I Feel Fine

So there I was... sleeping... in my nice tatami mat room on my Queen-sized bed, courtesy of one of my fans in Ohtawara, who offered the bed to my Ohatawara Board of Education (OBOE) office after it became known that I had some back pain that was being aggravated by sleeping on a futon.

Actually, it was probably more aggravated by my having sex on the futon... and the knee burns from the tatami! Oy gevalt!

Anyhow.. sleeping... it's Saturday, September 14, 1991 here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan.

Doorbell... okay... I'm going to ignore it.

It's not students from any of the junior high schools I teach at because they would have to ring it 100 times already.

Fifteen seconds later, the doorbell rings again. Ignore it. I'm dead.

Damn! A third ring!

I crawl out of bed and quietly make my way to the front door and peer through the peephole to see who the hell it is... Ashley?

Ashley is my ex-girlfriend here in Japan for the first nine months of my current-14 month stay. We are now friends-with-benefits, because while she enjoys the sex, she can't stand the idea of being tied down by having a full-time boyfriend. That's too bad, because I really, really like her and would love to be tied up, I mean tied down by her as my girlfriend... oh well... at least there's still sex. Tied up? Tied down? Which phase is funnier?

I let her in, grab a quick shower and then go out to talk to her.

She's apparently been up for hours. It's only 10AM! She doesn't state why she's been up for hours - Manic? Antsy? Horny? Dopey, Doc, Grumpy or Bashful? All I know is, this Cinderfella isn't getting his Sleeping Beauty rest.

I better stop. I'm getting Disney. I mean dizzy.

It's still raining. So we stay inside at my place.

We watch some videos from back home, make out a bit - it was weird... she was quite nice... with none of the bitchiness I hate and love at the same time. Hell, she was still very funny like she had been earlier this week - when I thought she was on her period... but now she admits she was clear last Wednesday... and was waiting for me to make my move like I was always forced to do.

Afterwards, she invites me back to her place to watch Black Rain and eat some more of her home-made soup. Guys... when a woman cooks food for you, she really loves you. That whole adage: "The way through a man's heart is through his stomach" - that's true. If you are eating take-out or ready-made meals all the time, or if you are like me and cooking for her, it's Loserville's one-way street. That was me this past year.

Now she is cooking food for me? It's soup. Does that count as a meal? Is that a meal if you are just a friend-with-benefits, or does she not know about that old saying?

I think too much, ne (eh)?

The gas in her apartment goes off suddenly, and no amount of kicking the stove will make it come back on, so I suggest she call her supervisor to call someone for help.

As she makes that call, I know my night is over early, and I ain't getting any. While Ashley has told anyone who will listen that she has never had a boyfriend, damn near everyone in Japan who has seen the two of us together (more often than often) would know that we were a couple. Hell, I told my bosses at the OBOE who asked if we were a couple, and they (I've heard from the OBOE) discussed the happy union with Ashley's bosses. When Ashley's bosses said "she keep's telling us she is single - why would she lie?" I told my bosses to inform them of the Japanese perception that a woman with a boyfriend must be sleeping around with him... and Ashley did not want to look like a slut.

I'm paraphrasing, of course. I don't believe I used the words "sleeping around".

As he makes his way over, I am making my way out.

I stay up until 2AM doing my jigsaw puzzle.

Crap. I have to get up early tomorrow to go dancing.

Somewhere not sleeping around,
Andrew Joseph
Today' blog title is by The Beatles because I like the IRONY.
PS: Of course, you know what FINE means, right? Read about the BREAKUP

Eat It

After the physically tiring and liver-sapping day of yesterday at the Sakuyama Obon Matsuri (Sakuyama festival of the dead), I figured I owed myself a relaxing day off.

It's Wednesday, August 28, 1991 and I'm here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. My mom, Lynda, has flown in from Toronto to visit me, as I am currently in my 13th month of living, loving, screwing, drinking and simply enjoying myself here in Japan. I arrived here an incompetent virgin and along with hitting double digits and simultaneous double female partners, I have learned how to cook, clean, shop, do laundry and iron. I even was taught by a Home Economics teacher at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (one of the seven junior high schools I teach at) how to sew. I'm only so-so at that, however. Sorry for that crappy joke. I usually do better.

So... even though I am on vacation still, I get up early and drag my mom  into work at the Ohtawara Board of Education (which I have dubbed the OBOE... I have no idea why I only did that back in 2009, and not back in 1990-1993!).

