Japanese Banks A Joke

Protesters (?) outside Ashikaga Bank's Ohtawara branch.

With hard times ahead for most of the world economies, it should come as no surprise that Japan's many banks have been hit almost as hard as the U.S. banks. 



Here's a short run-down on what is going on with Japan's banks: 

• The Origami Bank of Japan folded on August 3, 2011;


• Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife has heard that the Bank of Sumo has gone belly up, too, on August 4, 2011; 


• The Nippon Bank of Bonsai has faced some hard times and has been forced to cut some of its branches in July of 2011; 


• The Gaijin Karaoke Bank is up for sale and reportedly going for a song; 


• Staff at the Karate Bank of Tochigi got chopped last week; 


• Analysts are reporting something fishy at the Ichiban Sushi Bank, where workers are going on strike over the raw deal of no new raises. 

Personally, I think Japan's citizens need to get their money out of the US dollars and out of the Japanese banks, and instead invest it all into the my favourite bank, The Bailey Building & Loan. 

Cheers

Andrew Joseph

PS: The Bailey Building & Loan is the bank mentioned in my favourite movie: It's A Wonderful Life, which liked this blog so much that they almost used the same title. Or something like that.

Japan's Skinny Apartment Buildings

Less than a foot (0.305m) wide?

Does Japan hate fat people?

Despite its love affair with the art of o-sumo (sumo wrestling) that has made it its national sport, if you were to look at this blog and this blog entry alone, you might think the country had something against the horizontally-challenged.

I don't know if that's a real term or not, or even if it makes sense, but in my head it sure does.

Regardless, this blog offers the skinny on Japan's  ultra thin buildings - it's living and work spaces.

Lots of cities around the world have one, and it ends up becoming a bit of a local landmark. But Japan seems to have more than its fair share.

Buildings that seem to have an inner width of less than eight-feet are prevalent enough for some photographers to amass quite a wide collection. In fact, some pundits - like myself - would say that if you were to take a photograph of each skinny building in Japan and place them atop each other and lay them sideways, it would be wider than the individual width of many of these buildings.

Now I didn't take any photos of such skinny buildings while in Japan, and I'm not going to steal all of these photos from the web, suffice to say that the one up above came from the website listed below... as such, please visit the site HERE for an intriguing look at some very cool architecture that happens to be skinnier than any building I have ever seen here in North America.

I mean, seriously... look at the width of the hallway above. I have a 48-inch (1.22m) chest. If I tried to walk straight through, I would get stuck. Cripes, can you imagine if a body met a body coming through the rye? Number one, you'd better pray it's a good-looking member of the opposite sex (if that's your thing), because the two of you are going to be mashing groins - and not in a fun way.

I know that there is supposed to be a lack of land to build upon in some urban areas of Japan. And I know that the Japanese people as a whole aren't overly tall or big-boned. And I know there is the precedent of the capsule hotels, but to actually have a home this small is ridiculous.

I had a three-bedroom LDK (living room, dining room, kitchen), plus two balconies, a large laundry and bathroom area in my $320 (~Y26,500 Yen)-a-month apartment building in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. Of course this was between 1990-1993, so surely that whole city has run out of room to build affordable housing, what with all of the rice fields and 7-11's that populate the place. There were literally four 7-11's within a one kilometer radius of my apartment building. While I could not necessarily throw a rock and hit a rice field from my location, I could probably do it in four throws. Five maybe... as the old arm ain't what it used to be. Afterall, Ohtawara does translate into Big-Rice Field-Field—they have so  many fields that they had to mention it twice.

But why Japan? Why make such skinny apartments? Is it because people work so hard and for long hours that they are never at home? I mean, 7-1/2 feet wide (2.29m)? There are sexual positions in the Kama Sutra which could never be undertaken owing to a lack of space (not to mention flexibility).

Really... one good Godzilla swat from his rubbery tail, and a whole swathe of skinny buildings would collapse faster than the Icelandic or Irish economy! Hmm. Beware of economic disaster in countries starting with the letter I... which if you actually look at that letter, it's about as wide as some of these Japanese buildings.

Stop the elevator, this is my floor... uh, can you scoot over a little so I can get out? Oh god, I have groceries... I'll never make it to my apartment! Oh well... at least I'll have food to eat here in the hall until I can lose weight due to starvation... and then and only then perhaps I can shimmy to my apartment if I still have any energy or life left in me.

Cripes... all I know is that sometimes after I eat a few foods I shouldn't eat, I get bloated. I'd never make it down the hall to use the communal toilet. And then everyone is going to be sorry as I soil myself in the hallway.

Check out the photo above. In Japan, I was unable to get shoes that fit me, as my Size 10-1/2 US (30cm) were not commercially available... I believe they stopped at size 27cm in Japan—a 9US, I think.

Now look at the girl in the photo... do you think she has a size 9 - in Men's?! No way. Even if she had a large foot for a Japanese woman, let's estimate that she is wearing a Size 8, which is the equivalent of a Size 6 Men's shoe. I'm going to guesstimate that she has feet that are seven-inches long... with maybe three inches of space between her feet and the walls. That's 10-inches (25.4 cm) for my amateurish calculation of the width of the hall.

As a comparison, the width of my body appears to be 18-inches (facing you) and about 12 inches (30cm) thick at my chest. Forgetting about the fact that I have a well-muscled rump, I'd never actually be able to traverse the hallway to either get to my apartment or get to the washroom. I could never visit anyone there. Ever. Hmmm... maybe this is a plot to keep out the gaijin (foreigners), who are generally taller, thicker and even fatter than most Japanese folks. Nawwww. I don't believe the Japanese architects are that devious at all! Really... I don't.

Anyhow... enjoy the photos of the skinny buildings (in the Link near the top of this blog - 7th paragraph) and be thankful you aren't skinny enough or desperate enough to have to live in one.

I have bookcases wider than the interior of some of these places... and my king-sized bed? Dame dayo (Totally useless)! Really, though... what sort of furnishings do people use in a rabbit hutch like these thin joints? I have a hunch - but probably not as great as the folks living there.

Cheers
Andrew Joseph   
And no - Japan does not hate fat people.

