Tank! Cowboy Bebop

Today's the day I have to give a speech to the people of Ohtawara. It just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

At first, I thought I only had to give a speech to the Ohtawara International Friendship Association. Then I thought it was them plus or just the Ohtawara Board of Education (OBOE)... and now I find out it's for the people of Ohtawara. They are apparently interested in the views of foreigners of Japan.



I should just let them read a couple of my Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife columns I put into the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture) newsletter I'm in charge of putting out (The Tatami Times)... but I'm afraid they won't understand my humour... that I am too cynical.



It's Friday, October 4, 1991 and I am an assistant English teacher who visits one of seven schools each week to 'team-teach' the junior high school students there. It's an easy job, to be perfectly frank... or am I being earnest? No, wait... I'm just usually simple old complex An-do-ryu sensei who enjoys telling people all about how different are two countries are (I'm from Toronto, Canada), while at the same time showing them just how similar we are.



I think that throws the Japanese people a little bit, as they are fiercely proud of their individuality. Sorry Japan. There may be a lot of things that are wildly different from Canadian or US or Australian or English or take your pick of a country culture... but while I like to note the differences, there are so many similarities that I often forget I'm in a so-called foreign (gaijin) country.



Really. I suppose I have acclimatized well enough even though I can't speak, read or write the language.



Still... do I be insulting, or boring by praising everything... should I talk about everything, or just one thing?



While I enjoy taking the mickey out of everything... I might as well use this forum as an opportunity to make a difference, without being nasty.



My topic of choice was the Japanese choice of not wearing seatbelts in the cars. I use an old story about a friend of mine dying in a car crash who would have lived if he had been wearing a seatbelt.



I give the speech in English, with a Japanese translation done by Tokunori Suzuki, a local farmer who is the leader of the Ohtawara International Friendship Association.



It goes over well, I think, as I shock enough people, judging by their comments to me afterward. I chat with a lot of people - all of them speak decent English. A Mrs. Ito who lives in Yaita-shi (Yaita City) to the south says she wants me to meet her daughter, a 21-year-old studying at the university in Tochigi's capital city of Utsunomiya. Hah! I wish!



Hey! I wonder if she knows Junko - my sexually crazy stalker babe who dropped out of that university to follow me. We had great chemistry in the bedroom - and probably had great chemistry everywhere else if we had left the bedroom, but I sure as hell don't want anyone giving up their schooling for me. I might be an idiot, but I'm not an uncaring ass.



I go home, and then with Matthew and some other gaijin (foreigners) and nihonjin (Japanese), we head to the local watering hole, the 4C. There are many, many other bars within staggering distance of my apartment in downtown Ohtawara, but this is our chosen base of operations.



I have seven beers - Kirin Lager beer, a very tasty Japanese brand) - within the space of 90 minutes, but only have to pay for four of them, as people kept offering me drinks. Whatever. You only live once, right? I hope.



I head home at 2AM. I think Matthew left at the same time. We have to get up early to do some international dancing tomorrow in Utsunomiya. Hey... maybe Junko will be there!



Somewere hammered,

Andrew Joseph

Today's blog is by: The Seatbelts! Yeah man! The Seatbelts (シートベルツ are actually a Japanese funky jazz/blues group known as Shītoberutsu (which is how the Japanese might say 'seatbelt' via katakana English). They are led by composer and instrumentalist Yoko Kanno. Listen: COWBOYBEBOP. Here's more on the GROUP.

PS: As of June 2008, all backseat passengers in Japan have to wear seatbelts in all cars. Even in 1990-1993, while I was there, all frontseated passengers were required by law to wear a seatbelt.

Pipeline

Let's call today's blog a preface of things to come.

Today is Saturday, September 28, 1991. It's the beginning of the 15th month of my life here in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan.

Whenever I'm antsy, I tend to clean up my apartment. Not so today. Sometimes a guy just needs to do laundry.

I also head out to the post office to mail some letters home to family and friends in Toronto. At that time, being the famous gaijin (foreigner) that I am, the clerk says he has some mail for me. Usually, they deliver it - and all other mail written in English, to my apartment mailbox. I guess I just got there ahead of time.

That type of stuff would never happen in Canada... they have to deliver it to the mailbox.... I like that they know who I am. In fact, I'm willing to bet that the post office even knew I was coming there today, as it seems like there is some sort of underground gaijin spy network going on here in Ohtawara, where everybody gets a 24/7 update on just what their favourite gaijin is doing. Sorry Matthew... I'm the favourite. It's my blog.

Regular readers will know that Matthew is the other assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme who lives in this city (he teaches junior high school at the school outside of the city, and I teach at the seven within the city. He's my best friend here that I'm  not sleeping with.

The posties find a large envelope for me that I crack open immediately, as it's from Susan St Cyr, a JET head... who announces in her letter to me that she is resigning her position... aw, too bad (heavy sarcasm). At least she sent me 34,000 yen (US/Cdn $340) to cover my expenses for mailing out the prefecture JET newsletter The Tatami Times.

I rent some videos and continue to clean up a bit and then invite Ashley (my ex-girlfriend and current friend with benefits) over to watch Uncle Buck before we head over to the 4C bar for some drinks.

Tomiko, the cutie Japanese female bartender, asks me quite pointedly if Ashley is my girlfriend.

"NO!" I tell her quite emphatically.

The whole place hears my response but may (or may not) know what I was saying 'no' to. They probably all knew what the question was. It's that underground hotline.

I have no idea if Tomiko was asking for herself, for one of the six Japanese women in the bar, or all six Japanese women in the bar. Perhaps they were having a bet. Perhaps someone wanted to date me. Perhaps someone wanted to date Ashley. Maybe because everyone knows she was with me, but I've not heard of anyone wanting to date her. I'm sure there are men who do, however. Hmmm.

Despite me now after 14 months having sex for the first time in my life (thanks, Ashley) and having done so with more women than Ashley has ever had prior to meeting me... I feel jealous... for absolutely no reason.

Ashley and I have a couple of drinks. I constantly look around the place trying to gauge the actions and reactions of people to see who wanted to know about my social status... but can't figure it out. I assume now that the question was solely for me... I mean, they could have asked Ashley the same question.... but then again, she has always told anyone who will listen here in Ohtawara that she and I have only ever been just friends... while I have always done the opposite and said we were boinking as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Is that the opposite? Probably not.

Anyhow.. we leave the place at around 12AM, as she has to get home to clean up her place early... as she has a guest coming over.

It's Karen. The new senior high school assistant English teacher in Yaita-shi (Yaita City). The woman who wants to be MY girlfriend, and begged me to slow things down. I only ever wanted sex. Not another girlfriend... I figured it would be a better way to avoid a rebound... Karen wanted to slow things down between us... and suggested some space so that she could get used to Japan.

Fine... but she was the one who accelerated things with me. I hate that. Start me up, and then jam on the breaks. My advice for anyone is to not start what you don't intend to finish. Especially sex! Do you really think that endears men to you? We really do want sex. We'll take the relationship after... after we see if the sex is any good.

I haven't really talked with Karen too much these past few weeks since my mother left Japan. My mom had come for a few weeks to sight-see, and Karen glommed onto my mom and became her best friend. I have to admit that though cute, it kind of pissed me off.

As it turned out, my mom preferred Karen over Ashley... one who wanted me over one who only wanted me for sex... though my mother didn't know that.

Do mother's know best. In this instance, my gut says no. Karen has a lot of baggage, and while I am man enough to help carry it for her, at this point in my life I think I'd prefer to have my cake and eat it too... get laid as much as possible.... but ideally when the time is right, have a girlfriend with less baggage.

While my back is indeed better after seeing a chiropractor here, I don't need to hurt it again with a heavy burden to bear.

So... anyhow... Karen and Ashley are going to Nikko for a few days. I assume just the two of them... though it might actually involve a few other female AETs. Karen, though only here for two months, already went to Nikko with my mom. Ashley and I have been a few times already, and often go to a particular antique shop to pick up knicknacks... masks for her and pre-1867 ukiyo-e (Japanese wood block prints) for me. The proprietor of the shop has taught us many things on our two subjects.

Karen and Ashley going out to spend a few nights together out of town. If I had a dirty mind I'd think manly thoughts. And I do have a dirty mind.

Still... this meeting of the ex and the pre... well, that can only mean trouble for me sometime later.

I ride Ashley back to her place, get a nice kiss and then ride back to my apartment, ditch my bicycle and walk back in to the 4C, to see if anyone (female Japanese babe) wants a piece of me. They better hurry. I get t he feeling after Ashley and Karen's trip to Nikko, there won't be much of me left to screw with.

