Donald Duck in Japan

When you look at the photo here to the left you might be thinking your old pal Andrew made a mistake with the photo he was posting. It wouldn't be the first time.

But no... those two Walt Disney's Donald Duck Adventures digests are what I wanted to discuss.

Released in 2004 by Gemstone Publishing, each contains a story with Japan as the backdrop. I can tell you being a long-time Donald Duck fan and long-time Japan fan, this has not occurred very often - though there is one other comic book that I can think off that maybe a living of dealing with a Japanese character - I'll discuss that one with you in the not too distant future. I want to make sure I do it justice.

In issue number 6, the story is actually a Mickey Mouse tale entitled: 'The Terrible Tsunami'. In it, Mickey Mouse is helping his friend Doc Static at scientific conference in Japan. A Chinese professor Dhim Sum has created 'molecules with a mind' - a chemical treatment that gives water a small degree of artificial intelligence.

Unfortunately, Dhim Sun's lazy Japanese helper Enji spills toxic water into the water after sneezing to the tank of water, and is then able to control the robotic water turning it into a weapon of mass destruction - a terrible tsunami - against what I assume is Tokyo because of the proximity of Mt. Fuji in the background art.

Enji, hating Mickey Mouse, uses his mind to control the water, forcing it to take on the appearance of Mickey's face (a water demon) as he creates a huge tsunami that will make the people of Japan hopefully hate Mickey Mouse.

The tsunami actually hits Tokyo and floods the hell out of it, burying it under what looks like 20 feet of water.

Mickey, through the help of Doc Static's Rivet the Robot that is controlled by a remote-control helmet (and now with a robotic face looking like Mickey Mouse so the people of Japan won't hate him, too), defeats Enji and the tsunami thereby saving the people of Japan.    

It's a mickey mouse story, in more ways than one, but at least it has some major Japanese references. It was written by Michael T. Gilbert (who had previously created Mr. Monster, one if my all-time favourite comic books), so I did expect something more than just plain hokum. Art for the story was provided by Joaquin Canizares Sanchez, who did a decent enough job.

Still... considering what happened on March 11, 2011 with the massive earthquake-spawned tsunami that devastated the northeast coast of Japan, it would have been nice to have a Mickey Mouse hero to save the day.    

A much better story is the lead adventure in issue # 8. Entitled 'Kappa! Kappa! Kappa!', this story involves Donald Duck and his nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie. Key Japanese characters involved are the so-called mythical creatures known as Kappa (河童 a water sprite or river child), Tengu (天狗 - a type of heavenly dog that was originally thought to take the form of a bird of prey like in the Donald Duck tale), and the Hitodama (人魂 - spirit lights or the souls of the newly dead). There is also a Miko (巫女 - a shrine maiden) and a Ronin (浪人 - a masterless samurai), though in this story, it's more about the ronin's ancient suit of armour.



Sounds a whole lot more interesting than the Mickey Mouse story already, doesn't it? And it is. 




Donald dreaming of being like a knight and the days of chivalry is fishing when he accidentally catches Kiku the Kappa water sprite who is very much lost.



Kiku tells the lads about his story of how 500 years ago Tengu and Kappa lived in harmony on a shared mountain in Japan - the Kappa in the waters and the Tengu in the trees and forest. But when humans come, they cut down the trees, which makes the Tengu angry and attack the humans.



Trying to broker a peace, the Kappa refuse to take sides and want all to live in peace... but that isn't happening.




The people think to hire themselves a ronin  to fight the 'invading' Tengu. While the Tengu arrive en masse to fight the ronin, in typical Japanese battle, the Tengu chief offers to fight the ronin one-on-one. 




When the ronin defeats the Tengu Chief, he asks that the Tengu live in peace with the Kappa and humans... but he is refused. This causes the ronin to get mad and he drives all of the Tengu into a cave on in the mountain and then seals it up, trapping the Tengu. 



The people build a temple on the site of the cave entrance and charge a Miko (temple priestess) to watch over the gateway to make sure the Tengu never escape.



With the Tengu locked away, the Kappa work with the humans to irrigate their fields.




But 500 years later, an earthquake shook the mountain and opened up another doorway, allowing the Tengu to escape. They go crazy and attack the farmers, burning their crops and homes, causing the humans to flee. The only one who stays is the Miko. The Tengu also take revenge on the Kappa for their role in helping the humans by muddying the river hoping they will fight or flee - either would be fine by the Tengu.




The peaceful Kappa instead decide to look for the legendary ronin to come back and save the day again. Kiku was the Kappa chosen, and you can guess the rest. Donald saves the day with the aid of a hitodama (spirit light) and the ronin's armour.



It's a truly fantastic little tale, that perfectly blends Donald Duck's (in the comic books) classic temper, fear and sense of honour and duty with a well-crafted and thought-out tale of Japanese mythos in epic proportions.