I Can't Explain

Burger King has unleashed the Meat Monster Whopper on Japan. Forget about the double-entendre of 'meat monster' and trying to wrap your lips around it, this is one sick sandwich.

The Meat Monster Whopper ( I wish I had one) (I'm hungry) is a regular whopper but has an additional meat patty, a chicken patty, two slices of cheese and three strips of bacon.

The Meat Monster Whopper - I just love writing that out - is a hefty 1,160 calories and contains 69 grams of fat, 24 grams of saturated fat, 2,300 milligrams of salt and 1.5 grams of trans fat. And that doesn't include you adding fries and a diet soft drink (because you do have to watch your weight).

Geez... having it your way at Burger King could lead to you having a heart attack - your way.

There are no plans to bring this killer burger (killer as in tasty or as in heart attack - your choice) to Canada.

A few years ago, Health Canada railed at Burger King noting it had the highest trans-fat levels of any fast-food restaurant. So, in 2007, Burger declared itself to be a trans-fat free franchise in North America.

While it's good to be the king, Burger King will not break its promise of no-trans fats.

And while no one wants to rub salt in Burger King's wounded pride, the salt/sodium levels in the Monster Meat Whopper surpass the recommended adult daily sodium levels, has a whole day's worth of fat, and almost surpasses an adult woman's recommended daily caloric intake.

While it might be impressive to see a woman swallow a Meat Monster Whopper, I'm not sure I'd want to date her.  

Now... aside from Japan, the Meat Monster Whopper is not available anywhere else. Why is this something that Japan wants or needs?

Aside from the skinny dude who's a champion eater (Kobayashi Takeru - surname first) and the sumo wrestling population, the Japanese aren't know for gorging themselves stupid like we do in Western society... unless booze is involved, of course. 

So, why? Burger King doesn't really offer a good enough response for my liking. Burger King spokesperson Lauren Ross says that the Meat Monster Whopper and something called the All Heavy Whooper (also just a Japanese thing) are: "part of a campaign that shows customers how the 'Have It Your Way' brand promise can come to life." Apparently that means you can have more meat and toppings and get fat and die of a heart attack.

Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife does not know if all Japanese Burger King restaurants come equipped with a heart defibrillator, but rest assured I will find out and put your enlarged heart at ease.

Burger King briefly in 2009 offered the Whopper Seven in Japan: seven meat patties stacked 13 centimetres high. The seven-day promotion was tied in with the Microsoft Windows 7 introduction. God help us when Windows 8 comes out sometime in 2012.

Somewhere eating a Burger King spokesperson,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Who and is in their album Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy, for obvious reasons. BIGMAC.

PS: You know - part of the fun in writing these blogs is coming up with a matching rock song title. Sometimes, it just works perfectly. I can't explain why.

Japan Delays Baseball Opening Day

I have to admit, this one surprised me a bit - though I do understand why.

Japan's baseball leagues (the JBL) - the Pacific League and Central League - have delayed their opening days until April 12, 2011 due to the March 11 earthquake, tsunami and nuclear reactor problems - three strikes.

The Central League had originally agreed to a government request to delay its opener until March 29, but recently agreed to the April 12 start. The Pacific League had already set the April date as its opening day, as it has teams from the afflicted area. The Tohoku Rakuten Golden Eagles are now homeless, their ballpark in Sendai a shambles with flooding, collapsed ceilings and cracked walkways. As well, the Chiba Lotte’s QVC Marines Field was also hit hard.

Yusei Kikuchi, the Seibu Lions pitcher who grew up in neighbouring Iwate prefecture, told reporters: “Honestly, I cannot think about encouraging people by playing baseball now. The field I used to practice at, the beach I visited with my family, everything is gone now.”

Nippon Ham Fighters star pitcher Yu Darvish expressed similar dismay: “I am a baseball player and a human being as well. I cannot think about baseball alone as I normally do.”

Also, Japanese baseball officials have said it would try and alter the starting time of its night games to day games in an effort to preserve electricity - a tip of the cap to the efforts of the country to conserve power in wake of the current crisis at the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear reactors that were damaged during the disaster two weeks ago.  

Both leagues have stated that for now, there will be no extra innings for any night games that require them, meaning a lot more games may end up being tied.

Here in North America, where the season opens April 1, MLB (Major League Baseball) has likewise come to Japan’s assistance, with the New York Yankees donating $100,000, and the Oakland Athletics and San Diego Padres both pledging to raise funds at upcoming Japanese Heritage Days.

A few other professional sports are pitching in too. The unfortunately named San Jose Earthquakes, of Major League Soccer has donated $1 for every fan who attended their recent home opener (an unfortunate 10,525 people showed up - Toronto FC usually gets around 20,000 for a regular season game).

Now... in my opening statement I mentioned I was surprised - why? Well, baseball seems to have a unifying or even a rallying effect on people. I thought it might be a good way for people to stop dwelling (not forgetting!) on the disaster - to attempt to begin rebuilding some normalacy. But that's just my opinion. Especially after Sumo has had such big (no pun intended) problems with gambling allegations.

Somewhere arguing a called third strike,
Andrew Joseph

Only Women Bleed

Because I'm still bagged from being sick for lo these past 12 days, I'm going to offer up a pair of Seaman's Shorts - that's what Jeff called his column in The Tatami Times - an English JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme newsletter for AETs (Assistant English Teachers) and CIRs (Co-ordinator of International Relations.

Though undated (I forgot to add the friggin' date to the cover), it was from August 1991, with an awe-inspiring cover drawn by my friend Matthew Hall.

Jeff, originally from Yuba City, California was - after myself - the next to create a monthly column for the newsletter. That was when I created It's A Wonderful Rife - yes, some of what you are reading was written before... but I only did about 80 columns... check it out... I've done about 280 so far... so you are getting some original content.

Now this piece, as mentioned, was published before... so forget about all that crap I wrote about original content...  as well... me being an ego-maniac (and a damn great one at that), along with my Rife's, I also did a monthly Thoughtless column, as I liked how Jeff presented his.

Enough background, here's the foreground.

