Strange Brew

Here is the fourth installment of five of my view from inside a beer bottle - a bar... the 4C in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. I wrote this back in March of 1992. In February my grandfather died. My cat died, And a friend of mine died in a car crash back in Toronto. Of course, no one in Japan knew what I was going through, though some people did realize I was a little out of sorts - sad, that is.

While I was pretty much depressed and drunk for that month (since I never get hangovers from drinking (still don't), I was a fully functional alcoholic for a month), the month of March was pretty damn prolific for me writing-wise as I would write three or four short stories a day - even while working as an Assistant English Teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching Programme) for an eight-hour day.

You can do what you want, as long as you make time for yourself to do it. You don't even need to be drunk or stoned to do it. And, while I am having a Rum & Coke as I write this, I'm sober. It was just a bad month in my life, and we all have those every once in a while. (Oh, don't even get me started about 2010 or 2011!!) What you need to remember is that it doesn't need to remain a bad time in your life if you don't let it.And I'm positive about that!

Hey barkeep... a round of drinks for all my friends! Let's speak English and have a good time!

BEERBOTTLE BLUES - 4 

Beer, please. 

Yeah, today I went to a coffee shop with some Japanese friends. 

Why is it that when I order in Japanese, the waitress always turns to my friend and says "Eh,nani?" (Huh, what?). My friend says it the exact same way I do and it'sunderstood. Eh, nani??!! 

Biryu, onegaishimasu (Beer, please) - and I don't want a building! What? Geez. A beer please. Isn'tthat what I said?! 

Don't get me wrong... there are a ton of great people out there. Too many of themwant to do things that renders menial labour obsolete for me. They'd doanything for me if I asked them. Of course, I'm not stupid to assume itshouldn't be reciprocated. One lady even made me a housecoat. Maybe I'll buyher a beer. 

Cheers to all my friends here. 

Why do some farmers speak better English than some English teachers? 

Still thinking about women. But, another piece of ass won't change my mind set. 

I'vegrown old here in Japan. Optimists say I've matured. Pessimists say I've becomeboring. Oh well, I've gotta be me. 

Hey, why won't the labels peel off? What do ya mean they're painted on? 

I'll have another beer and call it a night. I'm not looking forward to tomorrowmorning. Starting at 8 AM, trucks promoting yet another political racewill commence.That's election. Not erection! 

God, I need a beer.

Somewhere finding women appealing,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is smooth and done by The Cream: ONTAP.

Ice Ice Baby

Word to your mother: this is blog entry is about Japlish.

What is Japlish? It's Japanese English, of course. Every country that speaks English has variations on how the language is spoken. It's not necessarily bad or wrong, it just is.

With that in mind, I'm still going to poke fun at some of the Japanese Japlish stuff I saw mostly on binders while living in Japan many years ago.

First, but not necessarily overly funny, comes the dramatic Traditional Wardrobe Boston Club. The following statement - perhaps the company slogan - appears in English on shirts, notebooks, binders and stickers. Essentially on everything a student might have. It states: "It's very hard to keep doing one thing. (next line) Holding the real thing... that's my way of living a life."

I saw this on a binder: "Let's Do It For Real (next line) Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm." Kind of cool. Kind of a strong statement for something that first states they want to do it for real. I'm unsure what doing IT might be, but I have a few thoughts running through my mind.

On another binder: "Tico: Romancer (next line) It's so miracle world." It certainly is, my friends. It certainly is.

Midori Co. Ltd. Japan: "These are my favorite goods (next line) Everyday is enjoyable." This company is also the proud seller of the Midori soft pen case in the photo above. It, too, has a neat message. 


Despite the strangeness of the English... IE stiffness, the message on each is still quiet positive. The strange part, however, is that all of these messages of hope and misplaced words are written in English.

While the Japanese are certainly slightly enthusiastic about learning to speak English, comprehension of English words - especially translated word by word - will not really offer a proper representation of the English language.

Of course, neither does this blog. Touché, Japan.