The story was written by Pat & Carol McGreal who have done a lot of excellent Duck work with some very decent adventures. The art is capably done by Flemming Andersen. The only knock against the story - is that it wasn't written or drawn by the late-great Carl Barks. In fact, it's not a knock... it's more of a surprise. The well-crafted story is that good!




I would tell you to look to e-bay and try and pick one up, but a search by my self this evening did not show either of these two books up for auction. Instead, you could always go to your local comic book shop and ask them to try and find a copy for you.




I originally paid $7.95 US (but in 2004, it probably cost me $10 Cdn)... for a similar issue, e-bay had issue #4 for sale for $4.88 US... not including shipping. Regardless... the Donald Duck Adventures (the digest) ran for 21 issues. I unfortunately ended at 12 owing to the damn exchange rate making $10 comic unpalatable... plus it was difficult to find the damn things. There was also a Gemstone digest version of Mickey Mouse Adventures that ran for 12 issues, but I only purchased the first six, as I happen to be more of a Duck fan than the rodent. 




Next week, I'll tell you about another anthropomorphic critter and his life in Japan. Hint... he's a rabbit, but not the one you are thinking of.




Somewhere wanting writing a few Donald Duck comic book stories,

Andrew (I write comic books, too ) Joseph

PS: I just need someone to pay me for writing them! I've been creating my own comic books since 2000, and have done self-published about 25 stories... and I've gotten better with each tale. 

For more on my comic books (usually drawn by fantastic artist Steve Guzelis), check out our website at: STRANGEFUNCOMICS. You'll be glad you did. 

Mai oh My - Manga

Okay...here's something a little bit different for today.

Most of you know all about my passion for comic books. I have over 30,000 of them, from super-heroes, anthropomorphic ducks and mice, teenagers and other jugheads, love, mystery, and the ones I put out once a year.

As you know, the Japanese are well-know for their comic book work, called manga. Personally, I don't like manga... they tend to make the eyes far too large... too Western-looking. It's almost like every Japanese comic book character has to look Westernized because it seems as though the Japanese are ashamed of their own eyes.

I said "seems".

I'm sure it has something to do with creating a cute character. But, when more serious manga were created, they simply continued the tradition.... much like how cartoon characters (aka anime) all have four fingers (that's including the thumb) on each hand, or how they have the middle name "J" or "the". Heck... look at the Simpsons... four fingers per, and Homer's middle name is "Jay".

In manga, however, not all comic book series are created equal. There are some that stand out for me... perhaps it is because they shunned the whole large-eyed look. One is the classic Lone Wolf & Cub (which you can read about HERE). And the other for me is: Mai The Psychic Girl. Okay... the title sounded kind of stupid when I first saw the book, an American version first released by Eclipse International back in 1988, but the artwork was stunning. For someone who had grown up with the block figures and square-jawed heroes of the 1960s and 70s, it was a breath of fresh air.

Oh sure... I was spoiled by many great comic book artists while growing up like Carl Barks (the good Duck artist), Neal Adams (Green Lantern and Batman books are the measuring stick for the character some 35 + 40 years later), John Tottleben & Stephen Bissette (Swamp Thing... see below for a lovely drawing I had done for myself by Tottleben), Wally Wood (EC stories in the 1950s), Hal Foster (Prince Valiant in the 1930s), Jim Starlin (Captain Marvel and Warlock), Bill Sienkiewicz (Moon Knight), John Byrne (X-Men), Barry Windsor-Smith (Conan), Dave Sim (Cerebus the Aardvark) and so, so, so many more, but it always seemed so far and few between.

Despite being a writer, when I picked up a comic book, I needed to be grabbed visually immediately. Those people above and many more did it for me. But manga... I always hated Japanimation (anime), as it looked too cutey, so I guess I was always predisposed to also dislike manga.

But I'm always up for trying new things.

Three years before the idea of going to Japan ever entered my lead... thank you Stefanie Lovie!... I found Lone Wolf & Cub, and Mai The Psychic Girl.

Mai (舞) is written by Kudō Kazuya and drawn by Ikegami Ryoichi (surnames first!). Originally printed in 1985-86 in the Weekly Shonen Sunday comic (it's half the size of a phone book! And weekly! And full of 10+ other comics series! And it's NOT published on Sunday - it's Wednesday!), it's published by  Shogakukan Productions Co., Ltd..

Kuju Mai (surname first) is a 14-year-old Japanese girl with very strong psychic skills, and is being chased after by an organization called the Wisdom Alliance, who not surprisingly think they are best suited to rule the world.

Sounds hokey, right? But it works. Comic books are fantasy... you are meant to suspend your so-called sciences and realities. It is escapism.

The Wisdom Alliance has four other psychic kids and wants Mai badly enough that it hires the Kaieda Intelligence Agency.... and the chase goes on.