Jeez, I take a lousy month off and my 'format' is 'stolen'. Do I get any royalties, A.J.? (Ed. Note: I have no idea who he is talking about).

• My favourite definition: In a third-year junior high school class, the JTE (Japanese teacher of English) asked for the translation of "Miss". The student stood up and with a huge smile forming on his face, said in English: "Virgin."

• I'm leaving for California in August - not sure which is more apt: my Leaving for Home Countdown or I'm Getting the Hell out of Japan! Countdown?

• I hope you all caught the article about the girl who was banned from competing in the really important sumo matches - after kicking the butts of, I believe, six boys. (Ed. Note: No Jeff, what was the article about?). As you all know, of course, females are prone to that whole 'bleeding thing' - that's why they are impure - and we just can't have a female getting up on the dohyo (sumo ring), lifting one leg for the shiko o fumu (lifting of leg and stamping it down - it's part of the sumo warm up done prior to each match) and squirting blood all over the place. You know, they really should invent something to soak that stuff up.

• Upon complaining about the ungodly summer in Japan, a teacher said to me, "Don't whine; In the Olden Days poets used to write poems praising the Rainy Season."

So... with that in mind, I now humbly offer you an:

"Unmetrical Ode to Summer in Japan"
"To Japan I unfortunately did go,
To learn about this thing shitsudo (humidity).
Shitsudo how I love thee;
My pores they do flood me
When the humidity reaches 80 percento."

Thanks Jeff... you're starting to write like a poet even though you don't rhyme like you know it.

Somewhere wondering if women have got that bleeding thing fixed yet,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is sung by Alice Cooper: RUNNYMASCARA
PS: In Jeff's poem, the term 'percento' is the way the Japanese say the English word 'percent'.  
PPS: It's just a coincidence that Matthew drew the sumo cover upon which Jeff's piece first appeared.
PPPS: Here's a related link to an article in the news on Friday (yesterday!): KICKBUTT
 

Push It

On February 5, the Japan Sumo Association (JSA) announced it was canceling the March 2011 competition (March 13-27). This is the first time in 65 years a tournament has been canceled... and this time it's due to allegations of match-fixing.

Sumo, is of course, Japan's national sport - and is as much of Japan's lifesblood as rice. Let's just say that it is very important to the Japanese, and leave it at that. 

While the investigation into sumo-wrestling match fixing has been the subject of rampant speculation for the past several years, last week's acknowledgment that two wrestlers and a coach admitted to fixing fights... of course, this was after police found text messages on many confiscated cell phones that essentially implicated some 13 wrestlers in the fix.

Nothing like coming clean after everybody already knows the truth.

The match fixing and subsequent cancellation of the March tournament comes on the heels of illegal gambling and drug use amongst the wrestlers. 

"We have decided to cancel the spring tournament due to the bout-rigging scandal," said Nobuyuki Kubota, a spokesperson for the JSA.

The last cancellation of a sumo tournament happened in 1946. But it was due to a delay in fixing Japan's main sumo arena,  the Ryogoku Kokugikan, that was badly damaged during World War II.

Part of the allure of sumo - aside from the fact that several hundred pound fat guys in diapers are smacking the crap out of each other - is that it also represents purity. Sumo wrestlers, as part of sumo's religious ceremony, purify the ring several times prior to each match. As such, discovering that the purveyors of such purity are not pure themselves, has shaken Japan's belief system to the core.

Or so they would have you believe.

The average Japanese person loves sumo because it's an exciting sport. I do not believe for one instant that the average Japanese person is offended because they couldn't uphold some ancient tradition. They are pissed off because they won't get to see their favourite sport on tv (or in person), and upset that the real winners and losers of matches may not have been legitimate. That's what sucks.

Media, politicians , cultural anthropologists and sumo's elite guard would have the world believe that sumo wrestlers are some sort of divine keepers of the religion of some time longs since past, and are thus held up to some higher standard of public behaviour.

They are held up to a higher standard of public behaviour - but that's only because they are in the public eye. Societal decency dictates you don't go against the current society's morality. In this society, that means no murder, rape, theft, and probably no screwing around with sumo matches.

Despite the fact the average sumo wrestler is hardly the brainiest individual (they know sumo better than anything else, and that's both good and kind of sad), these charged wrestlers apparently had fixed numerous matches and earned themselves hundreds of thousands of yen, which equals to thousands of Canadian/Yankee dollars - hmm, I was going to make another point, but the key thing is, these big dumb oxes didn't exactly get rich now, did they??!!)

Apparently a JSA-sponsored probe into the sumo scandal indicates it is investigating 12 wrestlers and two coaches - which is different from the police report of 13 wrestlers and one coach. Who is correct?

Remember me mentioning how there was some illegal gambling and sumo... actually, back in 2010, several (how many does that mean... more than some, less than a few?) wrestlers were gambling (allegedly with the Yakuza , also known as the legitimate Japanese business men's association) on baseball games. Gambling is illegal in Japan, but I bet you everybody does it. Okay... these poor dumb cattle weren't even betting on sumo! It was baseball! Who cares? Were they fixing games? No. That is something no one has accused baseball of.  Hopefully that will remain 'clean'.

In 2009, there were rampant allegations of marijuana usage amongst the rank and file of sumo wrestlers. However, the JSA and Japan exhaled a long cloudy breath when three Russian fighters were expelled from sumo. Stupid gaijin (foreigners) . No one does drugs in Japan!

Despite sumo wrestler and Yakuza involvement in baseball gambling, no one has been able to prove a link exists between sumo and the Yakuza with regards to sumo match fixing... something that has been suspected for decades.

Whatever is going on, let's hope the JSA gets its act together and continues to provide the sumo fan with some good quality battles. At the end of the day, that's all we really want.

Somewhere throwing salt into an open wound,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by Salt-N-Pepa... multiple reasons for choosing it... sumo wrestlers try to push each other out of the ring, and the wrestlers are accused of wearing diapers - ooh, baby, baby. GETIT?  Plus I always liked this ong. Strange thing for a rock and roller to say, but it's true.


PS: I loved watching sumo on television. It was fascinating, slow-moving, yet exciting... kind of like watching hippos doing ballet. You know you shouldn't be enjoying it, but you just can't look away.