I take the Superintendent a large bottle of Canadian whiskey as a present - to thank him for allowing me the honour of working for him these past 13 months, and for another 11 future months, as well as to thank him for looking after my general well-being. To be honest, he had nothing to do with that, though he may have appointed the two men —Kanemaru-san and Hanazaki-san—that job... but, that's Japan. The boss gets the glory and the booze. Not to worry... I'll take in something for those guys later - when I don't have to embarrass the rest of the office when I don't provide presents for everyone.

I really wish I could... but I'm not a rich man—only in the things that count, and I'm pretty pissed off about that—I can only afford a few presents for those that really looked after me... though, to a person, each one in that office played a major role in my survival this past year.
  
As expected (okay, I didn't really expect it), but the whole OBOE goes ga-ga over my mom!

As a special treat (and thanks for the booze), my mom, Hanazaki-san (who speaks much more English than Kanemaru-san) and I are chauffeured around in the Superintendent's air-conditioned limousine. The Superintendent joins us, as we first visit his family home that actually belongs to his older brother now.

Located in Yuzukami-mura (Yuzukami Village), the place is over 200-years-old, is larger than any home I have ever been in here except a castle, is made of solid spruce wood and looks like it was built last week.

His sister-in-law serves us kuri (cucumber) and nasu (egg plant) salted overnight in a brine. It's fantastic, and I can't believe how much I eat considering neither vegetable is amongst my favourites. It's just that tasty!

We next head over to the Tengu Jinja  (Tengu Shrine)... I have no idea where I am... but Tengu is a large-nosed spirit  who can be better described by seeing rather than me writing about it... click on Tengu above for a lookie-loo. Unfortunately the shrine is closed up for repairs, but we can still see through a window.

We then drive out to the small town of Bato! Great! This is the third place I've never been to today - and guess who doesn't have his camera? Yup. Me.

At Bato, to thank him for his even greater generosity, I buy the Superintendent a lovely piece of Bato pottery - a vase. He was going to buy it himself, but I snatched it from his hands and paid for it myself. He seemed completely shocked, but I think he loved the fact that anyone would dare do something so strange and generous.

I don't know if that's what he was thinking, but the strange grin on his face showed ME that I was probably the first person in this country to ever do something like that to and for a boss. I think he originally thought I was going to buy it for myself and wanted it badly enough to rip it from his hands! Fooled you!

In retaliation, he buys my mother a pair of "His & Hers" coffee cups and saucers. I still have those cups - no photo though, as my wife took the camera with her to the cottage just this morning... me? I have to work!) My mom buys herself a large plate to put into her collection back in Toronto.

Next we head over to Ungonji Komekami (Unganji Temple) in Kurobane-machi (Kurobane Town - where Kanemaru-san happens to live). I have been here before, but nestled up against the Nasu mountain range's Higashi Yama (Eastern Mountain), I finally have perfect picture taking weather. mom as is her fashion in Japan, runs out of film... again.

At around 1PM, we stop off at Naka Gawa (Middle River) for an ayu (Japanese sweetfish) and to see the yana (bamboo ramp used to catch the fish).

They drop us off at home at 2PM, but I head out to go shopping while my mom relaxes a bit. My mom is making a tuna casserole.

She had me invite Matthew and Ashley over for dinner, curious to see why I was hung up on this girl. However, since I have kyudo (Japanese archery) tonight, the dinner is at 5PM.

Today I do go to kyudo with Kanemaru-san (my sensei/tecaher). Ashley who does archery with me decides not to go because she is sleepy. If there is one thing that really bothers me about Ashley, it's her inability to stay awake.

She was quiet during dinner, and acted like she didn't want to be there... but she and Matthew are my two best friends here in Japan, and I really wanted them to meet my mom. Screw Ashley - my ex-girlfriend and perhaps still friend-with-benefits... at least Matthew was the life of the party. I couldn't even look at her during dinner.

At kyudo, I hit one target out of four - alright! It's my first successful hit from the proper distance, and my form is perfect! because of that, they make me sign up for a kyudo tournament on September 8. Aaaaarrrggghhh! I have no idea how to say no, I'm a stinking coward in Japanese!

On the plus side, with my hair in a pony-tail, I feel like Robin Hood... if he had a ponytail and was a real person.

However... during archery, my stomach begins to churn and hurt. Everyone thinks its that Thailand dysentery problem I just got over. Me? I think it's either my mom's cooking or nerves hitting about the tournament.

As such, I need to leave early. Kanemaru-san who drove me there says it's okay to leave, and then sits around talking for a while. All I know is that the gurgling in my stomach is a forerunner to my gut exploding all over a toilet... and I've not seen one at the kyudo club!  Someone's going to be sorry!