Now Mai must leave her normal junior high school life behind and go on therun, using her psychic powers that doesn't have full control of, in order to stay out of the clutches of the Wisdom Alliance.
While very popular in Japan, there were other books perhaps better known there... so why bring it to the West as one of the first examples of mange available to the mainstream comic book buying public?

For the reasons I mentioned above. It was chosen because it was neither too Japanese or too American. Foreign enough but still considered familiar, and familiar enough to not be considered foreign.  

Mai The Psychic Girl was one of the chief reasons why manga helped win the West. Perhaps she used some of her gnarly powers on us.

Should you wish to give it a read, try THIS site I found. Personally, I prefer the tactile feel of paper in my hands over the Internet any day... but if I can get at least one of you interested in trying out a comic book, I'm helping out my hobby.

Somewhere reading a comic book with my mind,
Andrew Joseph
PS: The scan above is one of the comic from my collection.
PPS: And, if you see Mai in the cover above... yes, that is what Japanese school girls (Junior & High School) wear. Sailor Moon (ugh!) wears a sailor suit, and so does Mai.

PPPS: Swamp Thing & Abby (DC Comics) drawn by John Tottleben when he visited Toronto back in the 1980s for the author, Andrew Joseph. It's too darn big for my scanner... but at least you can see a bit of where I put this blog together.

I Wear The Pants

Now... I've been involved in some neatadventures in Japan—and have even been involved with a few women that make anyguys head spin to check out.

Yet, through it all... I've never been asukebe (pervert). I may have been jokingly called one—and I didn't deny it, butin reality I'm not one. I've not been the initiator.

There's the idea that the Japanese arevery reserved and dignified... and I suppose they are... but then you see themat a party and everyone is hammered drunk hitting on anything in a skirt.

It was rumoured—and I can't prove it—thatwell over half of the married men in Japan were purported to have a mistress. Iwouldn't say that about some of the old guys I knew, but it is possible. I haveno proof of that.

However... there's a book on that topic -Go HERE to read an excerpt.

There was a club in my home town of Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken calledthe London Club... it was for perverts - or so my students and co-workers told me.

Despite it being about a four minutedrunken stagger away from my apartment, I never entertained thoughts of goinginto the place.

Okay... I did have thoughts... I wascurious... but to be honest, as a member of the JET (Japan Exchange &Teaching) Programme, I was a representative of my country. I represented Canadain Japan, and I was damned if I was going to jeopardize that -especially when I had no idea what actually went on in that club.

If that place still exists in Ohtawara,they haven't seen fit to have themselves included on the worldwide web.

Also... Japan—despite its need to blackout pubic hair in men's adult magazines and porno movies, it did allowpublication of a comic book serial called Rape Man.

How is that something normal for a dulland boringly polite society? It's because they are just as repressed as yoursociety.

However... along with bukkake—you and a few friends can get together and look that one up—Japan is also famous for havingoriginated 'sharking'.

What is sharking? Well... it's when a manin a public place sneaks up behind a woman wearing a short shirt and pulls downher panties for everyone to see. It's dreadfully embarrassing or evenem-bare-ass-ing. It's also illegal.

While similar to the old school yardprank - ie bullying—called pantsing, sharking is done for sexual stimulation bythe one pulling down the panties.

While this crime does have its originsin Japan, it has spread to Europe—and there's even a topsharking thing going onwhere a guy will pull the top of a woman down to expose her breasts. Pullingthe panties down in Europe is called bottom sharking.

Whatever it's called, it's stupid.

Somewhere we're going to need a biggerboat,

Andrew Joseph

Today's song is sung by Avril Lavigne: PANTS

PS: I used to own a Hyundai Tiberon...tiberon is Spanish for 'shark'. Other than that, there is no other connection to my life.

PPS: The 'Somewhere we're going to need abigger boat' is me paraphrasing a line from the movie Jaws. You can see thatscene: HERE

Another Brick In The Wall - Part 3

Would you like to see an example of unfortunate timing?

Take a look at the photograph to the left.

The minifigures (known as MiniFigs) are made by the Danish firm Lego. They are part of the Series 4 figures - 16 figures  - one each in a foil package - and you never know what you are going to get inside.

Do you think Lego expected an earthquake to spawn a tsunami which spawned a near-nuclear disaster in Fukushima-ken, Japan? Of course not. But take a closer look at the two figures presented here. They are part of Series 4 released about one month ago in mid-April of 2011.

The one in red is a beautiful Japanese Geisha with a fan, while the one in yellow is a man in a radiation suit with some sort of clean-up device! What are the odds?

These Lego mystery figures are not your run of the mill figures... they are special... for example, the other 14 figures in this set include: a gnome-ish fisherman; a musketeer; a punk rock guitarist; a female surfer; a viking; Frankenstein's monster; a hockey player; a bespectacled skateboarder; an American sailor (which is also funny considering there's a Japanese Geisha in the set!); a soccer player; a Wolfman; a painter with paintbrush and palette; a female figure skater and; an Evil Scientist complete with wild hair, goggles and a flask with green liquid - radioactive, perhaps.