Hot Blooded

Hi there (Konichiwa!). I'd like to share with you part of a letter I wrote to my friend Rob in Toronto back on June 28, 1993. In it, I describe the hottest dance club going on in Japan at that time - Juliana's Disco.

I know, I know... I wrote the word disco (twice now!) which is sacrelige for a for a guy who loves his rock and roll. Still, one must evolve or get wiped out in the next mass extinction.

At this point in time I was going out with my Japanese hottie, Nobuko. In my letter to Rob I noted that Nobuko was studying for some civil service exams and was unable to see me that weekend, but for some reason, I was asked and accepted a dance date by some woman named Mika.

Who is Mika? What does she look like? Why was I out with her? I have no freaking idea. And, though I am loathe to admit it, she's not really pertinent to the blog entry.

Here goes:

(re: Nobuko) All of our difficulties and my 'fright' have been put aside. I'm comfortable. We seem to be a good match for each other. I just wish this language-thing wasn't such a drag. It will be difficult for her to find a job. Hell, me too. But, I'm afraid it will quickly demoralize her. Yes... she's coming to Canada. Perhaps even to stay. The wedding is next week. Can you come? Ha. It just seems that fast. And, in truth, I suppose it is.

I mentioned in my last missive that I was going to go down to the trendiest dance club in Japan with a girl named Mika. After I got back to my hotel room (separate), I called Nobuko. Guilt? Oh yeah. Even though nothing happened - just that I was out with another woman. I don't ever want to do that again - because, quite frankly, the guilt is killing me.

Juliana's Disco is a bizarre place. Located in Tokyo's Ariake district, once you forget that it costs you Y7500 ($75) to get in--women are charged Y5000 ($50), they give you a bunch of food and drink coupons to help you get over the sticker shock - and then you can begin to have a good time.

Well, let's see... all of the women are dressed in outfits that look like underwear. The good kind.

The dance floor is huge. In the back there's a DJ booth where the lone black man sits (except for the other one guarding the door). There two white guys, also... they open the door for you to enter the place. There are also some Japanese guys to park your car and some Japanese chicks standing around outside to catch your eye so you'll want to come in.

Back to the inside. There, opposite the DJ booth is a wall of televisions that are joined up to make one single image. There are 60 televisions - 10 across, by 6 high, and dammit it's like maybe 20 feet tall.

Ahhh, screw it.. take a look at my drawing (photo above). I don't feel like writing a description for everything. This is the first floor.

Beside the DJ booth are stairs leading up to the next level. It's really a catwalk so you can check out the action below.

See those rectangular boxes (tachida) near the dance floor. That's for the fan dancers. That's what I call them. These air-head Japanese girls get up on the risers holding a feathered fan in their hand wearing a very tight dress that is never more than four inches (10 cm) below the waist. They dance by never lifting their feet off the ground. Swaying their hips hypnotically from side to side (getting sleepy... sleepy).  In their right hand they hold the fan high above their head and wave it in the opposite direction for their butt swinging. By lifting their hand above their head, their already short dresses rise up a little more. It's inspiring, actually. Perspiring, too.

The single guys stand below them and stare up at the women, trying to see if they are wearing panties. They are. Hey! I had to look. I'm sure it was expected of me. Besides, I'm a curious journalist.

The single women at the club stare at the fan dancers and wish they could be up there, but they can't because they don't have the guts - or perhaps they lack a nice dress (looking around, that's not true). Whatever it is... they aren't being paid to dance - and the fan dancers are.

On the dance floor by 9PM, there is no more room to move - even with a big gaijin (foreigner) like me around, people are actually beginning to crowd me. I suggest to Mika that we leave. I mean, I'm tall enough to be able to get the air above the shorter crowd, but Mika - she's not. Uh-oh... here's comes the dry ice from a fog machine... now no one can breath.

It's okay... it was bloody hot in there. I had slugged back three beers and didn't get a buzz because I was too dehydrated for it to affect me.

Mika and I walked around, played a few coin-operated video games, ate some McDonald's and went back to our hotel rooms. I opened up a box of 30(?) baseball card packages I bought and read a comic book that had previously won a Pulitzer Prize - Maus. It's about the Holocaust. And then I phoned Nobuko.

We chatted for about 10 minutes. I got off the phone because she was studying for an exam the next day.

Early the next morning, I got up and went with Mika to a CD shop - buying the Best of Jethro Tull, one by Ministry, and a Romantics CD for my pal Colin. Later near the Electricland district, I bought a CD of classical Japanese music - no singing, thank kami (god)!) and one CD of music to do sumo wrestling by. There was also one for Yakuza (gangsters), but I was on a budget. Not.

We went to a foreign buyers supermarket where I picked up a couple of PEZ, a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and four bottles of world-wide beer.

Oh yeah... it was 30C and humid, unlike Saturday when it was 30C and humid and raining. Of course, I was carrying around a lot of unnecessary stuff like a raincoat and a Stetson hat. Okay... it's actually a Biltmore - and I looked good in it, but I chose not to wear it at the club last night.

I arrived back home in Ohtawara-shi totally exhausted. Nobuko came over about 30 minutes later. We tried to watch the Temple of Doom (Indian Jones 2), but our hormones were running amok.

Somewhere sweaty,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is sung by Foreigner: HOT BLOODED and was recorded in Japan (!) back in 1985.

Mr. Cab Driver

Since I'm going to assume I will eventually be forgiven by the Japanese for poking fun at their culture via this blog, it means that, even now, I can insult it all I like.

I do like Japan. I like it a lot. It's just that sometimes I can't help poking fun at it every now and again, because well... it's such an easy target. 

To be fair, all other nations are perfectly okay to poke fun at Canadian culture... that is, if we actually had some of our own. Owtch. Not really true, of course, but Canada is built upon the backs of people who came here from somewhere else. Except for the native Indians and Inuit (what Americans et al call Eskimos - we don't... except for that one stupid football team in the CFL, the Edmonton Eskimos). 

With an introduction like that, it must be pretty obvious what my topic is today. I'm sure you can tell by the headline/title. No? Sorry. I'm sticking to the rock and roll thing. Anyhow, it's about television, obviously.