Unfortunaletly, when I get back... none of the six female patrons are still there, and Tomiko isn't flirting with me. Damn.

Oh well... I suppose someone somewhere is happy that I am here at the 4C by myself. I just know it isn't me.

Somewhere the noose is tightening,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Ventures: NOWORDS
PS: I know that that a pipeline in this song is a surfing term. I'm using it to denote a means of transferring information.

Message In A Bottle

My buddy Mike in Tokyo may like this: I have had a few too many this evening. My family is away - and I don't really have a care in the world.

So... what date is dear old Andrew talking about: is it today, July 8, 2011 (when I am typing this up in Toronto) or twenty years ago August 31, 1991 when I was living in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan?

Both actually.

As a result, I'm going to just phone this one in - at least I'm being honest about it.

I'm up at noon - having slept for 13 hours straight. They say you can't really catch up on sleep, but when you do actually get enough sleep (and then some), it feels like the weight of the world is lifted off your shoulders.

Mathew - my buddy from the State of New York (I'm currently in the State of Intoxication or something) - he calls me at 3PM to see if I want to go out tonight. Hell yeah!

To prepare, I go shopping for food and then go and rent some videos. I have to tell you: Matthew and ex-girlfriend Ashley and both rented videos and those sent from home helped me stay reasonably sane here in Japan, as it can be a rather difficult experience to not understand 90 per cent of what is said to you and around you. That's not Japan's fault - I should be trying harder to learn the language, but women, and time spent wondering about women, and time spent wondering what the hell some women are thinking has caused me to derail in my Japanese language studies.

As such, I'm looking to let off a little steam and get toasted tonight (right now).

Matthew comes over at 9PM and we go out to our favourite local Ohtawara hang-out, the 4C, a small little bar that can hold 20 people if they are Japanese, fewer people if there are gaijin (foreigners) involved - which there usually was).

Sitting there drinking, I don't let off steam the way normal people do. Nope. I want to be a writer when I grow-up, so I need to create! Currently (take your pick on the year) I feel down and depressed a bit - probably the melancholy created by the booze. Thinking about women again - but now I'm also missing my mom who flew back to Toronto yesterday.

As such, I come up with an idea for a series for the Tatami Times newsletter I put together for the Tochigi-ken assistant English teachers on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme. I call it: The Beer Bottle Blues.

It will be semi-autobiographical. It boggles my mind... am I really sitting here carrying on conversations with Matthew while I am writing in my head? I do this all the time. I wonder if I seem like I'm not there all the time to people?

At home after 2PM when the 4C closes, I lurch around the apartment  looking for a pen, and write four short chapters of it until 3:30AM. Chapter five I write in the morning while I'm on the toilet. Perhaps one day they will invent a portable writing implement - oh yeah, they did - a pen, pencil and paper! 

Those five short stories were previously published in this blog. But have a read and tell me if people should or shouldn't write when they are inebriated and sad:
Part 1: Beer Drinkers & Hell Raisers
Part 2: One For The Road
Part 3: I Can See For Miles
Part 4: Strange Brew
Part 5: Joy To The World
And, that's all I ever wrote of it. I guess I am still working on it via Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife.
Somewhere with a Flaming Blue Lamborghini,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog is by The Police: DRUNK&DISORDERLY
PS: A Flaming Blue Lamborghini was the drink of choice whenever I wanted to get blitzed. One would get you drunk. Two will be get really hammered. And three - well, according to New Zealander Mark the bartender - no one has ever had three. I make a mental note of the fact, and when I'm feeling stronger, I'll take that challenge just to see what will happen and what will happen to those around me.
PPS: Here's a recipe for the drink: Flaming Blue Lamborghini
1/2 ounce of Kahlua;1/2 ounce of Blue Caracao;1/2 ounce of Galliano;1/2 ounce of white Sambuca;CinnamonCreamLayer Kahlua and Galliano in a martini glass. Pour the Sambucainto a shot glass and light it on fire. Pour it flaming into the drink(ooooohhh ahhhhh pretty blue fire yay!) and throw a pinch of cinnamonover it for the crackling fireball effect. Douse the flames with creamand drink. Now... this is just one of several recipes on the Internet. I believe that Mark would use ice and Cream, puree it with the Kaluha and Galliano and then pour it with the Sambuca into a martini glass. Instead of setting the Sambuca on fire, Mark used Spiritus vodka - a Polish vodka that is 95% proof - this was atop the other alcohol in the drink and it was all set on fire. While Mark them poured in the Blue Caracao, I would would be sucking the drink back with a straw - while the drink was still on fire. Many a time I recall searing my throat, but being drunk way to quickly to really give a damn. And no cinnamon was harmed in the making of my drink.
PPS: Tomorrow I go on a picnic hosted by the Ohtawara Asian Rural Institute and don't talk to anyone from there.
PPPS: Hmm... I don't think I actually mailed this blog in today. Two years ago, Matthew e-mailed me with e recipe for the drink... I no longer have that e-mail after my computer crashed. Isn't modern convenience wonderful? Instead, I actually had to plumb the depths of what's left of my alcohol-abused memory and get the ingredients out. I actually can hear Mark telling me how he makes the drink in my head some 20 years later. Good on ya, mate!

My Back Pages

(L-R: Iso-san; Hanazaki-san (standing), pear farmer and wife, my mother Lynda Hyacinth Joseph

It's been an exciting past two days, as the people of Japan have really taken a shine to my mom, Lynda, as she visits Ohtawara-shi (City of Ohtawara), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan from Toronto.

I've been here 13 months already, so perhaps I am old news to the people of Japan... but then being invited to participate in - not just watch - the Sakuyama Obon Matsuri (Sakuyama Festival of the Dead)... well, it's nice to feel good again. I've been on a major downer lately as my girlfriend or woman troubles have really taken their toll on me. I'm not clinically depressed or anything, but I wonder if anyone I know is? Hmm. I'd ask, but I'm too much of a coward.

Yesterday, the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) took my mother and myself all around the outskirts of Ohtawara to see sites I've not even seen before. I'm unsure if that was because my mother was with me or if it was because I brought a large bottle of good Canadian whiskey for the OBOE superintendent.... I'm sure it was my mom!

It's Thursday, August 19, 1991, and I go into the office again in the morning. My vacation is up, so even though there is no school for me to teach due to summer vacation, I am still expected to be at work at the OBOE. That's fair, of course.

At the OBOE, I try to sort out the upcoming issue of the Tochigi JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme newsletter, The Tatami Times. I'm the editor-in-chief, which means I have to put the content together. Because a lot of new people have just arrived in Japan (and Tochigi-ken) one month ago, I need to make sure that I present them with interesting and useful materials along with the usual mindless comedic crap. The magazine is a mess... as I have no idea what to include or where to put it. I actually have too much material.

I head home at lunch and then pick up my film (or rather my mom's film) from the Iseya department store. When you receive your film back (remember, this was 1991!), the clerks open up the film envelope and show you a photo so that you can assure them that it is your film.

At Iseya, the place is essentially run by pretty young Japanese girls in their early 20s. They took great delight in opening up my mom's entire set of photos and placed them out for me—and the other young girls they called over—to see. I am always an object of great amusement for them. I wonder why I've never asked any of them out? I guess I need to gain greater Japanese language skills.

They ask me all about the places in the film, and who is taking photos of me. They giggle with delight as I try to explain that it is my mom's film and that I do not have a girlfriend right now.

I head home totally bedazzled by all of the female attention and chat with my mom a bit before heading back to the OBOE at 1PM. Hanazaki-san asks me with a pained look on his face of I am busy.

"No."
"Then let's leave."

So we do, dropping my my apartment to pick up my mom. I love surprises!

Iso-san, the gentleman who usually drives us around in his white van, joins us, but this time we are in Hanazaki-san's white Jaguar... what he calls his Toyota Camry. I'm telling you, I got lucky! My office crowd has a wonderful sense of humour... I've heard of other offices for AETs (assistant English teachers) are often rather dour.

Oh... and juts so you know, I had already given Iso-san (and Hanzaki-san) a present earlier, to thank him for looking after me here in Japan. It's nothing great, but it's from the heart.

We first go to the Sakuyama district (in Ohtawara) pear farm I visited last year (photo HERE) and get to load up on free pears and grapes. Okay, I do the loading up, as my mom is leaving for Canada tomorrow. Remember mom - don't tell Canadian customs you visited any farms!