I always wondered why companies would slather English all over anything and everything rather than the more effective and understood Japanese language that their Japanese customers might understand, but I know it's because English is cool.

Knowing a few words in English is probably a great way to impress your friends and confuse your enemies. 

Speaking of confusion... check out the following:

On a shower cap (the actual shower cap, not the packaging containing it, at a hotel I stayed at in Kyoto): "Make Yourself Comfortable (next line) ing to the plea, "Make us grandparen (next line) one of the poorest reasons I know (skipping two blank lines) bring a child into the wor (next line) second generation to cool"

Wow.

With two cute red hearts on either side of the top line: "HandyRazor (next line) Day Dream (next line) From me to you (next line) If there's anything that you want (next line) If there's anything I can do (next line) Just call on me and I'll send it along (next line) With love from me to you."

I love The Beatles. I wonder if the lads made anything off that one?

I saw a box for some product called Ice Brand:
"Be cool our body and soul. (next line) We coul feel the Ice Wonder land . (next line) Let's enjoy cool world! (next line) Be all for the best."
Just so you know, the typos are not typos, that's how it was spelled and that's how it appears... on pillows and match boxes, too. I still don't know what Ice Brand is, but I want me some.

Lastly... on a postcard book, the following was written all over the front of a collection of two dozen postcards one can tear out and use:
"Look up the sky, Can beat star's wisper. (next line) It's broken easily, so look at slightly (next line) and quietly .... There! begin to see (next line) shining gentle sight in your mind. (next line) The Gentle Art."

Somewhere I can righting the rongs with ee's,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is sung by Vanilla Ice to the tune of Queen's Under Pressure. GRANDMA
And, here's a great parody by Jim Carrey from IN LIVING COLOR.
PS: Should you want to continue with the retro, here's a previous blog I wrote about weird English on Japanese things: FLOWERPOWER.

Friggin' In The Riggin'

Continuing the epic exploits of other AETs (Assistant English Teachers) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme living in Tochigi-ken, Japan, ladies and gentlemen, someone (probably) introduces the introduction of one Jeff Seaman and his literary contributions to the Tatami Times, a monthly newsletter for Tochigi JET-paying members.
Jeff is originally from Yuba City, California - married a local Japanese girl and then stayed in Japan. He is still there, I believe.
Here we go, in Jeff's own words:

Seaman's Shorts
(I thought of a lot worse, so be thankful.)

• I don't like Japanese food, so when I visited Sendai and Ichinoseki, I ran into a bit of a problem. Solution? For three days and two nights I ate at Mr. Donut. Konisiki eat - and he does - your heart out.
• My favourite question from my sho-gakko (Primary school) visits: "Why do you speak English?"
• I get a peculiarly perverted pleasure from riding the streets of Sano-shi (City of Sano) and hearing children cry out: "Seaman! Seaman!" (Actually, it's more like 'Shi-man! Shiman!', but it's the thought that counts.)
• I was hit by a car! I was hit by a car! I can join The Club!
• A Fun English Class: A couple of nights a week, I play basketball with local guys here in Sano. As one might expect from 'jocks', they like to practice American slang. Last week after playing, a young guy came up to me and said: "You pen-is."
• "No, no. Pea-nis. Pea-nis."
• Pea-nis."
• "Ah, good. Okay, now one more time, please repeat after me - pea-nis."
• "Pea-nis."

He was a quick learner.

• Ya think the reason they all drive so bad over here is that they're exacting revenge on their driving schools? (Hey, if I had to pay that much, I'd be looking for revenge, too.)
• A parking ticket in Japan costs ¥15,000 ($150.00 US or Canadian).