When he finally does deign to take me home, I rush up to my apartment and barely make it up to my third-floor apartment. Kanemaru-san follows close behind and waits to see if I am alright.

My mom gives him some take-home tuna casserole. I told you someone was going to be sorry.

Matthew was still there when I got home, though Ashley was long gone. My mom was showing him some of my baby pictures.

I survive.

Somewhere wondering why my mom has my baby pictures with her on a trip to Japan,  
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Weird Al Yankovic. BURP
PS: No offense to Ashley in 2011, but my mom did not like her that much. It's probably because she wasn't as effervescent as Karen - the woman who wants to be my girlfriend, and who started sewing stuff for my apartment with my mom. I think Ashley had her baggage, but it still wasn't as heavy as Karen's. I think Ashley was just more shy, and I really did nothing to nurture her breaking out of that - expect to hope that my new-found brashness would rub off on her. I always figured that since I am the life of the party nowadays, that if she hung out with me she would be part of that party life, too. She may not have cared for that. I thought I did, because I had never been popular before thanks to a killer shyness. Regardless, Ashley preferred her own friends, most all of whom I found bitchy and bossy. She could be with her stand-offish crowd, and I could stand with my non-stand-offish crowd. At this time, I am unsure if I need to be with her or not. Same with Karen. Maybe I need someone new. Maybe I need to just freaking relax. I can't do anything with my mom around anyway... and besides... I haven't heard from Karen in a while... I wonder if she is expecting me to call her.  I don't. 
PPS: Okay... I just listened to the words to this parody song Eat It (イート・イット... this reads: ee-to it-to) (it's a parody of Beat It by Michael Jackson)... it mentions starving children in Japan!; and it mentions tuna casserole! Trust me! I had no idea those words were in this song, as I haven't listened to it in maybe 25 years! I love it when a plan comes together!

Hungry Eyes

Today, Monday, August 5, 1991, John, Matthew and myself travel down south to the capital of Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Utsunomya-shi (Utsunomiya City).

Like myself, Matthew is an assistant English teacher (AET) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme living in Ohtawara. Matthew is originally from Binghamton, NY, while I am from Toronto. We are just beginning our second year on the Programme.

John is a friend of mine visiting for a few weeks from Toronto. I'm unsure if he's having a good time or not, but he is seeing some of the sights.

Arriving at noon, it is obvious that John is unimpressed by the big city. To be fair, it's not that spectacular, especially for someone from a large cosmopolitan city like Toronto. But for Matthew & myself, after living in the tiny city of 50,000 people in Ohtawara, it's always a breath of fresh air.

Matthew & I head off to our AET meetings and get to greet the vice-governor—I guess we're not important enough to meet the governor. After, we just pretty much just vegetate while the seminars drone on and on and on.
After the official reception hosted by the vice-governor, some of the new guys who have just arrived in Tochigi-ken on JET, as us about some of the women here on the Programme.

These guys have incorrectly assumed I know all about women. Still, I can tell them that for all of the gorgeous looks of Sienna, on of the second-years JETs, I find her to be phony, and that she's not worth your time and effort.

And this is coming from a guy who does think she is beautiful, but man... unless Ashley was telling her everything wrong about me, she doesn't know me at all. And, to be honest, I don't know her either except that in every dealing I've had with her, it's been a pain in the butt. She wants this or that and failure to get her way causes a snit.

I'm outspoken - yes. But I always let the majority rule. I'm not a leader here in JET, but I am looked up to by people because, even though I don't speak much Japanese or know how to find my way any where, I am very well liked and respected by the locals. It must be my sunny disposition... or maybe it's their sunny disposition that puts a smile on my face.

At the reception, Karen, a newcomer—a very white, freckly redhead, cute with big boobs—has glommed onto me. People are expecting her to be my next conquest, and I admit, I am expecting that too. But... I just got out of an emotionally draining relationship with Ashley (who remains a friend with benefits) and out of a relationship with a female stalker (Junko). Only a man would sleep with his female stalker.

Anyhow... her supervisor is there at the function. She has apparently told him that she and I were once married, and are now divorced. It's to explain why she is so friendly towards me, so she doesn't look like a slut. I understand that rationale, as women are looked upon differently from their male counterparts here. I could sleep with 100 women and all of the men would be jealous but wouldn't care... but if a woman sleeps with a guy... she's a slut.

To be honest, that's what the women think... and to a certain degree they are correct... but the Japanese people I know don't have that attitude.