Lego is something I enjoy, but the combined figures of radiation suit guy and the Japanese Geisha is... unfortunate.

Somewhere making a Japanese scene,
Andrew Joseph
Today's song title is by Pink Floyd. It's Part 3... I'm saving Parts 1 and 2 for other blogs I have in mind (something about schools and perhaps something about airplanes). Yes... I do think about what I'm going to post up here for your reading enjoyment: LEGO and enjoy the short song. 
PS: That choking hazard warning on the Lego package was apt as I nearly did choke when I found these two figures in the set!
PPS: It's been very frustrating. Of some 22 packages purchased, I have three Geisha, two Evil Scientists; four sailors; two vikings; two skateboarders;  two skaters; and three soccer players. I mean... I'd kill for three musketeers and five or six hockey players (I am from Canada, you know!). And since they make an equal number of each... anyone want to trade (I also need the painter and gnome fisherman)?    
PPPS: If anyone would like to purchase either the first and/or second issue of Evil Scientist Quarterly written by myself with art and graphic layouts by Steve Guzelis, it's $3 Cdn... and you can e-mail me at the address above the blog title! Obviously, it's all tongue-in-cheek funny (and clean - no swear words!)

Yakuza Moon: The Manga Edition

Youmight find this cool... but there's a manga (comic book) version of afirst-person book about a woman's life growing up in a Yakuza-dominated family.

CalledYakuza Moon, the true-life account describes Tendo Shoko (family name last)'searly life as a child of a wealthy Japanese crime boss. Though she lives a lifeof luxury, Tendo is bullied by other children and faces discrimination by herschool teachers - as well as from her father in his alcoholic rages.   

Asshe gets older, the family's debts begin to grow and her father begins to losehis influence within the Yakuza. To cope, she falls in with a group oftrouble-makers not quite related to the Yakuza.

She'sa gang member at 15. A drug addict at 18. Crappy, violent abusive relationshipsin her 20s. 

Theautobiography then looks at how Tendo over comes the death of her parents andher attempted suicide to take control of herself and her life.

Writtenby Tendo Shoko and adapted by Sean Michael Wilson with art by Morikawa Michiru(family name first), it's published by Kodansha Int’l with an ISBN13:978-4-7700-3146-4.

Whilenot available at Amazon, visit your local comic book shop and ask them to orderit for you. Check the price first! Try this website:http://comicshoplocator.com/ in North America orhttp://comicshoplocator.com/default.asp?LocType=g outside of that zone.

 By Andrew Joseph

Cartoon In Poor Taste Upsets Japan

Perhaps the headline is a bit misleading... a cartoon didn't upset Japan - it upset a lot of people who aren't Japanese, too.

On April 21, 2011, The International Herald Tribune published the cartoon (seen at the left or above depending on your web browser).

(Blog Note: It's wrong on so many levels. Not only is it offensive to Japan, but also to ugly little old apple vendors. I don't know if you noticed... but Snow White is asking the Evil Queen who is dressed up as an ugly old woman a question that implies that it's NOT the apple that has her worried, but that perhaps the ugliness of the woman was caused by nuclear radiation IF she was from Japan. If it was meant that Snow White was asking about the apple - then the cartoon was written wrong - and should have asked 'Is this apple from Japan?' It's still a poor social commentary, however.)

The New York Times, which owns the International Herald Tribune said on April 25 in it's Editor's Note section that the cartoon "was offensive to the Japanese and others" and that "its selection was a lapse in judgment, which we regret."

The Japanese Consulate General in New York lodged a protest Thursday with the New York Times for publishing the cartoon, saying it may stir up unfounded anxieties over the safety of food from Japan.

Bravo.

Somewhere on an soapbox,
Andrew Joseph
PS: You realize that the Japanese Consulate General missed the poor joke... it really isn't about the apple - it's about radiation disfiguring a person! That's the way it was written!

