Bye Bye Mon Cowboy

On Day 3 of our trip here in Sendai-shi (Sendai City) in Miyagi-ken (Miyagi Prefecture), it's raining so hard I think I should start gathering animals and building an ark!



It's Saturday, October 12, 1991 and I'm an assistant English teacher (AET) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme living in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan.



This trip to Sendai with  my ex-girlfriend has been a washout, to say the least. It's rained everyday here and while I am sure the people and the sights are all beautiful, I haven't had a chance to really talk to any of the locals as they are all huddled up away from the rain.



It sucks. Oh well... at least I got to see Zuihoden, the tomb of Date Masamune (surname first), who was the founder or Sendai in the 1600s. It's located on Kyogamine hill, which is where all Date family members are honored in death.If you click HERE, you can see what Zuihoden looks like without a torrential rain spoiling my photography.



As such, Ashley and I decide to go home. When I call Matthew (my buddy who lives in Ohtawara near me) about how much rain there is here and that I'm coming home, he tells me that it is NOT raining there in Ohtawara.



Of course. I am the ame otoko (rain man), and it rains wherever I travel in Japan. It's getting so bad, my office the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) is thinking of loaning me out to some of the drought-starved areas to give them a break.



So... Ashley and I ride the Shinkansen (bullet train) south back to Nasushiobara-eki (eki = train station), transfer to a local Japan Rail (JR) train and arrive at Nishinasuno-eki at around 12 Noon. We ride back to her place in Nishinasuno-machi (machi = town) and leave her there so that she can sleep until 4PM.



I ride back to Ohtawara and putter around for awhile until Ashley calls, and she rides down to my city and we go to dinner at Co-Co's. It's the first time in days that I haven't felt rain or snow on me but there is a hurricane-like wind blowing.



Ashley doesn't want me to even ask about the lumps she has developed on her head. They are soft, painful to the touch and first appeared on our first night in Sendai. So I don't bring it up, but I am concerned for her... and she must be worried too, but is trying to ignore it to be in a good mood.



Dinner is fine (I pay, for some reason), and we go back to the train station and go south again... this time to Mibu-eki and Mibu-machi as there is a party hosted by fellow AET Cathy - whom I slept with a few weeks ago. She, Ashley and Karen (who wants me for a boyfriend) all hung out together a few weeks ago, and I'm sure my activities with each came out in the conversation - probably that's what prompted Ashely suddenly asking me to join her on the trip to Sendai.



Don't think I'm a complete ass. Ashley and I are not couple, but do sleep together whenever the mood hits us... or rather, when the mood hits her. Personally, I want her back as a girlfriend. The fact the we aren't a couple pisses me off. I just don't like to lose. As well... Ii guess I'm still in love with her, despite all of the sex or women wanting to go out with me... and apparently, there are a few.



I, of course, have no idea why anyone wants to go out with me. I couldn't get a date back in Toronto, Canada prior to arriving in Japan in late July of 1990. No sex, either. Virginal... though certainly not any longer... unless I can become a born-again virgin. It's probably easier for a guy and doesn't require any sort of surgery.



I'm not really looking forward to this party at Cathy's... what with walking into the lion's den et al. I'm still unsure if Ashley knows I slept with her, and if she found out, it would either definitely ensure we weren't getting back together, or it could make her jealous to realize other women find me somewhat attractive or somewhat convenient.



Just to make sure, I pour 11 Kirin beers down my throat and have three shots of Ashley's Southern Comfort (she's from Augusta, Georgia, USA). The party is a dull, but okay, and I'm feeling no pain.



What I am feeling, however, is Cathy continually playing footsie with me under whatever table we're near, or if we're standing, she simply starts rubbing her foot, leg, hands on me. Maybe she's just doing this to frazzle me (success) or maybe she still wants sex with me. Believe it or not, I'm not interested. I can't believe that a guy who was a virgin a scant 15 months ago is now turning down the offer of sex, but I'm not reciprocating with Cathy. Just leave me alone to wallow in my drunken stupor and dream of a day when women are normal!



And then there's the terrible tale of Alan Broomhead - a delightful young fellow who is three-months removed from England (also where Cathy is from - she too is a new arrival, while Matthew (who is not at the party, Ashley and I arrived the year previous).



I like Alan a lot. But I still played a trick on him a few weeks ago, teaching him Japanese (the blind leading the blind, eh?) that he should use. You can read about that occurrence HERE. It's a funny story, and yeah... I'm an ass. Sorry Alan. I'm still sorry... but it is a funny one, right? right? Anybody?



It's 2AM when the effects of alcohol, footsie and jokes kick in and I crash asleep. As usual, I'm the last one to hit the hay, and I still manage to find Ashley and spoon up beside her.



To this day, I have no idea how that poor girl managed to put up with my snoring. It must have been horrendous after drinking like a fish in a tsunami. (And yes... I actually wrote that in my diary, so it's not poor taste, just precognitive bad timing 20 years earlier).



Somewhere wishing I was drinking with Matthew in Ohtawara,

Andrew Joseph

Today's blog is by French-Canadian kitten Mitsou: MEOW  I used to only try and date women who looked like her - which is probably why I didn't date much back in Canada.

PS: Sendai-shi, of course, was one of those areas in Japan that was hard hot by a tsunami on March 11, 2011.

Big In Japan

Today is Tuesday, October 8, 1991.



I'm an assistant English teacher (AET) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme living in the sleepy city of Ohtawara (about 200 kilometres north of Tokyo) in the prefecture of Tochigi, Japan.



It's my last day of work at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School), as I have permission to attend a team-teaching demonstration put on by my friend Matthew tomorrow, and then on Thursday, I'm on a short vacation to Sendai with my ex-girlfriend, but current friend-with-benefits, Ashley.



I have no idea why we are going away on a vacation together. It was her idea. As mentioned, while I can have a dominant personality and can get lots of people to do what I want, I prefer that they decide what they want to do, and if I agree, then I can get everyone else to do it. Control without being the known leader, I suppose. God I hate being introspective, sometimes.



Or, in this case... Ashley asked, I, like a good little puppy dog who is still in love or lust or severe like with her, readily agrees. I assume there will be sex. After all... we're friends - with benefits... and the only important benefit I know of from being anywhere with one's ex-girlfriend, is sex.



Going on a vacation together with someone who is your ex... well, isn't that what couples do... or just friends... not friends-with-benefits!



If I still had any blood left in my brain, I would have not gone with Ashley tomorrow... but I'm thinking about sex, and I'm thinking that her asking me to accompany her means she wants to get back together. Right? Am I right? I'm not sure...



It's still raining today.   Like yesterday, I help the kids with some English listening comprehension tests to help them prepare for a big exam. It's still fun, and it's still very much interesting to me.



However, lunch is quiet as the class I eat with lacks the guts or gumption to talk to me... although one young boy (this is a 3rd year class - Grade 9's), Suzuki-san is always peppering me with interesting questions. He's always a pleasure to talk to at this school...



Kanemaru-san and Hanazaki-san drop by the school while Suzuki-san and I are talking (that's lucky... show's I can talk to the kids!). Those two old guys (who are about as old as I am now in 2011 - 46), are my bosses/supervisors with the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education). Two nicer men I have yet to meet on this planet.



They bring along (from the teacher's lounge), Shibata-sensei, the young, hip, good-looking English teacher  who has all the female students swooning after him. Along with being brilliant and charming and funny, Shibata-sensei is also one heck of a good English speaker and very quick translator.



I'm telling... I got very lucky to be posted - or chosen - in this city. Actually... I think the Board offices get a say on who they want. I think Hanazaki-san once told me that they liked the fact I was a journalist with the Toronto Star newspaper... one of North America's best newspapers. I'll admit it was a selling point.



The three of them tell me that I have to pay a personal and city tax. Nertz.



On the plus side, the OBOE says they will cover that for me. They will put the money directly into my bank account (The Ashikaga Ginko (Ashikaga Bank), Ohtawara Branch) for me. That money will then be withdrawn by them to pay the two tax bills.



That is so cool of the OBOE. I also like how they came in person to tell me, rather than just calling up Shibata-sensei to tell me.



I go home, write a letter and relax. It's still bloody raining. I hope it won't tomorrow when a score of other AETs will be coming here to Ohtawara to watch Matthew do his team-teaching demonstration. Cripes... I hope my OBOE doesn't see too much of a disparity between what he does and what I does... otherwise they might actually make me do real work!



I watch some television and crash to bed at 12AM.



Oh... Karen Irwin called. She's a new AET (high school AET like Ashley - so she won't be there at Matthews demo) living in Yaita-shi (City of Yaita), 10 kiometers to the south. She's originally from North Bay, Ont... and arrived here two months ago. In that time she has made it clear that she would like us to slow down (IE no sex!), became buddy-buddy with my visiting mother going on little trips together, and even went on a 3-day trip to Nikko-shi (Nikko City) with Ashley.



I don't know what they talked about... the ex, and the girl who would eventually be my ex, if I let her (all women everywhere could eventually be my ex-girlfriend if they try hard enough).... but this evening... it is apparent that they talked.



Karen seemed to know a little too much about me. My mother - while she did like Karen very much - was no dummy, and I know she would never tell anyone anything about me. Ashley... she might, seeing as who we weren't together anymore... I expect that Karen would want to know the ugly stuff. Me being moody and crap like that. Truth is... I was only moody after Ashley caused me to be moody. But Ashley doesn't know that... and neither does Karen.



Karen attempts to psychoanalyse me. Really? This chick is going to try and get inside MY head? I'm already onto her clumsy attempts about 15 seconds into our telephone conversation! For me... this is like a battle of wits against an unarmed opponent.



