives do, like THIS or THIS. Both are sexy and both are cool.



I go home with my ex-girlfriend Ashley (who was watching and did not dance) and with Matthew on the train. Matthew goes off to meet Takako, while Ashley goes off to sleep. It's 7PM, and that's a darn good reason for me not to be with her.



I go out to the 4C to chat with some Japanese folk and to try and drown out that horrible, horrible dance experience.



I invite a young lady back to my place, which only partially erases the horrible day I had.



Somewhere this man is behaving badly,

Andrew Joseph

Today's blog title is by Men Without Hats (that's not a safe thing to do around a construction yard - they're being bad): LITTLEPEOPLE. Man... the lyrics are kind of apt! I had no idea until I listened to it while writing this sentence.

Pop Goes The World

So... after a late night of binge drinking after I gave my speech to the people of Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan, I am up at 6:30 in the freaking morning and not very happy.



I have to be in Utsunomiya-shi (Utsunomiya is the capital city of Tochigi-ken) by 9AM so that I can participate in some stupid JET international dance festival dreamt up by some tea-totaler with a-way too much free time on their hands.



I'm an assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme, and have been in Japan for 15 months - and to quote Maxwell Smart (of the TV show Get Smart  - here's the opening CREDIT - god help me but I have all 5 seasons on DVD!): "And... loving it!".



Matthew, who is also a junior high school teacher like myself lives in my city, but he teaches all of the schools outside the city limits, while I have the ones inside.

Matthew, is participating... it's odd... Matthew didn't do a whole lot of participating during the first year because he was very busy chasing skirts, but he's making a big effort these past few months, as a leader... trying to help all of the other newly arrived foreigners here in Tochigi adjust. I guess we're both trying to do our part.



Anyhow... that bugger is late arriving at my apartment! He was with me last night and we were neck and neck to see who was going to have the most to drink. No one won.



Since he's late, we have to ride our bicycles like the wind to the eki (train station) in nearby Nishinasuno-machi (Nishinasuno Town). The speed at which we ride is impressive for two people who drained a bar only a few hours ago... and it makes me sweat and my knees hurt.



Just so you know... the actual dance is happening tomorrow. This is our second rehearsal.



We arrive in time for the rehearsal, which goes well. I still don't like the entire set-up. Can-can for the French, Hula for the Americans, and line-dancing for Canadians like me. I hate the dances! I'm only here to meet people.



Afterwards, we have a JET meeting to decide who should be the Tochigi-ken head representative. Susan St. Cyr abdicated last Saturday and told everyone that Gail would take over... but Gail had never even been asked by anyone, nor had she ever expressed any interest in taking over. One last screw up before leaving for Susan.



We elect Jeanne Mance Blanc from Sherbrooke, Quebec works. She is an AET on the JET Programme too, and while she lives in an apartment above Ashley (my ex-girlfriend whom I am still sleeping with. It's not that complex, really, and it something everyone should continue doing with their ex).



Jeanne is a junior high school AET like Matthew & myself, and works at the Tochigi Board of Education (Ohtawara Branch).

Jeanne was elected because nobody else wanted it. She thought I really wanted it and was surprised when I turned the offer down. besides being busy with the editorship of the Tochigi newsletter, The Tatami Times, I'm not technically a member of AJET anymore. Hmmm... I wonder how that would have gone down... me the head of the Tochigi AJET, but not a member of AJET. Hell... I should have accepted just to see what sort of trouble that would have caused... but to be honest... I'm not really an organizer... I'm a participant who takes over as a leader.



I have a couple of beers with Matthew and head for home. Ashley had left earlier so she could take part in a badminton tournament. Good for her. I had no idea she even knew what badminton was, let alone could play. I suppose that's a small reason for us not being a couple anymore... but then... getting information out of her was like pulling teeth. Getting information out of me... well... you're reading this so you know how easy it is to get information out of me.



Back in Ohtawara, Matthew and I ride to the local video store (it's immense... think about the largest video store you have ever seen and then double it in size... unless the largest one you have ever seen is the one in Ohatawara, in which case, don't double it in size).



I call up Ashley at 6PM. Apparently, she's just on her way out to go back down to Utsunomiya for a girl's night out.

Before hanging up, she blurts out that she found out this afternoon that one of her students at Ohtawara Boys High School attempted to kill himself last night after school.



She's very vague on the details (and I never ever found out any more... let's just say this sort of stuff was never discussed at my OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) office. Heck... I asked, but even the effervescent Hanazaki-san was reluctant to tell me anything, except to confirm that the attempt did indeed happen).

Ashley didn't really know the student, but she thinks she may have been the last person to so see him before he made his attempt. She was pretty upset. Poor stupid kid. I hope he gets the help he needs.