Keep 'Em Separated

It's Thursday, June 20, 1991.
I'm up at 6AM.
My girlfriend of the week, Junko the 21-year-old university student, leaves my place at 7:30AM after a few stops and starts back in my bedroom.
Have I finally met a woman who enjoys sex as much as me? Not quite (I hope)... but I do need some chaffing cream.
It's a pity Junko is only here in Ohtawara-shi (City of Ohtawara) forthe week, learning how to be a teacher on an internship at Ohtawara ChuGakko (Ohtawara Junior High School also known as Dai Chu) - one of theseven junior high schools I teach at on the Japan Exchange & Teaching Programme (JET).
I'm a gaijin. That means foreigner. It's what the Japanese often callus - sometimes behind our back - sometimes to our face. Is it meant tobe offensive? No, not really - but it depends on what context it hasbeen said, doesn't it?
I've only been here since essentially August of 1990. I've not been called a gaijin in a derogatory manner - that I know of.
I can tell you that if Junko is concerned about sleeping with a gaijin,she doesn't show it, as I have had to temper her enthusiasm a bit atschool, as I think she wants to shout from the rooftops that she and Iare boinking several times a night.
At Dai Chu... I was supposed to have three classes to team teach with aJapanese Teacher of English... but the first two classes in periods oneand two are canceled - and I only have one in period five - the last ofthe day.
A young-looking third-year (Grade 9) boy Katsuhisa-san (he never toldme his given name) enters the teacher's office after lunch to chat. HisEnglish is pretty good - but it does afford the lovely Junko a chanceto come over and sit beside me to team-chat the kid.
Junko, knowing that no one else nearby can understand English says a few dirty things to me and then leaves.
Kasuhisa, the student, who knows a lot of English apparently, looks at me and asks if Junko is my girlfriend.
Everybody seems to know about us.
I tell him that she is - this week, which gets me a smile... however,he adds that she is very pretty and nice but thinks she likes me toomuch too soon.
Great. I'm getting dating advice from a 14-year-old nerdy Japanese kid.
After school, I test a third-year boy - Ishiguru Atsushi (surnamefirst) with world flags... he knows flags for countries I've neverheard of!
When my day is over, I track Junko down and hold her hand and thank her for the wonderful time I've had this week.
She knows I have an office day tomorrow, and that I'll be heading downto Tochigi-ken's capital city of Utsunomiya with my ex-girlfriendAshley to stay at a friend's place - before heading down to TokyoDisneyland on Saturday. I won't be back until late Saturday night, andI expect Junko will be heading back to university on Sunday to startregular classes again the following day.
Junko had asked if she could come with me to Disneyland... and eventhough she knew who Ashley was - despite never having met her before -she knew Ashley and I were no longer a couple. So... what would be thebig deal in Andrew showing off the very sexy Junko to Ashley?
While I'm sure I could have convinced Junko quite easily about themerits of a three-way, there was no way in Hell Ashley was going tofall for that - and certainly not with me, the ex-boyfriend who happensto fall into relationships with the greatest of sleaze... I mean ease.
No... better to keep them separated. Junko was going away - probablynever to be seen again. Ashely and I were broken up, but I had hopes ofstill getting sex without the hang-up of being in a committedrelationship.
Anyhow... I tell Junko to call me should she ever be in Ohtawara again and we'll hook up.
She cries a little, puts an arm around me and then suddenly snaps herhead upright. Looks me right in the eyes and says in her perfectEnglish: "Good-bye, my love. May we meet again soon."
Oblivious to the students and teachers around me, she then gave me a very, very, very long kiss - complete with probing tongue.
If it was up to me, it wouldn't be a problem, but I think Junko is going to get a lousy grade from this internship.
I go home and do some ironing until 7:10PM when Takako (my buddyMatthew's girlfriend) comes over... at least I think she's hisgirlfriend. I can never tell with Takako, as she is both cheerful andsarcastic to me at the same time. I love that she doesn't take my b.s.
Takako looks really good as usual - there... I got that out of the way.
I'm unsure where we are going, but I trust Takako. We arrive at someplace. There's  a really cute girl there with her mom the battleaxe.Men... and women... always pay attention to the in-laws... as that'swhat your significant other can look like in a few years.
I choose not to pay attention to that advice and smile my smile at the beautiful young woman and think to myself: Soon.
There are four gaijin (of Indian descent) there from the Asian FarmInstitute located in northern Ohtawara, who have come to Japan to learnfarming techniques from the Nihon-jin (Japanese). Only one of us fiveIndian-looking guys is smarmy.
Me.
Also there is Brian - a slightly heavy and mustached American workingfor a local Japanese firm (on exchange), Mrs. Narita and one otherJapanese lady. We sit around and talk for awhile while I correct theirEnglish... including Brian's.
It seems to be a meeting group - to make friends and converse withforeigners. I know who I want as a new friend - but only if she doesn'tbring her mom. And how old is babe, anyway?
Takako drives me home, comes up to my apartment and listens to somemusic and reads some of my comic books that were given to me by thegirl I wish was my girlfriend, Kristine.
After lending her my Archie comics, Takako goes home at 10:45PM.
One minute later, there's a knock at my door. Expecting Takako to haveforgotten something, I'm surprised to see Junko at my door, alreadyunbuttoning her shirt as she walks in.
Oh well... I can always do my ironing some other day. There's always something better to press upon.
We're in bed by 10:47PM.