Because I know what she's doing - and why (she wants to know what makes me tick, and why Ashley and I broke up - perhaps so she can avoid the same mistakes), she pisses me off.



You know what led to Ashley and I breaking up? It was her pissing me off. Congratulations Karen. You've managed to piss me off even before we've become boyfriend/girlfriend. I guess there'll be no sex, now. Crap.



Regardless of the tempest raging inside my skull... I play it cagey and play it cool. She has no idea just how angry I am.



It's the real reason why I go to bed early today. I lie there and wonder...



Okay... Ashley came back from her trip to Nikko with Karen in a bitchy mood. Karen is acting inquisitive towards me. That means that Ashley knows Karen and I made out. It also means she knows Karen wants to go out with me... and if I know Karen, she probably asked Ashley if that was okay.



That probably put Ashley in a bad mood. It could also explain why Ashley suddenly asked me if I wanted to accompany her to Sendai... it's a little jealous revenge thing against Karen... who I don't think knows that Ashley and I are still sleeping together on occasion.



Great... all I need now are more women to start talking with each other about. That could never happen, right? Am I right? Even I don't want to think about the real answer.



Somewhere thinking about tomorrow and tomorrow,

Andrew Joseph

Today's blog title is by Alphaville: BIG  Lyrics are right below the video.

Any Way The Wind Blows

Welcome back to Wednesday, October 2, 1991. I'm Andrew Joseph, an assistant English teacher (AET) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan, and I have to give a speech in two days to someone. I'm unsure if it's for the Ohtawara International Friendship Association or if its to all of the teachers and folks at the Ohtawara Board of Education Office (OBOE). It doesn't matter who it is for.



That's one of the drawbacks of not being able to speak Japanese... and one of the drawbacks of the JET Programme when people kind of sort of tell you you have to do things without really explaining the who, what, where, whens or whys of things. Maybe they did, but it sure wasn't in understandable English.



That's not their fault, nor is it a complaint. It's just the way things are here. It's really quite amusing, because although I am out-going, brash and funny, I wasn't always this way. I was shy, introverted and funny... I only reinvented myself before I left Toronto for Japan 14 months ago.



And now... I have to give a speech in a different country in front of many non-native English speakers, and you know what? It doesn't faze me in the least.



Since arriving here, I stand up and team-teach with a Japanese teacher of English every day. I also teach a night school English class for beginners, I've given a team-teaching lesson to other AETs, and spoken in front of other Prefectural (State/Province) people, all while maintaining my sense of humour, if not dignity.



Here as a JET, you adapt and flourish, or you don't and wither away. I don't wither... except when it comes to women. Then I'm putty in their hands. That's probably due to the fact that I had only started dating when I was 22 (I'm 27 now), and had not slept with a woman until about a month after arriving here.



In the 'having sex' department, I am flourishing.



At Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School) - one of the seven junior highs I teach at weekly, I write my speech during the 2nd period. Shibata-sensei, a young, hip, good-looking English teacher who has a ton of female students in love with him, translates the speech during the 4th period. He's that good. Or my speech is that bad.



One of the teachers (not an English teacher) comes in at lunch and tries to valiantly translate an instruction manual for Sim City, a video game I purchased for my Nintendo Super Famicon video game system. The whole thing is in Japanese... the instructions, as well as the writing within the game. I'm afraid this will be one game I never play here. Oh well... screw the simulated city! I have a whole country yet to explore here in Japan!



Out of the woodwork, I meet a 15-year-old  girl who wrote a speech on pollution in Japan. She tells me this in perfect English, as she had spent the last four years of her life in England, and... here's the best part... she speaks English with a Cockney accent! I love it!



I was born in London, but after moving to Toronto when I was three-years-old, I only have what is known as a neutral accent. It's clean and clear, and English speakers from around the world will understand me... unlike say me understanding everything a New Zealander or a Scottish person says. I do... but I really have to listen carefully.



Since there's no teacher's meeting today, I can't slip out of work early... but I do anyways. Look... the way I figure it, no one will ever say anything about it to me - as long as I don't make a habit out of it, of course. Besides... people will just figure I'm off goofing around with the students... no one really keeps track of me or what exactly I am doing... and to be honest... this is the first time I have skipped off on my own initiative... and it'll probably be the last.



I head out to my chiropractor and get my spine adjusted. It feels good, but I feel very tired, rather than energized.



It's probably because Ashley, my ex-girlfriend and current friend-with-benefits, is back after spending a few days in Nikko-shi (City of Nikko) with Karen, the newly arrived JET woman who wants to be my girlfriend rather than plain old sex partner. Karen and I made out a lot when she first arrived which in her mind meant I liked her a lot... which is why she hung out with my mom when she came for a visit. That's just wrong, and is probably what has really turned me off her. I'll still sleep with her, though. I'm not that picky. yesI am. No I'm not.



I'm easy to get along with. I just want sex. Except from Ashley, from whom I want more... as I dislike losing (that's the new me... the old me would just have accepted it and worried that he would never ever find another woman to like him again).



Wednesday is usually kyudo (Japanese archery) night, but since my boss Kanemaru-san (he's also our teacher) has the flu, it's cancelled for myself and Ashley. I try  to call Ashley to head her off at the pass, but to no avail. She's not back from Nikko yet, or perhaps she's at Ohtawara Boy's High School where she is an AET.



So.. to kill time, money and brain cells, I buy another video game and go home to play it.



Three minutes later, here comes the buzz kill. Ashley shows up. She's very cranky and doesn't say much to me, and to be honest... I'm afraid to say anything to her. I figure Karen must have asked her about me. And, whether Ashley admits it or not... whens another woman is interested in your ex, it gets your hackles up.



At least that's what I hoped has happened. For all I know, Ashley gave her her blessing. Or maybe they discussed having a threesome with me.



Probably not. Ashley is pissed at me, or at the world. Whatever. She always seemed to be in a snit 47 per cent of the time, which would put me in a snit.



She can be in a snit all by herself, though. While I could care less about what she and Karen talked about (okay, I do care), but the main thing is that while I have to give a speech on Friday about a foreigner's views on Japan, I actually have a date with a beautiful young lady named Shoko from my night school English class tomorrow!



Ashley goes home in a snit after I make us dinner and an episode of McGyver. I swear... I think that aside from the awesomeness of my sexual ability, she uses me for free food. Trust me... I notice these types of disparities. And I keep track of them.



Hey... I'm not perfect. But then again... we're just friends. If she was my girlfriend like for the first 10 months, I have no problem in blowing all my hard-earned (yeah, right!) cash on her.



regular readers will recall that she broke up with me because I was always around her - crowding her - paying attention to her - lavishing her with as much affection as I can muster (except when she pissed me off... which was often).



Regular readers will also recall that I rarely went to her place (not invited), as she preferred my more westernized apartment with the sofa, chairs, dining room tables, carpet and Queen-sized bed, western toilet, washer AND dryer, shower... of yes... a real shower. She had a square box you squatted in and washed yourself with whatever water it was you were sitting in. Sorry Japan, but blech!



When she leaves - she no interest in my video game - I stay... and stay up late trying to figure out how to survive in my simulated world.



It's been a busy but relatively uneventful day. the important thing is that I still have my testicles intact.



Somewhere life is a video game,

Andrew Joseph

Today's blog is by The Mothers Of Invention (featuring Frank Zappa): YOUBLOW

PS: Today just highlights either how wishy-washy I am, or how I just take everything in stride. Stuff happens. You just have to deal with it. And you'll notice no alcohol was harmed in the making of this blog.

When The Levee Breaks

I'm going to combine a couple of days here because not a lot happens



Sunday, September 29, 1991. Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan.



I'm an assistant English teacher on the Japan Exchange & Teaching (JET) Programme, and arrived here back in late July 1990.



... I'm kind of waiting to see what fallout there is from Ashley (my ex-girlfriend but current occasional sleeping partner) and Karen (who wants me for a boyfriend) going to Nikko-shi (City of Nikko) together for a few days.



At this time, I am unaware if either really knows anything about my involvement with the other. Ashley and I had hooked up on our second day here. Karen arrived a year later and hung out with my mother a month ago when she came for a visit. Worlds colliding!



Here's what is going on:

Ashley is from Augusta, Georgia, USA, brunette:

1. Ashley and I broke up about four months ago; 


2. We decided two months ago that we trusted each other enough that we could still sleep together;


3. She doesn't want a boyfriend... or not one who was crowding her;


4. She always came to my place, so I am unsure what crowding I was providing.

Karen is from North Bay, Ontario, Canada, redhead:

1. Karen and I met after I was part of Tochigi JET committee to welcome newcomers; 


2. Hot and heavy to start, she begged us to slow down so that we could first become boyfriend/girlfriend;


3. She hung out with my mom sewing pillow covers for my couch; 


4. She traveled with my mom ingratiating herself.

Shoko is from Ohtawara, Tochigi, Japan, raven-haired:

1. Shoko and I first met at a party hosted by the Ohtawara International Friendship Association;


2. May have joined my night school English class due to urging from mutual friend Naoko, whom my mom wished I was dating... or Karen... but not Ashley. She never met Shoko. I don't think my mom cares for shy girls for me; 


3. Tall, slender, shy and cute, she doesn't speak much English, but she likes Andrew. A lot;


4. She and Andrew have tried to make a date happen, but Andrew must have angered the gods, as the date has not yet happened.  