Off the phone, I play video games until 12AM and then head out alone to the 4C for a couple of vodka-based drinks... six of them. That's a couple, right?



Somewhere in a haze,

Andrew Joseph

Today's blog title is by: Men Without Hats, a Montreal, Canada group I used to like when I had hair with a a lot of hairspray - POP

No Time

Time to grow up, according to Seiko.

Today, October 3, 1991 is a sports festival day here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. It's  something all of my junior high schools are participating in. As such, since I'm an assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme, there is no need for me to go to school.



Unfortunately, I have to go in to the Ohtawara Board of Education Office (OBOE) instead of having a vacation day.



Anyhow, I could go to the school - in this case Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School) and watch the events and have lunch there if I want to, but I decide not to. Eight hours watching others play sports kills me just a little bit inside.



Although I'm only 27, I am now nine years removed from playing my last game of soccer. Two years from my last game of baseball, and maybe 13 years from my last judo tournament. It hurts to watch others doing what I feel I should still be doing... if only I had more talent. I have the desire and the attitude for sports... but my dad's sports gene didn't get passed down 100 per cent. Maybe just 50 per cent. As such, I had to work my butt off to be any good at sports, and I did and I was... but effort will only carry one so far.



It's why I coached and am now a teacher. Those that can - do. Those that can't - teach. Those that can't teach - become guidance counselors.



At the OBOE office, I write eight letters to family and friends, and one to Kristine who lives out a mere 500 kilometres away in Shiga-ken. I tell them everything that is going on in my life. Not. Why bore them with how crappy my love life is, or how decent my sex life is. I would trade some of the sex life for a decent love life... but that doesn't seem to be something that is going to happen here. I need to get away from the gaijin women, and start moving forward with the Japanese women (Kristine is half-Japanese, so I'm unsure if I should try or not). It's just as well as I have my first date - a real date with Shoko (a student from my adult English class I teach), I think, with a Japanese woman... with  no expectations for sex.



At lunch I go out and buy a video game, but before that, I meet mister Yashiro-sensei, a teacher formerly with Kaneda Kit Chu Gakko (Kaneda North Junior High School) and now with Nishin Chu Gakko (Nishin Junior High School) in Kuroiso-shi (Kuroiso City) about 10 miles north of Ohtawara.



He is wandering around Ohtawara for some reason - the sports festival, I imagine.



As we begin talking, two of his students - both ah-mazingly cute 14-year-old girls come strolling over and begin asking me questions in English.



Since they ask in English, I have NO problem whatsoever in answering whatever they are going to ask.



It's the standard fare, however: my name, age, country I'm from (these girls live in Kuroiso, and while they may have heard of me, they may never have seen me), girlfriend status, blood type, and... wait for it... "Do you have a big penis?"



Yashiro-sensei and I fall to the ground in shock. When I nod my head in acquiescence, the cuter of the two  reaches up grabs me about the neck and kisses me on the cheek.



Yashiro-sensei and I both agree that she (and her friend) are going to be a lot of trouble for men in four more years. If not sooner.



Back at the OBOE, I write a few more letters and then head home at 5PM. I am sort of excited about my date with Shoko, and I force myself to calm down by trying to ignore all other stimuli by playing my Nintendo video games.



She rings my doorbell at exactly 6:30PM on the dot. The exact agreed upon time. You have to hand it to the Japanese... they are very precise with their time... it's like they invented it or something. Hmm, I do wear a Seiko watch... one that I bought in the Bahamas about eight years ago. (I still am wearing it, in fact, in 2011 - that's photo from today up at the top).



Shoko looks radiant. She's about 5'-8", and maybe 120 lbs. Wavy black hair just past her shoulders, has a large smile, sexy eyes. She's dressy, but not slutty, in keeping with her overall demeanor. In short... she is dressed for a date and not sex. Fine by me.



For some reason, I show her my new video game system, but step on a wire and break it, rendering it inoperable for the moment. She sudden;y remembers that Naoko (mutual friend) is waiting for us at the restaurant. Damn! I was really hoping we were going to have a date alone. Two is company, and three's a crowd!



I guess she figures we need help with our language skills - or she doesn't really want to date me. Crap. I think, crap. Shoko is nice, but is she the one for me, or merely the first one who has shown me any interest in anything other than sex?



Still... dinner is cool. Shoko eats like a bird, while I eat like the pig of a man that I am. We small talk. I teach them the words 'bitch' and 'bastard' and when it's all over, I pick up the check. I did ask them out. Well, actually, I only asked Shoko out. Whatever. It's only money.



The three of us then head fore the 4C bar. I have a beer and a couple of whiskey's! Blah! I hate whiskey. I guess my palette isn't grown up enough.