There are theories (and facts) postulating that the television signals we bounce off up into space will one day be intercepted by alien races, and that television will tell them all they need to know about our Earth culture. I know... scary when you think about stuff like that now, isn't it?

While I am sure that the social repercussions of American television programs like The Arsenio Hall Show and My Mother The Car, and Canadian shows like The Trouble With Tracy have not yet been fully felt by people here, but what about Japan's contributions to a close encounter of the 1st kind (detection. 2nd kind is sight, and 3rd is physical contact)?

A quick perusal of Japanese television will probably leave many an alien scratching their heads (I'm assuming they will have more than one head). There are many samurai dramas (the Japanese equivalent of the long extinct American western), inane quiz shows featuring the same 13 TV tarento (talents) on different programs wearing their silly-looking hats and costumes while hitting each other on the head...       

Have you ever seen one of these shows? Okay... I can't understand Japanese as well as the next guy (who in this case is Japanese), but it seems that the only people who win these quiz shows are the television talents! What about Joe Suzuki?

There are also a heck of a lot of fishing and cooking shows on standard Japanese television... and not to point fingers, because Canada and the U.S. also has a lot of     cooking and fishing shows... but now in 1990, they are only on Saturday mornings after the cartoons - and not on during the so-called prime-time. Who would want to watch television shows about cooking and fishing all day long? (In 2010, I see the irony here‚ as I will watch the 24-hour food network, and while I won't watch a fishing program, I have occasionally stopped by the 24-hour aquarium network to watch some fish swim around (it's for people who want an aquarium but don't really want an aquarium).

So here in the 9th paragraph, I finally have to come up with a topic for this stupid blog.

How about: 'television shows that revolve around food.'

After scanning the TV listings, I noticed a four-day average of 12 cooking programs. Now keep in mind that Japan's standard television only offers about 12 channels in total. These numbers do NOT include the fishing shows where they eat their catch and tell the camera how delicious it is.

Most of the food shows on in Japan are pretty normal, and offer advice on how to cook. I have no problem with this. My beef (no pun intended, because no one in Japan can afford beef) is with tv shows like: The Second Taxi Drivers Food Challenge. 

The concept behind this long television title is: cab drivers challenge each other to try and determine the species of fish while they are blindfolded. Uh... the cab drivers are blindfolded, not the fish... though I would imagine fish bondage might actually have been more interesting.

After the cab drivers stunning demonstration of knowledge of fish through sense of smell and touch (aka inhaling it and then fondling it), the cab drivers show off their superior culinary skills at making sushi - with different seafood critters.

Now, I know that fish species determination and sushi skills are what I look for in a cab driver whenever I'm drunk and need a ride somewhere - in fact, I'm going to suggest you ask for a salmon roll the next time you are in a Japanese cab. It can't be a one off thing - the show's producers obviously know something I don't, because this is the SECOND food challenge! 

Hey... this just hit me... maybe you could also ask a cad driver if they know of any good local restaurants they could suggest!

Another interesting program I like to watch seems to be an on-going one... involving sumo wrestlers. Who doesn't love sumo wrestlers?

In one episode, I watched them eat Chinese food. And, while they always seem to throw a lot of salt on their plate (HERE), they are full of insight on the cuisine. 

When asked for their opinion of a dish, they nod their head in appreciation and say, "Oishii desu (It's delicious). Slurp-slurp-gnaw-chew-slurp."

The sumo response is still infinitely better than that given by the annoying Japanese television talent. For them, it's always "Oishiiiiii!!!!!!" Just once I'd love to see someone eat the food, regurgitate the stuff and say it tastes like crap. 

Why do Japanese people and Canadian writers like to watch television programs about other people eating food? I wish I knew.

Somewhere watching what I eat,

Andrew Joseph

Today's title is sung by Lenny Kravitz: FARE

Eye Of The Tiger

The tale you are about to read is true, though some scenes have been changed to make it more interesting.

This... is the City. The City of Ohtawara. Me? My name is Joe Seph. I'm a gaijin.

Our tale - which is supposed to sound like the introduction to the radio/tv show Dragnet - begins on a warm sunny day, wholly unlike the day this tale was originally written, as it's August and very, very humid and cloudy.

While it is true that I only recently wrote about sumo wrestling, the following tale did take place that same day - what? You didn't think sumo wrestlers would come to my home town and I wouldn't have an adventure, did you? Truth be told, when I wanted to write about sumo, I had forgotten I had written this story. Probably too giddy from planning my new blog: You Know What I Hate? which was, of course a spur of the moment thing.

Unabashed self-promoting plug over, let me tell you about the day when Ohtawara got heavy. A day when my favourite sumo wrestler o-sumo-san Sekiwake (Sumo's third-highest rank) Musashimaru came to town with his heya (stable) to perform a sumo demonstration.

Arriving at 11AM, he was a sight to behold, standing1.92 meters (6'-3.5") tall and 235 kilograms (520 lbs). In typical Musashimaru fashion, he scowled and bit his bottom lip for the phalanx of photographers. He had his long black hair up in a chonmage (top knot), and was wearing a yukata (Spring robe) over his sumo gear.

After his low-level stable mates made lunch (chanko - a stew that all sumo-saurs eat every day to help keep their girlish figure ('Girlish', as I'm sure you all know, is Slovakian for 'bigger than a breadbox but smaller than a zoo'), Musashimaru put on a sumo demonstration by tossing around sumo-in-training sho-gakusai (primary school kids) on to their heads.

After 10 or 15 seconds of this, the sweaty, breath-sucking Sekiwake (at that time), decided that instead of throwing the kids around, he would traumatize them for life by unfastening their sumo diapers for all the world (IE Ohtawara and this blog) to see. Ugh. Can you imagine if he did this to another professional sumo wrestler? I may never watch the sport again. Or have eyes that work, as I'd probably be forced to stab my own orbs out.

After the demonstration on how to de-pants your opponent for fun and cash, Mushashimaru disappeared into the local hotel - there's only one in Ohtawara as of 1990. I followed a few minutes later - not because I was a sumo fanboy, but rather because all of the free beer and food that all foreigners are privy to when you live in a rural area had reached my kidneys.