Catacombs with 100's of Buddha statues.

Then we drive out to Yawn, sorry, Yaita-shi (Yaita City) to the Sawa Kannon-ji (fountain spring-goddess temple). It's about 400 years old and is in really great shape. We head down into its catacombs where there are hundreds of Buddha statues! Back topside, my mom and I load up on good luck charms (all of which I lost in my house fire three years ago).

It's raining now. What with Ame Otoko (Rain Man = me) and Ame Oka-san (Rain Mother = my mom), how could it not?

Iso-san then takes my mom over to the kimono school across from the Nozaki-eki (Nozaki train station) that is currently the only JR (Japan Rail) station in Ohtawara. To me, it's actually farther away than the one up at Nishinasuno-machi (Nishinasuno Town) to the northwest of Ohtawara.

My mom tries on a kimono... photos galore via her camera, and just to prove that it's not really a mom-thing, but a camera-thing, it runs out of film. I can see now in 2011 why digital cameras are so awesome.

Kimono school teacher and my mom.

My mom bought a kimono - just not this one... hers was purchased while out west. I'll see if it still fits me and take a photo. Not.

The school has a scale there to weigh bolts of cloth, so I get on and weigh myself, coming in at 77 kilograms (which is just under 170 pounds). All right! I've lost 3 kilograms (~6.5 pounds) since arriving. How the heck did I do that considering all of the booze I've been imbibing?!       

We then head back to the office, as I'm supposed to meet the new English teacher taking over for Nozaki Chu Gakko's (Nozaki Junior High School's) Ishihara Norko-chan (surname first), who was a good friend of mine. She introduces herself as Mrs. Hiyama... so I have no idea what her given name is.

Her English is rusty, but she's really nice and we chat for an hour. Why won't she leave and go back to her school?!

Hanazaki-san then drops us off at my apartment, and by US, I mean myself, my mom and Hiyama-sensei (Hiyama teacher). I guess bevause it was raining, I left my bicycle at the office - and it is now, in fact, pouring like someone should be building an ark and gathering the animals.


I was supposed to have dinner in Nishinasuno tonight with all of the other AETs in our northern section - including Karen, the new girl in Yaita who wants to be my girlfriend. I just want to get laid. I don't want a relationship. Anyhow, since it's my mom's last night here, I stay home and eat a burger and fries dinner.

Naoko and Suzuki Tokunori (the gentleman who allowed me to participate in the Sakuyama Obon Matsuri) come over to make their good-byes to my mom. I think she wishes I would have hooked up with Naoko, as she really took a shine to her.

She shows Naoko some photographs of her trip to western Japan, making sure she sees pictures of a guy she met that she thinks would be perfect for Naoko. Ah... my mom the pimp.

Everyone wants to talk to my mom - including Hiyama-sensei who is still there and joined us for dinner. I have to admit, it was nice to not be--or want to be--the center of attention for once.

Naoko, ever the classy broad, phones for a taxi to come and pick us up tomorrow. Nice.

Somewhere wishing these past three days could have lasted forever,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is originally a Bob Dylan song: This VERSION is sung by Roger McGuinn (The Byrds, whose version of this song I love), Tom Petty (& The Heartbreakers), Neil Young (Buffalo Springfield; Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - he's Canadian),  Eric Clapton (The Yardbirds; John Mayall & The Bluesbreakers; Cream; Blind Faith; Derek & The Dominoes - his dad was Canadian), Bob Dylan, George Harrison (The Beatles). Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.
PS: The photo up above is indeed one from my mom's camera - I took it. Hard to believe my mom is Indian with that complexion, eh? Plus, she's 52 in this photo. I refrained from posting a photo of her until this moment, her last fun day in Japan... she died two years later of a disease you only hear about on the television show House. It breaks my friggin' heart to look at her photo, let alone write about her. I know she would have laughed her head off reading every single one of my Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife adventures. She missed me getting married, having a fantastic son, and would have been there for me when I needed her the most. It hurts everyday knowing that and living in the house where she died. Crap. I'm tearing up now.

Blackbird

Hi readers... I know it's Monday morning and I should have a couple of stories up and ready for you... but work is still stressful for me. My magazine (Paying day job!) was purchased two Tuesday's ago... I had to finish up a May issue, put out a tradeshow guide and then pack up and get ready for the move. I start at a new facility doing the same job on Monday (today) that adds about 40 minutes each way to my commute, and I admit to feeling some stress in my life right now. I'll be doing one-a-days for a few days until I can get my rhythm back (I'll let you know when I'm back up to speed) ... As well, I know I also have to write four major articles for the June issue of my magazine this week... no rest for the wicked, I suppose.
Just as well that the time I am writing about today is rather dull... and for that, I apologize... but starting tomorrow, things will pick up... I meet an old friend, meet some new friends, and some new women. I also go on vacation in another country with my mother before she arrives back with me in Japan. Old girlfriend, new girl friend and my mother. It's a hectic month to say the least.
Just not this blog entry...

July 26, 1991. Friday. Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan.
I go in to the Ohtawara Board of Education (OBOE) office early and do some computer work--word processing... IE typing, printing and then photocopying.
I put together the August issue of The Tatami Times - a newsletter for JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme personnel living in the Tochigi Prefecture. I'm the editor and chief bottle washer.
When I'm done making 50+ copies, I then ride out to the Nishinasuno-eki (Nishinasuno train station) and zip down south to Oyama-shi and meet MariAnn Hironka who has pretty much assumed command of AJET (Association of JET), after our leader, Susan, has let things tumble...
Susan is still in charge, but MariAnn and I are doing a lot of work in preparation of the newcomers arriving on Sunday... though we (or at least I) won't be meeting them until Monday after they get a day to recover from the jet-lag before plummeting head first into the JET lag of our association.
MariAnn and I put together a book for the newcomers until 6PM... we stop, get some dinner before I head home at 9PM.
At home, I dictate corrections to MariAnn over the phone... she'll type up and print out things for the newcomers. It's an important responsibility... the more information they are armed with, hopefully the less stress they will go through initially.
Last year, I hardly had any stress, except for what I created for myself with an on-again/off-again romance with Ashley... an American who was my girlfriend but is now my friend with benefits (nudge-nudge-wink-wink). She left earlier this week for a vacation back in Augusta, Georgia with her family.
I miss her, but I'm also trying to move on, as she has made it clear that despite the awesome sex, we're not going to be a couple.
At this time in my life, I also hate AJET (lots of work and it seems little reward for myself) and MariAnn and her snotty then buddy-buddy attitude.

Saturday, July 27, 1991.
My friend Matthew, who lives five minutes away from me and teaches at the junior high schools out side the city where I teach, has headed down to Tokyo-shi today. The plan is that I'll meet him tomorrow... meaning I'll have to travel the trains by myself. Gods, I hope I don't get lost!
At my apartment, I do odd jobs and straighten up the place.
Matthew's girlfriend, Takako, a gorgeous local here in Ohtawara-shi, has agreed to stop by and feed my goldfish and water my plants for me while I am away in Tokyo looking after things. Tomorrow, I'm meeting my friend John from back in Toronto who has invited himself over - and why not?
Despite the anxiety of the next few upcoming days, today is pretty uneventful... and while I know I should be grateful to have a day like this, I'm going to be going full tile tomorrow and the next few days.
I hope my brain, liver and self-respect survive... but I'm not taking any bets on that.

Somewhere alone in my apartment-partment-partment-ment-ment-nt-nt,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by: The Beatles: FLY.
PS: I don't think my place has been this quiet since I arrived in Japan...