I chat with Mark, the New Zealand bartender and give him some money to get me a bottle of Southern Comfort. Ashley likes Southern Comfort.



(What the hell am I doing even thinking of her, when I'm sort of on a date with Shoko?) (It's not a date, is it?)



I chat with Naoko and Shoko - and then another friend of Shoko's joins us... Tomiko. She's very, very friendly - in that hi, An-do-ryu-sensei, I want to have sex with you kind of way. She's sukebi (a pervert) - but I have to admit, I find that charming. Or is it highly suggestive?



I flirt back with Tomiko, but damn it all.. I have to be a gentleman and be careful to mind that I am with Shoko!



At 11PM, we head home... or at least back to my apartment, where Naoko has parked her car. Shoko, and Shoko alone walks me back up to my apartment door.



I want to kiss her, but I don't. It didn't feel like a date, It felt like friends going out, and I wasn't alone with her. Friends don't kiss their friends - especially female friends. I don't really believe a man can be friends with a women without him thinking about screwing them.



I'm unsure if that's going to come as a shock to any of my female readers or not. It's just how I feel - and maybe not indicative of the entire male species.



Maybe I'll kiss Shoko the next time... if there is one.



I relieve some of my frustrations on the Nintendo video game system after I spend an hour re-wiring it. I have no idea how to re-wire anything, so I am merely satisfied that it works and that I didn't start a fire.



Somewhere looking to save a video game princess,

Andrew Joseph 

Today's blog title is by Canada's own Guess Who: SUMMERFRIEND

Pipeline

Let's call today's blog a preface of things to come.

Today is Saturday, September 28, 1991. It's the beginning of the 15th month of my life here in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan.

Whenever I'm antsy, I tend to clean up my apartment. Not so today. Sometimes a guy just needs to do laundry.

I also head out to the post office to mail some letters home to family and friends in Toronto. At that time, being the famous gaijin (foreigner) that I am, the clerk says he has some mail for me. Usually, they deliver it - and all other mail written in English, to my apartment mailbox. I guess I just got there ahead of time.

That type of stuff would never happen in Canada... they have to deliver it to the mailbox.... I like that they know who I am. In fact, I'm willing to bet that the post office even knew I was coming there today, as it seems like there is some sort of underground gaijin spy network going on here in Ohtawara, where everybody gets a 24/7 update on just what their favourite gaijin is doing. Sorry Matthew... I'm the favourite. It's my blog.

Regular readers will know that Matthew is the other assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme who lives in this city (he teaches junior high school at the school outside of the city, and I teach at the seven within the city. He's my best friend here that I'm  not sleeping with.

The posties find a large envelope for me that I crack open immediately, as it's from Susan St Cyr, a JET head... who announces in her letter to me that she is resigning her position... aw, too bad (heavy sarcasm). At least she sent me 34,000 yen (US/Cdn $340) to cover my expenses for mailing out the prefecture JET newsletter The Tatami Times.

I rent some videos and continue to clean up a bit and then invite Ashley (my ex-girlfriend and current friend with benefits) over to watch Uncle Buck before we head over to the 4C bar for some drinks.

Tomiko, the cutie Japanese female bartender, asks me quite pointedly if Ashley is my girlfriend.

"NO!" I tell her quite emphatically.

The whole place hears my response but may (or may not) know what I was saying 'no' to. They probably all knew what the question was. It's that underground hotline.

I have no idea if Tomiko was asking for herself, for one of the six Japanese women in the bar, or all six Japanese women in the bar. Perhaps they were having a bet. Perhaps someone wanted to date me. Perhaps someone wanted to date Ashley. Maybe because everyone knows she was with me, but I've not heard of anyone wanting to date her. I'm sure there are men who do, however. Hmmm.

Despite me now after 14 months having sex for the first time in my life (thanks, Ashley) and having done so with more women than Ashley has ever had prior to meeting me... I feel jealous... for absolutely no reason.

Ashley and I have a couple of drinks. I constantly look around the place trying to gauge the actions and reactions of people to see who wanted to know about my social status... but can't figure it out. I assume now that the question was solely for me... I mean, they could have asked Ashley the same question.... but then again, she has always told anyone who will listen here in Ohtawara that she and I have only ever been just friends... while I have always done the opposite and said we were boinking as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Is that the opposite? Probably not.

Anyhow.. we leave the place at around 12AM, as she has to get home to clean up her place early... as she has a guest coming over.

It's Karen. The new senior high school assistant English teacher in Yaita-shi (Yaita City). The woman who wants to be MY girlfriend, and begged me to slow things down. I only ever wanted sex. Not another girlfriend... I figured it would be a better way to avoid a rebound... Karen wanted to slow things down between us... and suggested some space so that she could get used to Japan.