Somewhere wondering if Takako will ever return my comic books,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Offspring - which is what I'm going to have if I don't get more condoms! NOODLES.
PS: By the way... if all of these blog stories involving Junko soundlike a bunch of ego-boosting blogs - well it is called It's AWonderful Rife... not life... for a reason.   You know something isgoing to happen to screw up the good times. Will it be me? Ashley?Kristine? Junko? Matthew? Even I don't know and it happened to me... Sokeep tuning in to see the rise and fall of the currently over-sexedgaijin.
PPS: Noodles is The Offspring's guitarist.
PPPS: Where the heck was Matthew at this 'meet the foreigner' gab fest?I hate that he trusts me with Takako. He was right to, of course. Heknew I always liked Takako's little sister... if only she was older.
PPPPS: Junko's timing is perfect. She always seems to know when it is Iget home. Hmm. You don't think Junko is stalking me, do you?
PPPPPS: A more serious story to appear eight (8) hours from the publication of this one. Be warned. It's sad and made me cry.

Rubber Ball

When it rains, it pours. And it does in Japan.

And despite Japan's insistence on being known as a decent society (which it is), there is also a hidden underground of sex - everybody does it, but no one talks about it. From prostitution, Love Hotels, trying to hook up with rhyming gaijins (foreigners), sex in anime (cartoons) and manga (comic books) sex is part of the way of life in Japan. Hell, they even have phallic symbols all over the place that they like to sight see or parade around in. Hmm... that will be a blog topic very soon.

In this case, our topic is about condoms - the recent theft of some 700,000 condoms (aka rubbers or add your own favourite term here). And I am here to add to my condom-nation of this event.

The condoms were stolen en route between Malaysia and Japan. The ship, while loaded with preventative measures (the condoms) failed to adequately protect itself even though the cargo was placed into a shipping container and locked while in northern Malaysia. Forced entry is suspected, as the container was empty when it arrived in Tokyo, though the locks had all been replaced by the cunning ballsy thieves.

The police are baffled as to why the locks were replaced, though your humble author suspects it was to prevent the customer from knowing it had been violated and thus provide a longer amount of time to pass for the crime of raping the ship of its precious cargo to be discovered. If one doesn't suspect there is anything wrong, then there is nothing wrong.

“We are unhappy over the incident. This is the first time such a thing has happened since our Malaysian production started in 1997,” said Sato Koji, manager of the Sagami Rubber Factory.

Sagami officials claim that the condoms are unlike others of their ilk as they are 14 per cent thinner than conventional ones (not necessarily larger, however), and on the Japanese market retail for $1.5 million or about $2.25 a toss. As I've always suspected, sex sells.

“There are locks, seals and checklists provided by freight forwarders and shipping lines for every part of the journey from factory to destination, so it is very easy to find out where and when they were tampered with or changed,” said Walter Cullas, president of the Air Freight Forwarders Association of Malaysia.

The Malaysian police are doing their best to uncover the condom culprits and are quite aware that goods shipped out of Malaysia often go missing. It is suspected, however that if they do find the culprits, rubber bullets will be used in the apprehension of the criminals.

Unfortunately, the police don't really have any suspects, but your It's A Wonderful Rife correspondent suggests they search Malaysian teenagers with extra wide grins on their faces. No gaijin are considered suspects - even to purchase in the underground market - as, in this case, one size will not indeed fit all.

There is no word yet as to how Japan will react to the condom shortage.

Somewhere, glad I don't fit the profile,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Bobby Vee - I used to like this one when I was a kid, and played my K-Tel record over and over again: BOUNCYBOUNCY.
PS: Click HERE to try the condom selector tool. Those are their words, not mine.

Hot Blooded

Hi there (Konichiwa!). I'd like to share with you part of a letter I wrote to my friend Rob in Toronto back on June 28, 1993. In it, I describe the hottest dance club going on in Japan at that time - Juliana's Disco.

I know, I know... I wrote the word disco (twice now!) which is sacrelige for a for a guy who loves his rock and roll. Still, one must evolve or get wiped out in the next mass extinction.

At this point in time I was going out with my Japanese hottie, Nobuko. In my letter to Rob I noted that Nobuko was studying for some civil service exams and was unable to see me that weekend, but for some reason, I was asked and accepted a dance date by some woman named Mika.

Who is Mika? What does she look like? Why was I out with her? I have no freaking idea. And, though I am loathe to admit it, she's not really pertinent to the blog entry.

Here goes:

(re: Nobuko) All of our difficulties and my 'fright' have been put aside. I'm comfortable. We seem to be a good match for each other. I just wish this language-thing wasn't such a drag. It will be difficult for her to find a job. Hell, me too. But, I'm afraid it will quickly demoralize her. Yes... she's coming to Canada. Perhaps even to stay. The wedding is next week. Can you come? Ha. It just seems that fast. And, in truth, I suppose it is.

I mentioned in my last missive that I was going to go down to the trendiest dance club in Japan with a girl named Mika. After I got back to my hotel room (separate), I called Nobuko. Guilt? Oh yeah. Even though nothing happened - just that I was out with another woman. I don't ever want to do that again - because, quite frankly, the guilt is killing me.