Lost Woman

It's Thursday, July 16, 1991. I'm an assistant English (AET) teacher on the Japan Exchange & Teaching (JET) Programme here in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture) in Japan.
It's raining. The alarm goes off at 7:05AM but I don't emerge from my bedroom until 7:30AM. I'm exhausted. It can't be physical. It must be emotional or mental.
I decide to walk to work - why have rain splash up from the rear back tire and hit me on the bum?
My boss, Hanazaki-san, at the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) tells me: "And-ryu- sensei (Andrew teacher), You have many, many holidays. Please take them.
No problem on my part, but I tell him I think I have about five days left. He corrects me saying its 15. Wow. That's a lot.
So... starting tomorrow, I'm on holiday.
Also... the month of August is a total holiday. All paid!! Yay! There is no school in August... Japanese students get one month's summer holidays (In Canada and the U.S., it's two months--three if you are in elementary school).
I have an AET meeting for JET representatives today down in Utsunomiya-shi (Utsunomiya City - the capital of Tochigi-ken)--because I'm the Editor of The Tatami Times newsletter, I have to participate. Apparently the Tochigi-ken JET has gone into the toilet in a the past few months after a new president was elected--Susan St. Cyr.
My other boss, Kanemaru-san, will drive down there and hopefully he'll be able to stop off and see his daughter there in university... I wonder if she knows my stalker, psycho-chick hotstuff ex-girlfriend Junko? It's such a small world, that I bet they are best friends.
I need to find out at this meeting if I can still be the Editor of the newsletter and not be an JET member... if not, I'll probably relinquish the position.
Arriving in Utsunomiya on time at 3:30--thanks to Kanemaru-san--I head over to the meeting place... but no one shows up. I am so pissed off.
I hang around until 4:30PM and then head home.
I call a few other AETs and find out that Susan had canceled the meeting because her office wouldn't give her the day off. She knew this before! Why wasn't I informed?! I am so ticked off! Women!!!
Trying to relax, I wonder if Ashley will come over tonight. She has another enkai (party) tonight.
She does come over, of course. Drunk and horny. And I'm completely sober.
We give each other massages and then I jump her and we go at it like a mongoose and a cobra snake, except instead of death, we are entangled in sex.
At 2AM, we ride our bicycles back to her place--to make sure she gets home safely. She needs to have different clothes for work tomorrow, after all.
She's a little wobbly on her bicycle... either from the enkai or from me.

Somewhere feeling a bit more relaxed,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by the James Gang: RIFF

Monkey Bars

The next couple of days of my life in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan are presented here:

Thursday, June 27, 1991. I only had two classes to teach today atWakakusa Chu Gakko (Wakakusa Junior High School). Since I have a lot offree time, I try to keep to myself and do a little studying ofconversational Japanese - interacting with whomever comes by  - butmostly, it's a dull little day.
I head back to my apartment, eat a sandwich for dinner and watch a fewvideos of television shows from back in Toronto and then get a ridefrom Matthew's girlfriend Takako out to Mishima for an Englishconversation class.
It's a hot evening - but it's fun. I have a good time... mostly becauseI'm sitting next to a cute 19-year-old girl who really likes my redshorts. Although there is a seven year age difference, what scares meoff from asking her out is her mother who sits on the other side of her.
I whisper to her that her mom scares me.
The young girl whispers back that her mom scares her too!
That makes her even more attractive.
Afterward, I ride out to the Big One video store and establish a membership and rent Indiana Jones III, The Last Crusade.
I watch it and then go to bed at midnight. This is early for me - butsince I'm not getting any sex, there's no need for me to be awake.

Friday, June 28, 1991.
I'm up at 6:30AM thanks to a dog across the street barking. I love dogs, but I hate them when they wake me up.
I do a load of laundry and then head out to the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) for an office day.
I put together The Tatami Times newsletter for Tochigi-ken JET (JapanExchange & Teaching) Programme teachers - of which I am one. Aftercompleting 40 copies at 36 pages each, I realize that I have messed up.
The It's A Wonderful Rife monthly column I created was the exact sameone I had used the previous month. Obviously, this monthly column waswhat inspired this blog.
I create a new one in 30 minutes and then begin the photocopying anew. I've killed a lot of trees today - I feel so Japanese!
At lunch I ride home and check my mail. There's a letter from my friendConnie back in Toronto - with a photo. Sexy! See above. She writes thatshe wants to see me. Friends or not, now I want her. I am so horny. Sheand I would make an interesting couple... so at the office, I writeback to her in the afternoon, send it off and write another Rife fornext month's issue.
I go home and clean-up. Why is my place such a mess? There's no onethere except me - unless... Junko! She isn't breaking in and making amess, is she? No. That would be insane... and why would a woman who wasstalking me be insane. She has good taste, however.
Junko was the 21-year-old university student who had visited Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara JuniorHigh School) last week on a five-day internship to learn how to be ateacher. I just so happened to be teaching at that school - and she andI hit off fantastically well  - so much so that the term monkey sex mayhave been coined from someone listening to us frolic.
I know... that's just ego - but what and ego!
Anyhow... since it was only supposed to be a Monday to Friday trystbefore she was to go back to school, I was more than a little surprisedto discover that the beautiful Junko had followed me down toUtsonomiya-shi (Utsonomiya is the capital city of Tochigi-ken) lastFriday and then to Tokyo Disneyland on Saturday.
Either had some magical power over women that made them fall instantlyin love with me (Uh, yeah... right) or she loved me for my money (I'monly rich in the things that count, unfortunately) or because I'm hunglike a horse (neigh to that). Or she was a little bit coo-coo bananas.Or maybe a lot.
Whatever it was, if I wasn't so hung up on Ashley I wouldn't haveminded spending my life with a bananas woman into monkey sex. It hasape-eal.
But nope. My mind was not quite where my groin was. What a stupid idiot I am.
Anyhow... after cleaning up, Matthew comes by to help me mess up my place again. I don't mind - I think I like cleaning up... just don't tell my parents! We watch Indiana Jones III (my second time in two nights) and them some Steven Spielberg Amazing Stories TV episodes.
After Matthew leaves, I hit the bed at 12:30.
Oh yeah... Kanemaru-san (my boss from the OBOE) came over earlier in the evening to put up a curtain rod for me in my bedroom  - noting that one of the office ladies would pick out a nice curtain for me and then the men would be back to hang up the curtain.
Japan is so structured in its gender roles, isn't it?
Kanemaru-san tells me that Ashley and I should be friends - because he can see how upset I am all the time.
He's afraid we are fighting.
Nope. Just not boyfriend/girlfriend... which sucks... personally... I think Kanemaru-san is correct.
Oh... and the phone rang again - no one on the other end... except for the gentle breathing. Ashley? 


Somewhere looking for the missing link,
Andrew Joseph
This blog title is inspired by Coney Hatch: SWINGINGSTARS  
PS - Don't worry - stuff will be happening soon. Maybe even tomorrow when I go on a road trip with Kanemaru-san, his wife and youngest son. I have no idea where I'm going!

Paranoid

You know... when I start each of these stories, I do so with everyintention of keeping things short and to the point. But then I startremembering things and I enjoy reading between the lines so you don'thave to.
It's Friday June 21, 1991.
My girlfriend of the week, Junko, leaves my place for the last time at7:30AM. She came prepared and brought a change of clothes with her.
I am out of condoms... I think I went through a box and half with her this week.
Since I am giving every single woman I meet  'the eye', it seems prettyobvious to me that I'm going to have to get my hands on more condomspretty darn quickly, because there's no telling if Junko has actuallyleft to go to work, or if she's hiding outside my door to jump me.
(Un)fortunately, she's not waiting for me.
Before leaving I drop a load of laundry into the wash. I need cleanclothes that don't smell of Junko when I go to Utsunomiya and Tokyothis weekend with my ex-girlfriend Ashley. We still like each other, soin my mind it means I'm going to get laid eventually.
Today is an office day at the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education). Iwrite a letter to my friend Doug back in Toronto. Go home and vacuum my apartment andput cloths in the dryer at lunch.
I also visit Iseya grocery/department store get a bite to eat forlunch. While I was there, I saw two gorgeous women - Filipino maybe -who were giving me 'the eye'. They were anywhere between 20-23 yearsold, maybe 5'-2" with long black hair. Yum.
I wish I could tell you that I went over and gave them both my phone number, but I didn't. Chicken.
I headed back to the office to shape The Tatami Times newsletter I putout for JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme people here inTochigi-ken (Province of Tochigi). I also write a letter to Kristine -why? Because I really like her and there are some things I prefer towrite down rather than say in a phone call to someone 500 kilometresaway. It must have been important, but I have no idea what it was Iwrote to her about.
It looks like it's going to rain. At 6PM, I ride my bicycle to Ashley'splace in Nishinasuno-machi (Nishinasuno Town) and head out to the trainstation to ride down to the capital city of Utsunomiya.
The two of us have dinner together - separate cheques - and then meetup with Susan St. Cyr at whose place we'll be spending the night beforeheading down to Tokyo Disneyland the next morning. David, another JETteacher is the only other person going with us.
Nertz. I didn't want it to be the Ashley and Andrew date in Disneyland.I was hoping to come and go from her as I pleased and hit on a fewother women or talk with a few other guys.
I wonder how this will work out? I'm semi-anxious to find out.      
My mood has already shifted in anticipation, with me about to walk into the lion'sden this evening. We are going to meet some of Ashley'sacquaintances: Chrissy, Sienna and Marion. They don't seem to like mewhich immediately makes it reciprocal.
Because of this, I'm not overly talkative to Ashley most of the evening.
Upon arrival in Utsunomiya, Ashley tries to call home on anInternational Pay Phone to wish her dad on his birthday, but it doesn'tseem to work.
We then look for a bar where we are all supposed to meet - find it,plus the three women who hate me and a Sienna look-a-like named Stacy.She's 17 and pretty, but there's something off-putting about her.
Surrounded by women I'm not sleeping with, I decide that I need to getdrunk. And quickly. I have four beers in a half hour, just finishingoff the last one when David and Susan walk into the bar.
We decide to go to Shakey's for pizza and I notice Dan Brudos leavingthe place. I call him back to join us knowing that these girls don'tlike him either. Maybe they just don't like guys. Or nerdy guys.
I'm totally wasted, as I have another couple of beers before we leave the pizza joint to find another bar.
Most of us wanted to dance - but not Sienna or Chrissy. Since they overrule everyone else, we went to a small hole in the wall where I beganto drink with an even greater ferocity.
Sometime soon, I became rude and obnoxious towards Chrissy whoattempted to impart some sage advice to me while she lurched off herbar stool.
I smoked about six of Dan's cigarette's - I don't smoke - spilled beer on a woman's hair and just acted grouchy.
This is the longest I've gone without sex this entire week - and I'm surrounded by women!
I did talk to some Japanese dudes who are architects - they were reallycool and fun, and moments before was heading straight into the toilet.
At 12:30AM, Ashley and I accompany Susan back to her little apartment.It's neat but small... about the size of Ashley's place, meaning it'sabout 25 percent of my apartment. Yes... the OBOE spoil me.
We pass out asleep. I wasn't really talking to Ashley. She did saysomething to me at the bar - and it really did piss me offbecause it was pretty insulting, I forget what it is. Screw her. She’snot my girlfriend.