Fine... but she was the one who accelerated things with me. I hate that. Start me up, and then jam on the breaks. My advice for anyone is to not start what you don't intend to finish. Especially sex! Do you really think that endears men to you? We really do want sex. We'll take the relationship after... after we see if the sex is any good.

I haven't really talked with Karen too much these past few weeks since my mother left Japan. My mom had come for a few weeks to sight-see, and Karen glommed onto my mom and became her best friend. I have to admit that though cute, it kind of pissed me off.

As it turned out, my mom preferred Karen over Ashley... one who wanted me over one who only wanted me for sex... though my mother didn't know that.

Do mother's know best. In this instance, my gut says no. Karen has a lot of baggage, and while I am man enough to help carry it for her, at this point in my life I think I'd prefer to have my cake and eat it too... get laid as much as possible.... but ideally when the time is right, have a girlfriend with less baggage.

While my back is indeed better after seeing a chiropractor here, I don't need to hurt it again with a heavy burden to bear.

So... anyhow... Karen and Ashley are going to Nikko for a few days. I assume just the two of them... though it might actually involve a few other female AETs. Karen, though only here for two months, already went to Nikko with my mom. Ashley and I have been a few times already, and often go to a particular antique shop to pick up knicknacks... masks for her and pre-1867 ukiyo-e (Japanese wood block prints) for me. The proprietor of the shop has taught us many things on our two subjects.

Karen and Ashley going out to spend a few nights together out of town. If I had a dirty mind I'd think manly thoughts. And I do have a dirty mind.

Still... this meeting of the ex and the pre... well, that can only mean trouble for me sometime later.

I ride Ashley back to her place, get a nice kiss and then ride back to my apartment, ditch my bicycle and walk back in to the 4C, to see if anyone (female Japanese babe) wants a piece of me. They better hurry. I get t he feeling after Ashley and Karen's trip to Nikko, there won't be much of me left to screw with.

Unfortunaletly, when I get back... none of the six female patrons are still there, and Tomiko isn't flirting with me. Damn.

Oh well... I suppose someone somewhere is happy that I am here at the 4C by myself. I just know it isn't me.

Somewhere the noose is tightening,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Ventures: NOWORDS
PS: I know that that a pipeline in this song is a surfing term. I'm using it to denote a means of transferring information.

Cathy's Clown

If yesterday was any indication of how my second-year in Japan was going to be - what with a another guy trying to poach a woman I was talking to - then hold on to your hats, o reader... things get interesting.