Somewhere somehow glad the parking ticket my wife thinks she has hidden from me only cost $40 (¥4,000).
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is courtesy of: The Sex Pistols. I chose it because there are Seaman singing about their voyage. FRIGGIN'  Language warning, though.
PS: I was blown away that Jeff did not like Japanese food. I mean, what the fa - ? Every school lunch I get five days a week is Japanese food. My dinner's? Maybe three or four times a week. How can one man eat that many doughnuts or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and still survive. And Jeff, as mentioned, survived three years on  JET in Sano and then married a Japanese woman - what the hell is he eating?
PPS: Konishiki is a Hawaiian sumo wrestler who weighed in as the heaviest ever wrestler.
PPPS: The club Jeff is talking about includes myself, Catherine (Gasoline) and quite a few more AETs who were hit by car, but probably don't recall it.

Communication Breakdown

Here are 10 things everyone should know about Japan:

1. Everyone under 18 has black hair - see class trip to Nikko at right.

2. If there is any space available, they put a rice field or a 7-11 or a pachinko parlour on it.

3. Japan is not infested with evil giant talking robots. Some of them are quite small small and make good students.

4. Japanese condoms will not fit the average Canadian. Thank goodness.

5. They save money by not cooking their food.

6. They think rotting soy beans should be eaten - see Natto.

7. Everyone knows the theme song for the kid's television show Ultraman-7. Why are they singing part of it in English?!

8. They like to smoke and drink and sing and party to the wee hours of the evening.

9. Almost everyone has a radar detector, but can't speed because of the constant gridlock in the big cities or the goat paths cum roads in the small towns.

10. They all speak better English after half a bottle of sake.

Somewhere singing about robotic superheroes,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Led Zeppelin: ROCK ON!

Smile Like You Mean It

Y'know, sometimes the Japanese totally get it right.

I've been critical of the poor English used in Japanese advertising, on signage and on clothing, to name but a few examples. So, I think it only fair play to present to you all and to the folks at ENGRISH.COM an example of some clever and witty use of English on a freebie toothbrush and toothpaste gathered from a Novotel.

In the PET (plastic) packaging, if you look at the photo above, you'll notice the red dot... the rising sun of Japan... against the field of white. It's the Japanese flag! Awesome!

As for the English... just in case it's not clear, it reads: "Ah, you look so good to me. With my eyes open wide I can see. Ah, it feels so good to me. And it's so good when you're here'. Cause I'm free."

It ain't The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge - but wow. Kami (God) help me, but I once had Coleridge's entire poem memorized - not for school, but because I read about it in a Donald Duck comic book and wanted to be cool. Click HERE and see the third entry in - it's the 25th verse, and no I didn't need to count it before writing it here.

Anyhow, with regards to the toothbrush packaging, there's a bit of futzing with that last sentence - the apostrophe should be on the other side of the period beside the capital "C" - and I would have used a comma instead of period before that last sentence, but not bad, eh? It's probably why I still have the package after nearly 20 years.

Somewhere why looks thou so? I'm brushing up on my English,
Andrew Joseph
PS: Today's title is by The Killers: have a LISTEN
PPS: A few year's ago, my wife bought me a collection of Coleridge's poems. Now that is awesome.