I really had to go. Really, really, really. I figured a hotel would be a great place to find a restroom, and did the pee-pee dance over.

Because I'm an idiot and no amount of time spent in Japan would have allowed me to speak the language like a native, I gesticulated and danced in front of the clerk at the front desk. I was pointed to a large vending machine that sold disposable cameras. I did promise myself that if I made it to the restroom in time I would begin studying the language.

Not wanting to confuse anyone else with my stupid game of charades, I set off in a limp (I really, really, really, really had to go!) and finally found a washroom 15 minutes later when I broke into a hotel suite. They really should get stronger locks. Did you know that in this hotel's Royal Deluxe rooms one still has to sleep on a futon?).

I was quickly thrown out of the room by the cleaning staff who were working inside - landing on my muscular butt right in front of a men's room.

Seizing the opportunity, I ran and tried to push the door open, but it was obvious to me that it was being held closed from within. I don't know what came over me, but with a girlish push I forced my way in.

I then saw why I had had difficulty entering - one of Musashimaru's sumo handlers was blocking the door while three others were helping him remove his sumo gear so he could go to the washroom!

There was my hero - butt naked in front of me. My therapist says I'll be find after a few more visits.

Anyhow, Musahshimaru and I chatted with each other separated by the wall of a stall - chatted about women, beer, sumo and women again (he thought Ashley and I should break up), and when I finished that pee (and other), we said Aloha to each other because I thought he was Hawaiian, not realizing he's Samoan.
 
So... you think that one brush with greatness would have been it for me, right? Well, one week later, Japan's royal Prince and his bride (see HERE) came up to a nearby town. Although I didn't get to see either of them naked, it is a decent enough segue into the next story - I sat on Japan Emperor Hirohito's throne!

This is not a misprint. This is not a dream, a hoax or an imaginary story. About some years and nine months prior to whenever you are reading this, I went fishing with my friend Michael Hutchison at Nikko's Chuzenji-ko (that's a lake). After getting many bites from mosquitoes, Michael offered to show me where he works - a fish farm where they are doing research on salmon and trout.

While there, I had to go to the bathroom, so he showed me to a little wooden outhouse - apparently when the Emperor used to go fishing in the area, this is where he would visit when he had to use the toilet. I sat down on his throne, read the royal graffiti--everything said 'Hirohito wuz here', and realized that no matter how successful I might become in life, I was always going to be number two to an Emperor.

Somewhere wondering what the Emperor did about splinters in his tushie,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is a rocky little number by Survivor - BODY BLOW though I prefer this outtake by Jensen Ackles from one of my favourite tv shows SUPERNATURAL.
PS - I had at least 10 more toilet jokes I wanted to use, but I decided not to use them. I just wanted you to know how lucky you are.
PPS - in the photo at the top, a lower level sumo wrestler helps re-tie Mushashimaru's (right) sumo gear aka mawashi at the Ohtawara sumo event.

Hash Pipe

So... what do you think of when you when you think about Japan? Rice? Lots of countries have rice. Geisha? Not as common in Japan as you might think - at least not by 1990. I never saw a real geisha until almost a year later! Kimonos? Sure, I suppose, but it was worn for special events only. Mount Fuji? Honestly, I never saw it in three years there thanks to conveniently placed weather patterns (rain, snow, fog, cloud). I'm still not convinced it actually exists.

What do you like sumo? O-sumo (add the word "o" to make a Japanese subject more honourific) wrestling to me, epitomizes Japanese culture. It's male dominated, to be sure, but watching a bunch of fat guys in diapers go through a five minute salt-throwing ceremony before exploding into a three-second battle - now that's Japan.

I never got to see an official tournament in person, though my buddy Matthew was lucky enough to take in one day of the 15-day tournaments in Tokyo. Matthew was nice enough to present me with a lot of omiyage (souvenir presents) that I treasure. 

One such sumo souvenir is the photo above depicting the wrestling program for the Autumn 1993 sumo Basho (tournament). 

Your eyes don't deceive you - despite being immensely difficult to read because I can't read Japanese, it's also has notoriously small lettering - especially as you drift down the sheet. 

At the top it lists the top division of sumo wrestlers, then the next division, the third and finally the fourth division with sumo wrestling names written out in the size of a grain of rice. See? Totally Japanese.

And, if you look close at the photo to the side, I have actually placed a grain of cooked white rice on the sheet at  the bottom so you can see how insanely small the writing is on the sumo sheet.  

Perhaps because I was a foreigner in a foreign land, I instantly gravitated towards cheering for the foreign sumo wrestlers who were in the upper echelon of the sumo ranks. Guys like the famous Konishiki, whom I had heard of back in Toronto. He is a Hawaiian (of Japanese-Samoan descent) and was known as being the heaviest sumo wrestler ever peaking at a whopping 287 kilograms (630 lbs). You can read about him here - BIGU.

He reached the level of Ozeki, the second highest rank of sumo wrestler and was the first foreigner to run his own sumo stable - yes, they call a sumo training school a stable (in Japanese it's called a heya). 

Akebono, another Hawaiian, was the tallest modern-day sumo wrestler at 2.03 meters (6'-8") and weighed in at 225 kilograms (500 lbs). In January of 1993, he became the first ever foreign-born wrestler to reach sumo's highest rank -Yokozuna. You can read more about the big guy TALL .

And, my personal favourite, Musashimaru, who looked to me the best square shape a sumo should have. He is a Samoan, and was the second foreign-born wrestler to achieve the rank of Yokozuna. The first time I saw him in the high classes of sumo, I thought to myself, this guy is going to become a Yokozuna, and he did on May 1999 - unfortunately, I never got to see him do that. My main man stood 1.92 meters (6'-3.5") tall and was 235 kilograms (520 lbs). More information about him is SQUARE .

When I first started watching sumo, the best and most popular wrestler was the Japanese Yokozuna Chiyonofuji, who won 31 tournament championships until retiring in 1991. The ceremonial cutting of his top-knot (chonmage - see HAIR ) did not leave a dry eye in the house. More on Chiyonofuji can be found CRY .