It's Sunday, September 22, 1991 here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan... I'm an assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme... and I spent most of the first year in a committed relationship with Ashley, a woman from Augusta, Georgia in the USA, whom I met on my second day here. Whenever she would break up with me... some other woman would magically show up at my door willing to take her place.
It's sounds like pure fantasy... but let me assure you that what I write here is true. I'm not the best-looking guy in the world, or the smartest or the funniest... and as I'm sure you can all attest, I am hardly the best writer in the world... but there's nothing wrong with being second-best.
Perhaps by accident, perhaps by design... I am no longer sure what the heck I was thinking, but I did realize that here in Japan, all the gaijin (foreigner) men were chasing Japanese women. I was at a distinct disadvantage owing to the fact that I was shy and could not speak the language. By shy I mean that I couldn't or wouldn't make the first move.
As such... I had a whole lot of gaijin women on the JET Programme who did not seem very interested in being hit on by a plethora of drunken Japanese men, but did not seem to mind one drunken Canadian man. Me.
I slept with a couple of Japanese women and some Thai women and about seven other AETs during my first year in Japan... and I was looking to add a few more to that number... or so I thought.
Ashley and I had broken up, but we did remain friends-with-benefits. Trouble is... I was still in love with her. I hate failing at anything. I had done enough of that in the past back in Canada... but by re-inventing myself here, I vowed to exude self-confidence... even if I wasn't self-confident.
It's all about perceptions.  
Today... I get up at 12:30PM. Blah.
I do some laundry which helps me think.
Catherine, one of the new AETs who had arrived in Japan a month and a half ago from England calls me up and invites herself over.
When she arrives an hour later, I show her around town, discovering quite a few things myself that I'll have to look at in greater detail later.
We arrive back at my apartment at 6PM - Ashley phones.
I invite her over.
I'm pretty sure that Catherine likes me too much... and I only like her. I'm afraid I may have led her on quite a bit, as I spent a lot of time showing the newcomers around Tokyo (with Matthew), and around the Tochigi-ken capital of Utsunomiya (again with Matthew). I'm afraid my outgoing, friendly personality and my willingness to call up the newcomers (actually... most of the people I called were women) (I am a dog).
Anyhow... Ashley, Catherine and I go to Tsubuhachi - a local restaurant I enjoy before heading over to the 4C bar - a bar I enjoy.
Matthew comes over with his friend Robert and some other Japanese girl I met last night when mutual acquaintance Kevin was pissing me off by trying to intervene in my picking up of a beautiful Japanese woman at the 4C.
Sitting at a bar table, Catherine is on my right and Ashley is on my left.
Catherine begins making a pass at me by stroking my thigh and moving up quite a bit, if you know what I mean.
I lift up the table cloth slightly and lean over to Ashley and tell her what's going on.
I then ask her to please sleep over at my place.
She said "I'll think about it."
She says: "I'm scandalized that someone would be that horny."
Really, Ashley? You're a funny woman!
After enough drinks to kill a rhino, the three of us stagger home.
Now... I know what you are thinking, and so was I - especially after engaging in a threesome back in Thailand two months ago! But.. you have to know your audience... while I am unsure about Catherine, I was pretty sure Ashley wasn't going to play along.
Ashley asks (in front of Catherine) if I would ride her home to Nishinasuno (about 25 minutes northwest of my apartment), because she is too drunk.
Thanks, Ashley. I owe you one.
I leave Cathy napping on my sofa. I'm still thinking I can do things with her when I get back - probably because I've been drinking.
So... I ride out with Ashley and make her stop near the Ohtawara Wedding Hall. We begin making out - and play grabby pants - but we agree to continue back at her place.
We race over - because nothing gives one energy like the prospect of sex... have some wham-bam-thank-you ma'am and then tell her I;ll see her tomorrow for the best sex she's ever had. She stammers an 'okay' probably  wondering how I was going to top some of the things we have done previously.
I ride home.
It's been an 90 minutes since I left (I told you it was quick with Ashley - which is why I figured I really owed her).
I drag Catherine to bed and immediately begins to strip and kiss me. I have no idea how I'm able to want to do this again - but then again, I remember I am 26.
I hope she doesn't notice how wet my groin is and wonder if I have Ashley's scent all over me... but then that moment quickly passes and I get down to work. Actually, a part of me does hope that she notices.
I pass out for a quick cat nap after I am done, and then get woken up for more.
Are you serious? Doesn't anyone realize I am tired? Hello... penis... I'm tired... go to sleep.... but it doesn't. Again. I'm 26.
As we are doing it, I pop a muscle and it hurts like a bugger.
I am too tired to continue even when it goes back in place.
Christ. Condoms?! It's a good thing I didn't finish inside... but still!
That was stupid.
I go to sleep with her scarecrow blonde hair draped all over my chest - sticky like a cobweb.
What the heck do I do now?
Catherine... sorry, but I don't want a girlfriend.
Ashley... sorry, but I want more than a friend-with-benefits.

Somewhere in a tangled web,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog is by the Everly Brothers: WEB  

Magical Mystery Tour

Continuing Tuesday, September 10, 1991. I'm still living here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan.

My day started off with me not lookingforward to having to team-teach English at Kaneda Kita Chu Gakko (Kaneda NorthJunior High School). I hate that school. But despite no one there showing anyinclination that they might want to learn anything at school (not justEnglish), I enjoy myself watching the Sports Festival wacky events, and enjoyhanging out with some elementary school kids who come to visit. I'm also takenaback by the agressiveness of a 12-year-old student who looks like she's 21.

So there's good, the bad and the naughty.

After the sports day events, I leaveschool at 5:40PM and arrive home at 6PM thanks to Gunji-san's scary driving.I do some of my 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle and begin cleaning up myapartment.

 Look... I know I said I wouldn't mentionthe puzzle, but I didn't read that far ahead into my own diary whentranscribing it for you all here in this blog. Yes... I am doing the puzzle inmy underwear. Hah!

So... I've only just sort of noticed thatI clean my apartment a lot. I mentioned previously that I thought it was adefensive mechanism of mine when I was antsy or upset, or that I simply like aclean place.I am proud to state that the cleanlinessangle is really it. I'm having an acid flashback without doing anythingstronger than antacid.

When I first moved in to my apartmenthere in Ohtawara... there was a lone cockroach in the apartment that wasquickly stomped on my a floppy-slipper clad Hanazaki-san (one of my two bossesat the OBOE - Ohtawara Board of Education).It was there because the place had beenempty for two weeks prior to my arrival.

So... in order to ensure a cockroachnever encroaches in my apartment again, I vowed to make it a clean environment.Years later, I heard that cockroaches eatin messy places but prefer to live in clean environments. Anyone want toconfirm or deny?