Juliana's Disco is a bizarre place. Located in Tokyo's Ariake district, once you forget that it costs you Y7500 ($75) to get in--women are charged Y5000 ($50), they give you a bunch of food and drink coupons to help you get over the sticker shock - and then you can begin to have a good time.

Well, let's see... all of the women are dressed in outfits that look like underwear. The good kind.

The dance floor is huge. In the back there's a DJ booth where the lone black man sits (except for the other one guarding the door). There two white guys, also... they open the door for you to enter the place. There are also some Japanese guys to park your car and some Japanese chicks standing around outside to catch your eye so you'll want to come in.

Back to the inside. There, opposite the DJ booth is a wall of televisions that are joined up to make one single image. There are 60 televisions - 10 across, by 6 high, and dammit it's like maybe 20 feet tall.

Ahhh, screw it.. take a look at my drawing (photo above). I don't feel like writing a description for everything. This is the first floor.

Beside the DJ booth are stairs leading up to the next level. It's really a catwalk so you can check out the action below.

See those rectangular boxes (tachida) near the dance floor. That's for the fan dancers. That's what I call them. These air-head Japanese girls get up on the risers holding a feathered fan in their hand wearing a very tight dress that is never more than four inches (10 cm) below the waist. They dance by never lifting their feet off the ground. Swaying their hips hypnotically from side to side (getting sleepy... sleepy).  In their right hand they hold the fan high above their head and wave it in the opposite direction for their butt swinging. By lifting their hand above their head, their already short dresses rise up a little more. It's inspiring, actually. Perspiring, too.

The single guys stand below them and stare up at the women, trying to see if they are wearing panties. They are. Hey! I had to look. I'm sure it was expected of me. Besides, I'm a curious journalist.

The single women at the club stare at the fan dancers and wish they could be up there, but they can't because they don't have the guts - or perhaps they lack a nice dress (looking around, that's not true). Whatever it is... they aren't being paid to dance - and the fan dancers are.

On the dance floor by 9PM, there is no more room to move - even with a big gaijin (foreigner) like me around, people are actually beginning to crowd me. I suggest to Mika that we leave. I mean, I'm tall enough to be able to get the air above the shorter crowd, but Mika - she's not. Uh-oh... here's comes the dry ice from a fog machine... now no one can breath.

It's okay... it was bloody hot in there. I had slugged back three beers and didn't get a buzz because I was too dehydrated for it to affect me.

Mika and I walked around, played a few coin-operated video games, ate some McDonald's and went back to our hotel rooms. I opened up a box of 30(?) baseball card packages I bought and read a comic book that had previously won a Pulitzer Prize - Maus. It's about the Holocaust. And then I phoned Nobuko.

We chatted for about 10 minutes. I got off the phone because she was studying for an exam the next day.

Early the next morning, I got up and went with Mika to a CD shop - buying the Best of Jethro Tull, one by Ministry, and a Romantics CD for my pal Colin. Later near the Electricland district, I bought a CD of classical Japanese music - no singing, thank kami (god)!) and one CD of music to do sumo wrestling by. There was also one for Yakuza (gangsters), but I was on a budget. Not.

We went to a foreign buyers supermarket where I picked up a couple of PEZ, a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and four bottles of world-wide beer.

Oh yeah... it was 30C and humid, unlike Saturday when it was 30C and humid and raining. Of course, I was carrying around a lot of unnecessary stuff like a raincoat and a Stetson hat. Okay... it's actually a Biltmore - and I looked good in it, but I chose not to wear it at the club last night.

I arrived back home in Ohtawara-shi totally exhausted. Nobuko came over about 30 minutes later. We tried to watch the Temple of Doom (Indian Jones 2), but our hormones were running amok.

Somewhere sweaty,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is sung by Foreigner: HOT BLOODED and was recorded in Japan (!) back in 1985.

Somebody To Love

Because my ego pre-supposes you liked that comic story I wrote while in Japan back in 1992 (you can read it here: The Irrationality Of My Goldfish), here's the other fish tale that appeared in the same comic book: Strange Fun Comics #2, published by Strange Fun Comics. It's called: A Different Scale Of Thought. Art is by the awesome Pa5cal St. Clair, Edited by Steve Guzelis, and written by your old pal Andrew Joseph. Hey! That's me. It's also a much better looking representation of me, as I enjoy writing in the first-person to make people who know me a bit edgy. Let's just say that when I first published the story in an issue of the Tatami Times newsletter for Tochigi-ken JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme people, some people were very concerned for my mental well-being... fearing I was doing drugs. I wasn't and don't. My reality is way more weird than your fantasy.

Somewhere trippy,
Andrew Joseph   
Today's title is by The Jefferson Airplane, with their classic song available for your listening pleasure HERE.