Somewhere, desperation breeds tiny monsters,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Black Sabbath: DROWNING.

Here's the words: ENJOY LIFE because it's starting to fit my frame of mind.
PS: That "desperation breeds tiny monsters" quote is something I came upwith back when I was a teenager. It should be a more popular quote thanit is... which isn't popular at all. Sucks to be me. At least it doestoday.
PPS: Now that I'm with Ashley, I miss Junko. I wonder what she's doing?If she were here with me, it would have shut up all of these bitchywomen. Why did I tell her not to come? I wish she was here right now.

One Way Or Another

It'sSunday, June 16, 1991. Here begins a manic part of my time inOhtawara-shi (city of Ohtawara), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture),Japan. I'm an assistant English teacher (AET) with the JET (JapanExchange & Teaching) Programme working and teaching at seven junior high schools in this city of about 100,000 people.

I am currently without a girlfriend for two weeks - and I'm gettingsquirrely - nuts, that is. I am having a good time - mostly amusingmyself and hanging out with a few friends - in person and over thephone. Remember - this is before PDAs, cellphones and the Internet.

I'm up at 10:30AM. I finish cleaning up. Finally.
Ashley (my ex-girlfriend from Augusta, Georgia... I know, who goes toJapan to get an American girlfriend? Me. That's who!) calls me up andasks if she can drop by.
When she does (she's apparently just around the corner and uses a pay phone - assuming I'll say yes (which I do).
She drops off some News Of The Weird  - articles I copy and place intoa JET magazine called The Tatami Times, which I am the editor of -having replaced Catherine Komlodi  (aka Gasoline) - a women I secretly had a crush onthese past 10 months. We then sit around and watch a movie and eatpopcorn.
When it's over, she decides to accompany me to the video store... and just before we exit my apartment, I ask her  a question.
I ask her if she knows what I will miss most about our relationship?
"What?"
"The sex," I say.
She offers up some really nervous laughter.
I then tell her that if she ever needs to have sex to call me... of course, it should also be vice-versa.
I say it as a joke. Sort of.
But she didn't laugh at my suggestion. In fact, she didn't sayanything. Why? Because like it or not - even if I smothered her bytrying to get closer to her, I knew what I was doing sexually. Thankyou Xavier Hollander!
We ride out to drop off some videos, go shopping at Kanseki department store and thenride with her to her place. We chat for an hour and have a good timewithout arguing.
I make more suggestive comments - which I no longer remember - and leave her place at around 6PM.
Riding home, I run into my buddy, Matthew (originally from New YorkState). The two of us then run into Father Bernardo - he of the Catholic Church next door to my apartment.
I go home and clean up again. I guess Ashley and I make a mess of thepopcorn... I can only guess (in 2011) why the heck I'm constantlycleaning up my apartment!
I really do want to have sex with Ashley again. It was always verygood. I know my stained furniture and sheets imply she enjoyed it.
I think she still will.
I'm going to have to get her drunk one night at the 4C (a local bar) and then take her back to my place.
Hmmm - a plan!
So... I call her up and invite her to a Tuesday night party with somepeople from Nishinasuno-machi (the nearby town of Nishinasuno whereAshley lives).
I call up my dad to wish him a Happy Father's Day! Then I call up afemale friend back in Toronto - Juanita, whom I adore in many waysbesides friendship. I then get a call from another Toronto friend -Pat, a guy I've know for the past 10 years.
It's been a strange day.
The weather was just beautiful - about 75F with a nice cool breeze.
I'm in bed by 1AM with visions of Ashley rampaging through my head.

Somewhere, the game's afoot,
Andrew Joseph  
Today's title is by Blondie - I love this SONG! 
PS - another blog appears 8 hours after the publication of this one. It's more or less a good news one!

Go Your Own Way

Before we start... it has come to my attention that my blog looks quite differently depending on what type of Internet browser you are using. I create mine on Mozilla Firefox - and when I'm done, it looks perfect to me. When viewed on say Safari or Explorer - aahh, no so perfect. Spacing between paragraphs disappears. Photos are larger or smaller - pushing words into a two-character space... I just wanted to apologize. Sometimes, the different browsers make my blog looks like crap. But it's not my fault. It's yours for using a browser different from mine. Just kidding. I just didn't want you to think I'm a complete incompetent. I'm certainly not a complete one. On with the story:


It's Tuesday, June 4, 1991 and apparently my girlfriend Ashley broke up with me yesterday - which is strange because I swear I broke up with her on March 31.
Apparently guys, it's never over until the woman says it's over.
I haven't slept since Saturday night - I'm sure I have, really, but an hour here or there, tops?
I'm at Kaneda Minami Chu Gakko (Kaneda South Junior High School) in Ohtawara-shi (city of Ohtawara), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture) in Japan - about 9 and a half months into my stay. I could have had a kid by now.
School is a complete drag - probably because I let it be so.
All of the kids have questions for me. Here's the type of questions I got today:
"How many girlfriends do I have now?"
None.
"When was you first love?"
August 1 to June 3, Rest in peace.
"Is Ashley-sensei (Ashley teacher) your girlfriend?"
See the answers to the previous two questions.
And it went on and on and on. Every question was a personal question about my love life rather than something about .. oh, I don't know... Canada?!
For the third class of the day, I had to teach it alone. Now despite this school being so wonderful and nice, this particular class was akin to the Hitler Youth. Despite having another teacher there to control the students, she was useless. Students would point to that teachers chest and say "small'. Boys would point to their crotch and say 'big'. There was too much confusion going on and, as you may have gathered from the opening three sentences of this blog, I was in a bad mood.
Later when I had a chance, I told the English teacher, Mrs. Yamamoto, about my current troubles and was very sympathetic - and reciprocated about some of her problems - which I'm not going to repeat here - except that Japanese men can be pigs sometimes.
I get driven home at 4PM and head out to get my hair cut. I have dinner with my friend Matthew at Mosburger - a fast food restaurant chain that has to tasted to believe how good it is! Really. Go to Japan. Go right now and have a Mosburger. I'll wait until you get back.
Back? Good. I think. The rest of the evening is kind of boring.
I go home and do laundry, iron, phone Kristine and tell her almost everything. Truthfully, I didn't tell her why I was looking for her back on my last day in Kobe - and even a few days later, it wouldn't have mattered. Being separated by 500 kilometres is not the way to have a relationship - even a physical one, as I know I'm going to quickly want more than I'm getting. Still... in hindsight, I should have tried harder - or tried. Whatever. No use crying over spilled o-cha (green tea).
Kristine gives me a telephone number for a friend of her's named Rory. I could be wrong (20 years later), but they are either JUST friends, or were once boyfriend/girlfriend... proving that men and women can be friends after breaking up. Personally, I think it's all a trick.
She suggests that perhaps Rory and I should hang out in Tokyo together for a boy's weekend. Okay... what  the heck.
I call up my friend Tim (another AET) who's in Kuroiso about 15 kilomotres north of my town and tell him about Ashley breaking up with me.
He's also confused as he thought I had broken up with her days ago. Still, he, being a good friend, does nothing to bad mouth anybody and instead just opines that 'it's probably for the best.'
Tim tells me that he and Mona and some of her friends are going to Tokyo on the weekend, and we agree to meet.