Mr. Maniwa calls me up and asks if I amfree. I am anything but free, but I don't have anything better to do so I goover to his pharmacy located a three minute walk away.

Maniwa-san is an old lecherous man whosmokes and drinks too much and tried to squeeze Ashley's boobs very early inour sojourn here in Ohtawara. Ashley, my ex-girlfriend but currentfriend-with-benefits never really went near Maniwa-san again unless I was therewith her.

It's not an excuse, but Maniwa-san'sbehaviour was not atypical of Japan's male population. Of course not every guy gets drunk andsexually assaults a woman—because that is what it is—but a lot do. For examplenone of my bosses ever acted like that. However, I do know quite a few peopleon the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme who did. A lot of it wasmutual, though some of it was not. Again... I never made the first move onany woman here in Japan. Come on... how many other guys do you know who werestalked by a beautiful Japanese woman. I only had to call a stop to it when itbecame obvious that I was going to die from a lack of sleep and severedehydration. Other than that, I quite enjoyed all of the sex.

Regardless... despite Maniwa-san havingpawed at my girlfriend (and no, it doesn't matter that he didn't know she and Iwere together then... though he was probably the only one in the city whodidn't know that, despite Ashley telling everyone we aren't!), he was a niceguy. I don't really blame him for pawing at Ashley - I had done that enoughmyself.

Arriving at his pharmacy, he has anassistant watch the shop while he ushers me to a back room - he's not going tofeel me up, is he?

I'm pleasantly surprised to see a verypretty young woman there named Wada Ayako (surname first) and less happy to seeher boss introduced simply as Ozeki-san.

This is one of the things I absolutelyhate about Japan--and really, it's a cultural thing. People introducethemselves as So-and-So-san (Mr./Mrs. or Miss So-and-So). There's very rarelyan introduction involving a first name. I've seen students called other by theirlast name - never a first - and it throws me. Where's the familiarity? It seemscold to refer to another person solely by their family name. I know it's a signof respect, but using a person's given name (first name) implies friendship orfamiliarity.

Hell... why do the Japanese call meAn-do-ryu-sensei. Andrew is my first (given) name! Joseph is my family name. Ifyou want to treat me like you treat other Japanese people, shouldn't you call meJoseph-sensei? Surely it can't be because I'm a a gaijin (foreigner)? Actually,I think Japan does know that gaijin prefer to be called by their given name. Iguess Japanese prefer to be called by their surname. It's probably an honourable thing to do.

Both Mr. Ozeki and Ayako-chan work at theAiAi Town grocery store here in Ohtawara.Because Ayako is going to Australia for one year, she thought she coulduse some practice speaking English first.

Okay... so why bring your boss?

I'mbetting they don't have AiAi Town's in Australia, so this isn't a businessexchange. I'm confused.

Regardless, both Ayako and the Man WithNo First Name speak English very well. Ozeki-san knows some German, so we chat alittle bit that way, as well. I'm not fluent in German. What I do know is whatI have gleaned from Sgt. Rock comic books and through episodes of of the old television show Hogan'sHeroes. It's true.

Maniwa-san (actually, I only ever calledhim Mister Maniwa) goes out and brings back a lot of beer and sake (Japaneserice wine), and some jumbo shrimp and sashimi to eat. Wow!When we finish everything off, we go tothe 4C bar for more drinks. I don't know why... this is my hang-out with Ashleyand Matthew, but I've never seen any of these people there... it hardly seemslike Mister Maniwa's type of place. Too classy, if you know what I mean.

Ozeki-san and I have Apricot Cocktails.Believe me, I'm not bragging. It was his choice. We also have a couple ofbeers... I think I'm in the double digit numbers for booze. Oh... and cutie-pieAyako keeps up.

At the 4C, I meet a Japanese guy wholives in Tennessee, US. He calls him self a red-neck and is a laugh-a-minuteriot. I have no idea if I ever asked him why he has come back to Ohtawarabecause I was toasted.

Who knew an apricot cocktail could pack such a punch?

I go home at 11PM and quickly fall asleepon the sofa. I awaken at 2:30AM, take out my dry contact lenses and then go tobed.

Somewhere I'm a teacher English effin'gre- burp -great,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Beatles: ROLLUP
PS: When did I actually teach any English this evening?

Call Me

This is the evening portion of Friday, September 6, 1991 for your not-quite so humble author, Andrew Joseph, an assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange &Teaching) Programme living in Ohtawara City, Tochigi Prefecture, Japan.

For what I did yesterday during the day, read THIS blog.

It's now 5PM, and I leave my Ohtawara Board of Education (OBOE) office, go home, relax and wait for Shoko to telephone me to tell me when and where to meet for our first date.