For your viewing pleasure click on OHTAWARA for a peek at Musashimaru and his heya visiting Ohtawara in 1993 for a promotional event. These are some pix I took that day - having discovered the event by accident while riding around town lost. At  the event, Japanese wrestling great Antonio Inoki is also present - he was the "other" type of wrestler and was once the WWF (now WWE) heavyweight wrestling champ - you can read about him here PIN .  

What is sumo? It's a wrestling event done within a clay circle whereby the goal is to knock your opponent out of the circle or cause him to touch any part of his body (excluding the soles of his feet) to the ground.

The sport is centuries old, and still utilizes a salt purification ceremony whereby each wrestler tosses salt up into the air - it's from the days when sumo was used in the Shinto religion. A lot of the ceremony is also to show your opponent that you are not armed with a weapon (and is done via leg lifts and palm-up movements.   

To create the amazing sumo wrestling girth, these guys do the opposite of what you and I might do to lose weight (I'm not that successful at it, mind you). 

They skip breakfast and eat copious quantities later in the day, and when they aren't training, they rest a lot. They eat before going to bed. Their singular meal of choice is called chanko, which is pretty much a stew made from every type of meat and vegetable and noodle you can get your hands on. Everyday, several times a day. They also also guzzle beer. Liters of it everyday. I'm guessing it wasn't a light beer.

As for exercising, I asked Musashimaru at the Ohtawara event about one of his least favourite training techniques. He told he it was one that made the hand hard for slapping purposes. Now before you think that that's kind of a sissy way of wrestling, let me tell you how they toughen up the hands.

For an hour or more at a time, they push the hands away from their body to slap a concrete post directly in front of them, one hand at a time. Whack. Whack. Whack. Sixty plus minutes at a time. Think calluses from the guitar are a pain? Try smacking a concrete pole everyday. Try it for a minute and see if you can do that. Go on. I'll wait.

As for slapping as a sumo technique... imagine you are standing six feet away from your opponent and you rush him hoping to get a good grip on his costume (called a mawashi - see HERE) to push him out of the ring... Now imagine that as you near him a hand built from smacking concrete comes up to slap you in the face. I've watched 300 lb men go down in a lump of quivery goo from the concussive force. 

I felt humbled that Musashimaru did not crush my hand into a pulpy mango when he shook my hand.

There are hundreds of books written on the subject of sumo (I have a couple), but let me just say this... should you ever go to Japan, be like Matthew and see a sumo wrestling event live in person. Now that would be - in 1960s vernacular, really heavy, man. 

Somewhere someone tossed salt in my eyes, 

Andrew Joseph

Today's title is by Weezer whose video employed sumo wrestlers - SEE 

PS - Should you be so inclined, I have found a few sumo matches you can watch. Keep in mind most of these guys are in the 300 lb range and are around 6-feet tall. The grace and agility of these guys (though Konishiki did not possess any agility) is truly amazing. 

Check it OUT, and see HERE - which shows some of the pomp and ceremony, HERE is a good slap knockdown, and HERE is a good one that explains sumo. 

PPS - Sumo is currently a hot topic in the news in Japan not for its skill, but rather for more dubious reasons - the Japanese mob, aka the Yakuza. Read here NOW OR ELSE .

PPPS - Tomorrow, I'll tell you about my own meeting with the Yakuza who made me an offer I could not refuse.

Drinking And Driving

Originally entitled: Not About Cherry Vanettes.

For those of you who have not been lucky enough to travel to Japan (Go! You'll love it!), you may be unaware that the month of April is generally considered the time of 'hanami' - which literally translates into 'flower-eye'... but it's not meant to be taken literally.

Hanami means 'flower viewing' (that's the problem with direct translations!), but to the Japanese it means 'cherry blossom viewing'.

Like anything the Japanese put their collective mind to, hanami is quite the festive event - anything for an enkai (party), I suppose... and who can blame them -  working ridiculously long hours for little pay (as an AET on the JET Programme, my salary was paid by the Ohtawara Board of Eductaion, and I made much more than the local Japanese teachers did with 20 years experience. I'm not apologizing for MY salary, I'm just pointing out how woefully underpaid the teachers were/are).

Since it is an enkai, offices take an evening off to gather the troops and spend some time in a park to look at the pink cheery blossoms.

Since parkland is at a premium in Japan (I think the plan is to one day pave it over), there is much jockeying going on to see whose party gets to sit under the most beautiful cherry tree. Some companies in Tokyo (or so I was told) make an employee go out early in the morning to stake out the best viewable tree before anyone else can lay claim to it. It is of so much importance that each company gets its own tree, that I have even had offers from people who want to sit under my cherry bonsai tree. But, because it's only about 11-inches tall, it will only take three or four Japanese.

Generally, the festivities begin at night. The cherry trees are covered in waves of gorgeous pink blossoms, that (over the next few months) I have never seen bear fruit. Companies decorate the trees with classical rice paper lanterns adding to the feeling of comraderie, that pours out as easily as beer from a bottle of Asahi Super Dry. Party members sit cross-legged on a blanket spread at the tree's base, and then everyone proceeds to get absolutely blotto with booze and wonder why the flowers look so blurry at this time of year (see image of my Hiroshige woodblock rint - Hanami is occurring).

April (not March) is also notorious in Japan for its blustery winds. These gale force zephyrs love to tear the tiny pink flowers away from their branches and puke them up all over the place were grass would be if there was any grass. Perhaps this is why people get so tanked (Yoparai desu - I'm drunk) at the hanami--it's so they can feel-up the office girls and pretend the blossoms are still on the trees!

"Oh wow! I see a lot of pink!"
"No, that's just Matsuda-san smurfing his beer all over the Suzuki party."
"But we work for Honda."
"Yes."
"Oh. Sugoi (nice)."

The winds are so strong that it has often bowled over some of the mini-cars (more often than not, these tiny cars have been marketed solely to women, and come in wonderful non-white colours - See HERE) if they have not been properly weighted down. Nowadays, at all Kanseki stores, they sell "The Konishiki", a life-sized replica of one of Japan's most famous non-Japanese sumo wrestlers (FAT BUGGER).     
Mini-car drivers that fail to use "The Konishiki" or a similar 640-lb weight can lead to their vehicle being blown off into a rice field.