Andrew is from Toronto, Ontario, Canada, dunderhead: 

1. Was a virgin, but not virginal before arriving in Japan; He owes Ashley one cherry;  


2. Despite what Ashley wants, he can't stand losing, and wants her back as a girlfriend;  


3. Despite what Karen wants, she has some baggage, and he doesn't want a girlfriend;


4. Thinks he knows what Shoko wants, and thinks he wants a girlfriend.

You know what? If I had just stopped and made a list like this back in 1991, I would have realized just how stupid I was making my wonderful rife! Hell... should we add in Cathy, who just wanted to sleep with me (or maybe wanted a boyfriend)? What about Kristine, whom I adore, she likes me, would have slept with me, but I thought she might have been to good for me? Then there was Christine... she just wanted sex, but I just wanted to get back with Ashley (after we first broke up in November 1990). And what about the two Thai women - gorgeous Tookta and ravishing Boon-mee... I slept with them separately, and together! There was proof that I am good enough for anyone! What about Junko... my hot-to-trot stalker who had the looks and talent to put a Miss Universe to shame, provided the talent was sexual? There are still others, but most were just one-nighters!

Can't we all just get along? Like the two Thai chicks and myself? That's international fraternization!

So... I didn't even mention that I am teaching junior high school English at seven school here in Ohtawara. I also teach an English class to the Ohtawara International Friendship Association for a few bucks once a week. I play kyudo (Japanese archery). I am the editor and chief bottle-washer for the Tochigi JET newsletter The Tatami Times. I am the ear and conscience for many an AET who has troubles, concerns, or just wants to share a laugh. I don't smoke. Started drinking - but never at home. I never sleep, it seems, and when I do, it's not well. I've been hit twice by cars while riding my bicycle. I owned a motorcycle, but it scared the crap out of me so I sold it after only riding it once. I'm growing my hair and have it in a pony-tail. I'm charming, smart and very witty and have a huge ego thanks to all of this. Yet, I don't think I show off my ego, as I tend to be self-deprecating. It keeps me grounded. I love Japan. Japan loves me. I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand directions all at once. Friends like James and especially Matthew help keep me pointed in the right direction.

Whenever I am in a state of flux, I clean my apartment. Today is no exception. I do laundry, vacuum, iron, go shopping for food at Iseya and then visit a small hobby store and purchase a video game for my Sega Game Gear hand-held system - it's a tank battle game.

I get it home, and everything is in Japanese. The instructions are in Japanese, but so too is the game play! What the hell does it say? 

Oh yeah... I speak Japanese like a six-year-old, and can not read or write the language... at least not at a level worth mentioning. Rather than spending my time studying the language, I am reading history books and talking to the Japanese to get as much data as possible on what Japanese life is all about.  Remember... this is 1991... before the Internet became full of information and porn.

I wonder what the hell Ashley and Karen are talking about?    

Now, it's Monday, September 30, 1991. I'm at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School, also known as Dai Chu /Big Middle). I love this school. yes, it's the largest of my seven schools, but I never feel lost here. I almost feel like a teacher here and less like a gaijin (foreigner) than anywhere else.

I have three classes today, and all of them are second-years... Grade 8 (13-year-olds). It's the same format as with most schools... good but a tad boring. I read the New Horizons textbook at normal foreigner speed, so that the students can hear what a normal conversation might sound like. Then I read it slowly so that the students can hear how the English words should be pronounced. Then the students read it together with me. Then students read it individually with me or with me providing positive feedback. There is always positive feedback. You never want to make anyone suddenly hate English because the teacher or AET was a dick.

Lunch is natto. Natto is rotting fermented soy beans. We mix in some soy sauce and some hot mustard with the natto and then pour the gloopy, smelly mess onto a bed of hot rice and eat away with chopsticks.

From what I've been told... the eastern and northern parts of Japan will eat natto, but the western part - no way in hell. 

Most gaijin won't eat it, but... for myself... I now look at stuff like that and say, yeah... I have to eat it. The Japanese often expect gaijin to not eat or like certain foods or drinks, because they are not Japanese... but dammit! I came to this country to blow away stereotypes! Gaijin don't eat natto? Screw that! I'll eat it and tell you it's delicious!

To prove a point, or perhaps because the natto destroyed my tastebuds and sense of smell, I take home three packets of natto (my natto was packaged in a small 3" x 3" styrofoam package about one-inch deep. The natto had a thin, but thick clear plastic film atop it, and came with a small plastic package of soy sauce and one of hot mustard that sat in the package atop the film.

The school even packs a couple of tupperware containers of rice for me. So... at home... I have two packages of natto for dinner. And one for breakfast.

Since I have night school tonight, I make sure I gargle the hell out of my mouth to wash the bad breath away. And... it's a very good thing I do. I now have 19 women in my class (and five men). The women are getting younger and hotter.

Shoko is there, and man does she look yummy. So I ask her out! I also give her a birthday present (forgive me, but I did not note what it was that I gave her!). She says yes... but I'll call her and set it up!

Matthew comes over and we watch an episode of Magnum PI. When he leaves, I call home and thank my dad for the Spanish phrase book that I can use to converse with a Peruvian student at Wakakusa Chu Gakko (Wakakusa Junior High School) the next time I visit. 

Somewhere expecting the other shoe to drop,

Andrew Joseph

Today's blog title is sung by Zeparella: WAITFORIT.

PS: When the Levee Breaks is a Led Zepellin song, but they didn't write it! It was written by Memphis Minnie and Kansas Joe McCoy. I'm unsure if it's Kansas Joe from Kansas or Missouri. Anyhow... Zeparella... chicks rocking out to a Led Zep cover! They're pretty and pretty good!  

Pipeline

Let's call today's blog a preface of things to come.

Today is Saturday, September 28, 1991. It's the beginning of the 15th month of my life here in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan.

Whenever I'm antsy, I tend to clean up my apartment. Not so today. Sometimes a guy just needs to do laundry.

I also head out to the post office to mail some letters home to family and friends in Toronto. At that time, being the famous gaijin (foreigner) that I am, the clerk says he has some mail for me. Usually, they deliver it - and all other mail written in English, to my apartment mailbox. I guess I just got there ahead of time.

That type of stuff would never happen in Canada... they have to deliver it to the mailbox.... I like that they know who I am. In fact, I'm willing to bet that the post office even knew I was coming there today, as it seems like there is some sort of underground gaijin spy network going on here in Ohtawara, where everybody gets a 24/7 update on just what their favourite gaijin is doing. Sorry Matthew... I'm the favourite. It's my blog.

Regular readers will know that Matthew is the other assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme who lives in this city (he teaches junior high school at the school outside of the city, and I teach at the seven within the city. He's my best friend here that I'm  not sleeping with.

The posties find a large envelope for me that I crack open immediately, as it's from Susan St Cyr, a JET head... who announces in her letter to me that she is resigning her position... aw, too bad (heavy sarcasm). At least she sent me 34,000 yen (US/Cdn $340) to cover my expenses for mailing out the prefecture JET newsletter The Tatami Times.

I rent some videos and continue to clean up a bit and then invite Ashley (my ex-girlfriend and current friend with benefits) over to watch Uncle Buck before we head over to the 4C bar for some drinks.

Tomiko, the cutie Japanese female bartender, asks me quite pointedly if Ashley is my girlfriend.

"NO!" I tell her quite emphatically.

The whole place hears my response but may (or may not) know what I was saying 'no' to. They probably all knew what the question was. It's that underground hotline.

I have no idea if Tomiko was asking for herself, for one of the six Japanese women in the bar, or all six Japanese women in the bar. Perhaps they were having a bet. Perhaps someone wanted to date me. Perhaps someone wanted to date Ashley. Maybe because everyone knows she was with me, but I've not heard of anyone wanting to date her. I'm sure there are men who do, however. Hmmm.

Despite me now after 14 months having sex for the first time in my life (thanks, Ashley) and having done so with more women than Ashley has ever had prior to meeting me... I feel jealous... for absolutely no reason.

Ashley and I have a couple of drinks. I constantly look around the place trying to gauge the actions and reactions of people to see who wanted to know about my social status... but can't figure it out. I assume now that the question was solely for me... I mean, they could have asked Ashley the same question.... but then again, she has always told anyone who will listen here in Ohtawara that she and I have only ever been just friends... while I have always done the opposite and said we were boinking as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Is that the opposite? Probably not.

Anyhow.. we leave the place at around 12AM, as she has to get home to clean up her place early... as she has a guest coming over.

It's Karen. The new senior high school assistant English teacher in Yaita-shi (Yaita City). The woman who wants to be MY girlfriend, and begged me to slow things down. I only ever wanted sex. Not another girlfriend... I figured it would be a better way to avoid a rebound... Karen wanted to slow things down between us... and suggested some space so that she could get used to Japan.

Fine... but she was the one who accelerated things with me. I hate that. Start me up, and then jam on the breaks. My advice for anyone is to not start what you don't intend to finish. Especially sex! Do you really think that endears men to you? We really do want sex. We'll take the relationship after... after we see if the sex is any good.

I haven't really talked with Karen too much these past few weeks since my mother left Japan. My mom had come for a few weeks to sight-see, and Karen glommed onto my mom and became her best friend. I have to admit that though cute, it kind of pissed me off.

As it turned out, my mom preferred Karen over Ashley... one who wanted me over one who only wanted me for sex... though my mother didn't know that.

Do mother's know best. In this instance, my gut says no. Karen has a lot of baggage, and while I am man enough to help carry it for her, at this point in my life I think I'd prefer to have my cake and eat it too... get laid as much as possible.... but ideally when the time is right, have a girlfriend with less baggage.

While my back is indeed better after seeing a chiropractor here, I don't need to hurt it again with a heavy burden to bear.