I watch Knight Rider (a television show about a talking car!!?? - you can view scenes from the 1982 show by clicking on the show's title) until midnight on my bilingual television (it picks up audio signals the station provides in English, or Japanese or both at the same time, depending on what I want).
I read a book until 12:30AM and then lie in my bed until 7AM. No sleep though.

Somewhere having a waking dream of a Mosburger, 
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Fleetwood Mac: STEVIENICKS
PS: I was asked if Ashley reads this blog. To the best of my knowledge - no. Which isn't surprising because my wife doesn't read this blog. Not only does she fear I am stuck in the 1990s (1991, actually), but she seems to think she and Ashley look quite similar. My 40-something wife looks like 22 year-old Ashley? Yes - there is some resemblance,I suppose, but I only noticed that when she pointed it out.  Same coloured hair, I think. Both Sagitarius'. Same complexion, two legs, two arms, a head, same bo--...  y'know... I'm going to quit while I'm ahead and still have a head. But, to allay her fears I had to find a more recent photo of Ashley on the web. My wife is satisfied that they don't look alike or similar even. My wife still doesn't read my blog.
PPS: It's why I feel confident in writing that last paragraph. Hee-hee. 
PPPS: My brother or father don't read my blog. Who the heck is? How did we get over 3000 visits last month? I know... because it's fun AND factual! Thanks to all the readers! Now... if only someone could tell me how I can make money doing this!
PPPPS: Another blog appearing in eight (8) hours - about the nuclear reactor workers. 

Tip Toe Through The Tulips

Here's a tale from Gail Thompson, a very attractive young woman who was an AET (Assistant English Teacher) in the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme with me in Tochigi-ken, Japan. It appeared in the September 1991 issue of The Tatami Times English newsletter of which I was the editor and chief onani-ist. 

Helloand welcome to everyone! So what do you think about Japan so far? Ilove it and hope you will all have a great time here. The reason I mwriting is to tell you all about the Primary/Elementary StudentsEnglish camp that was held recently (I'll assume in August of 1991: Your Way-back Editor) in Awano-machi (town of Awano), near Kanuma-shi (city of Kanuma). Steve Heyd, Micahel Pilarski (another AET: Kindda foggy Editor) and I were privileged to be asked as assistants and apart from a few interesting incidents (how ominous: Ominous Editor), we had a grand time.

Imaginea bus load of food, eight kids all nervous but excited, three verynervous board of education people (they were really nervous) and threeAETs ready to speak English or communicate in any way possible, and youhave the scene of the first morning of the camp.
We all got on the bus and headed for a mountain in the depths of Awano-machi.The ride on the bus was an adventure that I don't think Michale willespecially forget. It started off okay. We did the usual introductionsand reviewed a few songs (to be sung around the campfire that night)and the kids were really good.

However, the roadstarted to turn more and more as we slowly wound our way up themountain - and we teachers started to look a little green around thegills. But the kids were reading, eating sweets and generally lookingextremely genki ('fine': Yer Dictionary Editor).
Whenwe finally reached our destination, the kids all tumbled out of the buseagerly waiting for lunch, while we teachers crawled out with a not sogood attitude towards the prospect of eating anything for the rest ofour collective life.
But lunch was a great success, and we soonstarted our hike through some beautiful Tochigi-ken(Province/Prefecture of Tochigi) countryside. The kids weer having agreat time catching dragonflies, and we spent our time prompting themto speak English.
Steve, Michael and I looked splendid in ourblack garbage bag make-shift rain coats, as we hadn't brought along amillion and one essential things needed for a camp - and despite that,our luggage was twice as big as the kid's. Where do they learn the artof packing and can I enroll in a class??? Of course, it started torain. We abandoned the hike - well, actually the three board ofeducation peole got very nervous that the kids would catch a cold, butwe tough AETs were most willing to go ahead. FIGHT-O! (I think that isthe way the Japanese say 'Fight' - Confused Editor).
Dinnersoon rolled around and the cordon bleu Steve prepared was delicious.Actually it was red beans and rice, and we all enjoyed it. But thekids?! Let's just say they preferred the standard camping dinner oftoasted marshmallows.
Now it was time to sing our songs - Michael did a great impression of a teapot, and was the star of the show.
You would think that the kids might be a little tired by now, but no! But guess who was?
Wefinally settled down and the voices of little munchkins saying (inEnglish) Good Night rang in my ears, and I fell into a deep sleep witha smile on my face.
All too quickly, it was 5AM, and these kids(at least the girls in my cabin - who the nigh before had graciouslylaid out my futon - good girls! - were up and running.
Afterbreakfast, we carved pumpkins and ate watermelon, packed up and weresoon on our way home. I'm sure the kids were happy and that they hadlearned something. It was probably the first time they had ever spenttwo days in close company of people from the USA and Australia, and Iknow that I certainly learnt a lot about kindness and communicationfrom my time with them.
If you have an opportunity, please go ona camp or some sort of international exchange activity. It will be agreat challenge, but an excellent chance to share fantastic experienceswith wonderful people.

Thank-you very much, Gail. Yousee people? Japan isn't just about drinking and getting laid - despiteme implying so very often in this blog. It's about sharing your timeand enriching the live's of others... heck... that's what we should bedoing anyways, regardless of what country you are in.

Somewhere wondering what the toilet situation was like,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is sung by the late great Tiny Tim: FALSETTO

Welcome To The Jungle

Hello Amanda Goodsell!

How are you enjoying your first month here in Japan in the large city of Ashikaga-shi, Tochigi-ken? You're a real pretty woman - I love your long blond wavy hair - okay, okay, I'm backing off. Yeesh.

Okay darlin', you've got the most beautiful mouth I've ever come across (that sounds dirty!), so how about you give me your first impressions of life in Japan as a 5'-8" blond from the U.S. who decided to come here in August 1991 as an Assistant English Teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme?

Thank-you...

• Big bugs
• Small people
• My kitchen sink is at knee level
• Perma-smile (boy, this hurts)
• (What am I doing here) 
• Why is there a sink in my toilet?
• I'm sorry I forgot to take my shoes off.
• How can anyone wear pantyhose in this heat?
• Praise-be for bilingual television!
• (But I never would have been excited about Knight Rider before.)
• Which way does the hanko go?
• (Are those rice fields?)
• I'm so happy my predecessor was perfect.
• Why don't they wear sunglasses?
• More packets of JET information? Why THANK you!!!
• What do you mean, "The directions are in Japanese?"
• I need more omiyage (gifts to give out) Tobu department store to the rescue!
• I come from the galaxy - not Mars, OKAY!?!
• WHAT AM I DOING HERE!!???

Somewhere wondering if I should hit on her,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is rocked out by Guns N Roses: FUN&GAMES
PS: Amanda was quite obviously shell-shocked upon arriving here in Japan. I did not actually try to hit on her. I knew it wouldn't work, as I believe she told me so after first saying hello to me back in Tokyo when I went down to scope out the chicks - I mean welcome the JET newcomers to Japan.
PPS: Amanda recovered quickly enough and soon became a power fixture in our Tochigi-ken, taking over for me as editor of the monthly Tatami Times JET newsletter after I got tired of the politics (and was depressed over the whole girlfriend thing and quit being the Editor). I was getting regular sex from a lot of different women - but I had no girlfriend. I'm sure I'll explain more later.
PPPS: The cover image at the top was from the September 1991 issue of The Tatami Times. I'm unsure now where I got the image from, but I certainly had students who acted like The Three Stooges! This is the cover to the issue Amanda's First Impressions was first printed.

Only Women Bleed

Because I'm still bagged from being sick for lo these past 12 days, I'm going to offer up a pair of Seaman's Shorts - that's what Jeff called his column in The Tatami Times - an English JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme newsletter for AETs (Assistant English Teachers) and CIRs (Co-ordinator of International Relations.