For example... Ashley. She was my girlfriend and we were together, if you know what I mean. Everyone in the whole city knew that. When we were apart, every woman in the city knew I was available and came calling on me. Ashley, however, would tell her bosses that she was single and just friends with me.

According to my bosses (Hanazaki-san and Kanemaru-san), her bosses would often come over and chat with them. Obviously our relationship would come up, and all would chortle with glee when they would repeat how Ashley kept trying to convince them that she and I were just friends.They knew she was lying to protect herself. My bosses knew she was my girlfriend. She was always with me—not Matthew. We go out drinking or for dinner. They see her enter my place and leave at all hours of the day and night. We were together. The whole town knew it! I think even Ashley knew it, but she at least tried to maintain a little face.

I'm not 100 per cent sure... but there are differing rules for men and women... but also for Japanese women and gaijin (foreigner) women. It's not rules, per se... just expectations. Even though everyone knew I was with Ashley, and she with me... no one ever said one single rude word to either of us about any inpropriety. Number One, I wouldn't have stood for that; and Number Two... no one was ever going to say anything negative to me.

That's not just ego. It's the type of relationship I had with my bosses, friends and the whole damn country of Japan. I was Ferris Bueller, and I could do no wrong.

Ashley was quiet, and did not show off her relationship with me (for all of the above-mentioned reasons). Karen, however, aside from being all over me and saying I was married previously to her... uh, no. That's not going to fly. I had Japanese folk come up and ask me quietly if that was true. They asked in English... I'm not going to lie. I tell them the truth.

They want to know why Karen would say something like that. I smile, say in my broken Japanese: "Taban chotto yopparai... toh baka! (Maybe a little drunk... and stupid!)". I get the appropriate laugh and a nod of understanding. One or two of the Japanese supervisors there then ask me if Ashley-sensei and I are over?

How to explain the concept of friend-with-benefits? I just say yes, because that's true.


Back to Karen and her being yopparai or bakka:

Karen is feeding me food with her own chopsticks. While already deft with the chopsticks after a few days here (I assume she knew from before), she is making a serious breach in protocol. It's just not cool to feed anyone (especially your ex-husband) food from your chopsticks. I'd tell Karen, but I enjoy being fed... and besides, she's completely drunk already on a couple of beers. A cheap date.
Actually... no one knows how much one drinks here in Japan as every time you take a sip or two, someone comes around to re-fill the glass. Karen and her effervescent personalty (big boobs) makes the Japanese men continue to top her up, hoping she'll be drunk enough to be unable to fend off a quick feel-up.

Apparently, I'm not drunk, but it doesn't stop me from being felt up by Karen..and someone else did too... but she ran off before I could see.

Later, Matthew and I lead a whole bunch of us to a beer garden (bar on a roof that has a couple of potted plants on it). Now, I'm toasted... as is everyone else who is trying. I drink even more than I need to, provide another foot massage to the ever giggling Karen who must like the attention, and try to answer as many questions as possible about Japan (for the women) and women (for the men). 
  
Despite the antics of Karen (and myself), they seem to believe me.

This is when a young man from England, Alan, comes to me for some advice on how to be polite in Japanese culture. I tell him about the word what (nani) and how to make it more polite (o-nani). You can read what I did to that poor guy HERE.

After more drinks and a bean skin fight, we all head off to yet another bar, having a great time—these newcomers are all pretty relaxed, friendly and cool. I like each and every single one of them. Seriously... I couldn't spot an ego in the bunch!

At midnight, I head back to my hotel--leaving a whole bunch of them there. Where the hell did we leave John? Oh yeah... he hung out with his friend Barbara.

At the hotel, I wake up from a drunken stupor realizing that it's now too late to call Rory to ask him for a place to crash tomorrow night in Tokyo. Rory is the ex-boyfriend of Kristine—another woman on the JET Programme... but one whom I desperately find attractive and, if we weren't separated by some 500 kilometers, I would be seeing on a regular basis. Well... that's how I feel. She just might want a friend with benefits.  

Whatever... at least I have a very good friend... and if I can meet up with Rory.... maybe I can find out more about Kristine...

Oh yeah... Karen follows me back to the hotel, kisses me long and hard and rubs her self against me (or was that me against her)... I roll her up to her hotel room... use her pass key to open the door... and push her inside. She wants me to join her... but I don't want to take advantage of her when she's drunk.

Who is this guy?

Somewhere I have a chopstick splinter in my lip,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by: Eric Carmen... the song was featured in the movie DIRTY DANCING. It was a good movie I hear, and I really should watch it for the first time one of these days.