So... anyhow... Karen and Ashley are going to Nikko for a few days. I assume just the two of them... though it might actually involve a few other female AETs. Karen, though only here for two months, already went to Nikko with my mom. Ashley and I have been a few times already, and often go to a particular antique shop to pick up knicknacks... masks for her and pre-1867 ukiyo-e (Japanese wood block prints) for me. The proprietor of the shop has taught us many things on our two subjects.

Karen and Ashley going out to spend a few nights together out of town. If I had a dirty mind I'd think manly thoughts. And I do have a dirty mind.

Still... this meeting of the ex and the pre... well, that can only mean trouble for me sometime later.

I ride Ashley back to her place, get a nice kiss and then ride back to my apartment, ditch my bicycle and walk back in to the 4C, to see if anyone (female Japanese babe) wants a piece of me. They better hurry. I get t he feeling after Ashley and Karen's trip to Nikko, there won't be much of me left to screw with.

Unfortunaletly, when I get back... none of the six female patrons are still there, and Tomiko isn't flirting with me. Damn.

Oh well... I suppose someone somewhere is happy that I am here at the 4C by myself. I just know it isn't me.

Somewhere the noose is tightening,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Ventures: NOWORDS
PS: I know that that a pipeline in this song is a surfing term. I'm using it to denote a means of transferring information.

Rocket Man

Cripes. It's Sunday, September 1, 1991 - school starts tomorrow. I live in the small city of Ohtawara in Tochigi Prefecture in Japan. I've been here for 13 months, and I have greatly enjoyed my time here in this strange but wonderful country. The only thing that screws me up is the woman situation.

It's true that I came to this country nearly 26-years-old and still more virginal than a Catholic girl's school, but quickly got over that - though I wonder if I could become a born-again virgin, y'know, just for old time's sake. I've already hit double digits, despite having an unsteady relationship with Ashley for 10 months. Every time we were off again, I was on again with some woman who would literally throw herself at me. Crap like that never happened back in Canada. Never... I could have been on fire in my Toronto-area high school cafeteria or university or college, and not one single woman would have even noticed. Sometimes Canada is a really stupid country.

Even now in 2011, how come I never get hit on? Are women that lazy here - sit back and let the men come onto them, shoot them down and choose the one guy who looks super good but knows it? Welcome to Toronto's bar scene.

In Japan, it's a rare event when I don't have some woman try and talk to me at a bar. It's even rarer that I don't have a girlfriend or regular or even semi-regular sexual partner - but that's what is going on in my life here in Ohtawara. As such... I'm moody and agitated.

Up at 10:30AM, my friend Matthew who lives five minutes away comes over to my apartment. We then walk over to his place and get a ride from his girlfriend Takako to the Asian Rural Institute in the north end of town. They are hosting a picnic at Shinoyama Koen (Shinoyama Park). The Institute is a place for farmers from India, China, Pakistan, Indonesia - heck - Asia - to learn Japanese farming techniques so that they can go back home and apply it there.

Ohtawara, despite only having 50,000 people in it, seems to have a plethora of foreigners living in its boundaries. Along with the 12 people at the Institute (I've never seen so many brown people in one area before - I'm actually from white middle-class suburbia in Etobicoke - a city within Metropolitan Toronto and as of 2011 am still pretty much the only visible minority on the block... some 37 years after I first came to the area), there are also a lot of Japanese businesses (technical types) that have a few gaijin (foreigners) working at their plant for short contracts (from Canada and the US mainly). And there's Matthew & myself who live in Ohtawara, a few New Zealand bartenders, and others scattered around... it's no wonder this burg has an Ohtawara International Friendship Association!

And yet... despite the preponderance of foreigners, most of Ohtawara still seems stunned when they see me, as I am still often the first foreigner they have ever seen. I guess I get out a lot. (Matthew, too!).

At the picnic: It's hot out today. Bloody hot. India in August hot. Hovering at around 39 Celsius.As soon as I get there, I go for a beer and relax. It's a good thing I never (ever) get hang-overs, or I'd be a dead man every day in this country!

As I sit by myself, I overhear people from the Institute talking with Business foreigners with some Japanese locals (there are a few in Ohtawara) about me. They talk in Japanese and in English. I can't speak Japanese worth a damn, but it appears as though I understand a heck of a lot more than I should. When the heck did that happen?

These people are gossiping about me with me sitting maybe 15 feet (4.6 meters) away! They are talking about the number of girlfriends I seem to have.

I don't correct them on that, but do state that I currently have no girlfriends, and don't want one.

My friend Naoko.

Naoko, a Japanese lady friend with the Friendship Association, is ever nearby and asks me 'Why?" I tell her it's because people are always spying on me or gossiping about me, and how could I do that to another woman. Naoko quickly runs off and disappears in the crowd. And it seems like there is a crowd of maybe 100 people.

Suddenly the party-goers at the park, part like the Red Sea for Moses, and I see Naoko talking with Shoko, the very pretty, shy and quiet Japanese local who likes me and me her. Shoko is one of the students in my extra-curricular night time English conversation class I teach (and get paid handsomely) for the Friendship Association.

Feeling stupid from the alcohol and the heat, I want to get away from the gossipy gossipers, so I move off and try and hide. But, Matthew, ever-concerned for my mental health, follows me to ensure I am not by myself. Apparently I yelled my responses back to the gossipers.

Then Shoko comes over and quickly asks me out on a date!? God I love this country. I had always been reluctant to go out with her because I was afraif of the language barrier. Shoko was too, or maybe she just always figured I had a girlfriend and didn't want to be part of the revolving sextrade I had going for me in my apartment building.

Cool. Next Friday she and I will go out for drinks over at the 4C, if I am not too tired from my daily routine of working three hours a day team-teaching (with a Japanese teacher of English) at one of my seven junior high schools (chu gakko).

Despite this bit of happiness injected into my bloodstream, I still act and perhaps feel quiet, shy or aloof. I don't mingle much. I guess I'm still upset about people talking about me within earshot expecting that I wouldn't hear or understand them.

Even back in 1990 and 1991, I had always threatened Ashley (and others) by stating: "Never, ever piss off a writer." Twenty years later, I guess I'm proving my point.

After the picnic, Matthew and I head back to my place and watch some Sherlock Holmes episodes I had taped on my bilingual television and VCR (video tape recorder). We then go to some place called the Orient Club to exercise for three hours. I have no idea why Matthew even knows of this place, but he knows a way more about Ohtawara than I do, as he seems to have more of an explorers spirit, and a greater Japanese language ability than I will ever have. I guess that's why he has a Japanese girlfriend, and I only have a first date with a quiet, shy and reserved cutie pie.

The Orient Club has light cycles, treadmills, stair masters and some other stuff. It's a smallish place, but very clean and well run. We go for a swim, a sauna and then an onsen (it's like a hot tub but a bit bigger). I weigh myself when w start. It's 76.45 kilograms (168.45 pounds), and when we are done, I'm down to 75.85 kilograms (167.22 pounds)! My blood pressure seems a little high at 143/80. My body is hurting, but with the weight loss (I'm not fat! Yay!) I feel good.

Matthew and when finished, go over to the fastfood restaurant Mosburger. It's my favourite comfort food, and Matthew seems to know that. Give me convenience or give me death! Of course our supper blows all of our training, but who cares?!

My mom and dad call me at 12:30AM to let me know she arrived home safely in Toronto after mom came out to visit me here in Japan. Despite the lateness of the hours, I don't care - I couldn't sleep anyway... thinking about Karen, Kristine, Ashley, Shoko and my threesome with two hot Thai women a couple of weeks ago. That's why I'm so moody!

For five days in Thailand, I was getting sex four plus times a day for five days. Now I am not. Karen wants to be boyfriend girlfriend (and I just want sex); Ashley offers sex when she wants to as a friend-with-benefits (I also want a relationship); Kristine - I want a relationship, but she lives 500 kilometres away, and I think she's probably too good for me; and Shoko who I assume wants a relationship with me (but I'm unsure what I want with her - sex, yes, but a relationship with a nice Japanese girl would be a step up for me here in Japan - I am concerned about how we are going to communicate with each other when we have a language barrier. A physical relationship is fine, but I do want more.

Hmmm. Karen is offering me that (and my mom likes her; didn't like Ashley; probably would have loved Kristine; and been luke-warm with Shoko due to communication difficulties) but something about Karen is off-putting. Probably my need to have Ashley back as a girlfriend. I am so screwed up in the head still.

Hey Matthew - I don't think there is enough Mosburger in the world to make me feel better.

Somewhere restless,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Elton John: BLAST-OFF!
PS: I don't sleep well again - a recurring event here in Japan... either due to me thinking too much or not enough.

Eat It

After the physically tiring and liver-sapping day of yesterday at the Sakuyama Obon Matsuri (Sakuyama festival of the dead), I figured I owed myself a relaxing day off.

It's Wednesday, August 28, 1991 and I'm here in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. My mom, Lynda, has flown in from Toronto to visit me, as I am currently in my 13th month of living, loving, screwing, drinking and simply enjoying myself here in Japan. I arrived here an incompetent virgin and along with hitting double digits and simultaneous double female partners, I have learned how to cook, clean, shop, do laundry and iron. I even was taught by a Home Economics teacher at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (one of the seven junior high schools I teach at) how to sew. I'm only so-so at that, however. Sorry for that crappy joke. I usually do better.

So... even though I am on vacation still, I get up early and drag my mom  into work at the Ohtawara Board of Education (which I have dubbed the OBOE... I have no idea why I only did that back in 2009, and not back in 1990-1993!).