Though undated (I forgot to add the friggin' date to the cover), it was from August 1991, with an awe-inspiring cover drawn by my friend Matthew Hall.

Jeff, originally from Yuba City, California was - after myself - the next to create a monthly column for the newsletter. That was when I created It's A Wonderful Rife - yes, some of what you are reading was written before... but I only did about 80 columns... check it out... I've done about 280 so far... so you are getting some original content.

Now this piece, as mentioned, was published before... so forget about all that crap I wrote about original content...  as well... me being an ego-maniac (and a damn great one at that), along with my Rife's, I also did a monthly Thoughtless column, as I liked how Jeff presented his.

Enough background, here's the foreground.

Jeez, I take a lousy month off and my 'format' is 'stolen'. Do I get any royalties, A.J.? (Ed. Note: I have no idea who he is talking about).

• My favourite definition: In a third-year junior high school class, the JTE (Japanese teacher of English) asked for the translation of "Miss". The student stood up and with a huge smile forming on his face, said in English: "Virgin."

• I'm leaving for California in August - not sure which is more apt: my Leaving for Home Countdown or I'm Getting the Hell out of Japan! Countdown?

• I hope you all caught the article about the girl who was banned from competing in the really important sumo matches - after kicking the butts of, I believe, six boys. (Ed. Note: No Jeff, what was the article about?). As you all know, of course, females are prone to that whole 'bleeding thing' - that's why they are impure - and we just can't have a female getting up on the dohyo (sumo ring), lifting one leg for the shiko o fumu (lifting of leg and stamping it down - it's part of the sumo warm up done prior to each match) and squirting blood all over the place. You know, they really should invent something to soak that stuff up.

• Upon complaining about the ungodly summer in Japan, a teacher said to me, "Don't whine; In the Olden Days poets used to write poems praising the Rainy Season."

So... with that in mind, I now humbly offer you an:

"Unmetrical Ode to Summer in Japan"
"To Japan I unfortunately did go,
To learn about this thing shitsudo (humidity).
Shitsudo how I love thee;
My pores they do flood me
When the humidity reaches 80 percento."

Thanks Jeff... you're starting to write like a poet even though you don't rhyme like you know it.

Somewhere wondering if women have got that bleeding thing fixed yet,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is sung by Alice Cooper: RUNNYMASCARA
PS: In Jeff's poem, the term 'percento' is the way the Japanese say the English word 'percent'.  
PPS: It's just a coincidence that Matthew drew the sumo cover upon which Jeff's piece first appeared.
PPPS: Here's a related link to an article in the news on Friday (yesterday!): KICKBUTT
 

Waiting For A Girl Like You

This entry was written by my friend and fellow AET (Assistant English Teacher), Jeff Seaman, whom I met in Japan as part of the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching Programme). It was published in our prefectural JET magazine, The Tatami Times in June of 1991, and offers an insight of what it's like to grow up not-quite Japanese in Japan. The young lady, about whom this is written, was a junior high school student at one of Jeff's schools.

It is entitled:  
A Foreign Tongue 

She wouldn't speak her native language.

She was born in the Philippines, and was raised on Filipino, English and Spanish. She had forgotten the Spanish, could still speak some English, and now, because she was living in Japan, she would only speak Japanese and English.

I was sitting at my desk; two students were waiting for the teacher who sits next to me, and they were doing the Gaikoku-jin (student) hover. Finally, out of nowhere, one of the girls pointed to her friend and said, "Gaijin (foreigner)."

I found this incredibly tactless and painful, but I rolled with it. Her friend was darker than most, spoke fluent Japanese and had been born in the Philippines.

"Ah, is that so? I once dated a girl who was half-Filipino. Her father was from the Philippines."

I showed them some pictures, and asked her many questions. I finally asked her what language she was raised on, and then asked her to say something in Filipino.

I had pushed the wrong button.

She fidgeted, glanced furtively around the room as if conducting a drug deal, but wouldn't say anything. Instead, she reached for a piece of paper and wrote the Filipino word for 'Good morning."

When I tried to pronounce it out loud, she actually winced, checked the room again, and nodded in approval.

Then I finally understood.

With a broken heart I told her she should be proud of her native country and her language. She only nodded, half-paying attention, still checking the teacher's room for eavesdroppers.

Her name is Ponciella.

I told her it was a beautiful name.

She doesn't think so.

Thank-you Jeff. Beautiful and sad.

Somewhere hoping she likes her name now,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by: Foreigner: WAITING

A Day In The Life

As editor of The Tatami Times - the Prefecture of Tochigi's most powerful English-language monthly newsletter for the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme for AETs (Assistant English Teachers), I had a lot of time on my hand. For the first issue I wrote darn near everything, with a few submissions from Ashley and Matthew to help me out.
And then it got weird. I started getting submissions from a lot of people. As a result, I didn't have to write as much. Which depending on one's view of things is a good thing or a bad thing.
In 1991 I was probably at my peak of being creative - writing three of four short stories a day. Now I just do a blog - oh yeah and write three to six articles a month for a Canadian industrial trade magazine. I'm also a pretty fine comic book writer (I do have over 30,000 comic books), but aside from having maybe 20 stories published by Strange Fun Comics, I'm not a professional - and should the stars ever align themselves, perhaps I will be in 2011.
Still... in 1991, as mentioned, people sent a lot of submissions to The Tatami Times newsletter. One regular contributor for the first several months of 1991 was one Marina Izatt, and Aussie who traveled to Japan with her husband Rob and five-year-old son Douglas.
Douglas was a fine young lad - and good grief, he's probably a university graduate by now! But back in 1990-91, he was a kindergarten student in Japan.
I can barely understand my own five-year-old explaining things to me, so I can only imagine the angst this kid must have felt trying to talk to other Japanese kids or to his teachers. Worst of all was the fact that he stood out even more than the rest of us gaijin (foreigner) - and more than us adult gaijin, Douglas was a curiosity to the Japanese.
Courtesy of Marina, here are some altered Calvin & Hobbes cartoons originally drawn and written by the fantastic Bill Waterson (here's a link to what seems to be a GREAT site on him!).

Somewhere glad I'm not five-years-old,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog is powered by The Beatles: PEPPER

PS: For your edification:
'chisai' = small size
'gaijin' = foreigner
'baka' = 'stupid'
'ichi' = one
'ni' = two
'san' = three
'kowai nai' = 'forget it' or perhaps more eloquently: 'screw this!'

The Haircut Song

I've previously presented a few blogs from my time as editor/ photocopier/ typist of the Tochigi-ken JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme AET (Assistant English Teacher) monthly newsletter, The Tatami Times. Each shows an alternative - yet equally wacked out view of the gaijin (foreigner) perspective of life in Japan.
So, without much further ado, allow me to present a piece by one Marina Izatt, a wonderful young lady who brought her husband Rob and (I'm guessing) five-year-old son Douglas with her from Australia for the year between August 1990 through July 1991.
When I/you think about how tough I make believe my time was in Japan, think about what life must have been like for a four going on five-year-old who only speaks English (granted it's Australian English) (Just kidding Aussies!) into a country where English speaking is still in its infancy? Tell ya what... tomorrow I'll present some comic strips altered by Marina and Rob about their son Douglas. Today we'll examine Marina's tale that first appeared in the classic May 1991 Tatami Times issue  - the cover of which is featured up here to the left. Consider if you will that The Simpson's had only been on TV for about a year and that Bart and company was not yet an institution, but was well on its way to becoming one. Hell, I used to watch The Tracey Ullman Show and first saw the yellow family appear then!
Okay Marina, make the Canadian stop blathering and take it away for today:

A Hair-Raiser Of A Day
Before coming to Japan, I made a pact with myself. Last Saturday, I went out knowing that I was about to break that pact.
My hesitance had always been the result of the underlying fear of an outcome that I would be unable to change. The language barrier was an ever present problem and although my logic told me that by simply using my dictionary I should overcome any great problem - but there still remained a hint of  'But what if...'
For example, what if my interpretation of a word differed , even if its translation was simple enough? One must always be aware of cultural differences.
As I brushed the hair out of my eyes and took a deep breath, I set off on my bike leaving Rob and Doug behind - knowing that things may look different on my return.
I tried to justify my actions, despite friends warning me against what I was about to do. Many had made the same decision as myself, and later regretted what they had done.
What could be the worst thing that could happen?!!
As I pedaled down the narrow street, I could see the building which was my destination. At 9:30 AM, the street was deadly silent. At first, there appeared to be no one around, however finding the door unlocked, I let myself in.
The discussion which followed seemed to be a 'to-ing and fro-ing' of words, as we exchanged meanings with the help of our dictionaries. Finally, we seemed to agree, and in the belief that we understood each other completely, I sat back in my chair. 
The next three hours now seem a blur. There were moments of uncertainty, however, we continued.
I recall looking across the room and catching a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I could see that I had passed the point of no return. But as I attempted to keep a positive view on the situation, Rob and Douglas entered the room. 
They'd followed me, unable to wait at the apartment.
The silence was broken first by Doug as called to his father: "Look at mummy's curly hair!!!!!!"
Yes, I did it - the one thing I vowed never to do. I got my hair permed in Japan.