Shoko is the very pretty young lady who takes a night school English conversation class I teach for fun and small profit. I have my OBOE's blessing to do so, as they understand profit, and understand that it's good for a gaijin (foreigner) to be out there teaching more and more people how to converse in English. Teaching Shoko English could also be good for one particular gaijin.

Matthew, a fellow partner-in-crime AET living in Ohtawara nearby keeps calling me every 20 minutes or so to see if Shoko has called--but Shoko does not call. Or if she has, I've missed it because my phone lacks call-waiting (not sure if that was invented by 1991) or an answering machine.

Rather than just do nothing, I write a letter to a former student of mine at the night school class and one to my little brother Ben, who has helped keep me sane (such that it is) by taping tons of television shows. (Ben won an Emmy in 1999 for his writing skills on the kids animated program Rolie Polie Olie. HERE's an episode, though not one he wrote.)

When I head out to the mail box to drop off the letters, I fear that Shoko will call. But... she'll call again if she misses me, right?

By 11PM, still no Shoko. Matthew calls again at 12AM and asks if I want to go to our local hangout bar, the 4C. Sure.

Mutual friend Kevin is there. he tells me that Shoko was there earlier and tried to phone me. Figures.

I have six beers, feel bloated and toasty and head home convinced that im my last life I must have been one right royal bastard to have such wonderful luck like this.

Somewhere cursing a whole pantheon of gods,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog is brought to you by Blondie: COLOURME
PS: So... Shoko only did call once. Or she called 20 times and I was either on the phone or out dropping off the mail. I'm the architect of my own demise. I don't have her number... because I didn't want her to feel awkward in case she didn't want a second date and I did. I wonder if there ever will be a first date? Too bad... I had a fresh box of condoms all ready to try out and had washed all my bedroom sheets. I was never a Boy Scout, but there's nothing wrong with being prepared.

Rocket Man

Cripes. It's Sunday, September 1, 1991 - school starts tomorrow. I live in the small city of Ohtawara in Tochigi Prefecture in Japan. I've been here for 13 months, and I have greatly enjoyed my time here in this strange but wonderful country. The only thing that screws me up is the woman situation.

It's true that I came to this country nearly 26-years-old and still more virginal than a Catholic girl's school, but quickly got over that - though I wonder if I could become a born-again virgin, y'know, just for old time's sake. I've already hit double digits, despite having an unsteady relationship with Ashley for 10 months. Every time we were off again, I was on again with some woman who would literally throw herself at me. Crap like that never happened back in Canada. Never... I could have been on fire in my Toronto-area high school cafeteria or university or college, and not one single woman would have even noticed. Sometimes Canada is a really stupid country.

Even now in 2011, how come I never get hit on? Are women that lazy here - sit back and let the men come onto them, shoot them down and choose the one guy who looks super good but knows it? Welcome to Toronto's bar scene.

In Japan, it's a rare event when I don't have some woman try and talk to me at a bar. It's even rarer that I don't have a girlfriend or regular or even semi-regular sexual partner - but that's what is going on in my life here in Ohtawara. As such... I'm moody and agitated.

Up at 10:30AM, my friend Matthew who lives five minutes away comes over to my apartment. We then walk over to his place and get a ride from his girlfriend Takako to the Asian Rural Institute in the north end of town. They are hosting a picnic at Shinoyama Koen (Shinoyama Park). The Institute is a place for farmers from India, China, Pakistan, Indonesia - heck - Asia - to learn Japanese farming techniques so that they can go back home and apply it there.

Ohtawara, despite only having 50,000 people in it, seems to have a plethora of foreigners living in its boundaries. Along with the 12 people at the Institute (I've never seen so many brown people in one area before - I'm actually from white middle-class suburbia in Etobicoke - a city within Metropolitan Toronto and as of 2011 am still pretty much the only visible minority on the block... some 37 years after I first came to the area), there are also a lot of Japanese businesses (technical types) that have a few gaijin (foreigners) working at their plant for short contracts (from Canada and the US mainly). And there's Matthew & myself who live in Ohtawara, a few New Zealand bartenders, and others scattered around... it's no wonder this burg has an Ohtawara International Friendship Association!

And yet... despite the preponderance of foreigners, most of Ohtawara still seems stunned when they see me, as I am still often the first foreigner they have ever seen. I guess I get out a lot. (Matthew, too!).

At the picnic: It's hot out today. Bloody hot. India in August hot. Hovering at around 39 Celsius.As soon as I get there, I go for a beer and relax. It's a good thing I never (ever) get hang-overs, or I'd be a dead man every day in this country!