Fishin' Blues

The following comic book story is about me and my goldfish entitled: The Irrationality Of My Goldfish. I previously presented that tale to you HERE, as I wrote it back in March of 1992. However, in the summer of 2001, it was published as a comic book story in Strange Fun Comics #2 - published by Strange Fun Comics. Art is by fellow Torontonian Kyu Shim, Edited by pal Steve Guzelis of Illinois, and written of course by yours truly. I know it's just me, but it's awesome! As an aside, there was another goldfish story in that same issue written by me... and I'll present that to you very soon. It, too was written that month and year while I lived in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. The guy in the story is me - when I had a ponytail.

Somewhere reading a comic book,

Andrew Joseph

Today's title is by Taj Mahal and can be heard by clicking on THEHOOK.

Hungry Like The Wolf

The Japanese can be weird and interesting people. I've found them to be smart, intelligent people who work hard, have families, struggle to survive, own a great sense of humour--hey! They sound a lot like me! And like me, they also love comic books!

I knew I loved Japan.
Even before I ever had an inkling that I would ever end up in Japan, I had read a few Japanese comic books--and unlike Japanese animated cartoons (anime)--I loved them.
More on anime soon--I didn't hate all anime, just most of it...
Anyhow, starting in 1987, I read: Mai, the Psychic Girl; Area 88; The Legend of Kamui; and Lone Wolf and Cub. These were all Japanese comic books (called manga) that had been translated into English for the first time ever. While Lone Wolf & Cub were published in English by First Comics, the others were published first by Eclipse Comics and later Viz Comics.
For three years, I never missed an issue--until I, myself, left Canada to journey to Japan.
Almost immediately upon landing at Narita Airport in/or near Tokyo, I noticed a lot of Japanese men (and a couple of women) reading large telephone book-sized comic books (Check THIS site out for an example). Colour covers with black and white art.
Was Japan a haven for fellow nerds? Oh gawds, I hoped so. 
You know... one of my favourite lines I still quote--that no one knows where the heck I got it from, is from Area 88: "We have abandoned God and shaken hands with the devil." That's so deep... even though it means they are doing bad things...
Japanese comics, as mentioned, are black and white collections... they usually have maybe 4 or 5 different monthly comics contained within the weekly and/or monthly collection that are all being published for the first time.  
While I may applaud the Japanese for their love of comic books, sometimes one just has to shake their head at some of the crap produced. By that, I mean a character called Rapeman. Yup. It is what is - nothing is lost in translation... I believe the motto is: "Righting wrongs through penetration." Satire or not, you don't trivialize rape.
On the complete opposite spectrum... there's a great comic book called Lone Wolf and Cub (子連れ狼, Kozure Ōkami).
Created by writer Kazuo Koike and artist Goseki Kojima, this manga was first published in 1970... it was such a hit, that it spawned six films, four plays and a popular television series. Basically, it's a samurai comic, or what I call a Japanese western... and man, do the Japanese love their samurai stories. 
This particular series is huge. How huge? Well, in 1990, I was asked if I knew anything about Japanese comic books, and I mentioned this--every one of the 30 kids in my class, and the Japanese teacher of English, all sucked air in through their teeth, smiled and nodded their head in collective appreciation.
The Lone Wolf and Cub manga is set in the Tokugawa era (which admittedly spans 250 years from 1603-1868) and revolves around Ogami Ittō, the Shogun's executioner. After becoming a masterless samurai after false accusations from another clan, he becomes a hired assassin. Along with his motherless three-year-old son, Daigorō, they seek revenge on the Yagyū clan and are known as the push-cart assassin.
The comic book is renowned for its fantastic writing and absolutely stunning artwork--and I completely  agree. 
People who say comic books are stupid and will rot your mind should try reading a comic book like this--or even one put out today--like Evil Scientist Quarterly, written by myself and put together by artist Steve Guzelis... copies are $3 apiece. Even for family. Published by Strange Fun Comics (see below).
So... what's the point of this blog? Good question.
Japan loves its manga. It's a part of its culture. The rest of the world could learn a thing or two from Japan--and should support its local comic book industry.

Somewhere reading a comic book,
Andrew Joseph
Today's title is by Duran Duran... and while not strictly rock and or roll, it's a good song. You can see the video HERE.
PS: The photo above shows off 12 collected editions of Lone Wolf and Cub - non-translated, it's all Japanese! I purchased them all one day in Tokyo back in 1991, with each 284 page collection costing me 680 Yen ($6.80 US). At the time of purchase, only 12 editions had been released, though there are 28 editions for the entire series run . That's how popular the series was.
PPS: To order a copy of any of the comics published by Strange Fun Comics, visit the website: STRANGEFUNCOMICS and then go to the 'contact us' section and click on either my e-mail or Steve's. You'll be glad you did. Oh, and be sure to mention where you heard about it.