For me, I find it all quite amusing - as I once rode past an upturned vehicle. You should have hear the pathetic cries from within, "Bakayaro! (stupid idiot!), as the driver fruitlessly gunned the rotary hamster engine causing the wheels to spin comically in the air. Then, after I picked up the car and righted it, there was a chorus of "Hora! Gaijin-da!" (Look! A foreigner!). of course, they end up back on their back with the next gust of wind.

I've heard that every year several mini-car owners driving their wife's car have committed ritualistic suicide (hara-kiri) because they feared they would now be late for the kanpai (cheers!) under the cherry (sakura) tree and would have to explain to their boss that they were late because their car blew over and had to wait until a gaijin rode by on a bicycle to offer help because no other Japanese person wanted to get involved.

Somewhere tipping cars and drinks,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by the punk group Black Flag: OWTCH

Comfortably Numb

I've been asked a few times by the locals: "How do you live comfortably in Japanese Society?" It's a strange question... how does on live comfortably or otherwise in any society without simply being yourself? I suppose it's merely a knack some peoplpe have of being able to exist with community standards.
In Japan, we (the foreigner) are often subjected to pointing and rude staring and basic name calling - the dreaded 'gaijin' word. As mentioned many a time previously, gaijin quite literally translates into 'outsider'. To me, being called a gaijin is all in the way the word is said. I've only ever heard the word said to me in a manner that denoted surprise - "Holy crap! A foreigner!" (Hora! Gaijin-da!) It's a common word that the Japanese use, and I think when they use it they aren't necessarily trying to be rude.
Regardless, many of the foreigners in Japan quite simply can't handle being called a gaijin, and opt out of the country the first chance they get. We saw about four people of our 53 Tochigi-ken AETs (Assistant English Teachers) on the JET programme leave after only a couple of months here. 
Others try to understand the reasons for the reactions they garner while walking down the street.
I, myself, have always been a gaijin in every country I've ever lived in. I was born in England, raised in Canada by Indian parents - it's something that perhaps has helped blunt myself to actions others feel is racial ignorance. In Canada, I am a minority. In Japan, I am a foreigner. Which is worse? Well... I'm supposed to be a Canadian, NOT a minority.
When I first arrived here in the somewhat rural city of Ohtawara in Tochigi-ken, I was (past tense??!!) something of a freak. An attraction. A foreigner. I used to get several 'gaijin' shouts a day as I walked downtown or past the local farms. However, perhaps it's because of my high visibility at the local bars (heb-bi du-rin-ka), restaurants, department stores and, of course, schools, people became used to me.
I was no longer a 'gaijin' - I was, and am, merely An-do-ryu sensei (Andrew teacher), a humourous guy from Canada... though that may not be overly obvious from this particular blog.
I read about the 'living comfortably' question in a Japanese English-language daily newspaper (the Daily Yomiuri) and really gave it some thought.
Until that moment, I wasn't really aware at just how comfortable I was in Japanese society. Let's see: I enjoy eating at the fastfood restaurant Mosburger; I really like to watch the comedian Shimura Ken on television even though I don't understand all of what goes on; I like to have a good time with my friends and co-workers and students; I religiously watch sumo wrestling tournaments and baseball; I have an aquarium with goldfish; I have a bonsai tree; I eat Japanese food - I just need to have a full-time Japanese girlfriend, and the way things are goiung with my current American girlfriend, that too shall come to pass.
Some of the locals have assured me that I act like a typical Japanese person.
Interestingly enough, I think I've been acting like a Canadian.
I guess it's difficult to act different for everyone else, when you find that everyone else is basically the same as you. People are people everywhere you go.

Somewhere tearing down walls,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Pink Floyd from their awesome album, The Wall. Even if you aren't interested in Rock and Roll, do yourself a favour and at least read the lyrics. Whew.

Andrew’s Restaurant

I probably have it buried in a box somewhere, but after recently moving in 2009, it’s going to take a Herculean effort to shift enough crap out of the way to even begin looking for it!
Noren. I mentioned it in a previous blog—Freeze Frame—look to the left of Matthew in his photo to see my o-zumo (sumo wrestling) noren that I hung in my hallway. I had thought that a noren was purposely hung low within a doorway to ensure people ducked their head when entering to ensure a bow was made (failure to bow would get one a face full of fabric)—but that was a load of hooey.
Apparently the positioning of a noren at the entrance to a restaurant has a much more practical use.
So… what is a noren? Click HERE for a visual sample.
A noren is a split curtain hung in front of a shop at the doorway, and nowadays is more often seen fronting restaurants. It was used to keep out the sun and dust, but with the advent of better doors and windows, it is now either used as a decoration, or for advertising purposes.
Stores often have its name written upon it, and often serves as the shop's signage, in lieu of a large graphic billboard or light box seen more commonly in other countries. A Canadian version for a now-closed iconic record store utilizing a lightbox (the sign is a Toronto landmark) is presented HERE for your amusement.
Japanese noren—I’m assuming other Asian countries also have a version of them—are now also used as decorations in homes. I didn’t know that when I dared to place it in my apartment—I thought I might be over-stepping the cultural grounds of taste—and while I wouldn’t have cared too much about what people thought of my Canadian embassy, it’s nice to know now that I didn’t cause an international incident. At least with my noren.
My particular noren has an image of a sumo wrestler, of which quite a bit more will be written about in another blog soon. Thanks to Matthew, I actually have some neat sumo souvenirs! Click on THIS word to see what my noren looks like.
The noren’s sumo image is taken from an ukiyo-e (Japanese wood block print – I have about 10+ of these made in the 1850s), and is of a Yokozuna-class sumo wrestler entering the ring. Thank you Matthew and Takako Hall for your help with identifying that much, at least.
Anyhow, all of this baloney about noren has made me hungry. I guess it’s curtains for the diet I was going to start earlier today.

Somewhere going through boxes,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is a parody of the Arlo Guthrie tune Alice's Restaurant.