I take the Superintendent a large bottle of Canadian whiskey as a present - to thank him for allowing me the honour of working for him these past 13 months, and for another 11 future months, as well as to thank him for looking after my general well-being. To be honest, he had nothing to do with that, though he may have appointed the two men —Kanemaru-san and Hanazaki-san—that job... but, that's Japan. The boss gets the glory and the booze. Not to worry... I'll take in something for those guys later - when I don't have to embarrass the rest of the office when I don't provide presents for everyone.

I really wish I could... but I'm not a rich man—only in the things that count, and I'm pretty pissed off about that—I can only afford a few presents for those that really looked after me... though, to a person, each one in that office played a major role in my survival this past year.
  
As expected (okay, I didn't really expect it), but the whole OBOE goes ga-ga over my mom!

As a special treat (and thanks for the booze), my mom, Hanazaki-san (who speaks much more English than Kanemaru-san) and I are chauffeured around in the Superintendent's air-conditioned limousine. The Superintendent joins us, as we first visit his family home that actually belongs to his older brother now.

Located in Yuzukami-mura (Yuzukami Village), the place is over 200-years-old, is larger than any home I have ever been in here except a castle, is made of solid spruce wood and looks like it was built last week.

His sister-in-law serves us kuri (cucumber) and nasu (egg plant) salted overnight in a brine. It's fantastic, and I can't believe how much I eat considering neither vegetable is amongst my favourites. It's just that tasty!

We next head over to the Tengu Jinja  (Tengu Shrine)... I have no idea where I am... but Tengu is a large-nosed spirit  who can be better described by seeing rather than me writing about it... click on Tengu above for a lookie-loo. Unfortunately the shrine is closed up for repairs, but we can still see through a window.

We then drive out to the small town of Bato! Great! This is the third place I've never been to today - and guess who doesn't have his camera? Yup. Me.

At Bato, to thank him for his even greater generosity, I buy the Superintendent a lovely piece of Bato pottery - a vase. He was going to buy it himself, but I snatched it from his hands and paid for it myself. He seemed completely shocked, but I think he loved the fact that anyone would dare do something so strange and generous.

I don't know if that's what he was thinking, but the strange grin on his face showed ME that I was probably the first person in this country to ever do something like that to and for a boss. I think he originally thought I was going to buy it for myself and wanted it badly enough to rip it from his hands! Fooled you!

In retaliation, he buys my mother a pair of "His & Hers" coffee cups and saucers. I still have those cups - no photo though, as my wife took the camera with her to the cottage just this morning... me? I have to work!) My mom buys herself a large plate to put into her collection back in Toronto.

Next we head over to Ungonji Komekami (Unganji Temple) in Kurobane-machi (Kurobane Town - where Kanemaru-san happens to live). I have been here before, but nestled up against the Nasu mountain range's Higashi Yama (Eastern Mountain), I finally have perfect picture taking weather. mom as is her fashion in Japan, runs out of film... again.

At around 1PM, we stop off at Naka Gawa (Middle River) for an ayu (Japanese sweetfish) and to see the yana (bamboo ramp used to catch the fish).

They drop us off at home at 2PM, but I head out to go shopping while my mom relaxes a bit. My mom is making a tuna casserole.

She had me invite Matthew and Ashley over for dinner, curious to see why I was hung up on this girl. However, since I have kyudo (Japanese archery) tonight, the dinner is at 5PM.

Today I do go to kyudo with Kanemaru-san (my sensei/tecaher). Ashley who does archery with me decides not to go because she is sleepy. If there is one thing that really bothers me about Ashley, it's her inability to stay awake.

She was quiet during dinner, and acted like she didn't want to be there... but she and Matthew are my two best friends here in Japan, and I really wanted them to meet my mom. Screw Ashley - my ex-girlfriend and perhaps still friend-with-benefits... at least Matthew was the life of the party. I couldn't even look at her during dinner.

At kyudo, I hit one target out of four - alright! It's my first successful hit from the proper distance, and my form is perfect! because of that, they make me sign up for a kyudo tournament on September 8. Aaaaarrrggghhh! I have no idea how to say no, I'm a stinking coward in Japanese!

On the plus side, with my hair in a pony-tail, I feel like Robin Hood... if he had a ponytail and was a real person.

However... during archery, my stomach begins to churn and hurt. Everyone thinks its that Thailand dysentery problem I just got over. Me? I think it's either my mom's cooking or nerves hitting about the tournament.

As such, I need to leave early. Kanemaru-san who drove me there says it's okay to leave, and then sits around talking for a while. All I know is that the gurgling in my stomach is a forerunner to my gut exploding all over a toilet... and I've not seen one at the kyudo club!  Someone's going to be sorry!

When he finally does deign to take me home, I rush up to my apartment and barely make it up to my third-floor apartment. Kanemaru-san follows close behind and waits to see if I am alright.

My mom gives him some take-home tuna casserole. I told you someone was going to be sorry.

Matthew was still there when I got home, though Ashley was long gone. My mom was showing him some of my baby pictures.

I survive.

Somewhere wondering why my mom has my baby pictures with her on a trip to Japan,  
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Weird Al Yankovic. BURP
PS: No offense to Ashley in 2011, but my mom did not like her that much. It's probably because she wasn't as effervescent as Karen - the woman who wants to be my girlfriend, and who started sewing stuff for my apartment with my mom. I think Ashley had her baggage, but it still wasn't as heavy as Karen's. I think Ashley was just more shy, and I really did nothing to nurture her breaking out of that - expect to hope that my new-found brashness would rub off on her. I always figured that since I am the life of the party nowadays, that if she hung out with me she would be part of that party life, too. She may not have cared for that. I thought I did, because I had never been popular before thanks to a killer shyness. Regardless, Ashley preferred her own friends, most all of whom I found bitchy and bossy. She could be with her stand-offish crowd, and I could stand with my non-stand-offish crowd. At this time, I am unsure if I need to be with her or not. Same with Karen. Maybe I need someone new. Maybe I need to just freaking relax. I can't do anything with my mom around anyway... and besides... I haven't heard from Karen in a while... I wonder if she is expecting me to call her.  I don't. 
PPS: Okay... I just listened to the words to this parody song Eat It (イート・イット... this reads: ee-to it-to) (it's a parody of Beat It by Michael Jackson)... it mentions starving children in Japan!; and it mentions tuna casserole! Trust me! I had no idea those words were in this song, as I haven't listened to it in maybe 25 years! I love it when a plan comes together!

No Woman No Cry

It's Tuesday, August 20, 1991. Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. It's raining.

I'm still sick with dysentery. The one woman for whom I would gladly kill a yak for her supper—Kristine South—is leaving my place at noon. While she probably has no clue as to how much I adored her, she did like me, (and in fact admitted as much to me last year—2010—saying she would have slept with me back in Japan).

Great. Tell me now after we are both married to other people! It is pretty funny, and hey, at least I know in 2011 that I wouldn't have been shot down in 1991 if I had tried to make a move. My move pretty much involves me getting closer, touching arms and legs (with arms or legs) and seeing whether or not the other person moves away. Then you look into their eyes, and lean forward for the kiss.

At least that is what I would do if I ever had to make a play for a woman. Here in Japan, I never did. The women all made plays for me. Kristine hasn't, but I think that is because I'm sick.

I walk with Kristine out to the nearby bus stop. We hug (best hug ever, as of 1991), and say our good-byes. I'm pretty sure I leaned forward and down (Kristine is maybe about 5'-3"... maybe), and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

By the way... she looked really hot in the rain.

A hug and a kiss on the cheek... memories to last a lifetime... especially if I write this down in a diary or something and then 20 years later put it in a blog, whatever that is.

My buddy Matthew comes over at 3PM, and we watch some videos each of us has had sent over. Matthew, Kristine and I are one of the 1,500 assistant English teachers living in Japan and who work with the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme. Matthew happens to live in my town... Kristine some 500 kilometers further. That distance is really a pain in the butt... almost as much as my dysentery.

At 5:30PM, we walk over to Matsuri restaurant for dinner - but the place is closed. Too bad, I was going to buy him dinner, because, as fate would have it, I'm feeling better. I guess the medicine Kristine got me did the trick. Just not fast enough.

So, we head over to our favourite fast food restaurant, Mosburger. You know, I haven't seen Matthew since August 5th when we were in Tochigi-ken's capital city of Utsunomiya giving a speech together on How To Survive In Japan. I then took off for Thailand. Nailed a couple of beautiful Thai babes (one at a time for days, and then together). Came back with my mom in tow... spent time with her, my friend John (also from Toronto) who all came for a visit (though John left yesterday) ... and there's a new woman, Karen, who wants to be my girlfriend.

Karen, from North Bay, Canada, is also on the JET Programme, having arrived less than a month ago.

And then there is Ashley. She's from Augusta, Georgia, and was my girlfriend for pretty much the entire first year. We broke up and got back together so many times that we eventually became friends-with-benefits.

Ashley had been visiting home these past few weeks... but she's back in Japan as she calls my place at 6PM and asks me to met her at Nishinasuno-eki (Nishinasuno train station) at 7PM.

It's really raining hard now as I ride my bicycle out to her place, where I pick up her bike and ride both over to the train station. If it is at all possible for it to rain harder, it does. I am literally soaked through and through.

Ashley arrives at 8:30PM. An hour and a half late. I figure she just missed the trains, because Japanese trains are never late! Really. Who cares about the lateness... at least Ashley's back.