As I sit by myself, I overhear people from the Institute talking with Business foreigners with some Japanese locals (there are a few in Ohtawara) about me. They talk in Japanese and in English. I can't speak Japanese worth a damn, but it appears as though I understand a heck of a lot more than I should. When the heck did that happen?

These people are gossiping about me with me sitting maybe 15 feet (4.6 meters) away! They are talking about the number of girlfriends I seem to have.

I don't correct them on that, but do state that I currently have no girlfriends, and don't want one.

My friend Naoko.

Naoko, a Japanese lady friend with the Friendship Association, is ever nearby and asks me 'Why?" I tell her it's because people are always spying on me or gossiping about me, and how could I do that to another woman. Naoko quickly runs off and disappears in the crowd. And it seems like there is a crowd of maybe 100 people.

Suddenly the party-goers at the park, part like the Red Sea for Moses, and I see Naoko talking with Shoko, the very pretty, shy and quiet Japanese local who likes me and me her. Shoko is one of the students in my extra-curricular night time English conversation class I teach (and get paid handsomely) for the Friendship Association.

Feeling stupid from the alcohol and the heat, I want to get away from the gossipy gossipers, so I move off and try and hide. But, Matthew, ever-concerned for my mental health, follows me to ensure I am not by myself. Apparently I yelled my responses back to the gossipers.

Then Shoko comes over and quickly asks me out on a date!? God I love this country. I had always been reluctant to go out with her because I was afraif of the language barrier. Shoko was too, or maybe she just always figured I had a girlfriend and didn't want to be part of the revolving sextrade I had going for me in my apartment building.

Cool. Next Friday she and I will go out for drinks over at the 4C, if I am not too tired from my daily routine of working three hours a day team-teaching (with a Japanese teacher of English) at one of my seven junior high schools (chu gakko).

Despite this bit of happiness injected into my bloodstream, I still act and perhaps feel quiet, shy or aloof. I don't mingle much. I guess I'm still upset about people talking about me within earshot expecting that I wouldn't hear or understand them.

Even back in 1990 and 1991, I had always threatened Ashley (and others) by stating: "Never, ever piss off a writer." Twenty years later, I guess I'm proving my point.

After the picnic, Matthew and I head back to my place and watch some Sherlock Holmes episodes I had taped on my bilingual television and VCR (video tape recorder). We then go to some place called the Orient Club to exercise for three hours. I have no idea why Matthew even knows of this place, but he knows a way more about Ohtawara than I do, as he seems to have more of an explorers spirit, and a greater Japanese language ability than I will ever have. I guess that's why he has a Japanese girlfriend, and I only have a first date with a quiet, shy and reserved cutie pie.

The Orient Club has light cycles, treadmills, stair masters and some other stuff. It's a smallish place, but very clean and well run. We go for a swim, a sauna and then an onsen (it's like a hot tub but a bit bigger). I weigh myself when w start. It's 76.45 kilograms (168.45 pounds), and when we are done, I'm down to 75.85 kilograms (167.22 pounds)! My blood pressure seems a little high at 143/80. My body is hurting, but with the weight loss (I'm not fat! Yay!) I feel good.

Matthew and when finished, go over to the fastfood restaurant Mosburger. It's my favourite comfort food, and Matthew seems to know that. Give me convenience or give me death! Of course our supper blows all of our training, but who cares?!

My mom and dad call me at 12:30AM to let me know she arrived home safely in Toronto after mom came out to visit me here in Japan. Despite the lateness of the hours, I don't care - I couldn't sleep anyway... thinking about Karen, Kristine, Ashley, Shoko and my threesome with two hot Thai women a couple of weeks ago. That's why I'm so moody!

For five days in Thailand, I was getting sex four plus times a day for five days. Now I am not. Karen wants to be boyfriend girlfriend (and I just want sex); Ashley offers sex when she wants to as a friend-with-benefits (I also want a relationship); Kristine - I want a relationship, but she lives 500 kilometres away, and I think she's probably too good for me; and Shoko who I assume wants a relationship with me (but I'm unsure what I want with her - sex, yes, but a relationship with a nice Japanese girl would be a step up for me here in Japan - I am concerned about how we are going to communicate with each other when we have a language barrier. A physical relationship is fine, but I do want more.

Hmmm. Karen is offering me that (and my mom likes her; didn't like Ashley; probably would have loved Kristine; and been luke-warm with Shoko due to communication difficulties) but something about Karen is off-putting. Probably my need to have Ashley back as a girlfriend. I am so screwed up in the head still.

Hey Matthew - I don't think there is enough Mosburger in the world to make me feel better.

Somewhere restless,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Elton John: BLAST-OFF!
PS: I don't sleep well again - a recurring event here in Japan... either due to me thinking too much or not enough.