Marina (Curly) Izatt
(Or, from the Izatt family: Larry, CURLY and Moe).

Somewhere needing a haircut,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Ray Stevens who also penned such classic novelty songs as: Ahab The Arab; Gitarzan; and The Steak, along with the Grammy award winning Gospel song: Everything Is Beautiful. Today's title is a novelty song - but the opening gambit perfectly sums up Marina's temporary permanent: HAIR.

PS: The perm in Japan is a tricky thing... y'see, female students are NOT allowed to have anything but straight hair - and kami (gods) help you, should you have curly or wavy hair, you need doctor's notes to prove it hasn't been permed. Also, in the 1990s at least, the only people who had permed hair back then were members of the Yakuza - not all, mind you, but those that had it were more than likely involved in some sort of gentleman's social club activity, if you know what I mean. I never did get to see Marina with her perm - and I only wish I knew what her student's (and teacher's) reaction was! I'm betting it was a big deal - but not that big a deal - as she's a gaijin and we have strange ways.
PPS: The image at the top shows off Bart's classic spiky hairdo, too. And what the hell are you looking at?

Friggin' In The Riggin'

Continuing the epic exploits of other AETs (Assistant English Teachers) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme living in Tochigi-ken, Japan, ladies and gentlemen, someone (probably) introduces the introduction of one Jeff Seaman and his literary contributions to the Tatami Times, a monthly newsletter for Tochigi JET-paying members.
Jeff is originally from Yuba City, California - married a local Japanese girl and then stayed in Japan. He is still there, I believe.
Here we go, in Jeff's own words:

Seaman's Shorts
(I thought of a lot worse, so be thankful.)

• I don't like Japanese food, so when I visited Sendai and Ichinoseki, I ran into a bit of a problem. Solution? For three days and two nights I ate at Mr. Donut. Konisiki eat - and he does - your heart out.
• My favourite question from my sho-gakko (Primary school) visits: "Why do you speak English?"
• I get a peculiarly perverted pleasure from riding the streets of Sano-shi (City of Sano) and hearing children cry out: "Seaman! Seaman!" (Actually, it's more like 'Shi-man! Shiman!', but it's the thought that counts.)
• I was hit by a car! I was hit by a car! I can join The Club!
• A Fun English Class: A couple of nights a week, I play basketball with local guys here in Sano. As one might expect from 'jocks', they like to practice American slang. Last week after playing, a young guy came up to me and said: "You pen-is."
• "No, no. Pea-nis. Pea-nis."
• Pea-nis."
• "Ah, good. Okay, now one more time, please repeat after me - pea-nis."
• "Pea-nis."

He was a quick learner.

• Ya think the reason they all drive so bad over here is that they're exacting revenge on their driving schools? (Hey, if I had to pay that much, I'd be looking for revenge, too.)
• A parking ticket in Japan costs ¥15,000 ($150.00 US or Canadian).

Somewhere somehow glad the parking ticket my wife thinks she has hidden from me only cost $40 (¥4,000).
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is courtesy of: The Sex Pistols. I chose it because there are Seaman singing about their voyage. FRIGGIN'  Language warning, though.
PS: I was blown away that Jeff did not like Japanese food. I mean, what the fa - ? Every school lunch I get five days a week is Japanese food. My dinner's? Maybe three or four times a week. How can one man eat that many doughnuts or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and still survive. And Jeff, as mentioned, survived three years on  JET in Sano and then married a Japanese woman - what the hell is he eating?
PPS: Konishiki is a Hawaiian sumo wrestler who weighed in as the heaviest ever wrestler.
PPPS: The club Jeff is talking about includes myself, Catherine (Gasoline) and quite a few more AETs who were hit by car, but probably don't recall it.

Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict

Here in 2010, I rediscovered my old Tatami Times issues that I put together featuring a lot of writing by myself and other AETs (Assistant English Teachers) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme. The newsletter was a prefectural/provincial monthly magazine for everyone who was a dues-paying member of JET.

I took over the business of running the Tatami Times from the gorgeous blonde Catherine Komlodi back in April of 1991 - at least that was when I published (IE photocopied and mailed out) the book. To thank Catherine - whose name was near-impossible for the Japanese to say clearly... they called her Ga-so-rin (Gasoline) - I wrote a too-long biography on her. I really did have a huge crush on her - but except for 20 years later, I've not mentioned it. I know Catherine was originally from Calgary in Canada, but now in 2010, wherever she is, I'm sure she is excelling at it.

Here we go - Andrew's writing from 20 years ago!:

Umma Gumma you know
Oh, waydago Catherine! Now you've gone and done it. You're walking away from the editorship of the Tatami Times - and for what? Fun and travel? Geez.
The worst part is I am now the editor (henceforth to be known as the Supreme Commander Of Our Lives - SCOOL).
I felt that my first job as the editor should be an introspective retrospective look into the life of Catherine (Cathy, cat, Miss. Kitty) Komlodi. This is a nice way for me to get back at her say thank-you for all her help.
Catherine was born at an early age. So early that she doesn't remember more than a handful of images. When asked what the highlight of her career as a baby was, she replied: "A-goo-goo-goo, A-ga-ga-ga that's all I want to say to you." Ahhh. Stimulating.
Apparently there was a mix-up at the hospital, with the stork supposed to be bringing a feline to the Komlodi family, not a female. Deciding to make the best of a trying situation, her parents chose an appropriate name: Cat-herine.
Her parents were extremely proud of their brown-haired beauty. They were ecstatic when she scratched her first couch and when she could use the 'box' by herself.
Catherine was clearly a gifted child. Deciding at an early age to become an astronomer, she marched through highschool and university with honours.
However, she soon have up her life's ambition when she discovered she would have to work nights.
She then applied to the JET Programme.
"I always liked flying," she remarked during her interview.
Undaunted, they hired her anyway.
Her first year as the Kanuma Chu Gakko (Kanuma Junior High School) AET was memorable. She caught her lovely flowing white dress in the spokes of her bicycle causing a heinous accident. (SCOOL note: bicycle accidents are apparently a must for all Canadians applying for the job as Tatami Times editor.)
"Also, that was the year my water pipes froze and burst," lamented Cat.
But it was all sugar and spice from then as she quickly rose through the Tochigi-ken AET ranks to become not only the Central Representative, but the Northern one, too.
Then, after Stefanie Housman was incarcerated for ink inhalation, Catherine was volunteered for the job as Tatami Times editor.
She accepted saying, "You don't have to work nights, do you?"
Taking an immense pride in her new-found responsibilities, she begged encouraged her fellow AETs and CIRs (Coordinator for International Relations) on JET to submit to her (my... how... dominating).
Realizing there were a few egos she could manipulate, the Tatami Times became a cherished item in our mailbox.
"Hey, I had fun," recalled Catherine. "Do you realize the power I felt knowing I could tell you puny gnats anything and you would believe it?" (SCOOL note: Hmm, it sounds like someone has been reading too many comic books).
She said she would miss being editor.
"I will miss being editor," explained Catherine in further detail.
When asked to expound, she realized she and the interviewer didn't know the meaning of the word.
"My one complaint, though is that they don't give you any money to do this job," wailed Catherine. (SCOOL note: Huh? No money?!!)
Well Catherine, I'm sure we'd all like to thank-you for your time and effort on our behalf. Good luck.

Somewhere thinking I should have made a play,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Pink Floyd. I chose this long titled "song" because it's the wackiest piece on the Ummagumma album... which is what I originally used as the title for Catherine's fake bio. PICT and Catherine was wacky - and hot.
PS: In the photo above, submitted by Marina Izatt (AET) with Catherine (on the right) and Marina's son Douglas Izatt on the left. It was originally entitled by me: Gorilla My Dreams for obvious reasons. The photo was long since returned to Marina - unfortunately, black and white is all you get.