She looks tired, and she's put on some weight. Okay, she looks really fat. It's a good thing she's pretty... but what the hell?! Her weight gain was striking... but she was still a sight for these sore eyes. I guess I still love her... and want more than a friend with benefits. I think.

I help her move her stuff to her apartment in Nishinasuno-machi (Nishinasuno Town). I stay for five minutes (because she's really jet-lagged), give her a peck on the lips and leave.

I ride home in the rain... its let up a a bit, but it has gotten colder.

I try to go to sleep at 10PM, but I'm restless... more so when Matthew calls at midnight.

Somewhere weaving a tangled web,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Bob Marley & The Wailers: NOCRY

Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me & My Monkey

It's not all about the sex. It's just mostly about the sex. This blog is mostly about the part that is not about the part that is mostly about sex. I get it, even if I'm not getting it today.

It's Saturday, August 17, 1991. I'm living in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. My mom has come to visit from Toronto. Karen, who is newly arrived in Japan  (three weeks), wants to be my friend before we embark on sex.

She and I are assistant English teachers on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme. I'm on my second year here. I've also just come off a break-up with my girlfriend Ashley of Augusta, Georgia, and subsequent friends-with-benefits equation. It's sex without the hang-ups of ... well, everything.

I recently returned from Thailand where I was lucky enough to have become the boy toy for two hot-hot-hot Thai women who are 21, work at the hotel I stayed at, and were cool with me dating the other girl. Dating should have been in "quotes". My last night there involved a Thai sandwich, that was both filling and satisfying, but has left me wanting more... and that doesn't seem to be something I can pick-up here in Japan. But... never say die.

And here's Karen who wants to slow thing down so that we can have a relationship before we have sex. She obviously doesn't know who the heck she is dealing with. 

My mom and Karen went to the famed historical city of Nikko together yesterday. Nikko is famous for its "Three Wise Monkeys"... you know the ones: "Hear No Evil; See No Evil; Speak No Evil".

There should be a fourth one: "Touch No Evil, with the monkey grabbing his groin area. Matthew actually got me a statuette of the Four Wise Monkeys... and I'll be damned if I know where it is. Probably got taken out in the house fire a few years back.

Karen rather than going back to her apartment two towns south when the trip was over, came back to my place. She and my mom talked. I think I just touched myself while remembering Thailand.

Anyhow... at 8:30AM, Karen comes bounding into my room and jumps atop me, puts her arms around me, kisses me good morning, waiting until something pops up between us before hopping off. Damn... now more monkey business for me later.

She wants me to get up and fix her some tea and toast. I'm exhausted both physically and mentally. I haven't been alone in weeks and I've had dysentery.

By this time, my mom is up and sees Karen following out of my bedroom, arches an eyebrow, but doesn't say anything. I don't even bother trying to correct her mistake, as she already thinks I slept with all of the female staff at our hotel in Thailand, and that I probably got the stewardesses pregnant on our return flight home.

Why tell my mom she's wrong? besides, she knows that even if I was doing what she suspects I am doing, that I would be smart enough to use all of the condoms she sent me.

I am.. but if the past week in Thailand has taught me anything, one can never have enough boxes of condoms.

Because  I seem to have misplaced my bicycle key (to unlock it), I call up my boss, Kanemaru-san, at the Ohtawara Board of Education (OBOE). He comes over, and I introduce him to everyone. He raises an eye at Karen and then looks at me... like 'what the hell are you doing?!' I shrug my shoulders back at him as if to ask 'What the hell am I doing?!' We then take my bicycle over to one of the 347 bicycle repair shops that are apparently all located on a single laneway called Bicycle Repairshop Street.

I'm making that up, but it's not really that outlandish. I just have no idea what any of the streets are, as there are no street signs denoting it.

We leave my bike there - as they will apparently either create a new key or put a new lock on, and then drop it  off at my place tomorrow. 

Back at my apartment one hour later, Karen and my mom are sewing pillow cases for my sofa. You've got to be kidding me? It's almost the last straw. If it wasn't for Karen's awesome sweater puppets, I would've blown a seal... and then got angry when the seal wouldn't call me the next day.

I hate this! I appreciate the gesture, but I don't want to feel obligated to anyone I'm trying to boink.

I head out onto my western balcony for some fresh air, and to read Sherlock Holmes, as Karen, my mom, and now local girl (and only friend) Naoko plot out the details of my mom's trip out to the western part of Japan. Holy crap... my mom is going to see more of Japan than I ever will!

Why am I not going with her? Oh yeah... I'm 'busy' and have no money.

Karen wants to go with my mom (please god, no), but I don't think she realizes just how expensive it really is.

At 4PM, I take a bicycle trip out to Ashley's place to water her plants while she is away in the U.S. No, my bicycle is not yet back, however, I borrowed Ashley's bicycle for Karen to ride a few days ago... lucky... so at least I have something  - a girl's bike - to make the 20-minute trip (by bike) to Nishinasuno-machi (Nishinasuno Town).

Of course, pretty much every single one of my students in seven junior high schools happens to be out that afternoon, and sees me riding a girl's bicycle. Most laugh their head off, while others gasp as they know it's Ashley-sensei (Ashley teacher's) bike - and what happened to her.

The all-seeing Eye of Agamotto, which sees all and knows all, only watches my life. Perhaps it's because Ashley lives in Nishinasuno (northwest of Ohtawara), that people don't seem to know much about her life... or perhaps it's because she doesn't tell everybody everything. Whatever... she told me, so therefore, everyone should already know everything about her!

You know... I warned Ashley many, many, many times to never make a writer angry.  See? I told you not to make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry (or apparently when I'm not angry).

Unlike my friend John who left my fridge empty for me when I came back from Thailand, I restock Ashley's fridge with some bare necessities, as she is returning on Tuesday.

Back home, my mom's reservations for tomorrow's Shinkansen train ride out west, and for her hotels... they are all set. Karen has indeed found the financial waters at tad too deep and has correctly decided to get out.

Naoko drives Karen to the train station so she can go back to Yaita-shi. That leaves just me and my mom... and she's in the bedroom packing for tomorrow. I enjoy the quiet for exactly 30 minutes... that's when John arrives back at my place.

I make him, Naoko and my mom a super hot chili dinner. It makes them all sweat, but at least no one bitches about the heat. I don't eat because I know the food won't stay in me. One, if you'll pardon the pun, solid week of dysentery.

John's trip to Fuji-san was a partial success. He apparently got down to Tokyo without a hitch, but then got on another train that went east instead of west. By the time he discovered the mistake and actually got to Mt. Fuji (I don't believe it actually exists), there were no buses going up to Level 5 (a place where most people actually start the climb so as to not tire themselves out too much when trying to reach the summit. 

So... he either had six-hour hike or the option of a taxi. He took the taxi. I don't blame him... but how much did that cost?! The cab driver gave him a walking stick with all of the levels he would have physically climbed if he hadn't taken a car. The stick, actually contained a few more levels and had a stamp for the peak.

Still, John made it all the way up to Level 8 - and then crashed. He awoke cold and hungry, but did get some really good pictures. That's what he said. I never actually saw the photos... more proof that there is no actual Mt. Fuji. You can read my explanation for this HERE.

Anyhow... everybody loved my chili... especially my mom, who had no idea that I could cook. I can't. This was pretty much the only thing I can make.

after John packed and got ready for his flight back home tomorrow, he and went out for four beers apiece at the 4C bar. We run into another local gaijin (foreigner), Kevin... and both he and John chide me for being too quiet. Hell... I'm sick. And tired.

Am I loud enough for you boys now?

Somewhere touching my monkey,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Beatles: COMEON 
PS: I was actually quite impressed with John for trying to climb this imaginary mountain. He did good.
PPS: The image above is NOT the one Matthew gave me... his was a white plastic and maybe about 4 inches high per monkey. I can still picture it perfectly.

Where No Man Has Gone Before

It's Friday, August 16, 1991... I'm up at 8AM and feeling sick from dysentery--I can't stop going to the toilet! I'm living in the small city of Ohtawara, Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan... and have just started my second year here.

My mom is visiting from Toronto, as is my friend, John. I haven't had much time to myself--and that's something I think I really desire... even if its for a couple of hours alone every night, just to get my thoughts in order so that I can survive another day. I'm not depressed or anything... at least not clinically... I just need space. Star Trek got it right. Space is the final frontier.

I'm here in Japan to seek out a new life (for myself), a new world, and a new civilization. To boldly go (or to be grammatically correct), to go boldly where no gaijin (foreigner/outsider) has gone before. Trouble is... I don't feel like Captain Kirk in charge of my own spaceship. I feel more like that poor sucker in the red suit who knows he's going to die when beamed down onto a new alien planet.

That's what dysentery feels like. Plus my butt hurts from the lousy thin toilet paper here in Japan. I try to buy the two- or three-ply stuff, but it just seems too thin! When will someone invent toilet paper extra thick in the middle so your thumb doesn't break through and get crap all over it?!

Ahhh, but I digress.

I'm too sick to go with my mom, Karen (the girl who would be my girlfriend), Naoko (the girl my mom wants to play matchmaker with having met plenty of eligible bachelors on her sojourns around Japan) and Mr. Suzuki (the president of the Ohtawara International Friendship Association).

John leaves at noon to go and climb Mt. Fuji (Fuji-san). I still think that is a waste of time. I don't believe it exists. I've traveled by it five or six times and have never seen it. I've also climbed nearby Mt. Nasu (Nasu Yama) and used the telescope to supposedly view Mt. Fuji... and every single time there is some sort of weather thing obscuring what the Japanese say is Mt. Fuji. Fog. Clouds. Rain. Snow. Godzilla. It's just never been visible for me.