Talk Dirty To Me

Despite the title, this blog was originally entitled ‘Bad English – Not a Musical Tribute’ back when I first wrote it in 1990. I just wanted to keep the rock and roll song for a title thing going
'I Feel Coke’ (back in Blog #2, I said I’d get back to this) and ‘Speak Lark’ are (as of 1990) two of Japan’s largest and most successful faux pas’ in the nations’ advertising world in both television and magazine. The first is a work of art by Japan’s Coca-Cola company (Click HERE for examples, and the second is for a popular brand of cigarettes that is hawked by many different hunky English-speaking male actors—like Timothy Dalton (Click HERE) of James Bond fame. The name’s Lark. Speak Lark. What the heck does it mean? As for ‘I Feel Coke’, sometimes I feel coke when I get a cramp from drinking my daily two litres of the stuff, but is that what they mean? I love Coke, though I’ve since been forced to switch to a sugarless version (Coke Zero), and have since cut back to one litre a day—still, it’s a crying shame that that particular slogan is allowed to fester like my impending stomach ulcer and diabetes.
Despite the nonsensical English used in these two slogans, it doesn’t seem to have affected product sales. In fact, judging it by its longevity (twenty – plus years and counting), I’d bet sales are (cough-cough-hack) excellent. I suspect it might be due to the fact that the average Japanese person doesn’t realize that the English phrases used are gibberish. That in itself isn’t terrible—I’m sure there are plenty of examples in American advertising, too—heck, just the name of Tim Hortons coffee shop makes me cringe... it was the brainchild of one Tim Horton (singular) a fantastic defensemen with the Leafs and Sabres of the National Hockey League, but the lack of an apostrophe for the possessive... aaarrgghh. Unless it’s okay, and then I’ll stand corrected.
Anyhow, what irks me are the many bizarre number of incoherent interpretations of the English vernacular that appear on the clothing or belongings of the Nihonjin (Japanese). Clothing is perhaps one of the greatest expressions of a person’s character. While it’s true that you can’t judge a book by its cover, most people do develop an initial feeling about others based solely on appearance. It’s why it irks me that the Japanese, in their lust to be more American, will purchase any item that contains what they perceive to be American-English on it.
By the way, I have nothing against America, I would just rather have my Japanese still maintain a bit of Japanese in them.
While aboard a train heading Buddha only knows, I saw a cool-looking guy with really long hair that partially obscured some writing on the back of his leather jacket. He was kind of a tough-looking guy, and I wondered if perhaps he belonged to a local motorcycle gang. After he flicked his pony-tail out of the way,  I began to read the back of coat: “We are good potato kids who like to play fun and games.”
Oh my! It’s one of the terrible Vichyssoise biker members who I think are affiliated with the Paris-based French Fries Motorcycle Club! The friend he was talking to had an embroidered long-stemmed black rose with large thorns on the back of his jacket. It read: “I am pretty flower.” I suppose that’s when they both turned around to stare at me, as I was laughing so hard I peed my pants.
Another evening, I had a very sexy Japanese girl over to my apartment for some of my famous chilli con carne (Hey, I had a fight with my girlfriend again, and it was over... again). While we snuggled under my kotatsu (the heater made out of a table that kept you warm when you sat under it), she asked me if I could tell her what the English words on her shirt meant. I stared long and hard, and then I looked at the words. I read them out loud to her. I tried to explain (gently) that the words on her shirt were not English, but Italian. She was mortified. I spent the rest of the evening consoling her. Twice.
Other instances I’ve observed have people wearing elaborate messages of goodwill that end up short of its intended mark because of faulty spelling or grammar:  “...and only in the rear shall the meek inherit the Earth.” Rear? The END maybe. Then again, maybe it’s correct afterall.
The most disgustingly annoying example of bad English occurs when the shirt makers attempt to incorporate what can only be automatic writing. This happens when the author writes everything that he/she happens to think of (much like myself, but with even less regard for sense).
An example of the automatic writing complete with CAPS and strangely placed sentence structure: “Pit Stop Crew; Since 1878; Campbell soup kid; Champion 1912-1914; We like good food and drink; Happy peace; gun shop is best; Think Pink.” This was all written on one jacket! You can’t make up stuff like this! Well, I probably could – but in this case, I didn’t have too. Perhaps the strangest part of this particular jacket is that there wasn’t any pink on it.
The worst example of poor taste I saw was a particular bomber jacket. This one looked just like what the U.S. pilots used to wear back in WWII. On the front, on the top left corner was the name of the airplane the bomber jacket purported to belong to: the Enola Gay. Not sure what that one is? Click HERE for some history. Think Hiroshima. All I can think is that some idiot clothes designer thought that would be a good joke to play on the Japanese.
So, what’s worse? Is it the clothing manufacturer’s disregard for proper English and good taste, or the consumer for not knowing English or their history?
Maybe what Japan needs is someone who can speak and write English well, as well as someone who cared, to proofread all of the copy transferred onto clothing for sale in the country.
I suppose if I bought a dictionary, I could do that job.
For some examples of what I'm writing about, check out this site HERE or simply google "Japlish".
Somewhere dry cleaning my pants,
Andrew Joseph