As John leaves, I get up out of bed  - free at last!!! - and fix myself up. Kanemaru-san (Mr. Kanemaru), my boss at the Ohtawara Board of Education (OBOE) calls and asks me to come to work in the afternoon, as there is some heavy busines they need to discuss with me.

I'm on vacation, but what the heck. It's only a five minute bicycle ride away from where I live at 307 Zuiko Haitsu in downtown Ohtawara. It's the tallest building in the City, and is also supposed to be the most luxurious. I don't know about that, but my apartment certainly is large... three bedrooms, LDK, full bathroom, washer/dryer, and a pair of balconies... one to the west and one to the north. The north is lived in by Mothra-sized spiders that come out as it gets dark. Ick. I hate spiders.

So... at the OBOE, the earth-shattering work they need from me, is to hanko (sign) a single document. That's it. Whatever. I know it couldn't wait, and it's not like I was doing anything important. At least they all know I'm sick, as I have always told everyone exactly how I am.
"Kyo-wa, ogenki desuka? (Today, how are you?)"
"Ma-ma desu (So-so)."

Then the dictionaries come out and everyone determines what's wrong with me. Trust me... in this country where you don't know the language, system or anything, it's best not to keep too many secrets. Not like I can anyway. There is some sort of grave vine network in place in Ohtawara that lets the populace know where I am and with whom; what I am wearing, eating, drinking, purchasing or whatever.

I know this sounds stupid, considering I like being alone sometimes, but it's nice that the whole city seems to have taken a shine to me, and seems to be looking out for my best interests when it's obvious I don't do that for myself, what with being a recently deflowered virgin and current idiot.

At 6PM, my mom arrives back from Nikko... oh, and look who she brought back with her... Karen.

Karen and my mom are best buddies now, and enjoy the camaraderie. Me... I love my mom, but even back in Toronto, I sat alone in my room in the basement and watched Star Trek by myself (see THIS video).

Karen wants to spend the night. Schmoozing with my mom. They chat until 11PM when my mom finally packs it in.

Karen, with her head in my lap wants to know if I expect anything tonight. She says she'd like to be my friend first.

So, who the heck said anything otherwise? I just want sex. Not with my mom in the place, of course. My apartment is big - just not that big!

Karen says that sex can wait until later.

What? I have not said anything about sex... but there are certain expectations. I just nod my head and say okay. I certainly wasn't expecting her this evening, and I wasn't expecting anything tonight. I do have dysentery, afterall.
 
Karen sleeps in the living room on my couch. My mom is in my room on my queen-sized bed, and I'm sleeping in John's room, which is a bloody mess.

Somewhere beyond my rim of the star-light,
Andrew Joseph
Blog title is by Alexander Courage who wrote the theme song to Star Trek: WARPFACTOR.
Here are the original words to the song that were not used - written by show creator Gene Roddenberry. Sorry Gene... it sucks.



Beyond
The rim of the star-light
My love
Is wand'ring in star-flight
I know
He'll find in star-clustered reaches
Love,
Strange love a star woman teaches.
I know
His journey ends never
His star trek
Will go on forever.
But tell him
While he wanders his starry sea
Remember, remember me.

Get back

Crap. First off.... Happy Father's day.

Second... sorry for being late with the blog.

Third... sorry... I screwed up, and skipped ahead a day. Thanks to all who pointed that out. Okay... no one did. I caught the mistake myself.

Fourth... I had a few rum & cokes... then I realized I forgot to blog, and that I skipped a day. When it rains it pours. I hope my typing is up to speed.

Here is the missing day. It's Wednesday, August 14, 1991. Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan.

Karen... the new kid on the Tochigi-ken (Toichigi Prefecture) block calls early and says she'd like to come over.

Karen and I met a week ago when she first arrived in Japan. She's a young, attractive redhead with big boobs, pale white skin, freckles, a couple of pounds overweight, funny, articulate, intelligent... so what's wrong with her? She seems to have a lot of baggage. That's just my opinion, though. While she likes me (a lot!!), she wants to slow things down so we can have a proper relationship.

To be honest - and this isn't fair to her - I don't want a relationship. I do... just not with her. I want sex. Sex would be good. But what I really want is a relationship with my current friend-with-benefits, Ashley... who also happens to be my ex-girlfriend here in Japan.

She broke things off with me claiming I was suffocating her. Maybe. All I know is she was over at my place five times a week. Maybe she liked to eat my food. She was able to save enough money to go back home to Augusta, Georgia a couple of weeks ago, while I had to rely on my mom to buy me a ticket to Thailand, where I met her last week before heading back here to Japan (with mom in tow) two days ago. Someone is being used.

Life is complicated here in Japan. In Thailand, I was banging two Thai women at different points in the day... and on the last day there, both at the same time. Okay... that's physically impossible, but you know what I mean. There was no jealousy at all. No complications... just sex without the hang-up of emotional baggage.

Oh... did I mention my friend John has flown over from Toronto to spend some time in Japan? Sure I have a 3-bedroom place... but man... I need my space, baby. I'm a loner. Always been, probably always will be. I need my own downtime. My very good friends back in Toronto, Nigel, Rob, Kevin... they know this and are smart enough not to constantly call me. I still love them all - even when I'm incommunicado (hint, hint)... sometimes, I'm just tired, over-worked or simply down on myself and need time to think. I wish I could be that social guy... you know the one who wears the mask here in Japan pretending to be the social butterfly... but I'm not. I'm a pretty damn fine actor when I have to be.

Japan kills me sometimes. Slowly by degrees.

No wait. Scratch that. Japan is fine. It's uplifting and exciting and I learn something new every day. I kill myself a little every day. I'm just a tad too introspective for my own good. I'll have to do something about that one day. Maybe soon. Maybe I should just throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may.

Maybe the threesome thing in Japan taught me that I should just say 'screw this' and have some fun! I owe it to myself. We all do, don't we? Why should I always have to be responsible?

The answer to that one is actually quite easy. Prior to arriving in Japan... I wasn't responsible. At all. Japan has forced me to grow up. But it comes with a price. I'm conflicted. I mean I had to grow up literally overnight. I didn't get to grow into it. I moved from Toronto to Ohtawara, and had the opportunity to re-invent myself.

Why didn't I reinvent myself into someone cool? Probably because I didn't realize the reinventing was going on while I was reinventing. I was just rolling with the punches and trying to survive being a stranger in a strange land.

Holy crap... I'm getting maudlin here. Damn rum and cokes.

Anyhow... Karen. She calls and wants to come over... so, like a good little obedient sheep, I ride over to Ashley's place in Nishinasuno-machi (Nishinasuno Town) and then take her bicycle over to the station. Yes... I have her bicycle key. This way, Karen can ride Ashley's bike from Nishinasuno-eki (two stops north of her town in Yaita-shi), over to my city of Ohatawara.

Karen doesn't know about Ashley and our current or previous relationship...

Karen is waiting for me on the wrong side of the train station... and it takes me 20 minutes to notice.

We ride back slowly to my apartment. Chatting, occasionally holding hands, having a good time like couples are supposed to in the television commercials. What the heck am I doing?

Karen and my mom get along like long lost friends! Cripes! They just sit on the couch together and talk and talk and talk.

My mom, Lynda, to her credit, knows I was a whore in Thailand, and that I am sleeping with Ashley and apparently half the female population of Ohtawara... but doesn't say anything untoward to Karen. She really likes her. Could I be mistaken about Karen? I mean, if my mom likes here... shouldn't I? I do... but I'm conflicted!

I make a lot of tea and toast. My mom likes tea, and Karen is sick. Did I mention they were knitting together? Fawk! Who does that? Someone is is trying to ingratiate herself in with my mom, I suppose.

I ride back with Karen to the train station at 6PM. I miss another back doctor appointment - its been four weeks! I am stiffer than a 13-year-old in a whore house!

Suzuki Tokunori (a local farmer and head of the Ohtawara International Friendship Association) calls and invites myself, John and Mom... and the new people, like Karen, to travel with him to the historical city of Nikko on Friday. That should be fun.

While I have been to Nikko some 10 times now... it would be nice to have a tour guide who spoke English to teach me everything about this wonderful old town. Suzuki-san is a really fun and nice man.

However... at this point in time, I am really sick after contracting dysentery from my recent trip to Thailand. I haven't been able to keep anything in me for a couple of days now.

Somewhere my life is in the crapper,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Beatles. I like listening to The Beatles whenever I'm down or confused... like today. It's like they have a song about every single one of my emotions. I could easily use a Beatles song for every single day of my life here in Japan. JOJO.

Stray Cat Blues

August 11, 1991 - Part II.
I'm in Bangkok, Thailand with my mom. While I have spent the past four days traveling this beautiful country with her, I have spent my evenings and nights with a pair of Thai beauties named Boon-mee (a security guard at the hotel I am staying at) and Tookta (my waitress at the hotel restaurant). Both are 21, enjoy my company, and don't seem to mind that I am 'dating' the other. No jealousy at all.

In fact, just last night, one saw me out with the other - and they began talking to each other (I suppose they knew one another previously... also, and I'm guessing here, that word had spread that each was dating me). They got along quite well.

So well, that after my trip to see the Bridge over the River Kwai earlier today, both were waiting for me at the front of the hotel. Both had the day off. And both were ready to go out for dinner looking splendid in sun dresses that came down below the knees, patterned with paisley, with one in mostly red, and the other in mostly purple. I was wearing an orange golf shirt and khaki long pants with a my diamondback rattlesnake boots. I love animals, but I hate snakes! Better my feet should be inside one than being bitten by one.  

We walked together, with each woman holding one of my hands... and to the casual observer, I may have been the luckiest man on the planet at that time, as each beauty had a look about them that would make any guy look and any woman a bit jealous. Long and slender. Not big up top, but big enough. Long black hair cascading down past the shoulders stopping at around the lowest point of the shoulder blade - and that's on both of them. They looked nothing alike, but looked similar enough to make the average foreign guy wonder if they were related. I don't feel like an average foreign guy today.

Tookta and Boon-mee were cool chicks. No one expected me to spend my money on them. We shared. And we bought things for each other. It was just a very relaxing few days here.

And I was dreading having to go back to Japan tomorrow. Not for the country, but rather because of the people. The foreign people.

I'm a rather private person - says the guy blabbing his life to the world via this blog - but I have my Mom staying with me for a couple of weeks, my friend John (also from Toronto) staying with me, Karen - a woman who wants to be my girlfriend who has newly arrived in Japan a mere two weeks ago, and Ashley - an ex-girlfriend (currently back in the US), who wants to be my friend with benefits (which I also want, too).  There's also a Japanese woman - Shoko - I really like that I would like to know better.

Thailand.... I am stress free and have had all the sex I can handle with Tookta and Boon-mee. Why would I want to go back to my so-called life in Japan?

We have dinner at Tootka's place - all three of us, with plans to go out drinking and dancing. But we start drinking at Tootka's place. These girls can handle a lot of things in life, but alcohol is not apparently one of them. After two or three drinks, they are toast, and I'm wondering if we'll ever make it out to the dance club.

When Tootka suddenly grabs Boon-mee and kisses her deeply, I forget about the dance club.

I don't know if any of you have ever been involved in a three-way sex-romp before, but let me give you one bit of advice - as the single guy in a sandwich. Relax. You are not really needed. Participate when necessary, but otherwise lie back and enjoy what is going on.

I didn't know that at the time.

Just watching those two, I barely make it out of my pants before I am done. Fortunately, I am only 26, so I'm already ready and raring to go again.... but they just push me down and tell me to watch.

I ask Boon-mee about this as she said she wasn't into this type of thing. She said between gulps of air that Tookta thought it might make a good good-bye present for me so she agreed to do it.

I'll spare you the details, because this isn't a porno site. Let's just say that a splendid time was had by all, and I crawled back to my hotel with a very sweaty Tookta and Boon-mee, who spent a very long time giving me a good bye kiss for the Ages before departing.

No one asked me for my address, and I didn't ask them for theirs. I have no idea what their last names are, and while I know I'll never see them again, I know I'll see them every night for a long while.

Sexually, this was the best five-days of my life. Plus, I got to see and travel with my mom, How can I top this? Let's find out together if that is possible.

Oh yeah... and I'll be back in Japan tomorrow.

Somewhere I need to buy more condoms,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Rolling Stones: MEOW
PS: Yes...  I did go through five boxes of a dozen condoms while on this trip. Even more actually, as I always had a few in reserve. PPS: You know how some condoms are ribbed 'for her pleasure'? I prefer to reverse them - for my pleasure. I figure they're getting enough. Hah! I'm kidding. ;)
PPS: Another blog will appear in eight hours after the publication of this one.

Two Girls For Every Boy

I don't want to call today a wasted day - but it's not. It's Saturday, August 20, 1991. I'm in Thailand with my mother, and we're here for two more days before we go to Japan where I am just starting my second year as a junior high school English teacher. My mom is visiting from Toronto, Canada.
So far, along with seeing some amazing sites, I have spent some quality time with a couple of Thai women. Quality time, if you consider having sex a way to spend quality time... with I do. The fact that each knows I am screwing the other doesn't bother them. Each is content knowing that they are spending 'quality' time with me, that doesn't get in the way with the other. Each knows I am only here for a short time, a good time, but not a long time. And that is okay.

It's a far cry from my life in Japan, which seems to be getting a lot more free with the sex, but a lot more complicated with life.

I wonder how I'm going to go back to my home town of Ohtaewara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan with my mother in tow. She'll be staying with me, as will my friend John (also visiting from Toronto). Then there's Karen (from North Bay, Canada), another assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme (like myself), who is interested in having me as her boyfriend or confidante or something. W#ho knows. She only just arrived in Japan a week ago, and has already told her bosses that she and I were married but now divorced. My bosses will have a field day with that, as I'm sure the rumours are running rampant back in Ohtawara. Obviously, I was never married to Karen, nor had I even met her prior to a week ago.
My ex-girlfriend Ashley is now back in the U.S. for a short vacation to recover from our relationship. After breaking up because she said she needed more space... IE, that I was crowding her (even though she would come to my apartment five times a week as she wished), she and I got back together in a friends with benefits relationship... that's sex without the regard for dating... I think it al;so means I can boink whomever I want.... but when she meets Karen, will there be trouble?  
I have no idea why I get involved with wacky women. I know it's not just a North American thing, either. Just prior to Ashley and I getting back together, I was stalked by an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous Japanese university student named Junko. She nearly dropped out of university to spy on me, and to spend more time with me. She was only supposed to be in my town for a week, as part of an internship to learn about teaching methods. I guess I taught her some things she liked. I tried to pretend I was gay... or rather bi-sexual to get her to leave me alone. That didn't really work... so I finally confided to one of the Japanese teachers of English I work with who made a call and told me it would be taken care of. Later that night after Junko came to visit me, she was intercepted and taken back home to her mom where I assume she received some medical attention for her mental anguish. It's too bad she was a little too obsessed with me, because she was otherwise an ideal partner... one that I could spend the rest of my life with.
Aside from my office knowing about Junko, and an English teacher or two, none of my friends in JET know about the trials and tribulations I had with her. It's too bad... if we were ever able to leave the confines of my bedroom, I'm sure everyone would have been impressed with her as a whole.
So... when I get back to Japan in two days... I'll have my mom and John staying with me... Karen trying to stay with me... and perhaps Ashley back from the U.S.
My second year in Japan is going to be so screwed up, that it makes me consider staying here in Thailand.
I mean... I have Tookta and Boon-mee who are enjoying my company without any jealousy... can I expect things to go as smoothly back in Japan? And what if I meet someone back there that I really want? Like Shoko? She and I have been trying to get together as a couple for months now. She wants me for herself, and won't care for the friends with benefits arrangement I have with Ashley... and will either of them put up with Karen. Will my mom put with any of them? And wither John?

So... I have a lot on my mind today, as my mom and I spend the day walking about Bangkok taking in the shopping. It's hot out - 38Celsius... and if I wasn't dropping some calories from the spicy food or the copius amounts of sex, the heat is doing a number on me, too. Everything is hot in Thailand!

Maybe it's because I'm with my mother, but nearly every woman I pass on the street gives me the eye... not the stink eye, but rather they 'hey, let's do it here in the street eye'. I really must check out more of Asia to see whether it's Thailand or me.

I buy a few VCR tapes... man I hope they work back in my machine in Japan (hint... they don't!)

Back at the hotel, I shower, watch some television, and wait for Boon-mee to get off work as a security guard at the hotel entrance. I meet her at 6:15PM, we head out to her place where she already has dinner prepared. She had her mom come over and cook for us - and leave before we got there. Now that is time management. I'm into time management first, so I convince her we should have sex first before we eat (it only took a single kiss to convince her). We eat naked, and then do it again and again.

We shower together and do it again.

You know... I'm re-reading my diary as I type this, and even I can't believe I did this so many times. I can't believe I'm going out again at 1AM (two hours from now) to meet up with Tootka (after she gets of work at the hotel - she's a waitress) so we can do what I'm doing with Boon-me.

Boon-me knows I'm seeing Tookta soon, and gives me a couple of mangoes to eat. This stuff is like an aphrodisiac. I'm ready for action. Boon-me walks me back to the hotel, kisses me and says she will see me tomorrow... our evening together.

As I walk up to the restaurant, Tookta is coming out dressed to the 9s. She wanst to go dancing with me. Thank goodness I don't have to have sex with her yet... but half-way to the dance club, we stop off at her place and, well, you know what I did. I'm a bad boy.

In fact... we never make it to the dance club, as we decide that what we are doing is far more enjoyable... as she is quite impressed by my stamina... that I can go for a few hours with finishing. That's because I don't have any liquid left in my body!

We only go to bed at 4AM, and get up at 6AM after she says she felt something poking her in the back.It was actually my knee, but what the heck... I'm up.

We dress and leave her place at 7AM. We smell of sex... and I think  everyone we pass knows it, as they turn and smile at us in our disheveled dressy clothes. We stop for a bite to eat at a breakfast cart (it's spicy! - why is everything so effin' spicy?!), and then we kiss with our lips on fire. Just then, Boon-mee walks by and says hello to us.

They then talk to each other in Thai for a few fast seconds, smiling all the time, and occasionally look towards me before continuing. Aside from all of the amazing sex, I am so relaxed in Thailand. The women said they were cool with me seeing another, but to actually see them chatting nicely - it's awesome. I expected kickboxing or hair-pulling at least.

Instead, they both walked me back to the hotel, each gave me a pationate kiss and a bum grope and said they would see me tonight.

I go back into my hotel room and collapse in sheer delight and exhaustion and sleep for two hours before my mother wakes me up so we can get on with our tour.

Somewhere enjoying my wasted day,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog is by Jan and Dean: CALLITAWOODY
PS: Tomorrow I'm visiting the Bridge Over The River Kwai! I'll split the day up over two blogs... because it's an awesome day, and an even better night. I know... even I'm getting excited and can't stop whistling the theme song from the movie.